When to Call It Quits - Part 2
Last week, I addressed one of the problems that unconditional love can create -- neglect. Many of those who believe that love should be unconditional in marriage feel justified in failing to meet their spouses' emotional needs. I described what spouses usually do when faced with neglect -- they end up having affairs or getting divorced. Those who stay married usually remain unfulfilled for the rest of their lives.
Then, I explained what spouses should do when they've been emotionally neglected. It begins with an effort to respectfully persuade a spouse to meet important emotional needs. But when that doesn't work, I recommend the very controversial step of separation until the most important emotional needs are met.
I help couples avoid calling it quits, not by teaching them how to endure disappointment and suffering, but by encouraging them to insist on having a mutually fulfilling marriage. My approach to the topic of neglect may seem radical to many, because they don't see marital neglect as a serious enough problem to warrant separation. But the alternative for many is to eventually call it quits when an earlier separation would have saved their marriage.
This week, however, my advice to separate will be easier to accept because it involves another serious problem that unconditional love can create -- abuse. In this case, you may feel that separation is too risky, that divorce should be the answer. But as you'll see, even in cases of physical abuse, I don't recommend throwing in the towel until an abusive spouse has been given plenty of opportunity to reform. Towel-throwing should take place only after reasonable efforts to reconcile have been exhausted.
As I mentioned last week, I've come to the conclusion that 80% of all divorces are caused by neglect -- important emotional needs are not being met. You'd think that abuse would be the major contributor, but it's not. In fact, physical abuse accounts for only about 2 1/2 percent of divorces. So while the wife who wrote last week about neglect appears to be in a reasonably safe and normal marriage, she's far more likely to call it quits than the writer of today's letter who is the victim of physical abuse.
Dear Dr. Harley,
I loved your article on unconditional love, and I completely agree with you. I am, however one of the stupid ones that has tried to love my husband unconditionally. I always seem to find some sort of hope, even when there shouldn't be any.
My husband is physically and emotionally abusive to me. He's more than twice my size with a very bad temper. During his temper tantrums he will sometimes rip off his shirt and hit himself in the head while I wonder if I'll be next.
Right now he is on a 1 month deployment to Afghanistan. The other night I told him that I missed him. He got mad at me and asked why. When I said that I couldn't wait for him to hold me again, he said that he wasn't in the "family mood" and he wouldn't be very approachable when he returned. I thought he needed to hear that I loved him unconditionally. It backfired.
I hope that you continue to write on this topic as I feel I am the prime subject for this kind of article. I do truly believe that loving unconditionally has been my greatest downfall.
Thanks for all the great insight you give. Sometimes your emails are the only thing that keeps me from feeling like I'm nothing, and I can see how things are supposed to be.
E.W.
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