Does she have a facebook account?

Don't know. I don't so I guess maybe I'll have to join (never with my real name) so I can see.

Lady,
I'm so sorry -

Gg

If you're going to sit there and watch their online billing and cooing, essentially in real time, I hope you've got a cork for your mouth, and all the weapons and heavy kitchen implements are secured...because keeping quiet (and not prematurely revealing the source of your info) is going to be harder than anything you've done yet.

tl

This hurts, because its going on as I sit here....but it's not that I didn't know. 40 pages of emails had so much online time between them ... it was the real shocker. I expected this....feel like I'm exhausted from the last few days. I so appreciate the support I've gotten here today.

You know, I understand how this crap can lead to murder....it pushes you to the edge emotionally and what you want is to do something to make it end. No fear. An expression of my despair and anger, but like I said earlier, I'm no fool.

And no, I'm not going to sit here and read any more of their adolescent crap. I'm tired of thinking, tired of feeling. I'm going to get my babies (dogs) and go to my bedroom and get in bed with them and watch some tv (or more likely go to sleep from exhaustion). A little junk food might help too....and.... He can go f__K himself!

Like the previous post says, you'll have to be the best actress and act like you know nothing tonight.

Gg

I hear ya. I enjoy watching the show "snapped".

Gg

I think you are too much like me. NO FOOL and won't be taken for a FOOL. I'm afraid you are going to blow. I'm predicting you tell him and that B off w/in the week. I hope you don't, but I think you will. Its the smart, attractive, together people that LOSE IT when they their W is bangn some LOSER or their H is seeing some fat, ugly chick..DUDE

Why Mel...you tricky Texas dog.

Hey Lady! I just finished reading this thread and you have gotten great support here, as I did back 6 years ago. Wow, how time flies when you're having fun!

First, I just want to send you a big hug of support too. What you are going through is one of the most difficult things one can face, being betrayed by the person you love and trust the most. I can identify with so much of what you have written, like I'm sure many here can. I had been with my H for about 26 years when I found out about the little bimbo OW who was his office manager. My H also became very critical during the A and I knew something was up. My elderly father was getting very sick and I was stressed to the max between being his major caretaker, 2 kids, and trying to finish grad school. Oh, the OW went after my H about one month after his father died and he slipped right into it because he was very needy, and my plate was too full. Anyhoo, the A was full on when my dad died. What I call the double whammy, an affair plus an extra tragedy while the A is going on.

I found MB right before d-day. Before I knew the whole truth I was somewhat concerned about telling H to fire her because (1) wonder if she wasn't having an A with him, and (2) it might kill his business because he has a small business and she ran the office. The good folks told me it wasn't my problem, it was H's problem. When I got proof of the EA part of the A I told him to fire her immediately. This probably isn't recommended here, but I then called her before he could get to her and basically blew her out of the water. The little "B" didn't know what hit her.

I did Plan A like crazy, calling my H every name in the book inside my head. She had to work for him for one hellish month and luckily didn't sue him for sexual harassment, even though she definitely was a very equal, pursuing participant in the A.
I didn't have to expose because my H dumped. He also knew if he didn't get rid of her and end the A I would expose their great love to the world. I became a great Sherlock Holmes and found her love letters. In spite of also sobbing on the floor on many occasions, those letters made me LOL. The stupidest thing I've ever seen.

Like you I didn't know if I wanted my H back, but I sure didn't want the "B" to get him. So I worked my butt off to end the A and knowing I then could figure out if I even wanted the M anymore. So just take it one step at a time. These As are bullcrap. Nothing more! Addictions! Hang in here and keep venting.

That was one of a few motivators I had too!
Didn't realize how competitive I actually was, but I was bound and determined that I would win. And yes, change my mind later if I wanted to.

LLL, reading those chats IRL, I hope you have piece of leather to chew on .....
Keep your composure, here's another reminder, do not reveal your snooping tactics, under no circumstances, don't care how much he pisses you off, don't reveal!

Expose this affair.

And .......

I felt the same way. I used to wonder if something was wrong with me...that my motivation was purely that I wanted to WIN over the b*tch and didn't want her to win.

I think it's fairly common and perhaps even a blessing in disguise...if I'd stopped to think about it too much, I would have just filed and tossed him out.

LLL

As the BS of a long term M, I know how you feel. I wanted so desperately to save my M. We were so close to being set for retirement, and had planned to move into a smaller home etc....

My XWH was the champion cake eater. Almost a whole year of d days, false recoveries and bad Plan B's for me. I finally had one too many ddays and went into a final Plan B through the PLan FU door. My D was final in Dec.

I had all of the same feelings that you do now. The one thing that I will tell you whether you recover your M or not is that you must try, and try as much as you can for as long as you can. In other words, follow this program. Plan A for as long as you can stand it (I think 3-4 weeks is recommended), and then do the proper Plan B letter before you go into Plan B.

The one thing that you don't want to do is leave your M without feeling that you did everything possible to save it. Now that I am D'd, I have no regrets. I look back and know that I fought the good fight and there was nothing else that I could do. The credit is now on my XWHs tombstone, not on mine.

Three years and still divorced??! I think she is out on that based on her posts. DUDE


M 36 years in May '09
12/25/06 - Dday - WH promised NC. Plan A in effect. Thought we were in recovery.

6-3-07 - Dday#2 Found out NC never took place and A never ended. Found MB NC promised again, but WH would not write NC letter.

9/07 - Dday #3. Still lying and sneaking around. Plan B implemented
WH wants nothing to do with me

Divorced as of 12/09

I can't believe I could sleep at all, but from sheer exhaustion I think I got about 6 hours before waking around 4 a.m. with my mind racing.

Luckily, I have a pretty light work schedule today, maybe because its MLK birthday, and will use some of my time to get myself together and make a strategic plan. My first order of business is to talk to my friend's bulldog divorce attorney and get myself lined up with the best legal advice I can find. I
Once I know where I stand legally for sure, I will go forward.

I am also going to probably, unless attorney thinks its not necessary, hire a PI to get pictures of them sneaking around, and to check all sources to find out if H has a paper trail of phone records, credit cards, checks, whatever that further documents their relationship. I want solid proof other than my emails and print outs of their eblaster reports so when I go with exposure, the "boys" (administrators at the university) can't say I don't have enough for them to take any action. You see, I have almost NO faith that work exposure will result in anything being done. Yes, universities have ethics policies and regs on conduct of profs, but having lived in and around this environment for 25 years, I've seen the climate and while I know most of these personnel things are private and I may not know all the fallout, not much change can be seen even when affairs are pretty blatant. Also, the Dean of my H's area is himself married to a 20 year younger former grad student. He left his last university after an affair w/this woman while still married to his first wife. This was of course gossip at the time he was interviewed and hired. I don't know the other higher-ups as well to know their situation, but a couple of them have awfully young wives to be the old codgers they are. My guess is everyone in his office staff and grant staff already know.....its just not "out there" and H and Hot Pants are oblivious and think they are being so sneaky. Must be a real turn on for them.....

I am going to have a hard time doing a Plan A. I need a little more time to decide which way I'm going, but I practically throw up at the thought of talking to him. I am maintaining a neutral demeanor in the last day, but I honestly don't know if its in me to act like I like him. How do people do this when you're talking about someone who has treated you like this and probably has been laughing at you behind your back because you're so easy to fool?

You can phone counsel with Dr. Harley. It may be money well spent. Even if you do not know about your final descision about where you stand about saving your M, he may be able to help you with your current plan of action.

He is very good. I think you are getting good advice here. You seem to be slowing down and thinking about this, that is good.

Good morning, LL. I used to manage only about 3 hours of exhausted sleep in the early days. I can so relate!

I think you're doing very well on the logistical front. I did the same. I have always had a problem expressing the emotional side of me, so it was harder to cope with the constant rush of thoughts and ideas.

Yes to the attorney. Yes to the P.I. Especially if you think things could get ugly between the two of you should it become a matter for the court. My attorney also advised me that if I wanted to pursue an adultery or "alienation of affection" case against my wife, I'd better have incontrovertible proof of her affair. Emails -- unless they are graphically specific -- usually aren't enough. Getting photos of his car and hers parked outside her place, a hotel or similar meeting place are good. Getting photos of them together even better. In 'flagrante delicto' is concrete.

Please make sure that you don't reveal you are snooping. Doing so, even if you accidentally tip your hand, will drive the affair deeper underground. It's better to act baffled, hurt, loving and clueless while you don your deerstalker and hoist your magnifying glass.

Perhaps not. It didn't help when I exposed to OM's work in my case. OM was/is apparently a known philanderer, so his work simply turned a blind eye. However, your husband is engaging in activity that is not only immoral, but unethical. He is boffing a student, which means she is receiving preferential treatment. Exposure at work may not spark a response from the Board of Regents, but it will certainly impact her future in academia, and taint the reputation of all concerned.

Oh, how the mighty fall. What I found in my case was that those I thought would have the greatest impact did nothing (OM's wife, for example), and those who I thought had no influence at all caused the most disruption (OM's landlady). Two months after I exposed, my wife was still furious about my "harassment" of her. That alone was proof to me that my exposure had an effect and was worth it.

For your emotional support, I recommend you do what I did: Come here and vent. "Camp" here if you must; there were days that I would virtually engage in ongoing discussions to keep myself from going insane, or worse, blowing the Plan.

I'm rooting for you, Ladylonglegs. I know you can do this. I know too, that you will survive and be stronger and healthier as a result.

Thanks for being here for morning coffee Fred and Barbicat. Being on this sight in the past day or so has been a life-saver. I have close friends and my sister to talk to, but you can't interfere in their lives 24/7 to listen to your racing thoughts, breakdowns and murderous ideas that pop in your head. You will probably hear stream of consciousness thoughts today as I will likely take this laptop to work and keep it open on my desk as I TRY TO ACTUALLY DO SOME WORK! I don't want to leave this laptop home as it has the eblaster incoming reports on it. However, my H will probably not be using his laptop as he doesn't take it to work. However, MLK Day is a university holiday, so technically, he might work at home today, but then that wouldn't allow him to see Hot Pants......

As I look at this soap opera, I feel lucky that I am in no way dependent on my H for my future security. I can't imagine how much more devastating this would be when you don't know how you will support yourself or weather the division of assets or must fight with a mean-spirited person to get child support.

I lecture frequently to women's leadership groups and business women, as well as college students on women's business issues. I have always talked about the need for women to be in charge of their own finances, to have a "life plan", to know about investing, retirement plans, etc. Now, it all seems so much more real when you find out how what you thought was a good relationship and well-ordered life can be sabotaged without your knowledge for a long period of time. Really shakes your trust in others in general...hopefully, I won't become too jaded in future trust of others.