LLL,

You've really got him worried. The fact that you are still in the house and so is he has thrown him for a loop. He deseperately wants to know what you are plotting. That's why he came right out and asked about your plan. The suspense is killing him. Don't give him any idea what you plan to do. Let him worry..... You are doing great!!

Mindshare

I suggest you quietly close the door to any room you go to.

Reminds me of what I read once about the best punishment you can give a kid who messes up is to send him to bed and tell him that you and your spouse are going to talk about his punishment over night, and let him know what it will be in the morning. The suspense is more painful punishment than the real punishment.

Thanks Pep. It did the job. She never mentioned the possibility of "friends" ever again. It was one of the few things I did right in the first few weeks. (Remember, I wasn't at my best two weeks after hip replacement surgery.)

LLL, you're playing it just about right. Let him stew. Parts 1, 2, & 5 of the list could apply to you. I'm sure you can come up with things to plug into 3 & 4 if you find this appropriate for your sitch.

So now he (WS) has become the origional home stalker. Are you sure he has not noticed your viewing on MB? More than one BS has had infomation here located by WS. That may mean nothing to you, I know.

This is a M building site. There is a reason you came here instead of divorcesrus dotcom.

I think this is an excellent post. As well as MIM

Step One: Positive
Step Two: Threat. Stating boundries is one thing, I would be careful with ultimatums at this point.

Step three: Do you really think this goal is realistic? I do not think you can base your M or D on what OW does or does not do(getting out of profession). Your personal goals can not include the actions of a person outside your M.

Step Four; Not realistic. It would be great to control OW in this manner, but I do not see this happening. Your WH has to initiate/enforce no contact for life. This stance has to come from your WH.

Step 5; I do not know about this type of document.

Why do you not counsel with the Harley's? Your BH's A sounds like a garden variety A at this time. His actions and words seem terrible but rather typical. Many, many people here have saved their M's after A's.

Cover your assets, but nothing you can do really is going to buy/assure trust or control of other people. At least not in the long run.

LadyLongLegs,
He is probably covering his ground but usually they get frantic when they are discovered ..or they try to be careful and for a while and not see each other...either way.. your PI is going to find out soon.
Regarding your R the M. Your H is just like mine, very brainy. I suspect he has a plan to leave you and be with OW. As you said he is a horney old man and once they get the infatuation at that age and being the proud people they are...it is very difficult for them to admit they made a mistake. So they will continue into that mistake no matter what.
Also your H has, like mine, shown a very cold heart in the face of your difficulties with your mother's health and passing. In my case it was a bike accident where my H showed total indifference. He would have been kinder to an animal, I am sure.
These cold-heart instances show a different type of man. A man who has rationalized his choices and feels entitled to them and who is, at the same time, totally driven by the addiction of the A. Which stays for a long while.
In my case the A was secret for 18 months and has been exposed now for 5 months. The exposure did nothing to kill the A. H is as horney for OW as ever. Again, he feels entitled so I think the more people know the more he feels entitled. It is �the 2 of them� and the rest of the world. His coldness and indifference are shocking.
My H too said he hoped we could be friends for the sake of our son. Our son came for the holidays and my H did not even contact him. Imagine how much he cares.
The way our H behaved in the face of our hardship goes beyond the indifference generated by the attraction of the A. It shows that something else, maybe physiological, has kicked in and changed their brain chemistry. It is documented by research that men go thru andropause and that changes their brain chemistry.
I would encourage you to get on with your life.
I am 45 and I hope to be over this in a year...and already feel I am no longer a spring kick. I have no financial security. You are older but you are financially independent and are still at an age where you can have a great life. R takes a long long time. And your H has not mentioned wanting to save the M. So it can be years.
Do you want to spend the next 5 years of your life waiting for you H's brain chemistry to re-adjust?
LadyLong, you are an inspiration because you showed strength and a cool head in the face of misery. So many BS (me included) have to go thru the pain of a plan A and then plan B in the hopes to R the M. It is a choice. But if you feel you are over and done with your H, you do not have to subject yourself to the humiliation of a plan A which leaves you drained right at a time when YOU need to be supported and loved. If you have the strength in you to move to plan D, I commend you.
I am still in love with my H so I went thru a super long plan A (very bad idea�Melody discouraged me but I did not listen) and now I am in plan B and I am applying the MB principles because I hope to R my M in case my H comes back walking on water�but he better do so by October otherwise I will move on.
Again�my case is different�I have no financial security. If I did�I would have been done with him.
blessing

While you decide, it might be good to ask the moderators to change your thread title to something totally generic. (Those of us following along can find you easily.)

You can also ask that they delete or at least edit some of your earlier posts where you gave pretty specific details.

I prayed for you (and other newbies) when the forums went down. It seems like you never skipped a beat. You have shown such tremendous strength that you've inspired many. I suggest you keep asking questions so that you can be sure to have adequate input before you make your decision.

In the meantime, protect your identity.

Best wishes to you,
Ace

P.S. {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{ LLL }}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

How do I ask moderators to change my thread name to more generic title? Do I keep my screen name or change it?

Got to the office early today and had message from PI. He didn't get anything on H yesterday because the SOB hung around the house more than I've seen in recent weeks. However, he's been running checks on Hot Pants and apparently she has been married twice and has previously had another relationship with a married man, another "big man in the community" who's name I recognize and who has stature and money. See a pattern here? Anyway, PI says he could gather more info on this and wife and previous married man are now divorced, so previous wife might be source of info on what transpired. I would doubt my H knows any of that probably sordid story.

I don't get it, she's blond and petite but with a horse face....how does she round up so many men?

Also, after H hung around acting weird, he went back to his study last night and it paid off in eblaster reports of a brief computer conversation between them. She was "dying to know what's happening. I know it's probably hard for you to call me, but I can't imagine what you're going through. Is your wife going crazy on you? Could you possibly get away for a little while to meet? I don't want to take chances because I don't want to be seen as the problem in your marriage...." He responded that he'd better not leave right now...too obvious...but said "I'm having Hot Pants withdrawal....hope to see you soon". Printed this off at office this morning for safe keeping....sure....this sounds like typical prof/student convo. Do we really need pictures too????

bottom right corner of your post frame, there are 6 tabs to choose from ...... choose 'Notify', here you can write the Mods a note.

You can keep your screen name.

Sorry , this is the second time you asked isn't it .....

Ok, they are being careful. They will slip soon. You have a PI so...pictures? Why not!
blessing

Let the P.I. get info on OW. This may help clear the fog in your WH, but don't expect miracles.

I can't believe that you are so ready to dump your "good friend" of 30 years this fast. Slow down and think. You are doing great!

I admire LLL for that. She is ready to dump the fool right away and not put up with the rest. Maybe her feeling for him are gone. This happens to some people. As soon as they find out about the A they feel nothing for the spouse but disgust.
Maybe this is what LLL feels for her H. Is it?
It would be interesting if you would tell us what you feel as so many of us BS still feel love for WS even in the face of the worst possible betrayal.
blessing

"I can't believe that you are so ready to dump your "good friend" of 30 years this fast."

I have read a lot of posts here from start to finish. The amount of time and effort and angst many go through and still result in not reconciling the marriage is striking. I know, some do reconcile happily. However, I think I have every right at age 53 to decide how much time and effort and how many months or years I want to go through this kind of stuff when maybe a clean break would "free" me mentally from the soap opera quality of life I've been subjected to by my H's choices in the last few months and let me rebuild a new, more positive existence. The emotional devastation and stress of the past few months is not something I think is good for me mentally or physically and I have to think hard about prolonging that. I need to put myself above him while I go through this because he's certainly putting himself above me during this.

I'm not burning any bridges as of today, however I reserve the right to decide he's done the unforgivable and yes, both he and I will suffer the consequences if our marriage ends.

I couldn't agree more LLL. The choice is yours to make. My only avice is not to make the decision under emotional duress. It's a major life decision so take you time making it. Nobody here would ever fault you for deciding that you want out.


Mindshare