Mrswondering,

Thanks for the heads up. I am fair to middling in computer spying - have had a year and a half to study up on it. From looking at the keylogger (how I found out he started looking at porn in mid-Oct) and the computer history (I was in the computer history when the song started playing, but there were no music sites), I am fairly certain that H was not listening to the song and that it was not a file anywhere on the computer. In any case, I still have not figured out what it means.

I was not asking WH to select an IM. I gave him two names to choose from, either one would be all right with me.

AM

Thanks Mulan,

The topic of your post and boundries is exactly the realization that I had last week. Even though I knew it in my head, I was still trying to get H to stop lying, to be fully commited to the M, etc. I finally felt as though I was not afraid anymore. If H continues to lie, attempt contact with OW (she does not want contact from H - at least not this week), does not want to commit to the M, I can remove myself and be just fine - maybe even fabulous.

AM

You already are fabulous.

An update. This morning when getting blood drawn, I saw H's PTSD group counselor in the clinic. We chatted a little and I filled him in on things from my perspective. He asked how I was and I said I was fine because no matter what happens with H and me, I am blessed. I told him about all the conditions I sent to H last week and C nodded pretty emphatically, especially to the requirement that H have individual counseling and talk to his primary care doc (someone asked about this earlier - H's primary care doc is at a VA clinic and is more versed in PTSD than the average doc) about anti-depressants.

This afternoon, I did things that I needed to do to get ready for winter; getting the lawn mower away, the snow blower out and ready to go, etc. These are all things I used to rely on H to do. I can do all these things - no problem. Whatever happens, I can take care of all of it and will be ok.

AM

ABSOLUTELY!!!!!!!!!........of this, I have no doubts......


Not2fun

Hey AM, just checking in on you. You sound stronger. you are on fabulous lady. We forget that and it gets buried in all of this.

Keep turning this over to God, he has a plan for us. We just need to be patient. hugs.

You are doing amazingly well AM.

Wow, there are some very strong and resilient women on these MB forums.

I just know you're going to be better than "just fine". You will be fabulous, and you know what, this inner strength you have found will also be noticed by your WH and will make you very attractive to him. (Just a little bonus for you).

He really does need to sort his head out first because it seems obvious that he is a little messed up at the moment. I hope he can see that thse issues need to be addressed and then can want to address them.

You have much more strength and power in this relationship now and I believe that whatever happens you'll have a fantastic future ahead of you.

Good for you! You are the strong woman I knew you were!

Update: H says he made a decision. He said if he did not get to back on active duty that would be a disappointment, but if he lost me it would break his heart. So, right now his plan is to return on Sat as originally planned. He withdrew his name from the nomination to return on active duty to work for one of the generals. He has agreed to do everything on my list. I canceled my appt with the attorney for today. So I guess we will go from here.

I am feeling ok, but I am still not sure I want him back. We have been hacking away at this time since April 2008 and I sort of like the peace this week of him being away. I have not really had any triggers. Even that thread about the email exchange at the university does not upset me, I just view it as the kinds of things waywards do to get the next high, oblivious to the destructiono around them.

Still waiting to know the significance of Sunday's song. New Year's 2000, I prayed for patience. What a mistake that was. I hope I get an answer soon.

AM

am ~ I have not read this whole thread but skimmed through...I went through a gnarly false recovery, and I am terribly sorry you are going through one as well.

A few things from someone who has BTDT:

~BOUNDARIES are your best friend right now. It helps tremendously to tell a WS who wants to recover, not: "You better do this", but rather: "If (fill in the blank) does (or does not) happen, I will (fill in the blank with a consequence)." Remember this and it will save you a lot of turmoil and questioning of yourself.

~As part of your Boundaries, use Steve Harley as your counselor. We wasted money on a "really good" MC and now we are back to doing the MB program. We also used him as an IC and while the EMDR did help with my PTSD, I don't think it helped H with anything.

~Remember that everytime YOU back down on any of your boundaries or allow things that you aren't comfortable with and/or cause resentment, you will lose some of your love for your H. Protect yourself from this.

~Continue to be that lighthouse...because the fog will come and go. Be steadfast in the kind of M you want and the type of W you want to be, and command nothing less.

Good luck to you...this is hard stuff. I wish you the best.

<P.S. I HIGHLY, HIGHLY, HIGHLY recommend both "Love Must Be Tough" by Dobson and "Boundaries in Marriage" by Cloud and Townsend, especially for someone who has been through a FR. Go get them today.>

((((((((Armymama)))))))))

>New Year's 2000, I prayed for patience. What a mistake that was.

I totally understand this. Sending you love.

Wow!

Nice post MF.

Thanks. I figure if I have gone through all of this, it better not be in vain. I've learned so much and through my experience, hope that I can help others. This stuff is so incredibly HARD.

Quote

I am feeling ok, but I am still not sure I want him back. We have been hacking away at this time since April 2008 and I sort of like the peace this week of him being away.

I can understand your hesitation after all this time of trying to recover. The ball is now in his court. Let's see if he becomes the protector in this recovery. You deserve the very best.

Quote

He said if he did not get to back on active duty that would be a disappointment, but if he lost me it would break his heart.

This is a good beginning in my humble estimation.

I think that this:



... is such an important concept and where so many BSs go wrong.

This "backing down" is usually an emotional-fear-insecurity-based reaction, devoid of "The Big Picture".

I understand the comments about boundries. H has my list of requirements for his return and has agreed to them. I guess I am not certain if he will talk the talk long enough to get home and then refuse to walk the walk. He has had a habit of saying he would do something and then not do it. I don't feel as though I am in a place of fear any more. Reference the big picture, I know my life can be wonderful without H; at this point I don't know if it can be wonderful with H.

Very confusing right now.

AM

Today, I told DS15 that H wants to return home Sat, as originally planned. I explained that I have given H a list of things that he needs to do if he is to return home and that H has agreed to do all of them. DS's only comment was that he looks at his dad a different way now. All I oculd do is agree. H has a HUGE amount of work ahead of him. We will see if he is up to it. After all, it is actions not words. So far, H's actions have been hurtful to all.

AM

Good luck on Saturday. I know how anxious you must be about H's return. I just hope he has the slightest inkling how lucky he is that you're allowing him this repeated chance at making this M work. From now on, your H should spend every minute of the day being a major "suck up" (as I used to hate hearing my students say!!!). The problem with that is that you never know what his depression will do to his good intentions.

Bless you, my dear friend.

GY

GY,

Thanks for the positive thoughts. Right now, I don't see H being a major "suck up" as you say. He has agreed to do everything on the list - the first one was commit to the M 100%, so maybe that covers it.

I am feeling very cautious. He said that was understandable. But he wants me as well as him to commit 100% to the M. That is a little hard to do right now. I keep coming back to the thought that if OW had responded to H's email differently, we would not even be having a conversation. And I can't be the "backup plan" or "second best" (during the A, he told OW several times that being married to me was second best - yeah, I know they ALL say this kind of thing).

Everyone around me was of the opinion that I should just divorce him. My brother's big comment was "fool me one, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me". But brother did understand when I said that I was not ready to D.

My prayer for today is to get in the right frame of mind to pick up H at the airport this evening. I am not even really sure what the right frame of mind is.

AM

He's in no place to ask you to commit to anything.

And you're right about you being his back-up plan - and now he wants to demand you commit 100% too - before you've been able to see actions long enough to know he's committed 100%.

Sorry buster. He had your 100% through this last false recovery; now he's shown his true nature, he's going to have to demonstrate 100% commitment without assurance that you'll take him back. That's the only way you'll know you're never going to go through a false recovery again.