Yeah, I know she is typical. But this is the second time this year with 2 different men. I exposed immediately this time...but I don't have the energy left to go through another bout of breaking no contact, withdrawal, etc. But then again, I don't want this weasly backstabber to win either....even though his prize isn't exactly what he thinks.

Now she is downplaying the affair. Says it wasn't an affair, that they just talked and that I have forever ruined her reputation by telling everyone and that we can never repair that damage. I'm just taking Melody's advice and enjoying the ride. Never met a person who could lie as well as her. Now it is rewriting history and failing to acknowledge how inappropriate her actions have been.

So what is the PLAN here? To sit back and enjoy her adultery for the next 25 years?

What is the PLAN?

Ark, My H did that. On Dday he admitted his EA was inappropriate and bad and even admitted it was an EA. The day after I did an exposure email and then because I took his pager--- he took it back told me we had big problems, and called me emotionally abusive, blah blah and that its NOT an EA its 'nothing'....

I was stupefied watching him rant and rave, I actually said "have you stopped to think about how you're behaving? and its really 'nothing' but yet look how bad you need the pager to carry on your 'nothing' with this woman??"

The anger in them... its just too uncanny how waywards all respond EXACTLY the same.

Ark,
Listen to melody. Pull yourself together and make a plan. You will not regret it!!!

Well it's hard to make a definitive plan because I'm not sure exactly what I want. Right now, I am doing the same thing as before to try and win her back....again (but preparing for D).

However, I don't want her to be the one who ends the marriage. I would rather have the call.

I'd really like to have my wife back, but I run the full range of emotions of wanting her to hating her to apathetic. Not sure I can trust that she can commit to anything so I'm really quite confused.

I gotcha! Plan "I" for insanity = doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. Plan "H" for hope, which is nothing more than an excuse to continue to do nothing. Hope is not a plan, after all.


Has she PROMISED to commit to anything? What are you confused about SPECIFICALLY?

Trust me I feel that same way. Do I really want her back? She's cheated on me twice this year with 2 different people. She is weak in that she is easily influenced by friends. She has lied to me a thousand times with a straight face. She is the typical wayward (bad mom, bad wife, bad housekeeper, etc). But the events of the last year destroyed a lot of love I had for her - now I see a lot of flaws that I previously overlooked. Do I want to put up with them? Can I trust her again?

Do I want to invest in her?
The answer for me changes. Yes, I want my wife back. I want my family. But I am drained and I don't really know if there is any hope left in convincing her to stay and work on the marriage. And even if there was, the last time she said she was truly committed then she changed her mind.

She admits I am a great person, but she isn't in love with me and for her that is all-important. Exposure and the fallout from it was a big love buster for her and now she is almost sure (probably totally sure) she wants a divorce.

I am confused about whether or not it is in my best interest to keep investing in this woman. The cost is high, but the payoff of having my family is high too.

If you file for divorce, go into Plan B, you will have 2 years to drag it out to see if she turns around. If she doesn't change by then, you are better off being divorced. But what you should NOT DO, is continue with this lifelong PLAN A, which is harming your marriage. You are only enabling her and fueling her sense of entitlement. The best chance you have for your marriage is file for D and go into Plan B. Then drag your feet.

Your current path is the surest way to ruin your marriage because it fuels her entitlement and wears you down.

You CAN'T LOSE by filing for D and going into Plan B.

ok, when will she be leaving then? Will she agree to move out today? Why not tell her you agree and ask her to pack. Then you can file for divorce. Getting her out would be half the battle.

p.s. thats ok if she is mad about exposure. That is a GOOD THING. Almost all infidels threaten divorce and all manner of punishment for interfering with their affair. The angrier they are, the better.

good job!

Ark,
I understand completely about your feelings regarding whether its 'worth it' to save your marriage as my H is on his 3rd EA is 5 years... I'm like 'geez, why would I even try to rescue my M, for what, a lifetime of this pain?'

For me, the deciding factor is that I want to know in the end, that I did everything I could---to save my marriage---so I can sleep at night. Plus, I know without my H addressing his internal issues, we won't make it.

You have come this far, what do you have to lose?

She thinks that she'll automatically get custody because she's the Mom. That's not the case. Some states, such as Georgia, frown heavily on adultery (but probably wouldn't consider an EA "adultery") and will give the father custody because in the eyes of the law, adultery proves the parent unfit.

Talk to a lawyer and find out what your rights truly are. Get your ducks lined up so you've got your best possible chances of getting custody.

Also find out if the threats of legal action against you carry any weight - and how to protect yourself. There have been men on here whose WW called the cops, said the BH was endangering her, had him hauled off, slapped a restraining order on him, and moved the OM into the marital home. It's insanity. So consult with a lawyer and find out how to protect yourself!

Be glad she's so angry about exposure. Means it worked.

I think a pitch black Plan B is in order. You're clearly running out of steam and she thinks she can do so much better...unless you're omitting some pretty big chunks of info, you're better than anything she's going to find "out there" in the world. Let her learn that the hard way and when she's ready to reconcile, maybe you'll want to and maybe you won't. Either way Plan B will protect your heart from her cruelty and search for the perfect infatuation.

Where's PSUBIKER at when we need him?....

In Oklahoma, adultery is only a concern if it affects the welfare of the children. So my lawyer had me document everything. Affair #1 was with an alcoholic (confirmed by the OMW). Plus, as with all waywards, she was extremely neglectful and dishonest, which is all documented. Now affair #2 following a well-documented Plan A will only show her selfishness. I really don't want a nasty court battle but I will do well if I choose to.

I'm clear Plan A won't work anymore. I had wanted her to be the one to file just so she would have to deal with the guilt of walking out, but she clearly is not going to do that. I have been prepping for Plan B/D, but I must admit, it is hard mustering the courage to go through with it. But the life I have now sucks, so what do I have to lose.

arkhawk, it's my belief that waywards almost NEVER want to be the one to file. Doing so invalidates their justification and only adds to the underlying guilt they all have but choose to ignore.

Thus, they wait for the betrayed spouse to file, so that they can then say, "Look, my ex divorced me, now I am justified in my actions after all."

When The Leopard was moving out and spewing all sorts of nonsense about lawyers and such, I asked her if she wanted to file when the time came. No, she replied, I could have that pleasure...

Which means I can delay as long as I want, and see how OM reacts when HIS divorce is "supposed" to happen...

Ark--trust me--She is not who you married, you don't want to be around her anymore like this.

You need to planB. You are devastated and it's time heal. You going to feel so much better when she is out of the house. Its hard to imagine but I tell you the truth. I had been shaking and quivering while doing planA, real PTSD signs! Now, I can rest easy as its a planB -thanks to melody Lane's assistance-a really dark one.

You need:
1. an intermediary ( a neutral person to relay CRITICAL messages only, since you have kids-check my thread "Third time a charm?' for MelodyLane's Intermediary info),

2.you need to write a planB letter and

3. you need to planB her and separate, at the very least, if you decide later to do PlanD, then you can do that when the time comes.

Get working on this stuff. Do it for your sanity, do it for your kids, do it for the love you have left for her. Do it to re-install respect in yourself. Do it.

Does Plan B ever work to reconcile a marriage?

Yes it does, quite often. Often, it pulls a cake eating WS off the fence. But even if it doesn't work, you are in a better position mentally to divorce her because you will be emotionally detached.

Plan B is a last ditch effort and works in less than 5% of the case. Dr H freely admits this, but if it works at all, it could still be worth the effort.

It's success or failure is ultimately linked to a stellar Plan A.
Part of Plan A is exposing the A in an effort to kill it. If that doesn't work and you cannot break through the fog and negotiate an end of the A, then Plan B/D is all that you have left in the arsenal.

I do wish you well in whatever you decide.

All Blessings,
Jerry