I cheated on the most wonderful man in the word. My husband and I have been married 10 years. I just turned 40. Recently a younger man started paying attention to me, giving me compliments continuously. It made me feel so alive to know that another man thought I was beautiful, I just ate it up. I only was with the man once (once was enough to make me realize what I was doing). I never want to see this man again. I have hurt my husband so much, however, he wants to work things out. I have so much regret in my heart for what I did and how I hurt the only man I will ever love. I don't know how to start mending our marriage and am practically in a panic that I don't know where to begin. Can you offer any advice where I should start?

You say you both want to work things out. I assume this means that your husband knows of your affair. Is that correct?

You also said you want to never see OM ever again. This is really a requirement to recover from the affair. How did you meet OM? Is there no possible way to bump into him around town?

I suggest that you be 100% honest with your husband about the affair. Hold nothing back in the way of details or answers to his questions. Any additional information that comes out later, and it always does eventually, will set everything back to zero for recovery.

I also think you should consider what might have put you in a place where you allowed yourself to ignore the vows you made at your wedding. Do not try to make this about what your husband was doing or not doing but look at what was going on inside of YOU at the time. This is the part that needs to be repaired to prevent a recurrence.

If you haven't already done so, be sure to read the Basic Concepts linked on the nav-bar as well as the articles related to infidelity in in the link to Q&A columns.

You might also want to read the book Surviving An Affair available from the bookstore on this website.

Mark

Does your H have the complete story? That would be a good place to start.
Then you could start counseling with the folks that operate this site. They are said to be very good at this type of thing.

STD testing, asap, as well, as a practical matter.

Yes, he does have the story. How can I go about getting counseling from this site?

Start here http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7000_counsel2.html

Thank you very much.

Lisa,

Almost a year ago, I was exactly where you are. I never wanted to leave my wife, but there were things that she & I had let slide in our marriage, and suddenly when someone else started dropping some little affirmations my way, I started making lousy decisions, telling lies, living a deceitful life.

There may well be a chance you can save your marriage, but it isn't going to be all-better & forgotten quickly or without lots of tough emotional digging by both you & your husband.

Some things that I discovered in the process of crawling out of my own self-inflicted marital train-wreck:

--Complete honesty on your part is essential. "Trickle-truth" will set you back. Trying to "protect" your husband's feelings by hiding secrets from him will make your marital recovery that much harder, not simpler. Tell him what he asks. (Any attempts at covering your bum will be seen as exactly that -- as acts of pure self(ish)-interest.)

--In keeping with the above, you need to be honest with yourself & your husband about the full extent of your affair. Chances are, you didn't get where you got all in the course of a single afternoon. The compliments probably came to you over time (weeks? months?), and you probably made clear that they were welcome as things escalated; am I right? You probably were in an emotional affair for a while before it became physical. And an emotional affair is an affair just the same. Don't let yourself come off sounding in his ears like you're trying to minimze what happened. You need to be honest about the full extent & history of the adulterous relationship.

--Resist the urge to try to explain your actions. While there are explanations, please keep in mind that explanations are NOT the same as excuses (and there are no excuses for what people like you & I did when we cheated). A betrayed spouse is most likely not in any condition to be able to distinguish between explanations & attempted excuses. Again, don't let yourself come off sounding in his ears like you're trying to minimze what happened.

--Let him be angry & vent. Remember that you -- the one person who swore to protect him -- have just taken his heart & dashed it to the ground. He's got every right to be upset. If he wants space, give him space. If he wants you to get out of the house for a spell, then get out of the house. If he wants you to go to a marriage counselor, don't argue with him. If he wants time with you, then give it to him.

--It's essential that you cease ALL contact with the other man immediately & henceforth. Any contact will set you back. This is non-negotiable. Read about "no contact" on this site. This may require a job change, or other measures (look up "extraordinary precautions" on this site.) How did you meet the other man? How does he know it's "over"? Is he also married?

--If you don't want to lose your husband, tell him so, unequivocally. This is the time to check any pride at the door. You want to be trusted again by him someday, so you're going to have to be willing to commit an act of trust, by placing your heart entirely in his hands, to see if he rejects it or (with time) accepts it. (And again, truth: He deserves to be able to make this choice under conditions of truth from you, not laboring under any lingering deceit. If you want him to forgive you, then he has to know all it is that you need to be forgiven for.)

--Obtain & read the book "Surviving An Affair" ASAP! As my wife says, it's a book that may well have saved our marriage. The first part provides some very useful perspective on affairs; the second part has lots of great advice for assessing your & your husband's needs & relationship, in ways that'll help you to better meet each other's emotional needs, so that the odds of either of you getting into anything like this again should be reduced. Ideally, you & your husband should read it together, or at least each of you read it & discuss each section, and do the evaluations & exercises together.

--Patience on your part is essential. You probably want to forget this ever happened. But you won't; neither will your husband. Perhaps you can make your relationship with him better than it was before your affair, and you can get it back to a place where it won't seem like work; but it will take lots of work & patience to get to that place. Think in terms of months & maybe years, not days/weeks.

Don't get scared off by some of the 2x4's that you'll get on this site. There are lots of betrayed spouses here, and their comments might give you some insight into the profound pain that people like you & me cause to our spouses. Recovering a marriage takes a thick skin & a lot of introspection. It takes placing pity for your husband over your self-pity about how lousy you may feel over what you've done. Stick around. Ask questions. When you get good advice, act on it.

P.S. -- some abbreviations you'll see people using:
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1984040#Post1984040

Lisa,

You've come to the right place. It is the best club no one ever wants to be a part of. The members here have walked in your shoes, other's have walked in your husbands shoes. You have made a critical first step by coming here and offering to get counseling.

The couselors's here are top notch. Their specialty is infidelity and will coach you and your husband on what to do to rebuild your marriage. I would suggest to start reading all of the material on the site. Also, read some of the threads of former Wayward Wives who have reconcilled their marriages or are in process. SOme of these posters include:

Mrs Wondering
KIWIJ
Writer 1
Ivetz

Lisa, there are many that have walked in your shoes at this site.

God willing, you are on the right track already.

Lisa,

Is this Other Man(OM) a co-worker?

Lisa,
Below is a link to Harley's response to a wayward wife on the rules to recover a M. Listen to advice here by others and keep reading - you're in right place.

Harley Response to Wayward Wife

Gg

gg gave you a great link to look at.

I would like to see you read this as well

LINK regarding how affairs should end

Hi, Lisa.

Along with the fantastic advice and reading suggestions you've already received, I urge you to remove all physical reminders of the OM and your time with him from your life.

Get rid of anything and everything that you associate with the OM -- pictures, CDs, ticket stubs, poems, coffee mugs, cards, emails, clothing (I got rid of a leather jacket I had owned for 13 years because my FOM said he thought I looked "hot" in it), MP3s, keychains, knick-knacks, jewelry... This will go a long way in helping you manage those memories that are going to crop up at random times. Control what you can.

There are FWWs here who are recovered and some of us who are struggling to save our Ms. In other words, you are not alone. Listen to the people here who want to help you and your H. If possible, try to see if your H will also come here so that he can benefit from Harley's wisdom and the experience of others who have walked in his shoes.

If I may suggest one more thing... You are going to receive a lot of great advice from many amazing, learned, and courageous people here. Make a list and journal what you're given as it will be difficult to find the items you need to do and answer as your thread grows.

There will be advice that you need to implement immediately, some that may require a little time first, and some that will take much repetition, time, and patience. Therefore, you need a plan. I received that advice early on after my D-day and it was the most important in my mind. Among the shame, chaos, and pain that I was feeling (not to mention what I was seeing in my BH), it was hard to keep things straight. Once I got my bearings, took pen to paper, and determined my plan it was easier for me to wade through the trauma I had brought upon our M and determine the course that I needed to take. Please consider doing the same.

You can do this.

Good luck and God bless.

Send your husband here so we can help him too.

Lisa, have you ended ALL contact with the OM? Is he married and if so, does his wife know?

Lisa,
I am pretty much in your H's shoes. I just wanted to bump your thread.

You have already gotten some awesome awesome advice. 3 1/2 years ago I was in your shoes. Take all of the advice these great people have given you and read everything you can on this site. It's a long process, but there really can be a truly recovered marriage at the other end.

Your husband is giving you a huge gift, BTW. You need to be prepared to work your butt of for a number of years to recover.

Lisa,

I am the wife of throughthefog, and would like to tell you the best thing you can do now is just be completely, brutally honest with your husband. I made the mistake of lying to my wonderful husband for months after he found out about the A. He knew I had been unfaithful and he also knew that I had sex with the OM. Well, he "knew", but didn't know for sure. I had never admitted to it. I kept insisting that we hadn't. This was a HUGE mistake on my part. I should have been honest with him from the get go. I lied because I didn't want to hurt him further than what I already had. I just never could get myself to actually say the words. The day he found out for sure was only because he had guessed the right scenario and I just shook my head, letting him know he was right. I wish to God that I had just told him the day I came back to him. Thank God, he wanted me back. He is the most loving, wonderful man I have ever known and I hurt him beyond belief. For me, I just want to help anyone out there who has been in my shoes. Just tell your BS the complete truth from the start. The lying is actually the worst part of it for my husband. He never thought I would do such a thing to him and it is the BIGGEST regret of my life, of our lives. We are well on our way to recovery finally. It takes a lot for the WS to regain trust of the BS and telling the truth from the start will go a long way in helping you and your husband get on the same road. The 1 year anniversary is quickly approaching and I suggested to my husband that we just turn that bad memory into a good memory. We will have a special date on that day and try to move past it in a good way. Just love your husband through the bad days and answer him truthfully no matter how hard it is for you, he NEEDS that more than you need to spare his feelings and more than you need to just not say the words. I love my husband beyond anything imaginable and am so thankful that he chose to give me another chance. He is my everything!! Our marriage is better now that it has ever been, not because of the A, but because we make a great effort every day to love each other beyond any doubt!! I hope this helps you, Lisa. I am also Lisa and what you said on your first post was exactly how I feel about my husband, in fact my husband thought it was my post. Best wishes to you and your husband!!