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Touching back in for review, exhorts, and corrections...

I am a little dismayed at how things are working out between CJ and I. On the one hand, we are working through correcting LBs and ENs and doing a lot of romantic things. This, I am enjoying greatly. The issue is that not all of it 'feels' genuine. I expected this, knowing that the 'fog' is sometimes quite thick, and the effects of withdrawal from an affair can take some time and also can affect the relationship. I'm aware of THOSE things, and I'm pretty well prepared to handle them.

But what I am not prepared for is the game. We had agreed that CJ would get rid of her alternate email address and facebook account. Sometime last week, I discovered that she had not gotten rid of the Facebook account, and brought this up. She said that she was running a website that was connected to the account, and that a lot of people were involved in the website, so that if she closed her Facebook account, the website would also be closed. I didn't really understand all that, but we worked out a compromise: she would transfer ownership of the website to someone else and then close it.

I was under the impression that she had done so.

Today I found out that not only had she not done this, but that she was still active on her alternate Facebook account - including sending a note to OM about how she was concerned about him (also stating that she knew it was none of her business)...

So I checked the alternate email address: and found that just last night, while I was making dinner, she had sent a very long email to the OM. It is not a love letter per se, but one that is designed to 'encourage and strengthen' him...

Basically an EA letter stepped back a bit from the graphic sex that had made up previous ones.

This means that I have to take more drastic action - but it also means that I have lost a lot of love - and this is getting ridiculous. I am pretty near simply writing this all off.....

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And I'll say again...

Quote
I would make it a requirement that she come clean here on MB, using her old username. I would also require an MB Weekend and consistent follow-up with the Harley staff.

If she refused, I would tell her to pack up and get out.

This isn't the "average" situation, as she was completely informed and educated on how to avoid an affair and still chose not to.

What was your old username?


If you settle for crumbs,
you should expect crumbs.


Happily married to HerPapaBear



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And TOF,

I'm sorry you are dealing with this.

{{{{{TOF}}}}}}


Happily married to HerPapaBear



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She keeps on lying to me!!! ):

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TOF,

I agree with SMB. None of us should settle for crumbs. I am in my early forties, but i have come to realize that there are people who are "broken" and can't be "fixed".

I am not saying your WW is that way for sure, but she sure seems like it.

I wish I had stood up for myself more earnestly earlier in my own equation.

Some people are the type that you will live your whole life babysitting, catching them in one situation or the next, like a puppy that can't be house trained and keeps on going in the house and bows his head guiltily because he knows what he did was wrong; but will keep right on doing it.

SWW

Last edited by sickwithworry; 11/26/09 12:16 AM.
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Pardon the rambling post - I'm really tired....

Went back over the concept of 'no contact', she has gotten rid of her extra facebook account, and today she is supposed to close her extra hotmail account. We also agreed that she have no chats with members of the opposite sex.

At least, it seemed like we agreed.....didn't really get a firm commitment on that. Still not sure when she agrees to something if that is actually an agreement or not... I'm not being weak here - I have access to her computer and I can actively remove the chats, but I am hoping this will be done freely on her part. I can always hope!

We had a very good, long talk last night. The one trouble I am having is that it still seems to me that in the end I am the only who gets blamed for this whole thing. I won't take credit for anything more than my own actions (or inaction). Yet I am still unsure as to what she is really thinking. Probably just a reaction to being burned so badly - I find it hard to believe ANYTHING.

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If I were you, I would be checking up on her every 4 hours, for the next 4 to 6 weeks. Just make it a massive bombardment, so that she GETS what you're going through. And if she doesn't like it, well, then you have your answer.

Is it just me, or is she just really not repentant?

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She is acting like a real creep, send her here and we will 2x4 her.

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For me, when I was truly repentant, I didn't care what steps H wanted to take. I was glad for him to take them. When I was defensive or hiding, I dragged my feet and questioned or evaded him. It's like drug testing: if yu don't take drugs, then what's the problem?

I got some stern rebuke from people too. But they were right, and I needed to be rebuked. Waywardness is wrong, and a wayward person needs to have the glaring light swtiched onto them.

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I pop by here every so often and my GOD, I'm absolutely SHOCKED by this. CJ and I were good friends who talked on the phone and wrote letters and... it dwindled down to occasional emails and then ... nothing. I haven't heard from her in a year or two. I guess I know why. Man, I just can't believe it. I just never, ever in a million trillion years thought she'd do something like this! I'm almost speechless.

TOF, I am very sorry for your pain. I have been on both sides of this thing and I know the devistation.

Don't take the blame for choices that aren't yours. Active adulterers need someone to blame and unfortunately spouses are the likely choice. It is NEVER about the spouse. It is ALWAYS about the person making the very poor choice to cheat. If you're like most of us, TOF, you have enough on your own shoulders to carry the blame of someone else.

Keep us up to date, please. I know many of us care...


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Well, I am back to being very confused again. I cannot see what I am to do. CJ has still not broken off contact, she chats daily with one of the OM's friends - and will not allow me to see her chats.

The other night, she was chatting directly with OM - I sat there and watched the chat log on my computer - sitting right next to her. At one point, she noticed that I had the log open - and she simply deleted the chat log and changed the directory so I can't access it again - she said not a word. I was stunned.

Now I've found out that she still has the alternate email address that we had agreed must be deleted (at least, I was under the impression of agreement...). It carries responses from her alternate Facebook page - which she supposedly turned over to someone else. SHe has no password for it on her computer, so I assume she is telling the truth there. However, one of the responses on her email was from the OM - and today, without telling me she deleted the email.

In other words, in my mind, she is still living a hidden life and it seems that she has no intention of letting me in.

I'm starting to get very angry - which does not happen with me very often. How am I to handle this? Weekly confrontations exposing contact? Sheesh! HOw often must she admit and promise to stop???

Last edited by Theoldfool; 12/02/09 04:38 AM.
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Without telling her. Separate finances. Close her off your bank accounts and cancel her CCs. You should not be expected to fund any lifestyle but the one you have together. There must be consequence to her actions.

Last edited by ouchthathurt; 12/02/09 06:27 AM.
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Something broke in CJ. My first clue was when I started getting spammed by CJ's email - which typically only happens when you start looking at corrupt web sites after using your email. I tried to email CJ back and let her know but I'm guessing she doesn't use that account anymore. I even posted a notice to her on the after divorce board about it.

I'm sorry for what you are going through (again). And that it's at CJ's hand. I thought she'd been hurt badly by her x that she'd never walk on that side of the street. She must be terribly broken inside and avoiding looking at herself.

Where you are now unable to work, are you able to get disability or any form of assistance? Check with United Way and let them know you're about to lose your financial support (wife) and need to be checking into some resources to give you some autonomy.

Then Plan B her. If you own the home, kick her out and give her the letter; she knows the drill.

Is she drinking or using drugs as well?

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Originally Posted by KaylaAndy
Something broke in CJ. My first clue was when I started getting spammed by CJ's email - which typically only happens when you start looking at corrupt web sites after using your email. I tried to email CJ back and let her know but I'm guessing she doesn't use that account anymore.

That was my experience, as well.

And I agree, something must have snapped. I can't believe we're talking about the same person I knew.

Oddly enough, I got an email from her last week, which is what prompted me to check in here. I didn't even read the email because it was a forward. But it made me think of her. I was sad... she seemed to have dropped off the face of the earth. Sigh.

TOF, protect yourself. Like others have said, you know the drill - so does CJ. No use asking why or how or anything else. Just do. Do what needs to be done. If you need reminders of what that is: expose, protect yourself and your children, and DOCUMENT everything...

... and a little prayer wouldn't hurt, nor a check into what's available for you in your community for financial and emotional help through this very rough time... and beyond.

Horrible situation. Sorry to keep saying how shocked I am but every once in awhile I am completely blindsided by peoples actions. This is one of those times.


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Quote
In other words, in my mind, she is still living a hidden life and it seems that she has no intention of letting me in.
Obviously, that's not even true. She is not even trying to pretend that she's not contacting him - she's doing it sitting right next to you!

Time to be ruthless. Shut down all accounts. Turn off all internet and phone. Make her work at it to get it all back. But it will not be condoned by you.

Then get ready to Plan B.

I agree - call United Way.

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I'm posting stuff here right now mainly for documentation. Today she set up a new gmail address (without telling me) using her old affair screen name. Furthermore, she received a password and login for an online gaming site from OM.

At the same time she's been telling me how much she want to make 'us' work.

I also suspect she has managed to reactivate her facebook alternate site.

I believe 'I feel violated' is the term. Will address all of this tonight, make a final request, and then move on from here.

Thanks for all the advice.

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Shut it all down if you can. Cut off the internet!


One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger

I will not spend my life this way.
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You'd have more of an effect if you go ahead and have her clothes packed before you talk.

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Originally Posted by karmasrose
Shut it all down if you can. Cut off the internet!
Heck, yeah. Go outside and cut the cord, if you have to.

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Sorry for your situation. I agree with advice - you need to go Plan B dark.

Gg


D-Day #1 Aug/2007.
D-Day #2 1/27/12
Legally Separated
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