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#2300859 01/07/10 03:51 PM
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I've t/j'd DKD's thread enough, so thought I'd create my own dating thread.

Me dating. Wow now that is weird.

OH, I read your post to me asking why religion is no longer number one on my list of requirements. I read that and thought, she is right, I'm being foolish and need to break this off. Then he calls me to remind me to make sure my vehicle can handle some frigid temps coming our way. And he tells me that he has offered one of his vehicles on loan to a friend back home who totaled her vehicle with liability only on it. He is interested in my day. He thinks it rocks that I have the gumption to homeschool...He talks about me to every one.

And after a while I can't remember why religion is so important.

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I think you should just slow down SW. No one told you not to date this guy. Just go in eyes wide open. And take it slow.

If you can't take it slow then you should probably step back.

But what do I know? I didn't date a whole lot of different guys before I met H and I've been married for 21 years and have never been through a divorce.

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Originally Posted by OurHouse
I think you should just slow down SW. No one told you not to date this guy. Just go in eyes wide open. And take it slow.

If you can't take it slow then you should probably step back.

We aren't even in the same state at the moment. I dont' even know when I will see him again. And yet...feels fast. The emotions are powerful on both sides.

Stepping back at this point would involve stopping the texting and phone calls...and computer chat.


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OH, I DO want to hear it...I want to hear what you think...WHY no warm fuzzie feelings...

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Originally Posted by SmilingWoman
And yet...feels fast. The emotions are powerful on both sides.

Stepping back at this point would involve stopping the texting and phone calls...and computer chat.

Let's see, you're divorced a month, him about 3 months. You won't like to hear what I have to say either, but I can pretty much promise you that you two are an accident waiting to happen smile. The over-involvement (is that a word?) from both of you comes through very loud and clear. No, it is not healthy for him to be obsessed about every detail of your day and to be telling everyone about it - not at this point. Your apparent willingness to drop the religion incompatibility just because he is attentive to you also speaks volumes.

You two sound like most people fresh from divorce - not whole and not healed. Which is fine - we've all BTDT. But with each of you half-healed, you each feel that the other one will complete you, will fill that void and that broken half, and it feels so good. But in reality, no one can do that for you, not in a healthy relationship. You each need to learn to be 100% OK on your own, and that takes time. Not weeks, not even months, sorry.

If and when you can maintain contact with him and yet be at peace if you don't talk for a day or two or three, and have that continue for many months, then you will have a better feel for where things are. If each of you is unable to stay away from the text and chat like teenagers, then I think you have a big redflag.

I think you know all this, but are unable or unwilling to resist. Which is fine, it's OK to stay in touch. Just be sure to check back in after 6 months of this, and do not rush to anything until then. My guess is that in about 2 months you'll see things pop up that will make you go "hmmmm". To me, he sounds somewhat controlling and possessive, based on what you said so far. I give this about a 3% success probability.

AGG


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SW,

I have read your threads and really admire how strong you were in handling your D. You are clearly a very intelligent woman and don't appear to be a risk taker.

Listen to this newly divorced young lady. Me thinks she is a pretty smart cookie.

Originally Posted by SmilingWoman
I've been divorced for less than a month and I've had a few old (male) friends from my home town contact me....I find that even though I am not ready to date (and I don't want to date outside my faith) that feelings of attraction can come on rapidly. I have been trying to examine this and I'm leaning toward thinking that I've been so badly emotionally neglected for so long (in my marriage) that I am just easily affected by kindness from other men. I'm thinking it would be easy for me to get in too deep waaaaay too fast and with a man that is totally not right for me.

This was posted on Christmas Day which is a little over 2 weeks ago. Such a short amount of time.

You are letting your emotions and the high of getting attention completely steamroll your logical mind. Be very careful here. You are smarter then this.

Mindshare

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Originally Posted by mindshare
SW,

I have read your threads and really admire how strong you were in handling your D. You are clearly a very intelligent woman and don't appear to be a risk taker.

Listen to this newly divorced young lady. Me thinks she is a pretty smart cookie.

Originally Posted by SmilingWoman
I've been divorced for less than a month and I've had a few old (male) friends from my home town contact me....I find that even though I am not ready to date (and I don't want to date outside my faith) that feelings of attraction can come on rapidly. I have been trying to examine this and I'm leaning toward thinking that I've been so badly emotionally neglected for so long (in my marriage) that I am just easily affected by kindness from other men. I'm thinking it would be easy for me to get in too deep waaaaay too fast and with a man that is totally not right for me.

This was posted on Christmas Day which is a little over 2 weeks ago. Such a short amount of time.

You are letting your emotions and the high of getting attention completely steamroll your logical mind. Be very careful here. You are smarter then this.

Mindshare

Ugh. I fear you are correct. Not the best time to try and break this off....with Wxh resuming or at least making public his relationship (gag) with OW and trying to bring ds into it. The attention from this other man feels good.

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Originally Posted by SmilingWoman
The attention from this other man feels good.

I get that! We all get that!! But, you need to think logically here as well. Don't let your emotions take complete control or you are headed for trouble. This guy might be perfect for you (or he might not be). There is no reason you cannot take things slowly. This is not a race between you and WXH to see who can get into a relationship first. Just take your time. Let your logic play a role in your decision making. Think about the young lady that posted on Christmas Day. Re-read her words. You will figure it out.

Mindshare

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Originally Posted by mindshare
Originally Posted by SmilingWoman
The attention from this other man feels good.

I get that! We all get that!! But, you need to think logically here as well. Don't let your emotions take complete control or you are headed for trouble. This guy might be perfect for you (or he might not be). There is no reason you cannot take things slowly. This is not a race between you and WXH to see who can get into a relationship first. Just take your time. Let your logic play a role in your decision making. Think about the young lady that posted on Christmas Day. Re-read her words. You will figure it out.

Mindshare

Yeah, I'm trying to slow down. Not easy.

Very funny thing happened last night....This man, B, was talking to me on the phone and we were both on Facebook...just having fun goofing off. Wxh was his 'Face Book friend' already....before he started showing interest in me. Well, B sees him on line and says hi to him. They knew each other from back home 28-30 years ago. Ran together. WxH is excited to hear from him....and B chats him up...asks him about the divorce...Wxh says 'we just stopped getting a long.' Gag. B asks him he had my phone number! Wxh wouldn't give it to him...told him to send me a FB message and ask me for it. Then Wxh asked B where he was and B says NY....Wxh says, 'I was in NYC around Xmas.' ROTFLOL...remember the lie he told to me about going 'hunting' and canceling his weekend and mid week visitation to do so? Well, OW XH was pretty sure they had gone to NYC together and he was DEAD ON. So hilarious that he spills the beans to the guy I'm seeing.....Well, then B begins to feel bad and outs himself....says, 'hey man, I'm seeing SW and don't want to keep messing with you. I think she is great in every way.'

Wxh tells B that I will 'dump' him because he is on the road too much. Whatever. OW XH says, 'ha! Why didn't you dump him when he was working all hours, and out partying with his friends and neglecting his family.' A joke really...anyway, we had a hilarious time of it all. Similtaneously, I was chatting with 2-3 other friends from back home and telling them what B was doing to Xwh......One thing that all this hometown socializing has done for me....let me really see for the first time that NO ONE likes my XH. They all think he is a piece of carp. Don't know why I never saw that before. He has burned so many bridges and no one really wants to be around him. He has terrible character.

Going home this weekend (ds will be with his dad)...meeting B there and staying with his best friends who still live there. He has sent an email to my brother---letting him know how interested he is in me. Brother confirms that back ground check has been performed via the underground network of small towns. Now brother and B are texting buds...:)

I'm trying to go slow...but it is difficult.

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Sounds a bit too much like high school to me, SW crazy.

AGG


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Originally Posted by AGoodGuy
Sounds a bit too much like high school to me, SW crazy.AGG

Yep. It is hilarious. I know I'm acting 15. But in the most responsible manner possible. wink

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You can lead a horse to water......


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Originally Posted by mindshare
You can lead a horse to water......

In the spirit of contributing to the board for others to learn and grow, I'd like to admit dating this guy and dating so soon was a HUGE mistake. I quickly developed pretty strong feelings for him and HE moved so fast it was scary. He already had us married and settled down raising our children together. He says (and tells EVERYONE btw) that he is in love with me and will do whatever he has to do to have me INCLUDING convert. Brother. What was I thinking. He makes me feel great, he makes me laugh, I enjoy his company, we have a long history of friends and hometown in common. However, the complications of going outside my faith are TOO much and I have broken it off with him.

A few days after I did, a mass was discovered in his young son's chest. So we are back in contact as he works through that and honestly I feel him slipping back into the mode of thinking that he is going to have me. I don't think it will be possible to be his friend--not with much contact anyway. I worry about him, pray for his son and hope his life goes well....but he seems obsessed with me and I feel I will have to break contact totally.

I had no idea how little I had dealt with the end of my marriage. Going mostly dark with my X protected me a lot...and I am getting advice (from here) that I need to stay dark....but it has allowed me to shove it back and not deal with it. When I found out XWH is still seeing OW I came undone. That on top of this man I was seeing has me overwhelmed.

So in conclusion...I would like to say...you were all right and I was wrong. So there. No dating for me. And certainly NEXT round will go at a snails pace.


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And while we are on the subject I would like to know if any of you can tell me WHAT about me brings out the obsessive types. The guy who was Wxh's friend and co-worker who helped me with so much of my inside info while I was gathering evidence of the affair...even before the divorce was final he was so obsessed with me that he too wanted to convert, marry me and take care of me. I told him it would NEVER happen and he still was very persistant.

Then there is the XH himself who at age 16 decided he had to have me and went to great lengths to have me---including conversion and alienating his own family. I am not stupid enough to believe there is something so GREAT about me that inspires this kind of obsession. I now see that it is a PROBLEM with me....and I want to fix it.

Any ideas?

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He already had us married and settled down raising our children together. He says (and tells EVERYONE btw) that he is in love with me and will do whatever he has to do to have me INCLUDING convert.

Wow. Who did THAT remind you of, SW? You attract those determined guys!

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Originally Posted by OurHouse
Quote
He already had us married and settled down raising our children together. He says (and tells EVERYONE btw) that he is in love with me and will do whatever he has to do to have me INCLUDING convert.

Wow. Who did THAT remind you of, SW? You attract those determined guys!

But WHY?


And I guess you are saying this guy reminds you of my XH?

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SW, ask some of your closest friends, preferably some brutally honest ones, if they think you put out a 'damsel in distress' vibe. If there's something about you that says, "Take care of me."

I would also look at whether or not you convey that you are so naive about life outside the church that you are easy pickings for a predatory man; as in assuming that someone who is of your faith must be a noble person simply for their commitment (however shallow it may be) to the church.

I'm not saying that you are any of those things, just some things to think on.

Have you considered narrowing down your choices to only men who are already of your faith?


Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
(Oscar Wilde)
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Perhaps you feel more comfortable dating guys that are obvious about how they feel rather than having to wait and see how things to develop. It might be less scary to you if they seem already invested up front.

I would like to caution you about dating men associated with your xh. It seems like this could be a way to continue to hang on to the xh rather than a way to find someone else that you fit well with.

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I'd say if you've come across three guys with this same obsessive type attraction to you, then yeah...you might want to consider you are putting out some kind of vibe, as CWMI suggested.

I also agree wiht Nomader.

And of course, when in doubt, revert back to rule #1.

DON'T DATE FOR AT LEAST A YEAR FOLLOWING DIVORCE!

Use this time to do some inner reflection and just enjoy some personal growth. You deserve it.

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Originally Posted by canwemakeit
Have you considered narrowing down your choices to only men who are already of your faith?

Oh yes! I have renewed my determination to NOT date any men outside of my faith. I guess if *I* am stronger I won't have to worry about the man outside of my faith that is determined to have me whatever the cost.

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