tank, one of the beauties of this forum is that you will be able to see how others view you. This is especially important for a wayward spouse to see because he/she is entrenched in a fantasy mindset. Folks here are not going to tiptoe around you to make you comfortable with fantasies. That would be a grave disservice to you. Folks here will help you, but they won't help you foster fantasies about a sleazy affair.

To those who are objective observers, ideas like "soul-mate" are laughable and childish. It is important for you to see this and not lash out at objective observers. Some day when this is far behind you, you will come back and read what you said and laugh yourself, I assure you.

I welcome you to our forum, and would ask you to carefully consider the posts you get. They are objective, you are not.

you have had some awesome responses to your post.

I am sorry 2 posts have you mad and crying. If you were more familiar with this forum those 2 short posts would not hurt so much.

Please focus on the great advice you are getting.

There is an ignore feature for the 'sarcastic' posts.

Best wishes for your recovery.

By the was thedude, spouses should stay away from each other's posts.

I would suggest that you would call for counseling with the Harley's. Professional help beats advice on these boards anytime.

You have to take the good with the bad and the ugly here. You won't get sugar coating, but you WILL get help.

Love in Christ,
Miss M

thedude, this is a good sign, not a bad sign. Let us help her and please go back to your thread.

Especially when you consider the OM (or OP, if you will) is a lying, deceitful, unscrupulous POS who thinks nothing of ruining lives and families instead of trying to build relationships with people who aren't bound by oaths of fidelity and commitment.

tank, if you want to save your marriage, or think you might want to save it, this forum is a good place to be.

Most of the people on here are spouses who were cheated upon --whether emotionally or physically, but there's not much difference in terms of the impact upon the betrayed spouse. Not all of them have marriages that are recovering well, or at all. But almost all of them have something worthwhile to tell you -- even if it's only a sarcastic remark that helps get through to you the pain that your "harmless" internet affair was causing. And chances are, there are important kernels of truth behind even the sarcastic remarks.

When I started posting here, I got many very good words of advice, and also got my share of 2x4's across-the-head, which helped me realize some areas where my thinking or actions weren't up to par, and a heckuva lot of insight into the pain that one feels when one is cheated upon.

I still don't have it all figured out, and my marital recovery isn't done by any means -- as my wife said in one of her posts, things aren't perfect, and won't ever be. That's sin for ya. However, I've learned a few things that I'd be happy to pass along in the weeks or months ahead. You have to know that this isn't a place to come and offload your sense of guilt. There are no magic bullets that'll get you feeling better in just a day or a week or a month. It takes time -- most of all, time spent together with your husband, where you can give one another your undivided attention. And it takes work, it takes listening, and it takes discipline to express yourself to him in ways that avoid blaming him for your actions.

Are you up for it?

Hopefully, soon you'll be able to step back and get an honest chuckle at the notion of that anyone who's carried on an internet fantasy-affair & allowed it to damage her real-life relationship with her husband, somehow has standing to judge others for their maturity. Wouldn't that be the pot calling the kettle black? Recovering your marriage takes proactive humility, and it helps to practice & cultivate your ability to forgive certain slights. Yes, you might hear some things that make you mad at first. But don't care if they make you mad, if they might help make you better.

please don't take it personal. You two will be doing the same thing 2 years from now. Its(Infidelity)that childish/immature...DUDE

WOW! Thats good...DUDE

I know exactly how tank feels. When I went to my first AA meeting back in 1985, I went on and on with some crap about how it was someone else's fault that I drank. The members LAUGHED! I left in a HUFF.

But I quickly realized that bull**it was not going to work there; they were not going to aide and abet me by entertaining my bs. I realized quick that if I wanted help, I was going to have to knock off the crap and get honest.

I just wasn't used to people being straight with me and was SHOCKED when they didn't believe my crap.

That is how this forum is. Bullcrap has a very short shelf life here......THANK GOD.

tank, don't be upset at the reaction to the term "soulmate," please use that reaction as a learning experience. That is how normal people react to that phrase. It is silly and highschoolish and you need to know that normal, objective folks view it as such.

Does this mean you found no reply helpful?

Or did you find one post "offensive" enough for you to tell your BH that you "tried", but just can not tolerate posting on MB now?

When I first came here in the middle of w/drawals I barely noticed "tough" posts. I already felt so damned awful that no one could have made me feel worse.

I was so in need of others who had experienced what I had and could tell me how to make it out to the otherside, that I would have tolerated extremely harsh posts... if it meant I could get help from others.

Are you really looking for help?

Don't disappear Tank. This is going to be so much harder to get through on your own.

You are actually being treated with kid gloves here.

If you're serious about putting your life and your marriage back together, this is the place to be.

This is such an awesome statement. Brought tears to my eyes. Thanks glove - never has how I feel been so well stated.

Linus

Did you read all the posts or just the one that offended you? You asked for WSs and WSs responded. Several WS's have written mature responses but you are choosing to ignore them - ask yourself why?

I agree with Marsh on your motivation for being here and I doubt you'll be back.

Gg

Tank,

Please read GloveOil's P.S. a few times and understand that he is coming from the same side of the equation that you find yourself in. In fact. many of the people posting to you are former wayward spouses. Most came here in much the same condition you are in and some were treated much more harshly than you have been. Some showed up wanting to continue the affair and a few would never have dreamed of admitting the affair to their spouse.

I also understand that you think that your marriage could never be as awesome as this "soul mate" thing you have in your mind. As GO so beautifully pointed out, it never really was a real relationship as much as it was a creation that served the only purpose of making you feel good, mainly about yourself.

But let me assure you that by following MB methods, you and your husband can have a marriage that will blow your socks off. You can be happy, in love with each other and wonder what ever made you think it was any other way. And I'm not just talking about sacrificial love or any of that kind of thing here but a heart thumpin' can't wait to see each other love affair with you husband as the object of your affections.

The folks posting to you know the reality of where you find yourself because they've BTDT and got the scars from the beatings they took to get where they are today.

Mark

You need to suck it up and stop crying and pining over your "soulmate"(you know, the one, as Fred points out, that lied, cheated and did not care about either family((you really need to up your "soulmate " standards)). Maybe, just maybe, witnessing this and reading about it just might hurt your BH, ya think?
MY first wife used weird, amorphous, sophomoric terms like this. Her favorite was "connection". She had "connection" with her serial affair partners.

This type of gibberish will , hopefully, embarrass you at some point in the future, as Mel points out.

So , ease up on the Harlequin Romance novels and think about your hurting spouse.

Tank,

I think that Marsh is largely correct where your situation is concerned - I think if you are REALLY, REALLY honest with yourself you'll agree as well...

My thoughts, as a FWW, upon reading your initial post? Sounds to me like you are looking for "empathy"...that you believed that those here who have been where you are would dole that out in spades, instead of telling you how to fall back in love with your husband...I think you wanted to hear stuff like, "yeah, sometimes that happens and the OP is really 'the one'"...You were hoping to indulge yourself in a bit of reminiscing about the affair - the OM on your mind and fingers as you typed exactly what happened with him and why - getting to explain how "different" and "special" the two of you were [cough*baloney*cough] - ah yes, doing all that stuff feeds the addiction - I remember well...I think the responses you got from other FWSs didn't meet up with what you hoped they would tell you - or really what you hoped they would tell your BH - you wanted the responses to dash your BH's hopes that MB can and does work...But Tank, it DOES work - my husband and I are living proof of that...

Listen, click on my name here and go read my first posts back in 2005 - I came here asking if the feelings for my husband (Mr. W) would return [I did NOT believe they would] - I said some pretty offensive things myself - stuff like "I still have in-love feelings for OM" - oh and my very best fog laden thread title called something like "Clarity From Contact With OM" - UGH, I look back and can't believe what a total ninny I was! Go read those early threads of mine - and read them knowing a couple of things - MOST IMPORTANTLY, Mr. W and I remained married and today are very much in love - not only did my feelings for him return, they deepened due to working the MB program in it's entirety...AND, I "get" where you are coming from right now - the OM in our situation I had known for nearly all of my life - we grew up together and dated off and on for 9 years through high school and college - I understand that aspect of "meant to be" that I KNOW you are feeling regarding the OM in your situation - but really, if it had been "meant to be" then it would have been "back in the day"...seriously...stay here, really work the MB program and you'll come to get all of this...

You've had some fabulous posts made to you on your thread - please read them again and again...And really, you need to hear ALL OF IT...Even what you now consider offensive - it won't always be that way to you - like others have told you, someday you will read your defensive responses here and laugh at yourself - I have been there, so I know what I'm talking about where that is concerned...

I hope you will return and give your marriage the real shot it deserves...Looking forward to hearing from you...

Mrs. W

I think it says a lot about this program, this site, and the people here that a woman who's issue goes back almost 5 years and who's marriage has recovered still comes back and offers advice - and very good advice - to others who are hurting.

But where is tank?

Us FWWs have all been there (I guess), and remember feeling like you - although you probably won't believe that. Let us know what you think of the rest of the advice!

You've taken a good first step by asking. hang around a bit longer and see how you feel in a week or so.

I wonder how many people read the Welcome message that's on top of every page in this forum? This board was started in 1996 -- which is almost prehistoric in Internet terms! Considering the lifespan of web sites, eCommerce sites and the like, the sheer staying power of this site is a testament to its efficacy!

The truth hurts.

Devote yourself to your betrayed husband, and go to complete and utter NO CONTACT with this other human FOR LIFE!!!!

Do that and the addiction will fade faster than you think.

I'll jump into the fray -- but Tank, are you even here?
Before I spend time and energy composing a post to help you, I'd like to know you are at least ACKNOWLEDGING the people who are trying to help you....

You've only responded to one poster. This is going to require your active participation. Are you up for it?