sister and jim,
you are both right jim you are right because of that and also because she has not attempted to fix the relationship, she should be on MB not me. Sister I agree and honestly its hard for even me to tell if shes just a terrible woman or if she needs me to help her. But i fell in love with her because she was so joyful and in love with me we were inseperable, she was a great listener and friend, she is a hard worker and is the most beautiful women you'll ever see. But the problem is most of those things are all "was" and there are way more cons than pros with her.
But with all that said I just got off the phone with her. Instead of just kicking her out right away I confronted her in a calm manner about EVERYTHING and she began to cry and appologize with the way she has treated me and promised she loves me and swears there has been no more affairs since the 1's i know about. So i firmly gave her a choice to either work rediculously hard to change her ways and learn to be a good wife. or she can get out and I will file for seperation/divorce. She told me that she just doesn't ever see us being happy and she knows I deserve better and thinks that we should just seperate because she knows i'll make someone else so happy and that they will do the same for me. So now I'm so confused. is she lying? is she sincere? is she depressed? I just don't understand how someone can go downhill so fast. But anyway i agreed to the seperation and she has arranged to live at a friends (female) until she finds an appartment

p.s thank you everyone for all of your opinions i can't believe there is so much support on this website I wish i would have found it sooner

Best of luck Brandon. You need to minimize contact completely, do not discuss your relationship with her again. If there is any discussion wait till she pushes the subject. You also need to out her to all friends and family about what she has done.

Brandon,
JL is dead on. The problem lies with her and she is telling you in the above statement she knows she has a problem. THis is not something you can fix with marriage building. She needs to get help, fix her problem then show you through action that she knows how to make a marriage work and be committed to it. You will be beating your head against a wall continuing to think you can fix this. It's in your best interest to start to separate things. I also believe in saving marriages but your wayward wife's action in her first year of marriage is very telling.

I wish you well.


Gg

She told me that she just doesn't ever see us being happy and she knows I deserve better and thinks that we should just seperate because she knows i'll make someone else so happy and that they will do the same for me. So now I'm so confused. is she lying? is she sincere? is she depressed?

Brandon, I would take these words at face value. You have a wife that has cheated on you multiple times in the space of 18 months, probably cheated on you before that, and is telling you upfront that she is not willing to work on your marriage. Don't think that there's anything there to save, do you? The fantasy wife you see in your mind doesn't gibe with the reality, does it?

I agree and after laying in bed not sleeping for hours I thought about the questions I was given earlier(im on my phone so i cant quote them), and americajin you are right i've pretty much created a fantasy wife. that and mixed with false hope, and fear of being alone scares the sh** out of me. I should add i am 21 she is 20 and we've been together since highschool so I don't know any other love. Would it be stupid of me to seperate with her completely and kind of do a plan B? Or just move on?

Brandon:

If JL says bail, bail. He is clearly one of the very best on this site with his wisdom. He has been here 10 years and he doesn't post often, but when he does, you can take it to the bank, it will cash. Go dark, file for divorce. Get a Lawyer. Don't drag you feet it messes up your shoes.

Larry

Brandon, if you decide to move on you will find love again. You don't have love now, so you're really not losing anything if you decide to divorce your wife.

No matter what, use this site to educate yourself on how to be a good husband.

Alright thank you everybody I guess its time to start posting in the divorcing/divorced forums lol

Think about it and try to answer those questions we posed. There's no rush.

Brandon,

Continue to read and learn from the material and experience on this site. Educate yourself on what it takes to be in a healthy marriage, and then determine if you think that is possible. Only you really know that answer.

You don't have to decide anything immediately.

Brandon,

She is taking the easy way out to say "she just doesn't see this marriage working." What you need to see is actions and it is her call.

I think you should really be thinking about getting out, BUt I am an old optimist and if you see ACTIONS that indicate she gets it, and she wants it (the marriage) you might not be in a huge hurry to end this.

However, her statement while sounding very alturistic is actally just a cop out. She doesn't want to address her issues.

Sorry this is how it seems to me.

JL

JL I agree I have been doing alot of research and it seems like alot of WW's use phrases like she does while they are still continuing the affair and I think by her saying I deserve better and I will find someone new and she will make me happy she is really saying "I hope you find someone new so I don't have to hide these affairs anymore"
I've reached my decision and I am filing for seperation. There is a 1 year legal seperation here in my state before you can divorce so if all of a sudden she shows alot of interest in getting back together I MIGHT think about letting her back in my life slowly. But I don't see that likely so I am going to protect myself and let her go.

also should I still expose her to her family? I don't really plan on keeping contact with her but maybe they can do something for her. I also know she will literally HAAATE me if I told her parents because i know they will be severly disappointed in her, or should I just leave her and let her do her thing.

Wow. Seems like a looong time. I think it's the right step, though. You have to start making a good life for yourself. Good luck.

They should know the truth.

Totally agree.

If there is any heavy lifting to do here, it's for her to do. If she doesn't view you or your marriage as worth the effort, do you really want her?

That's not to say you don't have work to do. After all, you chose her. So you have work to do as well.

If it were me, and this is speaking as a BH who tried to save his marriage, and of course failed, that you should take those words she's said seriously.

Tell her you love her, you hope she finds what she's looking for, and file for divorce. You don't have to speed the divorce along. Just have it out there, so you are in the drivers seat when it comes to the timing of events.

Find an attorney that will go along with what you say. You don't want him to run up the billable hours, just do what it takes on the timetable you and your attorney agree upon, and be done with it.

If she ever says she doesn't want the divorce, send her to MB, to work with Steve or Jennifer and if they ever say she's safe, you can join her in Marriage Building. If she doesn't ever get there, do you really want her as a spouse?

The vows were already broken by her, so choosing a divorce action is totally acceptable. It doesn't mean you have to let be finalized. But at the same time, if she doesn't take any of the steps needed to ensure she's a safe spouse, then that tells you that choosing divorce is the right course of action.

That's how long it is in VA if minor children are involved.

Brandon, I don't know what state you're in, but check the law carefully. A lot of states reduce the waiting period to six months if there are no children involved.

http://www.divorcesource.com/info/divorcelaws/states.shtml

True!