I asked whether we could get together to practice our parts (for band) and purely intended only to improve my playing (the innuendos are almost impossible to avoid). He took it as an invite to send me jokes and text me a couple of times daily - I laughed and was flattered. Didn't think. It went from there.

So I guess I very naively and innocently started it and then foolishly and selfishly didn't stop it.

However, many say I was pursued and he has form for it.

So was I an aggressor or not? We both were

I am still not really sure. I think that ttfwife may have pursued the relationship more than she has led me to believe. I know that she originated the bulk of the texts, and phone calls. At the very least, she knew what she was getting into, and made no real effort to stop it. She is not naive enough to not have realized where the "innocent chat", and flirting would lead. She knew what she was doing. She just didn't care about the ramifications.

Tabby..."He stole my memories of my son's childhood from me and I'll never be able to get it back. Even if he were to tell me the truth now I wouldn't believe him since he's lied so much."

I feel the same way. Anytime I think of the past with my kids, my H pops into the pic; was he cheating then, lying? I didn't think so but I really don't know up from down now. All our family pics make me want to vomit now.

Flick said it was 50/50. One would make a move, the other would reciprocate and then increase the whatever you'd call it.

He believes an A is very much tit-for-tat. If someone at any stage says 'stop', the relationship falters.

I think that WS was the aggressor in the initial ONS but OW was the aggressor when seeking a continuance and development ibto an EA.

But actually I don't know for sure because I don't believe a word WS says to me.

In my case, the OM made the first approach. But after that it was my FWW pursuing him most of the time. Seems like OM wasn't that interested in her but she kept throwing herself at him. It is obvious from the messages she sent him that she was the one pretty much begging him. There were a lot of "I promess that this is last time I bother you [...] But I can't stop thinking about you", "I haven't heard from you in a while - do you want this as much as me?" Makes me sick.

When we were discussing the details of the A as part of our R plan, FWW got upset when I asked her if she was the one pursuing OM most of the time. She answered yes in an angry tone. Seems like she resents having being the "aggressor". I think that she was hurt that OM didn't corresponded her as much as she wanted.

In a sense, it's better that OM didn't really want her since that made it easier for the A to break once exposed. OTOH, my FWW was the one with the addiction so her path to R is a long one.

--ElCamino72

Agressor or receptor= equally guilty, equally to blame.

Takes two no matter how you look at it.

All Blessings,
Jerry

I don't have all the details of what went down yet. Based on he few times WH has answered my questions he's the aggressor. I suspect though that sometimes he has lied about it to protect OW. Because according to him she's a "nice person".

Yeah, because nice people make whoopee with married people and ruin their marriages.

Yes your H is protecting her, waywards do that.

I feel this way too. Today I was looking at the picures we have up and as I looked at each one I thought about the fact that he was lying and having an A.

One thing on my list would be to get new family pictures. I'm sick to my stomach just thinking about it.

RedsWife, when I confronted my H about the A, the first thing that came out of his mouth was: "She doesn't want to ruin her reputation." Then whenever anyone asked him about it after exposure, he lied, lied, lied.

His NC letter to her was entirely inappropriate... he wished her all the best in her studies, he 'knew' she was a good person, yadda yadda... I refused to stand for it.

Now though with the protection plan we came up with last week, he wrote down that he would tell the truth to anyone that asks. He has also told me he now knows she wasn't a good person after all.

Hoping that WS's who were the aggressors will post here... I'd love to know what you were thinking.

Yes you are all correct in that it takes two to have an affair.......

My h was just as guilty as the FOW. It is not like she forced him at gun point to go to her house and get naked and get in her bed.

I do think however that women like her (single women that seek out married men) are filthy disgusting human beings.

I know for me this was a big issue because my h would not say anything bad about the FOW but then i got to thinking about it and i am sure that he feels bad enough about what he did and then to think that he was "duped" by someone on top of it is maybe more than he can admit, i dunno this one is definitely something that bothered me as well.

I'm sorry but this topic made me laugh out loud. My first thought was, "Who cares?"

I guess that I am in the minority but I never held any animosity toward the OW. She had made no vows with me, shared no memories with me and had never promised to grow old with me. I feel certain that she is at the least morally a lowlife since she had no problem sleeping with another woman's H but I really don't care if she stripped naked and waited in the back of his van with champaign every day. I never even asked About those things. Curious, huh?

God's Blessings,

Say

This is very powerful thinking. It places the blame where it should be, and does not allow you to obsess on the OW.

Sometimes I feel people here can get caught up in "what she (OW)thinks, what OW says and what OW does".

It is useless. There are two people in the M. No room for a third. IMHO

I've thought about this alot while reading all the posts here, and I agree that it does take two to tango. The one thing I always go back to is, that for so many of us, the OP in our situations are often WS as well. How would their spouse characterize ours? Aggressor or helpless victim? It might make us feel a little better if we can demonize the OP as the aggressor and make our spouses into a victim of sorts, but doesn't that make our spouses into mindless idiots?

I know how smart GO is, and I know he didn't get into an A blindly. He enjoyed the rush and the attention that she lavished on him.

BUT, I must say that I knew the OW for a couple of years before anything happened between GO and her. I never liked her and thought she was self-centered and empty-headed. My BF and I actually used the word dangerous to describe the OW before I knew about the A. Goes to show, instincts can be right on.

For me it is not so much blame shifting or obsessing about the OP but more i guess my willingness to forgive.

Since my H was not the "aggressor" i can not say for absolute sure but i think that if he were the "aggressor" i might not have been able to except him back.

Like i said since that was not the case i don't know because i also said if he ever had an affair i was gone.......

For my sitch anyway my H was not an OM as the FOW was single so i can not say but i am sure if it were the case the OPs spouse would say the same of our spouses.

Hmm...

My FWW did tell me that OM kissed her first. So that suggests that the OM was the initial aggressor. However, I know my FWW, and I know how far she'll go when she wants something, and frankly I would not be surprised if she was the agressor in her own plausibly-deniable way after that first "kiss".

I would love to be able to replace my family pictures. How does one do this when one's child is now an adult? I have current family photos but they can't replace those of my son as a little boy.