Lisa welcome to MB. Sorry you have to find yourself here.

I agree with the pp that said don't let fear dictate what you do in attempts to recover your M. I have truly learned that it takes guts to recover a M.

As far as your WH saying he is strong enough to keep it professional with OW. My WH said a similar thing in regards to his working in a church ministry with OW. Two years later I discovered that neither were able to maintain the agreement of NC outside of church for longer than two weeks.

As far as the OWH being abusive. I've only been here a couple months and have heard that story a few times now.

NC must be established before recovery can begin. I'd expose to WH boss first thing Monday morning, even at the risk of losing income until he finds another job. I'm sure WH knew that would be a consequence of having an A with his subordinate.

In the meantime snoop to find out OWH contact info and expose to him. I wouldn't be surprised if be was the total opposite of being an abusive H.

I am still scared about risking my WH job and life. All of my family is so against me exposing him at his job, they think that that would be stupid as far as even child support is concerned. Although I feel really concerned about the fallout, obviously him still working with her does not feel right with me, that is what I am dealing with. If there is any one out there with any other advice but full exposure to the job, please help!!

Full exposure is all that will work.

Wishing and hoping will do you no good. Everyone will tell you that full exposure is the only thing that will work.

You are plugging your ears and hoping that going LA LA LA will make the affair go away.

IT WILL NOT.

EXPOSE. NOW!

You should just file for divorce because you are done. There will not be any recovery as long as they continue to see each other at work. That is about like expecting an alcoholic to sober up by changing the name of his drinks to �business drinks.� That is cute and clever but it won�t ever result in sobriety. What your future holds is a death of a thousand cuts where the affair gets more and more entrenched and possibly results in the OW getting pregnant. This is exactly how a short affair turns into a long term affair.

Lisa, he needs to leave the job ASAP. He needs to get something else lined up and get out of there. He will get fired anyway when they find out what an absolutely irresponsible, unfit BOSS he is. He is not fit to be in a position of authority and has left his own company is extreme legal jeopardy by abusing his authority with his female subordinates. In my company, we fire ppl like that on the spot and escort them off the premises by an ARMED security guard.

Has this been exposed to the OW�s husband? Does he know what your husband and sleazy wife have done to him behind his back?

I know you are scared but you can NOT let the fear rule you. If you expecting to get any GOOD advice on here without us telling you NOT to expose, than you will be waiting a really LONG time(LIKE FOREVER).

As far as your friends and family not wanting you to expose, how many of them have years of experience helping people recover from infidelity? Dr Harley has MANY years of experience and he says that the first step to RECOVERY is to END the affair. As a BS, your strongest weapon is EXPOSURE. Your WH is using his weapons against YOU. His weapon right now is DECEIT. If you expose, then his weapon is useless. He cannot deceive people if you have already told him the truth. And you will never know where your allies will come from as far as who will be the soldiers with you in your attempt to defeat his affair.

Affairs are different? how so? I have been here for 9 years and have read THOUSANDS of stories and the only thing different are the names and places and hair color. Otherwise they are all the same. How do you imagine they are different?

Listen to ML--as per her register date, she's been here long enough to really know.

Go over and read up in the Pregnancy forum about the women whose husbands continued to see their OW and got them pregnant. They are now dealing with what is called an "other child." That is what you risk if you tolerate a continuation of this affair. And yes, it is a continuation. They are just calling it "business drinks" now.

Your H is what we call a "LOOSE CANNON" in corporate America. He is a lawsuit waiting to happen. Any boss that trolls his subordinates for sex is unfit and a danger to the company.

Hi Lisa. I was afraid you would not be up to the hard work of saving your marriage.

You asking for someone, anyone, to tell you what you want to hear instead of what you need to know.

1. Your family hasn't a clue. When did they become experts>
2. Did you read the material I asked you to read? The answer is there.
3. Your husband has done something terrible from the point of view of any company with a brain. He will be fired anyway. It is just a matter of time. HE CAN RUN BUT HE CANNOT HIDE.
4. Since you won't read what is here or listen to what is said, then I have only one suggestion: Get ready for the divorce.

Sorry

Larry

Larry I get what u are saying, but you are being a bit harsh. I will feel really guilty once my husband loses his job and we are forced into forclosure on our house. There are so many expenses like daycare and car notes, that we just can't afford on my salary alone. Also as you well no there are very few jobs out here. My husband says he is working on finding a new job ASAP, but this could take a year or more. Also how will they find the time to be together, when I am now watching like a hawk (I have cell phone bills, email passwords and he has the kids when I am at work). I even told my WS that I will hire a private investigator if I even smell a rat. Please let me know if this makes any sense or if I am a complete fool! I can handle the truth. Also when my husband does lose his job then what? Where do we go from there? Please I need real world solutions as far as finances and also living with his anger at me for causing him to lose his job.

Lisa, I would make sure that your H is diligently looking for another job. But you should expect and prepare for the fact that the affair has not ended. There are many, many ways to skin that cat. They can run out for nooners, have sex in the parking garage, have sex in the broom closet, send love notes via work email. They have opportunities all day long. And you will never know.

Your H is the alcoholic who goes in the bar every day and has drinks. You just need to accept this is the reality and get him out of there as soon as humanly possible.

p.s. and more importantly, this affair needs to be exposed to the OWH NOW if that has not been done. He has a right to know your H and his skanky wife are doing to him and his children so he can protect himself. He needs to know NOW.

No Lisa, I wasn't being harsh. I was being real.

See, I expect that work will find out anyway. You cannot hide that kinda stuff at work. It is well within the realm of serious possibility that the other woman has just been working to set your husband up, so she can file a sexual harassment suit against the company. "Boo hoo, he made me do it and I have kids and. . ."

How about this one. Your hubby dumps her. She tells all to husband in a fit of remorse and HE calls the company and sues. Want some more scenes? I can come up with at least three more where your WH will NOT have a job in the very near future. He was playing with dynamite and a complete jacka@@. She WORKS for him. Sheesh.

His only hope is to get his sorry self out of there, like right NOW! Doesn't that make sense if you think about it?
After all what is it going to do for your husband when he looks for work with FIRED for adultery at work whispered. He is dead meat.

He needs to find a job anywhere he can, immediately, even if it is greeter at WalMart. His pride means nothing, he already flushed his pride down the toilet when he did the deed with a direct report. Now he has to do what is right.

Leave us keep talking Lisa. We are all here for you.

Larry

Well Lisa, Larry is a tell it like it is kinda person. He will help you if you will help yourself. If you aren't going to do anything about it then you will just watch your M dissolve and you can come back in a year and tell us all how we were right and you should have listened in the first place.

Does this guarantee that your M will R? Nope, but this is your BEST chance and may well be your ONLY chance to RECOVER YOUR MARRIAGE. That is what you want right? If it isn't, there are people who can tell you what to do for that as well.

EXPOSE EXPOSE EXPOSE.

I think the best advice for you right now is to EXPOSE.

Long ago, in another life, I was married to a lady who worked for a very large retail thing. She worked in their headquarters. The place was eat up with affairs. You could see the cars and vans rocking at lunch. I have actually gone there and watched from one of the upstairs windows to get a laugh.

One lawsuit later, there is a company guard whose job it is to bust anyone he can find in the parking lot. If caught, the participants get fired on the spot, no recourse. If found out by any other means, fired on the spot. If a spouse complains, automatic suspension and immediate intensive investigation. Any shred of evidence, they get fired on the spot.

Ok, the lawsuit: $8 million dollars in the settlement, so I have heard. The direct report was female and was divorced because of all of it. Three kids. It was a zoo. Oh, and oddly enough, after the settlement, the direct report remarried her old husband.

I heard all about it from a female friend of my then wife, who was involved with another of the married executives. She was told to bail by someone she respected because all heck was about to bust loose. And it did. No point in the details.

Just saying. . .

Larry

This A is not over, Lisa. Please do not fool yourself.

A BIG mistake of the BS is to believe anything that comes out of a wayward's mouth. Even if you believe the A is "over", when there has been recent contact with OW, you better get used to the concept that your H will be lying to you. And his story about discussing work roles is a LIE. I am 100% sure of that.

My H had a workplace EA and he will be the first person to tell you continued contact at work means the A won't end. Oh and the abusive husband part? That's what his OW said too. Apparently this is a common tactic used by the OW.

Every time my H went to work, I would be anxious and nervous all day. Was he talking to OW? Were they flirting? Were they alone? (Later I found out the answer was yes to all of the above) It brought out the worst parts of me... I only did that for about a month when I couldn't take it anymore. He knew I was serious and he left his job. How long do you think you can live like this?

Are you going to tell OW's H? I would start there. He needs to know ASAP.

ps~It has already been posted to you but it is worth restating: If your H loses his job it is because he decided to have a workplace affair, not because of exposure. Just remember that.

There are some things you're going to have to come to terms with, Lisa. First of all, your WH is a LIAR. All waywards lie.
They have to be liars in order to conduct an A in the first place. Second, your WH is an ADDICT. He is addicted to the feelings that come by being with the OW. Addicts usually need intervention to end their addiction. That intervention is the third thing you'll need to accept: NO CONTACT FOR LIFE between the adulterers. Your H has indicated by his actions/inaction that he intends to remain in contact with his AP. In order to achieve NC, EXPOSURE will have to occur. This needs to happen swiftly and explosively. Read more about it on this site.

You have nothing to feel guilty about by exposing this festering mess. Nothing. Your H had NO business screwing around with an employee at work - he was suposed to be there earning a living! And now HE has jeopardized that, not you!

So expose. If he loses his job he can watch the kids while you work and he looks for work. Sell one of the cars. Sell your house and look for a smaller one. What is more important - saving your M or keeping your house? What's more important - letting him stay there and continuing the A and eventually divorcing you, or saving your M? Where are your priorities? If he leaves you you'll have to sell the house anyway, correct?

BTW - welcome. Sorry you're here, but you're at the right place. We can help you.

Lisa, I just bumped my original post on exposure for you. Please read it.

Also note - a sexual harrassment charge is a very real possibility here. And I'm not just talking about the OW getting pissed about the end of the A. I'm talking about the other employees in your H's company who are aware of the A and may be ready to file suit against him/his company even now. And don't kid yourself by thinking that no one knows. Oh, they know, alright.

Exposure may prevent a lawsuit against your H and his company.

Having to remain in this state of limbo is totally unacceptable for you, and is abuse by your H. No, there is no other way. NC is the only way. You may be initially uncomfortable with the thought of exposure, but that will be the only way to end the A. Your H wasn't strong enough to stay out of the A in the first place, before he got addicted. There's no way he can be strong enough to stay out of it now that he's addicted to OW and has a romantic history with her.