I do not think that because they do not post here that makes them not in pain. I also don't think that doesn't mean they are doing the necessary steps to CHANGE themselves. Usually, they are doing with their own counselor's or are partaking in MB coaching...(I'm talking about the WS that belong to the BS on this forum, not all WS in general....). These boards are not easy for most WS to partake in. Even Steve Harley has said that......we are a "rough" sorta bunch....


I have completely disagree with this. I know for a FACT that my H was in TREMENDOUS pain while in his A. He looked just plain AWFUL. I talked about regularly on my thread. In fact, many VETS gave me grief for being some empathetic towards him....but it was ABSOLUTELY true. He was in hard, searing pain. Some of that was because of what he had become and some of it was due to WD when him and OW would "try" and break it off, but it was pain none-the-less. It was gut-wrenching to watch.......and heck, my H wasn't even living with me at the time, so I wasn't around him 24/7 to see it.......

I have always stated and I firmly believe, that the pain and trauma ensued by the affair is worse on the WS rather than BS. Because they have to LIVE with the knowledge of the evil they partook in......I cannot even imagine it....and I wouldn't trade places with H for a bazillion dollars....

not2fun

I am not sure here. I think that if they were so unhappy they would end the A. They do have a choice. They tell us later on that they were not happy but that is when they can hardly remember what was happenng to them while in the fog.
I think the BS is in much more pain because she is the abandoned person. WS has OP so they have eachother for comfort but we are alone. I can assure you my H is much happier and he has no remorse or guilt whatsoever.
blessing

{{{{Atena}}}}}},

That quite alright dear!!!!....But alas, no my mom did not necessarily implode, well not at least in the way that would be good for her. She STILL blames all of her affairs on everybody BUT herself. Look, she's a good example for me when it comes to talking about the fog, but besides the affairs, she has had MANY, MANY tough issue's to deal with in her life. And because of those issue's, she has played the "victim" card very well.....but in reality, she does this to take the spot-light off herself. Its a very taxing situation. I like to mention her, only because like I said, she has been not had an affair for 24 yrs, but she is still very foggy....ie, entitlement fueled by resentment.....

As far as your WH goes, SINCE you are in Plan B, YOU do not know how he is (yes i know you still see him at work....but you are not really in the know of how his life is going....). And I also am a firm believer, that even IF a WS is seemingly happy at the moment, they will get their's one day. If not here, then on Judgement day......

(((((Atena))))))

not2fun

I just know he was not happy with me and that he acts happier without me. I do not know how he really feels. I just see him every so ofter and never straight in the face, alway behing or from a distance.
blessing

That's okay, we can agree to disagree......

I get all of my OPINIONS (you know what they say about those, don't ya??....everyone's got one....), from MY experience from H's affair, my sister, who had her own affair which ended right before H began his, from reading what FWS on here have written (I am very close to a FWW on here, named Lala...), and of course, my mom.......


Ah....but then you have the ADDICTION side of the affair. Have you ever heard of drug addicts and alcoholic's who WANTED so badly to quit, but couldn't???? I also believe Dr. H's assessment about affairs being an addiction. I know for a fact that H and OW tried multiple times to end their affair. It never lasted more than 2 days......the WD was just too painful to bear..... . But that is the reality of addiction....


I am not trying to "lessen" the pain of the BS. Heck, I WAS the BW.....
I have also said too, that the this pain was NOT a choice for the BS, whereas, the WS did choose it.......also, there really isn't any point on debating on the BS pain vs. the WS pain.....its all rather crappy....


That is true that they have each other....

But I was not alone. I had my children, my dad, my sister, my friends, and this wonderful place to help me through those darkest of hours.......I also had respect, dignity, and integrity....and above all, God.......and in the end, when I saw what H had BECOME, I didn't want THAT anyway......

(((((Atena)))))

I hope you don't think that I am not understanding your pain. I know this hurts for you. Your post during the holidays made me weep. I do hope though, that you can find joy in life, or at least some peace. I truly did not want to create any bad feelings for you.....

not2fun

Yes, it is futile to debate on the amount of pain. It is pain no matter what.
I know you understand my pain. It is all in the mind at this point as I really do not have any contact with H. It is simply re-play of old stories and mental movies.
It takes a long time to get over this. I hoped I would start feeling better, but I really have lots of intense ups and downs.
Blessing

^^^^^^bump^^^^^^^^

atena,

I am in a unique position, having had a ONS early in my marriage, and also being a BS several times over as well.

Which hurt more?

That's like asking me to put one foot on the hot stove and the other on hot coals and asking which is hotter.

They are both hot. I want both feet OFF THE HEAT.


The pain I felt knowing I had betrayed my husband was nearly unbearable. There was an inner turmoil I find difficult to describe. I stood staring at myself in disbelief, knowing I had perpetrated a crime against the man I loved above all else in the world, yet, I had no explanation as to why, no understanding of my own decision, no way to even believe I had done what I had done - yet knowing I had. It was as though an alternate universe had opened up and I had stepped through it, exploded my own world and everything I ever thought I might do, and then stepped back away, leaving myself in a trail of my own dust.

And then, I went home and confessed to him.

I was as broken as I think I have ever been before that point in my life.

Then, it got worse. Because my confession brought to bear HIS pain on me. Seeing the agony of his pain, and what I had done to HIM, took me further into the depths of what I thought was unbearable distress and excruciating pain.

When I think back on that now, I still cry. It was worse than having to tell him that his brother had died, worse than having to stand with him when we let his father go, worse than anything else.

Why?


Because everything that happened was completely and totally under MY control. I could have, and should have, made different decisions. AND I KNEW IT AT THE TIME.

I knew it at the time.

I disregarded the well-being of another person. Me. I did that.


I hated myself for that. It took a very long time for me to recover from my own self-degradation, self-loathing, self-hating for what I did to this man.


It did not matter that he he later had a revenge affair. In fact, at the time, I think I probably accepted that as my karma, a sort of just punishment. He, however, did not accept it that way. He felt very much of the remorse and self-loathing that I was feeling.

Somehow we pulled it together and started over as a couple. We worked things out.

For awhile. We did not do things right, nope. We did not "recover" the right way from those affairs. And our marriage paid a price. A couple of years later, he had another woman he was interested in, and he left. He was gone for about three months, and very clearly told me he was ending the marriage.

I was devastated. That hurt. As much as being the WS? I dunno.


Then we got back together, and in the same week he did it AGAIN. And we got back together, because we knew it was still the right thing to do.

For about 28 years, things were right, because we did do things the right way this time.

Until the most recent OW, 5 years ago. Something went wrong in his head, he was lax in his boundaries, and there was something else going on. (turns out he had cancer)

Yet, this time, being a BS about killed me.

It took a long time for me to really get back on track. A very short time to know that I wanted the marriage to survive, but a longer time to get through everything. I think the cancer had a lot to do with the weird recovery timeline. It interfered with some things - some things went faster, other slower than typical.

But which hurt worse, BS or WS?


Yes.

Wow SB. I didn't know your entire story. Wow is all I can say. You have helped me so much on these boards and I really appreciate reading your history.