My husband and I have known one another since we were 12 years old. We have been together for 8 years and married for 6. We have 3 little boys (age 8, 5, and 2). Last May, we were on very rocky ground and decided to seperate. Well, I'm not even going to try to justify my actions. I ended up engaging in an emotional affair with another man. There was nothing physical that happened. We merely talked, but because that was what was lacking from my marriage, it was horribly wrong. My husband and I debated back and fourth on whether to persue our marriage or just give up. Eventually, the decision was to meet with a pastor and work out our issues.
Things were up and down. He felt very betrayed (and I understand that) by what I did and had a very hard time accepting that I would not do it again (the other man did persue me for a few months). I did all that I could to prove to him that I was fully commited to him and our marriage. I thought things were going well.
Last November, some things happened at work that hit my husband very personally. He started to withdraw from me. I noticed, but figured that he just needed space to get his head around the death of his collegues. I tried to be the supportive wife, but he refused to talk to me and withdrew furhter into his shell. Christmas Eve he told me he was leaving me. He said he couldn't pretend anymore and that I had hurt him too much. He had nothing left to give. December 30th I found the text messages to her. I called the other women and found out she was some girl from work. She said they were just friends and that she was helping my husband in ways I couldn't. That she "understood him". He swore she was just a friend.
My husband has fully moved out of my house and has started the divorce proceedings. My children and myself (as well as all those close to us) are in utter shock. This is blindsiding me. He says that the wounds I inflicted are too severe and he doesn't love me anymore. He said he cut off things with the other women because she wanted a relationship and he didn't. My husband is so lost. He doesn't think that what he is doing is the same as what I did. He thinks that he is justified and he is happier now then with me. He doesn't have the stresses that come with having 3 kids to deal with daily now or the responsibilities of a household and wife. He is living in denial. My biggest fear is that he is going to go through with it and I am going to lose the man I love and the father of my children.
Does anyone have advice? I have been told to ignore him and allow him to hit his own rock bottom. My fear is that he won't hit it until after he fully divorces me. God keeps telling me to "be still" , but I am human and I struggle. I'm at the end of myself and don't know where to go from here. Please, help me. Pray for me. Anything is appreciated. Thank you.

It is entirely possible that he is still in an active affair.


Waywards lie. Other women lie.

What precisely did it say?

I have not actually read the text messages. He started keeping his phone in his pocket at all times (that should have been a red flag, he never used to do that). What I have been able to do is go to my phone bill and see the data usage. He talked to her from 10am til 2am almost daily with only 2 min between messages. When he was working. He used to tell me not to call or text too much cause it distracted him at work. I honestly don't think this is a PA, I have prayed hard about that and have been reassured that, at least at this time, it is only an EA. It still is so painful though. I am desperate to try to get him to see what he is giving up. But, he's adamant. He's been saying he's going to file now for about 3 weeks and hasn't, so I'm hoping that's a good sign. It's so painful. I feel like I've tried everything to win him back.
I should clarify that my husband has had EA's before. About 3 times and we have recovered from it. Our marriage has always been rocky, but we have come so far. He's always been someone that relates well to women and has always (before we were married) had close friendships with women that never were anything else. Not that I am trying to justify his behavior. I'm not.

You need to expose this A to their workplace...ask them what their policy is on workplace-related adultery. They will often not tolerate it because of sexual harrassment issues.

Do you still have access to cell phone records? Can you prove that they are still in C?

Also...if he is not living at home, it most surely has become a PA, I am sorry to say. I have never seen an A where one spouse moves out that did NOT become physical. I am not trying to be cruel but the sooner you accept this, the sooner you can do what needs to be done.

Massive exposure is your first step ~ it will end the A. My FWH's affair ended the day I did nuclear exposure.

Actually, it's kinda more complex than that. We live 2.5hrs from my husband's job and during the 4 days he works, he lives in our motorhome at my aunt's house (which is why I know that he is home every night on time and alone). So, he sorta was "moved out" before he decided to move out.
My husband is a cop and this girl is a record's person. I have exposed it already. I am friends with wives of other officers and they have gone to my husband (and this OW) and confronted them on it. My husband got livid saying I was going to screw up his job. I read the book "When Love Get's Tough" and that was advice it gave also.
Also, the OW's ex is a cop and he found out about this too and went to people also. So, I feel they have been exposed.
I was involved in an EA last year that did not result in a PA, so isn't it quite possible that it was caught in time before resulting in a full out A? I know I may sound naiive and way too hopeful, but that's all I have to go on.
I greatly appreciate your help. What do you suggest as the next step? He is angry at me and blames it all on me. He gets mean when he calls and texts and acts like he is completely justified and that I am the one screwing up. I want to win him back, but when I am nice, he says I am deceiving myself and he is not coming back. He doesn't listen to any positive advice and seeks out only people that support him in his decision to divorce me.
He hasn't filed....is that a positive at all?
He also hasn't shut me out of the bank account. I have total access to the paycheck (I am a stay at home mom).
He did shut me out of the cell phone account though. Not a good sign, I know. This is all so new and uncharted territory for me. I don't know which way is up.

bri: It's very likely the A is physical. Sorry, but that's probably the reality. It's not the end of the world but accepting that reality is going to make the hurt worse. But it will also allow you to focus on what's required to survive this.

If you haven't already, start reading the articles here: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html. These are the basis of the affair survival techniques used by others on these boards. There are concepts in there you need to familiarize yourself with so that you can ask the right questions.

Hang in there. This is a very, very difficult path to trod.

My question mainly is, how do I recover when we are still married and I am trying to fight desperately for the marriage that he allegedly no longer wants? We were working through my unfaithfulness and things were going great. So, how do I accept and recover when I am still in the midst of it all? Have any of you had to "win" back the WS from the OW? I would love to hear how and suggestions to that nature. I have read the articles in the link above and found none of them to answer this question. Thank you all for your help. I don't view any of you as cruel or ill-intentioned.

Can the marriage be saved?

Maybe.

Get the book Surviving An Affair and study it over and over and over again.

Meanwhile, while you are waiting for the book (if you order it online), be the best wife you can be. Avoid any lovebusters which are Angry Outbursts, Demands or Disrespectful Judgements towards your interactions with him.

Though he is being cold.....be the sweetest, dearest, most appealing wife you can be and take any oppurtunity to do nice things for him.

Well, it is more complex and the Concepts at the top of this page and in the book will flesh them out for you.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5059_qa.html



You follow the plan and keep following it and eventually, with goobs and goobs of time.....you will see if your marriage can prevail or if not.

You will have done your best though and will not have regrets.

Does all this apply if he has already moved out and considers us to be "already divorced?"

You stop listening to what he says and watch his actions. If he hasn't filed for D, then you don't talk or worry about it until it happens. Read Surviving An Affair. I guess you have to decide if you WANT to recover and go from there.

"win" back is an interesting term. You "win" him back, by LEARNING about A, what drove them and what keeps them alive. You Plan A him and meet any and all emotional needs that he will allow you to meet and if and when the time comes that you need to go into Plan B, you go so dark and leave him with the memories of what could be like if and when he chooses to recover your marriage.

YOU become the BETTER option. You become the woman that G-d always envisioned for you and let G-d take care of the rest.

user "reading" and "QueeniesAdventures" thank you for the advice. Both of you help me with my heartbrake.

Have you exposed to your families and the children? If not, do so ASAP. You should also meet with an attorney to understand your rights if nothing else. Being informed can't hurt and it might be a rude awakening for WH to see what support and custody will cost him.

Like others, I would guess the A is a PA and the A has gone on longer than you know. Sorry.

I would plan A him and at the same time let your lawyer completely take him to the cleaners. Make divorce as unattractive option as possible and yourself as attractive an option as possible. When he gets pissed at you, you deflect the divorce talk by saying, "I only talk marriage, I let my lawyer handle all the divorce stuff. Have your lawyer contact my lawyer for any discussion on that matter." Hold firm and do not engage him in any divorce discussion. Plan A him for a few (2-3) months, then find an intermediary and go to plan B.

Look back and think what your WH's important ENs were. I would work on trying to meet them. However, I would be careful about sex because he's probably having a PA with this OW. The problem in your marriage was most likely that he wasn't around enough to spend enough quality time meeting each other's needs. His job and the travel will need to be addressed if you eventually do save this marriage.

So the police came to your house and served you with divorce papers?

Does all this apply if he has already moved out and considers us to be "already divorced?"

Rule number ONE - Don't listen, care about what they say or think.

He isn't your H as you know him. He has been replaced by a monster who is out to get his fix of happiness.

You aren't D until the papers are signed, t's crossed and i's dotted.

Yes, this all applies. If you want to save your M, the basics are still the same. Get Surviving An Affair, learn about A, learn what happens, what drives them, how to fight them.

Buckle down for a war. Battles will be WON and LOST. Build a strategy to what you are trying to create. You are the loving wife who wants to make this the most incredible new marriage possible and work on becoming that person. Fix all the things in you that need to be fixed. Plan A, be willing to Plan B if necessary and trust G-d.

And, yes it does even apply if he is moved out and acting like divorced.

You don't love bust when you interact at any time (via phone, in person). Write short sweet letters to send him. (the book states that phone and letters are a good way to meet plan A with a reluctant wayward).

You improve those things that you got sloppy about over time. Your physical self or social self or intellectual self (in my case all three!!!!) You better yourself for whatever the future brings.

You don't talk divorce but you respond via lawyers (leisurely but legally in the framework) if he ever does file.

Listen to everyone here. They won't steer you wrong. Go out and get yourself a new haircut and color and go to the gym and get some new clothes. This will make yourself feel better. You will also look good and H will notice and plan A him to death for a few months. Keep coming here for support because you will get all the support that we can give. Also, if you believe in God, pray. Praying helps a lot, at least it did for me and I am still praying because I still have a long way to go.

Still hoping and praying.

Thank you all so so much! I am going to read up on Plan A and Surviving an Affair. I am determined to do all that I can to salvage my M. Even if WH thinks we are through! I think the OW may be losing her appeal. The honeymoon phase seems to be ending. I do believe in God and pray continuously. I will keep you all posted! Again, thank you thank you for being such a great source of encouragement!

"So the police came to your house and served you with divorce papers?"

No, Gack1, the police haven't served me. My WH is just waiting to file still. He has started the proceedings by just filling out the paperwork and threatening to file. I'm afraid he's waiting for money to be able to file.

I've been implementing Plan B fully since yesterday. I am worried that it is just driving him further to the OW. He claims he cut it off, but today her MySpace (I know lame to check) status went from "confused" to "hopeful". I'm worried that he just can't avoid her and until she is fully out of the picture, he won't notice that I'm missing.

He gets angry easily, and I'm worried he'll take me ignoring him as I'm done with him rather than I want him to come home. I'm sick over all this. Literally.