I'm having a job crisis. It's thrown me for a loop to the point where in the past 24 hours, I've had trouble motivating myself to do anything. I came home from work and went straight to bed and slept for 14 hours.

He came in once. I was in tears. Told him I'd hit the wall and felt trapped, like a rat in a maze. I was in a dead-end. go nowhere position with no possibility of expanding job duties and salary. I was jeopardizing job #1 by working job #2 but we need the income from job #2.

I was honest. I said "all I want is to go in there and give my notice but I can't do that because you are not working."

And this is what I think has him angry. He feels I'm blaming him for my quandary. And my mental state is just annoying him and ticking him off even more. I can see it from his side...perhaps I could have been more tactful. But it wouldn't have been honest. I hate the position I'm in and I have NO latitude because he isn't working full time.

To top it all off, our insurance premiums are going up 63% starting next month.

I'm thinking one of a few possibilities.

1. Cop and attitude and get fired. Unemployment plus them paying 65% of my COBRA probably isn't so bad? I still have my second job and can up the hours...though there's not much money to be made there.

2. Send out emails this weekend to everyone..and I mean everyone..I know, telling them I'm casting my line for fish (i.e. job hunting). I'm planning on being very flexible. I don't have to have a big time, corporate mucky-muck job. I just want something that's got some room to grow, provides me with some variety of duties (my current job doesn't) and pays me at or near (or hopefully above!) where I'm at now.

3. Quit and wing it.

4. Ask to go part time...as in about 25-30 hours/week and get paid hourly. If I get let go from the benefits, I think the 65% COBRA still applies and it would alleviate some issues I'm having right now.

I think #1 and #3 are not the best plan of action. #2 and #4 have some merit.

I'm so upset with my husband though. I feel awful..terrible..like crawling into a cave. And I feel like he's MAD at me! He's barely speaking to me.

I wrote down all the stuff that's happened this week. I summed it up in email to him because he was upset that I couldn't talk about it. And I said...here it is, but I can't talk about this. I don't want to.

Bottom line is our department has become a cost center and the outside sales department has not been able to convert our leads. We have examined and re-examined our leads with management and they are solid. But local partners in various markets with local relationships are proving more fruitful for the company. Every suggestion I made in yesterday's meeting to help rectify the situation was shot down. Some deservedly from management's point of view, I guess. But some...well I feel as though there was some tunnel vision going on. Let my department do XYZ and we could turn ABC more profit. I had it all on spreadsheets for them. And they said "yeah, this looks reliable and it makes sense but it would mean changing the way we do this one particular thing and we don't want to do that."

ARGH!

I've never been fired! I've been downsized once and one other company completely went out of business. And I've been escorted out of the building once when I gave notice that I was going to work for the competitor (as in "thank you for your two week notice. Now go clean out your desk and get out of here now.) But this smells too close to getting fired and I'm freaking out! Freaking out because of the financial implications for the family and freaking out because it's really hitting my pride.

I just want support from my husband, not sulking because I can't 'pull out of it'.

I am sorry you are going thru this. It is terrifying due to his refusal to work. Maybe this alone will motivate him to get a job to help support the family.

It is painful now but could prove to be a blessing in desguise if you keep asking him to work so that the famiy will be able to buy food, pay bills, and have a house over your heads.

When he sulks, look him in the eye and tell him straight out that YOU NEED HIS FINANCIAL HELP NOW. You need him to bring in some money to the tune of ____________per week so that your family wont be booted out on the street.

Be the needy one and let him know you need his help and you need it now.

I want to see this man start looking for a job and take any job he can get, even two jobs...to support his family as he should have been doing for the last 10 years!

Allow him, urge him....and LET HIM step up here! See what he is made of. Do not let his attitude put you off from asking him to work.

OH, your H may well be hurting and freaking out, too. He tried yesterday, but he didn't know what to do to help you. How about brainstorming what you would like. Maybe to rest your head on his shoulder and have a good cry? Maybe rent a funny movie? When you know what you would like, how about making a thoughtful request, verbally? And if he isn't enthusiastic about your request, you have a phone list. Can you get to a meeting tonight? It'll help you choose your attitude in such a rough time. (((Hugs)))

OH, I just want you to know I am thinking of you. I don't know that my advice would be very objective because some of what you are feeling hit close to home for me. But consider yourself virtually hugged.

((OH))

I am sorry this is happening, and I am sending positive vibes your way.

OH, we are all just guessing, because we don't know your husband, but he has been walking in the moccasins you are now wearing. He may not have done as well as he could at handling the loss of his job, but he has been there, and has to have empathy for you. He also has to be as scared as you are.

Don't tell him what you need, or what he should do. Ask him what you should do. Ask him what he can do. Brainstorm this thing together.

Forget options 1 and 3. Those don't get you anything. Options 2 and 4 can be done together. Option 4 buys you time for 2 to produce some leads. It's better to take less hours and keep your hourly rate up than to cut your rate, because if things pick up and you go back to full time, you make more money. If you cut your rate and work full time, you have no room to move the income back up.

It seems to me that if you are going to stay in Boston (?), you both need to think outside what you are doing now. Expand your search to what you can do, what you are good at doing, what you really want to do, and look in areas that are the strongest for your area, and have lots of employers, rather than just a few big employers. Medical device R&D and manufacturers jump into my mind.

The problem is Retread, that I seem to NOT be allowed to be the one who falls apart in this marriage. I fall apart, he gets angry.

OH, I know your feelings about not getting to be the one who "falls apart."

And it's a lie. I am allowed to feel my feelings. And I'm allowed to share them. I am learning not to take my husband's anger personally. Anger is just a mask for fear, and if he is afraid, I can have compassion for his fear while at the same time removing myself from his anger, or avoiding it altogether by finding safer people to share my negative feelings with. For the first time in my life I actually have outside support through my alanon friends. I would not be able stay married and semi-sane without them.

When I am feeling negative feelings (and I have been fired, twice, and pre-emptively quit once) about work or about anything, I remembe that feelings are temporary and pass like a thunderstorm, and I take extra extra care of myself. It may seem selfish, but it's very important that we put the oxygen mask on ourselves first.

*HUGS* {{{ OH }}}

I *know* how terrifying that feels. A little over two years ago, I was in a somewhat similar situation: my H was just doing some part-time consulting and wasn't really job-hunting (as far as I could tell), and I was working at a place where I was miserable, there were budget cuts and downsizing and increased workloads and expectations, and the morale was rock bottom for *everyone*. Things came to a crisis at work and I was about as down as I could be, but it really *was* a blessing in disguise because it gave me the impetus I needed to leave.

I like your options 2 and 4. Can you maybe do both at the same time?

Your H may very well be feeling similar anxiety and not know how to deal with his own feelings, let alone yours. I know, that sucks, but it may be an actual limitation and not something he's doing maliciously. I know, that probably won't help you to hear that right now. But maybe once you've weathered this particular storm, it will help you be less resentful of him.

And you WILL weather this. Families have gotten through worse, and women have gotten through worse, and employees have gotten through worse, and mothers have gotten through worse. It may not be fun, but I'm sure you can get through this. And it may very well be a blessing in disguise. For real. Not just an empty platitude.

*HUGS*

OurHouse, it sounds like you are are the only person not allowing you to show your feelings.

I guarantee that your husband's anxiety over his own job loss just increased by an order of magnitude. It seems like you were already doing a lot of his worrying for him. Now you have your own worries. Let go of the compensating you are doing for him, and deal with your anxieties. Let him deal with his worrying that you have been doing for him. Then you the two of you can sit down rationally and work out some plans together.

When men are scared it can show up as anger. We are trained not to be weak. We feel we need to be the ones to be the fixers and make the problems go away, but what do you do if you don't have the answers? I suspect he does not want you to fall apart because he does not have a solution either. So if he gets angry with you, do not respond in anger, say to him "its OK I'm scared too". He likely does not know what his feelings are telling him. For us guys its seems the only emotion we are allowed "according to the code" is anger.

It is situations like this that can help break down the wall and help him recognize his feelings. This is an opportunity for the two of you to be vulnerable with each other. Who goes first?

Sounds like you have been carrying the load. And he is likely feeling guilty inside for not "being the man". Being the man is what is expected in our society and a guy can retreat into all kinds of escapes if they feel they are not measuring up. Anger, avoidance, false bravado, are all great masks to wear when you don't know what to do.

Sorry to hear you are in this situation. It must feel very scary for you right now.

This is almost exactly where I am. The company seems to be doing well overall (going by the numbers that are shared during bi-monthly meetings) but certain expectations are not being met by some of the field people and my department is responsible for supporting those people and you know what they say about the shyte running downhill.... it's easier to place blame with us. And from the way the expectations are being changed with no warning seems to bear this out. I really feel I'm being set up for a fall..and you're right..this is a definite impetus to leave. It's been easier to stay somewhere where I haven't truly been happy, job wise (I like the people) than to polish the resume and hit the pavement.

The challenge is that now we're also being watched like hawks in terms of our time spent doing other things. So I will have to make sure that any networking I do, job hunting, phone calling, etc., is after hours or taken as PTO. And documented as such!

So what do I do as far as my husband? I am really angry with him and I know the MB answer is to probably share that in an effort to become closer. But I can't find it in me to do that. I share, he gets angry. At least, it feels like he gets angry. I'm being expected to just suck it up and deal..for the sake of the family.

I don't want to do that at the moment.

Wow, do I sound like a spoiled child or what?

I don't know.

I think what the guys are saying is giving us (me too) very useful insight into how guy's brains work. Interesting to know that when we feel like our H is reacting angrily, that it could be due to frustration or worry or guilt. I guess we can try to keep that in mind, and not take it too personally. Sort of "sharing but letting go of the response"?

By all means, don't "suck it up and deal".

How are your H's job prospects lately?

H's job FT job prospects are slim-to-none at the moment. He had that one opportunity but it was not what he (or I) thought it was and he made a case for passing on it and I enthusiastically agreed.

Now I'm stuck with a crappy situation and would like to just quit, but I can't. It's really hard NOT to feel resentment.

Here's the bottom line on my sitch:

I supervise an outbound call center. I was doing this for another company 3+ years ago, having designed the template we used to qualify leads for the sales people. It worked phenomenally well and took the "cold" out of cold calling. One of our partner companies liked the idea so much, they enticed me to jump ship with an offer of slightly more money, a much more generous bonus package based on closed deals, rather than just getting the sales guys in the door, and the promise of schedule flexibility, as long as quotas were made.

We sat down and agreed on the parameters and here's what's happened.

In 3 years, just TWO jobs have closed. Now this is commercial sales, the $$$ value is very big and the sales cycle is long. It's not like they're selling toothpaste. In my old job, the sales people were closing 1-2 out of every 10 qualified appts we sent them on. And the original expectation was that for every 10 leads my people had, we'd make 2-3 qualified appts for the sales guys.

Well, we're at 4-5 appointments made out of every 10 leads in our lead base.
The sales guys are not closing them.
There is very little variation in job duties; it's very repetitive, heavy phone work. My two people are getting bored and frustrated. I'm supposed to be spending about 40% of my time on the phone as well. I'm trying to find ways to vary the job tasks for my people.

On Friday, I got taken to task for the amount of calls they were making (keep in mind they are converting twice as many leads to appts as expected), the times they were working (they are doing some other research, which takes them off the phones and it looks like they're not on the phones 8 hours a day) and the "quality" of appointments. We are qualifying them based on the criteria management agreed upon. Sometimes facility managers just want to see what else is out there and if you ask them if they've already done XYZ, well they lie. There's not a whole lot you can do until you are crawling around in there and see that they don't have what they said they had.

I also got knocks for my own call volume and time spent "dialing ad smiling" even though that's not tied into my overall job situation.

So I feel like I'm being set up for a fall. And want to get out before it happens!

You're angry because of the AO thing, right? How would you feel about taking the conversation somewhere that he doesn't AO?

You don't have to make any decisions about the job situation for the time being. Like you said, you can do the networking and such in your off-hours. I've always heard employers much prefer hiring someone working than someone unemployed. Is that true for your field, too? You staying while you job-search isn't just smart move because of your H's situation. Even if he had stable work, quitting, especially in this economy, would be a decision you maybe would come to regret. What do you think?

Have you made it to a meeting? Did it help? Are you using your tools? Reading your literature daily? Taking care of yourself is just as important when times are tough as when they are going well. LA's expression, "What you most crave, you are least giving" comes to mind. You are looking to your H for calm, missing out on all the ways you can be providing calm for yourself at the same time. If you were in a healthy marriage, you would still be taking it slowly, getting more information, taking good care of yourself.

OurHouse,

Your husband is not making you angry. He is doing things, which combined with your upbringing, your habits, your beliefs, and marriage baggage, is creating anger within you. It is chemistry, with multiple ingredients.

Certainly, your H is going to have to take PT work while searching for FT work, and multiple PT jobs. The more you two can set other issues aside and work together, the better you will get through this.

To the point:
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2302743#Post2302743

OH,

I know intimately how frustrating this is for you. FWIW, I believe you have every right and actually a responsibility to keep being O&H with your H. He needs to hear how you're feeling whether he likes it or not. You already know to keep it civil and in terms of how YOU are feeling, not attacking him. He will likely still perceive it that way, but that's his issue, not yours. It may not be comfortable for a while, but either he needs to step up to give you emotional support (and hopefully FS as well) or you need to know once and for all that it's simply not in his repertoire and make your decisions with that knowledge.

Rough, I know, but I firmly believe that's the bottom line.

FWIW, I'd go with #2 and #4 as well. Start planning your out, I agree that this smells wrong.

Hugs, and hang in there.

:: Tonight was awful. I honestly don't think I have it in me to "marriage build".

He's been sullen all weekend...almost as though he's mad at me for freaking out. This evening, he talked to his mother (that usually gets him going as well...) and he angrily shoo'd our daughter out of the room as they were on the phone. He does this all the time and it upsets me because she wants to talk to her grandma. I went out to the porch where he was sitting after he'd hung up and said "so how is your mom?"

**silence**

I said "everything ok?"

**silence** and some angry pointing of the remote at the TV and heavy sighing.

So I sat there, thinking maybe he'll say something. They don't have the best relationship and she can really press all his buttons.

Instead, it was an all out attack on me. How much he's tried to make me feel better but I'm just a cold hearted person who pushed him away. How he's got nothing. No family, no kids, no wife, no friends, no job....his life sucks.

I really hate when he gets going on the pity party. And tonight, I felt as though my problems were being brushed aside. I tried to listen proactively. Everytime I would nod or say 'you sound very upset or angry' he'd say "how would you know, you never listen to me."

And then he went into the job thing and I said that I just. could. not. talk about it on Friday. Told him a few things from the meeting and he said "that's the first I heard of that!". And I said, I answered your email of "how did it go" with a "s*tty...."....(and I hit the highlights and said that I just couldn't talk about it; that for now, this was going to be it until I'd processed it.)

He said he's sick and tired of the emails, he didn't read it, he refuses to read them anymore and he can't figure out why the f--- I can't talk to him. It's insane, says he, and stupid, and rude and not acceptable. This was followed by door slamming, dish throwing (into the sink) and shoving of a kitchen chair so hard that it broke.

I grabbed my keys and left the house. Tried to take our daughter with me but he told her she'd better not move and I didn't want to make things worse by pulling her into the middle. I knew he wouldn't hurt her so I left her there and went to sit in the car.

He came out about a half hour later and said "I read your email. I didn't want to but I did. And I came out here to the car. I didn't want to but I did."

I said "thank you"

He said. "that's it? Thank you? Fine, come back into the house when you're ready (said in a very sarcastic manner)

I said I was waiting for him to apologize for his AO. That I refused to be married to someone who will resort to such horrible outbursts. And he said "why do you always go down the path to wanting a divorce?" And a few other things. He said "hey I'm not happy either but I'm not the one setting ultimatums here. This needs to stop."

That's when I invited him to leave the car.

He went, but not without slamming the door.

I'm sure I did a gazillion things wrong but I'll be honest. I'm tired of holding his hand and stroking his ego in the name of protecting my teammmate.

OH - I feel your pain on this one.

For the past few days, my H and I have been doing very very well. However, anger is one of our areas for improvement. My focus when dealing with this is: when I change my steps, I change the dance. I keep saying that over and over again in my mind. That & "Feelings follow actions."

Next time, take your opportunity or your turn to "fall apart" if you need to ...Remember that he is allowed to get angry. Allow him his anger and you have your moment as well. Do not let the fear of his anger stop you from getting what every human is entitled to.

Does it really matter that he gets angry when you are feeling weak / unsure? I aksed myself that and the answer is "NO." BUT - it does matter how he treats me when he is experiencing anger.

My H used his anger to control me...to control my reactions and actions. He still tries to some extent; however, I am saying NO. Today I was confronted with "the anger". I faced it - stared it down and said



My H actually said


My response


Him-->

He actually tried to convince me that the conversation we JUST had seconds ago did not take place... He tried to GASLIGHT me! It's a tactic which he frequently uses. He does this all the time - I had to be honest with myself and admit that. Once I admitted it, I had to act. It's one of my next projects - helping him to eliminate the gaslighting by doing my part and not rewarding it... The other is the anger - saying NO to it.

I stated what he had actually said just SECONDS before-->


He stood there looking a little shocked.

I waited a few seconds and then changed the subject to something pleasant.

Can you do this OH? Have your moment / moments which you need (and deserve) and when the anger comes with angry words, respond with:

I could, Chris, I'm just highly UNMOTIVATED at the moment. I'm avoiding him.

My husband often has the same response: "oh, so I'm not allowed to feel or say..."

And I use a similar response to what you said.

But he'll say "oh, so now you make the rules? F that!"

Fun stuff.

Yes, you are right about the anger. He could get angry. He will get angry. That's not what upsets me. It's the way he treats me.