I was cheated on by my wife' we' are divorced and I do not know why my sister is still friends with her. i feel that is wrong and maybe I old fashiond? Excuse speling english not first lang. Do mostt familys stay loyal to the adulterer? this so painful to be hurt by two women.

vandyke

Have you asked her?

yes. tahnk you for repply.
she says two sides every story and likes exwife. on other hand sister says cares abowt me more than world. she says she would not cheat her husband evvvver since wrong. she knows its wrong and i feel like sister go against her own value and family value to keeping friends with my cheater. please tell me if i am the one to should compromise my value. excuse language and tanks for trying read my awful spelling. feel like hurt first by wife and 2 by sister.

Vandyke,

No problem w/the spelling...we know what you are saying...good effort w/the english!

I am not sure you should try to control your sister..you told her what you thought, now it seems you have to leave it alone.

yes-- i agree not to control. good advise. i'm confused by sister family could stay loyal to a person who crushed brother. i'm just wonder if normal for a family member to do this. seem me to be cruel. i thought had xcelllent relationship with sister and never had abuses with the wife of mine. never would i to do that to sister of mine because she of course my sister and invites it does hurtness and conflict. why sister not respect love me?

50vandyke, it is not that she doesn't love you, it is that she is enamored with the notion of moral neutrality. I am sure she is a very nice person, but likely not a deep thinker so she can't see the harm in ignoring the cruel, evil acts of a liar and a cheater. There might be 2 sides to a "story" but there is one side to the truth.

It is much easier in life to never take a position on anything and in order to do that, one has to remain neutral.

Some of my family has also befriended my XH, who also lied and cheated on me, stole thousands and even brought his filthy skank to my own son's funeral. They are not mean people, just not thinkers.

Did you tell your sister how her keeping in touch with your ex makes you feel?

When I divorced my xWH, my brother called him for a job referral for a friend. The divorce was very fresh and it hurt me. I told my brother that I didn't like him talking to x, so he stopped. I agree with ML that people sometimes want to show their neutrality. My mum thought that I should remain friends with my x after he left me- sounds socially correct, but when I explained to her that that would not be possible (we don't have kids), she understood perfectly.

Your sister can help you to heal by not talking to her, if it hurts you. You should tell her so.

I agree that this isn't an act to intentionally hurt you, and I can see how your sister would underestimate how this could hurt you. I see it as your responsiblity to set boundaries with your sister just as you would anyone else on this planet. I don't think it out of the question for you to tell your sister that she needs to break off communication with your ex or break off communication with you....if you feel that strongly about it. You cannot control your sister, but you can control who you chose to talk to and be around for your own well-being. It's not a punishment, it's just protecting yourself from being hurt, and you can presented it to your sister as such.

I would try not to personalize this because your sister probably doesn't mean it as a personal affront to you. You need to separate you and your XW's relationship from your sister and her relationship. When your sister sees your XW it isn't about you, it's about your XW. You have the right to decide what is right for you and your sister has the right to decide what is right for her. I don't see it as her "choosing" her over you, I'm sorry you feel that way because that would feel hurtful.

As time goes by and you heal inside, it will be easier to accept other people's choices without so much emotional response. I'd encourage you to focus on finding what makes you happy and work on that...building a good life for ourselves helps us to leave the past behind. I wish you the best!

50, "healing" does not mean that you accept injustice and immorality.

For example, I am emotionally "healed" from the injustice of my XH's despicable actions, but that does not mean I will ever condone his evil or accept such a person as a "friend." That is not "growth" but a sign of moral neutrality, which is a serious character defect.

The day you DON'T have an emotional reaction to gross injustice is the day you know your conscience and intelligence have been muted, not a good thing for sure. Moral neutrality is NOT a virtue.

I had the same issue with my first ex husband. My brothers still talked to hima dn hung out with him. This bothered me because they knew he beat me and he cheated on me. I asked my older younger brother one day why and he said because he was still like a brother. It made him angry he had hurt me but at the same time he would always be family. Then the same thing happened with ex number 2. My younger brother refused anything to do with ex number two, but my older younger brother did. They still talk to this day. And ex number two almost killed me twice. I think some people can just step outside of the box, which is what I myself have done. I have children with both ex's - two with x#1 and one with x#2. x#1 and I talk on the phone almost daily for the past year. He will call to check up on me or if he has had a bad day. There are no "feelings" there but friendship. x#2 was a bit harder for me because it was all so recent. I am actually going down today to dismiss the assault charges today. Its been almosta year and no altercation so I feel the divorce has helped the violent aspect and we can begin becoming friends for our son's sake. Its hard because you see these people and how they did not care about you or your feelings, but the truth is there was somethign significant in the both of you and as you heal you will find it comforting to know the bond was at least strong enough to support a friendship. But everyone is different. Not too many exs BBq on the weekends. In fact some people would say it is weird I actually go shopping and hang out with the girl x#1 left me for and his now married to....but that occured 6 years ago....