As I sit here typing this, I am saddened, heartbroken, & ashamed as I thought I would never be a person going through something like this.

I discovered my H is having an A. He met the OW on Halloween & I discovered it 11/17. It was only when I confronted him about the A was I told there were problems in our marriage & that he wasn't happy (completely blindsided by this).

I was told nothing but lies about who she is & where he met her (they met @ my neighbors house @ a party). After I had discovered the A, he said he wanted to work on the M & go to counseling...but was doing nothing to show that was what he wanted. He said he loved me but wasn't in love with me & his heart wasn't into counseling. I assumed he was tying to tell me he wanted a D but didn't have the nerve to say it...so I did. That next week I had seen an attorney, D papers were signed & filed. To say I was devastated is a major understatement. It all happened so fast!

He has moved out & is living w/ a guy he works with. We have started the every other weekend visitation of our kids (we have 3--10, 6, 2).

This whole situation has bee such an eye opener & although the issues we had weren't justification for having an A, I do realize I wasn't such an innocent party in this whole thing. We have recently started talking & things are good but still on the path of D...as far as I can tell. He has said there are still feelings for me, he is sorry he has hurt me so deeply, the A was the worst decision of his life, & he regrets putting himself in a position like that. I do know the OW is still in the picture but that relationship is fading fast!!

I'm confused as to where things stand right now & I'm not quite sure what everything means for us. We have been married for 13 years, have 3 children & up until now have had a good marriage. I have never wanted a D & I still love him very much. Where do I go from here?! Any help you can give would be greatly appreciated!!!!!

Trying,
Sorry you are here but you are in the right place. This site and the MB principles helped save my M. Does your WS know you do not want the D? Does he want to also save the M?

Gg

trying,

You ARE an innocent party in the whole affair thing. You were not consulted about your H's decision to have an affair. He did not take your feelings into consideration, or even copy you in on the email that announced that your marriage was now an open one, in that each of you could get involved with other people. You did not know about his decisions and you are not to blame in any way for his affair.

If you do not want the divorce to go ahead, then take legal steps to withdraw from your part in the process. I don't know how this is done in your state, but nobody is forced to actively divorce their spouse against their will. You might not be able to stop HIM divorcing YOU in the longer term, but you can probably also slow that down so that there is time for you to talk to him. However, you do not have to divorce him, so withdraw your filing.

Check with your attorney - I believe you might have a "hold" option on the D. This would delay the divorce while you work on your plan to save your M.

Gg

No he doesn't. I feel it it his place to tell me he doesn't want the D & what he plans to do to prove it to me. The issues we had were ones that could be corrected & when brought to my attn I had told him that I was willing to work to correct the problems if he was willing also. (no sexual initiation, not making time for us & occasionally sleeping on the couch...a whole other issue). I feel he might be realizing the immense damage he has done, but I'm not sure if he is trying to show me he wants to try to wok on our M or if he just figures this is the way it is & at least we can have a civil relationship. I'm also afraid to tell him about not wanting the D, because if that is what he really wants & says so, I'd be heartbroken all over again. Maybe a self preservation tactic?

Not sure if this is the wrong approach.

While I do realize it isn't my fault he made the decision to have the A...I also realize it takes two people to be in a marriage to make it work & we/I weren't doing our/my parts.

The issues he said that weren't making him happy were I didn't initiate sex, I didn't make time for us/him-everything else was always more important. I had sleep issues also (due to money worries that weren't communicated to him) & would occasionally sleep on the couch letting the television lull me to sleep. So I feel in some part that the problems in our M were somewhat my fault...by no means do I feel they gave him the right to step outside of our marriage.

He has never outwardly said "yes I want a divorce" & I know he has spoken to an attorney but hasn't retained one yet. So I'm not quite sure what he wants. At the time, I felt the writing was on the wall & there was no other way. Now we are talking & our conversations lead me to believe there maybe a chance to work through this, Some of his actions show that he is still forging ahead w/ the D.

Trying,
Call the lawyer tomorrow and see if you have the hold option on your D. This will buy you time to start Plan A. Plan A is where you show your WS what marriage would be like at its best with you. You'll need to read the articles here to understand how to remove the lovebusters and meet his top ENs. If you can do a stellar Plan A for a month then you can approach him about R the M. Plan A is challenging when you are not living together but it has worked for some in your shoes.

Plan A & Plan B

Gg

Also read the articles in the Newsletter Forum - one is on "When to Call it Quits".

Trying, My WH told me all of those things about what I had done wrong during our M too. I have taken them as they are. First I found out what his ENs are (SF, admiration, DS, etc). That made it easier to do a solid Plan A. Second, it was his way of justifying his A. There is no justification for it. He did what he did(and continuing to do) on his own and not because of what I did or didn't do for him.

My WH gave me the ILYBNILWY speech and he started to rewrite our history. I was warned on here that they follow a script and this is precisely what happened.

You have found a great place on here with a lot of people and support. Listen to the vets, they know what they are talking about.

My thoughts are with you.

Can someone please explain Plan A & Plan B? Has anyone used this plan when the WS wasn't living in the same house?

I'm sorry, I have read the Plan A & Plan B section. How is it executed if the WH isn't living in the house. Can it work? Is this the approach to take even if you're not sure your WH wants to work on the M? Am I understanding this correctly? Plan A goes into effect to help get the WS to work on the M or does it go in effect only when the WS agrees to work on the M?

I don't have any advice to help you determine how to accomplish a Plan A when a WS is not in the same house. You use Plan A when the WS is still carrying on an affair. Plan B is only done AFTER Plan A has been executed.

My WH has stated that there is no hope for over marriage and it is over. I still did a solid Plan A and had to move into Plan B as the affair is still active.

When you use Plan A, it is a tool to try to get the affair to end. Study it, understand it and then do it.

TTGO, if the WH has moved out, Plan A may not be possible, and in fact, it may already be too late for Plan A. In this case, it's time to go straight to Plan B.

Using my case as an example, I went through four weeks of LB, DJ, anger, arguments and more before I found MB. By the time I got here, WW and I already had a separation agreement in place that called for her to move out a week later.

I had no choice but to go to Plan B. There were two good reasons for this:

• To let the WS know what life was like without the BS being there providing support and other EN, and
• To protect the BS from further abuse by the WS continuing the A and rubbing the BS's nose in it.

In some ways this is harder than Plan A.

Plan A calls for being a complete Giver for a limited period of time. That's difficult, so it is a LIMITED time. Plan B calls for a complete blackout on the WS. Sometimes, not knowing what the WS is doing is almost as bad as knowing. Trust me, in the long run, Plan B is a sanity saver.

I currently taking a New Years Eve vacation away from home & friends. Doing so has been a real uplifting experience for me, as it's gotten my mind away from the stuff that would jump out at me daily (of course, with the Internet, I can still check in and see how all of my MB "peeps" are doing).

Repeat after me: Plan B is a sanity-saver. When you start to wonder and equivocate (and you will. Otherwise, you wouldn't be human). Just repeat that over and over!

the point of Plan A is to kill the affair and attract your spouse back into the marriage. Your H is not really interested in the marriage right now, though, because he is having an affair. Once the affair is killed off, he will have much more interest in rebuilding your marriage.

So, your job is to a) kill the affair and b) attract him back by showing him that if he ends his affair you will be willing to meet his needs in the future.

Be assured he only left you for one reason and one reason only: to carry on his affair in peace. And that is clear when you look at this logically. The solution to an unhappy marriage is to work to turn it around, not to have an affair. The fact that he LEFT instead of working on your marriage demonstrates the true reason he left.

So, how do you kill the affair? You expose it. Affairs thrive on secrecy. The most potent weapon you have in your arsenal is EXPOSURE. Everyone should know about his affair, your parents, his parents, the OW's parents, your children, close friends and family. If the OW has a facebook page, I would expose to all her friends and most especially her parents. Exposure ruins the fantasy of the affair and is like bringing a crowd of onlookers into the crack house to watch the crackheads get high. No one likes to get high when everyone is looking!

Dr. Bill Harley, the founder of Marriage Builders and clinical psychologist calls this your most potent weapon:

entire article here

TTG, you should be in Plan A for a few weeks and then go into Plan B. The best advice I can give you is to:

1. expose this affair everywhere to everyone

2. spend the next 3 weeks doing your best Plan A, showing your WS your best side and assuring him if he ends his affair you will be willing to work on the marriage

2a. while you are doing this, start getting all your ducks in a row, such as separating finances, setting up visitation, etc

3. go into a DARK Plan B, which is a separation where you have absolutely no contact with him and don't allow him in the house. Any pertinent contact is to be done via an intermediary

A must read book for this situation is Surviving an Affair by Dr Harley. It can be found at most bookstores or you can buy it cheap off this website. Some key articles about MB are here:

How to Survive Infidelity

Exposure

Carrot and Stick

Thank you Melody for replying.

here's the sequence of events--11/17 d-day COMPLETELY BLINDSIDED!!!

11/18 exposed to his P's, my Mother, & our fiends. H came home after work that day saying he wanted to work on M w/ counseling.
11/19 still giving me no info about the A. I Still had many q's. H left that night temporarily so I could figure out if I could get past this & move on. Moved in w/ man he worked with.
11/20 Both sat w/kids DS10 DD6--No sugarcoating--explained what Daddy had done & we were going to try to work to make things better. H reassured kids we weren't getting a D. Kids devastated. He left.
11/21 Kids called him & asked to see him. Came home & ended up staying here for the night. I wasn't here--went to bst frnds house & spent the night there.
11/22 I Came home. H told me ILYBNILWY & his heart wasn't into counseling. I felt the writing was on the wall & assumed he didn't have the nerve to say it so I did--told him since he doesn't have the ba77s to say it I will... I will give you the divorce!
11/23 met w/ an attorney
11/24 went back signed the D papers
11/25 D papers were filed in the courts.
11/26 found out everything about OW. I was FURIOUS!!!
12/5 served D papers. (@ OW house BTW) Has never acknowledged them to me.

Since then the only contact we have had has only been about the kids--we also have a DS2. He called them every morning & evening. He has seen them alot also as I feel I can't deny THEM their father.

It wasn't until recently I have decided these angry & bitter feelings weren't good for me & to try to let them go for my own emotional health. I have taken a different approach to speaking to him. Since this has happened we have really started talking about what the problems were that led him to feel justified in having an A. I first off let him know that although I was not a completely innocent party in these marital problems....It gave him no right to go outside our M to another woman & he has hurt me very deeply. Ive said to him all along "I may have been part of the problems in the M but he was the demise of the M"

He has said this situation sucks, it's very hard for him too,he's proud of me & likes the woman he has seen I can be in spite of this horrible situation. He is also going to C on his own to help him figure out whats going on in his own head. I told him he won't figure anything out as long as the OW is still in the picture. He told me that is practically over as he hasn't spoken to her in a while & hasn't taken her past few phone calls. I so desperately want to believe him especially since we seem to be making some headway. At least we ar communicating w/each other what the problems were in our M. I have started changing some of the issues he was having w/me. Not taking care of myself & the house, becoming more financially sound, & being less dependent on other people.(my mom)

Not quite sure what to do next. I haven't told him I really do not want the D as I feel this should be his move. Please help!!!

BW 39 (me)
WH 38
M=13.5 YRS
DSx2 10 & 2
DD 6
D DAY 11/17

BTW, finances have already been separated back in Nov. shortly after I had filed for D. His pay day is weekly & he drops off a generous check since I am a SAHM. He sees the kids 1x a week & every other weekend already.

Sorry for the rambling in my earlier post but I wanted you to know what I've already done & where our situation is now. I'm not sure if what I've already done is a help or a hinderance to our situation.

Thank you again for your suggestions & help.

Is he still seeing OW?