That's a problem only you can solve through ruthless self-examination and determination to become a healthier person emotionally no matter what your H does.

I understand what you are saying about my trolling & dipping. Let me say this: I reported that Immediately after the bookstore I felt full of myself. "Sweet Revenge?" Probably.

I gotcha. You felt the infidelity suit didn't fit you. But most people would say the same thing. There aren't a lot of people who set out to have an A. I wish I had a nickel for every time it "just happened". But you started a process that leads to full-blown infidelity. You were looking to get needs met by someone other than your H. This is now a part of your history. It's a part of what you bring to your M. This affects your relationship with your H, whether he knows it or not.

People who are actively committed to their M don't take their ring off and hang out in bookstores, hoping to attract another person's attention.

It seems to me that waywards continue their behavior and they continue to deny, lie, and justify (from what I have seen here), and I have personally observed and rebuffed many people who actively seek extramarital activity. (I work in Law Enforcement.)

I want my marriage. I have zero interest in continuing that behavior and I am willing to come clean. What else can you tell me or advise me at this point? I posed very specific questions...hopefully they are the right questions.

Help please!

I have been properly 2X4ed & I get it.

Yes I do see what you're saying.

Moving forward - Do you have any advice?

Thanks

You can read through all the articles on the site...more than once even. I would start with the Policy of Radical Honesty.

There is A LOT of Plan A info to read. I hardly posted when I first got here. I read read read Plan A info and other people's threads, made notes, bookmarked others' posts. There is the Notable Posts forum which has a lot of great stuff.

You can also re-read your own threads. I re-read what people posted to me many times before some of the things sunk in.

You seem desperate for more posts.

You can read through all the articles on the site...more than once even. I would start with the Policy of Radical Honesty.

There is A LOT of Plan A info to read. I hardly posted when I first got here. I read read read Plan A info and other people's threads, made notes, bookmarked others' posts. There is the Notable Posts forum which has a lot of great stuff.

You can also re-read your own threads. I re-read what people posted to me many times before some of the things sunk in. One piece of advice that you have ignored that I think would be helpful for you to re-think is your decision to skip on the keylogger for now.

My question is why doesn't O & H apply to our snooping activities? (I'm sure this question has been asked before. If so, pls link me to the thread with the answer.)

My question is why doesn't O & H apply to our snooping activities? (I'm sure this question has been asked before. If so, pls link me to the thread with the answer.)

There is a great thread about this somewhere; if noone posts it, please keep asking until they do. If still noone posts it, ask MelodyLane directly.

So what LBs have you been working on today? What Plan A thing are you going to do today? What are your WH's top 5 ENs? These are MB things that you can work on in the meantime.

Michael,

With regard to what you said about O & H:

I believe you are saying O & H applies to me and to him and if I'm doing MB I need to be O & H with my husband, so I am thinking you are telling me I need to fess up about the bookstore thing. Pls confirm.

My question is why doesn't O & H apply to our snooping activities? (I'm sure this question has been asked before. If so, pls link me to the thread with the answer.)

Thanks a million.

One of the most common smoke-screens used by unfaithful spouses is to express shock that their spouse would be so distrusting as to ask questions about their secret second life. They try to make it seem as if such questions are an affront to their dignity, and a sign of incredible disrespect. They figure that the best defense is a good offense, and so they try to make their spouses feel guilty about asking too many questions.

I am a firm believer in letting each spouse do as much snooping around as they want. Nothing should be kept secret in marriage, and no questions should be left unanswered. If a spouse objects to such scrutiny, what might he or she be hiding?

Another type of clue is records of communication such as telephone records, letters and e-mail. Most affairs depend on repeated contacts and evidence of those contacts can usually be found. That's how M.S. discovered her husband's affair. When his lover was living in the same city, he was able to hide his affair, but after he moved, it became almost impossible for him to keep his communication a secret. He was addicted to daily contact, and M.S. saw evidence of it almost immediately after the move. But how many people move away from a lover? It's very rare, and if M.S.'s family had not moved, she may never have discovered the affair because she trusted her husband.

When a couple spend their leisure-time away from each other, it is not only a breeding ground for an affair, but it can also be another clue to an affair. That's especially true when a spouse doesn't want the other to be present at their favorite activity. I counseled a man who went fishing every summer for a week with his friends, wives not invited. But they did invite a secretary from work who cooked their meals (and had sex with them all) during the trip.

Anything that takes one spouse away from the other overnight is an invitation for an affair. But when an opposite-sex co-worker tends to join a spouse on business trips, red flags should be flying in all directions. Any evidence that this relationship is anything more than pure business is, from my perspective, a gigantic clue that an affair might be in progress. That's also the case if a spouse and opposite-sex co-worker spend a great deal of time working together.

We are all wired to have an affair. We can all fall in love with someone of the opposite sex if that person meets one of our emotional needs. If you don't think it can happen to you because of your conviction or will-power, you are particularly vulnerable to an affair. And if you think your spouse would never have an affair, you are also vulnerable.

Look what happened to poor Kathy Lee Gifford. She stated publicly and wrote in one of her books that she trusted her husband completely, that he would never cheat on her. But she should not have trusted her husband. If she would have taken the steps she is now taking to help him avoid another affair, the first would never have taken place, and she would have avoided all its pain and embarrassment. I don't trust my wife completely and she doesn't trust me, and that's why neither of us have ever had an affair. Lack of trust does not make spouses paranoid and miserable, it makes their marriages safe.