HI all! I figured I needed to give a little update!

The state brought XWH to court for non payment of CS on Nov 5th, it was his first Contempt of court. I heard more lies about working, he said he was employed by two different companies but they had no called him due to lack of work. The judge asked him about collecting unemployment and he said that he couldn't becasue he was not actually unemployed. The judge gave him 30 days jail time and payment of arrears to be made;however, the sentence was suspensed and we appear back in court May 4th. He has until then to catch up on his arrears, over 5K closer to 6. In the past eight months, I have got $240.

I knew that he would get off that day but it still drained me, I ahd to be there at 9am and we didn't get out until about @ 3:30 that afternoon. Then he must have been pissed off at me, becasue he txtd me about 4 saying that it was not his weekend in fact it was my weekend. I get the kids the 2nd weekend of the month and he was swearing it was my weekend and not his. He was not being nice and making little comments. Basically, he had something that he wanted to do. I offered to get the kids back from him early so he could go to his Bike meeting but he was having not of it. I even offered to take the kids the whole weekend but I made sure to let him know that I would have them my weekend also.

Well, he txted me the next morning after speaking with his mom to apologize saying that if I still wanted him to take the kids he would. I said no, that the previous night I called my parents and we would be going to visit them. So, I got the kids this pass weekend and I will have them this weekend too. Which is perfectly fine with me becasue he has been aloowing them to run the streets unsupervised and the less time that they have there makes me happy.

The boys and I did have a blast visiting my parents this weekend. We played in the woods, went arrowhead hunting, sat by the fire. The kids climbed the rope swing and hung on it all weekend. We found some clams and experiemented with them. It was really great!

"J' had to work, so we went alone. J and I are doing well, I have some concerns about some areas of our life, which I would love to talk to some one about. Well, off to work again.

How do you know what you can live with and what you can't? What's not important today may be important tomorrow! And what's important today may not be tomorrow!

Just wanted to say hi and that I'm still around lurking! Nothing new on the home front...ran into a snag between J and I but we're working it out, nothing major...still a keeper...and still hard to keep moving forward with the stresses of everyday life...

remembering to keep my mouth open and not hold anything in...or push back the desire to push him away...

Oh I forgot to mention that I have my second speaking engagement this coming May for Our school district's Indian Education Ceremony. Basically it's all of the Indians graduating in the parish. ME, RIN, was asked to speak...I was so floored! How cool is that and of course, I will be bring the boys to listen to their mom!

Hey Rin, congrats on the speaking engagement! What, if you don't mind me asking, is the issue between you and J? Are you both on board with MB?

Well hello! When we first got together I introduced him to MB and he read some stuff here as far as the articles and a little bit of my thread that I had directed him to. I said that I wouldn't mind if he nosed around but said that he wouldn't feel comfortable being here because it was "my place" and if I thought that he was reading my stuff then I would perhaps hold back on writing possibility creating a resentment in the long run. He would prefer not to "invade" my special place and asks me from time to time if I am continuing to write. So he supports me being here.

The issue is I have a few things that bother me about him. One of which is SF, I have a very high drive and his is really low which frustrates me sometimes, not all the time and sometimes there's a problem with "it" working. Well, I was frustrated the other day and there was some things I wanted to address, so I was going to do a list of sorts...both good and annoying...I think there 3 things that bother me...SF, my need for him to dress a little nicer instead of tshirts and jeans all the time, and occasionally some things that he says...

We are both all about O&H. Well, he made a statement that was supposed to be a joke but I couldn't tell, sometimes that happens...well, it shocked me! I had told him that I would like to do make the list and share with him, if he wanted to do the same that would be nice, but there was nothing about me that bothered him. Anyway, he said something like: Aren't you suppose to be making a list of things that you don't like about me? I don't remember what else he said after that...but I just looked at him and was shocked because I told him that this was hard for me to talk about in the first place. It was like him reading my journal or something.

So, I told him that I was going to have to let that process and climbed off his lap and was just kinda of numb...so I gathered my things and bought them in the bedroom to read, well, I was tired and ended up going to sleep...HE thought I was mad...

This was our first major miscommunication...and it didn't get any better in the morning...I asked him to not assumptions that I was not mad but in fact numb...it was just a big mess...of course that made me think that I was just being a complainer and I should be more accepting of him like he is me...which of course I didn't/don't want to share the few things that I would like to...

And I said that to him, which I guess hurt his feeling cause he asked me "so now you're going to lie to me?" I said it was not lying and he left. When I got to thinking about it it would be lying by omission, so I txtd him and said I was sorry and he was right...

He asked me if I was just saying that and I said no, I wouldn't apologize in general, it would be meaningless and a waste of time, and said that it would be lying by omission. He agreed and that made it better, I even asked if there was a way to make it up to him but he said it wasn't needed. So that told me that all he needs is an apology and he doesn't need actions to follow it.

I just don't want to make this mistake again, this hit me pretty hard and I know him because he said he was distraught and that he would watch what he said from now on...but I still haven't address the issue, I mean he knows that SF is not the best for me...and he said that he would try to make himself more available...

Thing is I don't want to hurt his feelings...of course that's assuming I would...I just figured since it's about SF...and TODAY I'm willing to "deal" with it for all of the other great things about him...

My M had great SF but the M itself sucked pretty bad...here I have a partner willing to put in the work and try to make things better...it just gets me down sometimes...

I don't know, I don't have all of the answers and I have been reviews the ENs and Harley's articles this week...it's time to reconnect and we are using the weekend to do that...

Morning! I hope that everyone is well! I was struggling this weekend being around J. My focus was really on him and what he was doing and not doing, telling myself that this was not going to work, I didn't know if I could do this.

So, yesterday morning, I decided to shift the focus back to myself and just wrote a list of things that I liked, in general...I had to write it on an envelope becasue I couldn't find any paper at J's...then last night I transfered it to a notebook I bought to keep at his place. He saw me writing, so he asked if I wanted to talk about it and I said sure! I explained that I had been struggling and was being very negative about him and needed to put myself in place.

After the boys were down for the night and company left, J turned the TV off and we talked about my list. It was just on things I loved/liked to do, etc. Then, after we talked about how we could do some of those things together, he began his own list, which was pretty interesting, because we both learned some things about each other. The issues are still not resolved and at this point I think I have identified what our main issues are going to be. I don't think that will change, but I do question myself on whether I can live with these things are not.

My major thing is he is willing to do the work, take the time, and put in the work. I really enjoyed talking to him last night. We joked a little about the things on our lists. He knows that there are things on that list that he can't do or doesn't like to do. I'm not saying that any issues are resolved, but it reminded me what I did like about him instead of focusing on the negative things about him/us...

Wow, this is awesome stuff. It is very enlightening what happens when we take the focus off the other person and put it wehre it belongs. OURSELF...

Step One: We are powerless over people, places and things, and when we do try, our lives become unmanageble.

Most of all, look at the growth in what you did. You recognized what you were doing, lived the serenity prayer, you acted on what you could after recognizing what was your piece and resolved it to the best you can for today.

How proud of yourself I hope you are...

That's great to hear, S4B. Honesty is always the way to go.

How about you arrange a 30-minute 'session' for you two to sit down once a week, like on Friday night, where you talk about relationship, fix anything, and the rest of the week, you just enjoy yourselves?

Proud? hmmm...not really...I feel better and it did work out for the best, so I guess there is something to say for that...

I'm still struggling some with a few things:

One of which is how much I miss the things that the XWH and I did together...J is not one for the outdoors and I am huge on being outdoors...Recreational time with XWH was always cool...but I find myself missing that and wanted to do that with J...

Now, there was a few things one the list about being outside...I wrote that I like walks, going to the park, picnics...to which he said that if I were to pack lunch, he would be more than happy to do that with me...but the hunting, playing in the woods, four wheeler riding is not him...

Heck, when we first got together, he decided a few months after since I loved being outdoors and he didn't really care for it to take a motorcycle riding course, and purchased a bike so that we could have something to do outdoors together...HOW COOL IS THAT?

I know that living in the past is not healthy and will eat me up...I question where it's mourning of what I use to have...wonder how I can bring that into my present life...

It just seems like the things that were good with XWH and I are NOT SO good with J and I...I don't think that I'm comparing the two of them but rather the relationships...I did not have a willing partner in my "old life", and today, I have a willing partner...don't want to give that up or trade that in for what I did have...

It's almost like in the movie "message in a bottle"...the dad tells his son, "whether it's the past or the present, pick one and stick with it!" I want the present, but I fear that I will screw things up...

I wanted to go to a meeting Thursday night so badly but my Aunt ended up calling me and inviting us to dinner...so we went since we rarely visit them and my cousin and his family showed up...which was really nice...but I haven't been to a meeting in forever...and I seem to be losing center...last week I picked up "one Day at a time" and was reading it in...

I'm really dogging myself of late...wondering it this is the kind of thing that I "use to do" in my "past life"...it would seem to me that I need to work on acceptance...what was, WAS, and what is, IS...

not easy...

Thanks Queen!

HI CAT!!! Good to see you!

I am trying hard to stick to the 15 hours a week, undivided attention and that was actually on my list...

I wrote down MB and that I liked working on my "R"...I also say when I'm feeling disconnected from him and he asks "okay, what do you need? or How can I help?"

I noticed that it's harder for me to talk to him when I am focusing on his and not myself because then I am concerned with how he will take things...that was a major issue for me last week and I feared speaking up...

I do like the one time a week...

Yes, Proud...

See images of proud

�adjective 1. feeling pleasure or satisfaction over something regarded as highly honorable or creditable to oneself (often fol. by of, an infinitive, or a clause).

2. having, proceeding from, or showing a high opinion of one's own dignity, importance, or superiority.
3. having or showing self-respect or self-esteem.
4. highly gratifying to the feelings or self-esteem: It was a proud day for him when his son entered college.
5. highly honorable or creditable: a proud achievement.
6. stately, majestic, or magnificent: proud cities.
7. of lofty dignity or distinction: a proud name; proud nobles.
8. Chiefly South Midland and Southern U.S. pleased; happy: I'm proud to meet you.
9. full of vigor and spirit: a proud young stallion.
10. Obsolete. brave.

I would be proud of ME, if I did what you did.

Now... as to what YOU are feeling, which are neither right nor wrong, they are jsut feeling that come and go. You owned them, you took action and looked for solutions, instead of wallowing in the problem.

And you continue to do so. You are constantly looking at your motives, what's driving your behavior because you intuitively know that ultimately you are the only one you can change.

I would offer one more suggestion. Talk to G-d and ask him what he knows for you, what are the answers that he wants you to learn and what road does he want you to take. You are so smart and know how to be patient and wait on him to answer you.

G-d divulges things to us in HIS time...

How can you clone this man?!

Seriously, the one time a week is recommended because it 'frees' you to NOT dwell on the bad stuff, because you know you'll have time and focus to get it fixed at that one time a week. The rest of the week...just for fun!

LMAO...he said that he can't be cloned but is available on weekends!

I will do the best that I can in regards to giving that part over to God...


I am continuing to look towards my motives and make sure that I'm not using him or settling myself...which at the same time can be draining...

Rin:

Isn't just having someone to talk about it worth something MORE than you ever had before?

Also, the RC time? Maybe you need to look at other activities that he might be more interested in. And its not a BAD thing if you have to make the plans. If RC time is building resentment because you have to plan it, so it isn't REAL RC time unless HE plans it, then that is your real problem.

Continue the discussion, and watch the actions.

That is what matters.

LG

THIS makes a HUGE different! Feeling listened too! No one telling me I shouldn't feel this way or that way! XWH was very good at dismissing my thoughts and feelings! J does NOT do that! Even when there is nothing he can do, he says "I wish there was some way that I could help!" or he just wraps his arms around me and sometimes that makes all the difference in the world!


I think that you have hit on something here. I do like it when he plans things, whether it's going to a movie or a get together with friends; however, I feel like he wouldn't like the outdoor activities so I am hestiate. Now, he has told me in the past that all I had to do was ask if there was anything that I wanted to do. It's not a lack of effort on his part. In my past life, I didn't have to plan outdoor activites, XWh would just say do you want to or we're going to do and I was cool with that! Sometimes I ahve an attitude about it and at this point I'm not even sure why. I know that I would get upset because it was always my responsiblity to find a sitter, which was the hard part. These days I don't have to worry about that becasue I don't always have the kids. If there is something in the middle of the week, I try to find someone or don't go and he goes. Then, there's the feeling for him that he is leaving me out, but I explained that there will be times when one of us will not be able to attend something together and that's fine because we need that time apart with friends or family.

I don't think that it's a resentment, it's more like a loneliness, sadness and that throws me into missing my past life. Same thing with the SF problem, makes me miss my past live, although I don't want XWH back. Please don't get me wrong and of course since I starting missing those things, I start kicking myself for it, makes me wonder if I'm comparing J to XWH in some way and that's wrong, which in turns leads me to "I don't know if I can do this! I don't want to waste his time or my time or put myself in a position one day that I am the WS." I never want to inflict that kind of pain on anyone and I think just knowing that is pretty awesome.

So it appears that I have to work on planning things and speaking up becasue on my list of things that I liked was inititive, spontanousiness, surprises, and I like the "hey, let's go..." Instead of focusing on the weather outside, because he doesn't like too hot weather and doesn't like cold weather...I need to be using "I" statements and just say "Hey, I would like to go to the park or for a walk or sit by a fire!"

If I am telling myself that he wouldn't like that without asking him then wouldn't that be considered a DJ in my head?


Oh, LG, always have loved the way you can nail things...

My friend married late in life. No one could ever compare to her dad. She wanted a strong, loving, silent, take-charge, military man like him. She married a so-so guy who just...existed. She spent many years miserable because he wouldn't make the decisions, take charge, etc.

But the truth is, he would never measure up, and he knew it. Plus, She was still living with her parents (at 40!) when he met her. And when they married, they moved in with her parents! Their home, their furniture, their rituals...it permeated everything they did.

So this poor man really never had a chance to be what she wanted.

I guess what I'm trying to say is it's easy to say he won't do this or that, but it might help if you step back and try to see WHY he won't, and see if you're contributing to it.

I have no idea if that has anything to do with your situation, but it's a valid question to ask, in any situation.

Rin,

Have the two of you sat down and gone through the ENQ, the RC Q and the other basic concepts of MB lately? It sure sounds like at the very least the ENQ and the RC forms needs to be filled out.

As for SF, I am not sure what to say. Compatibility in the area is quite important, especially if SF is high on your EN list.

As for stepping back at taking your own inventory...I say KUDOS! We all need to re-examine what we bring to the R.

Strivin, thanks for the update! I'm so proud of you!

Have you reread the "Willingness to Desire" articles on here lately? Maybe something will ring a bell?

Cat, that is something to think about...I certainly don't think that I compare him to the X like that! J is a much better man than XWH ever thought about being.

I do think that because he is a different sort of man than I have been raised around that it's hard to accept that he's not one for the outdoors. I was brought up around hunting, fishing, camping, working outside, none of which J does, or was even taught to do.

Well, I started this post early this morning and was never able to get back to it. I'll have to try again later!