How do you seperate the things the alien says and does from your husband? This is killing me.
I have just found an incredable graphic email to her, describing in detail what he does and wants to do to her.

Please tell me how to recover from this. I keep telling kyself this is an ALIEN in his body and mind writing this thrash, but the reality is MY HUSBAND wrote this to another woman!

Please help me understand that I will be able to get past this.
How does it ever leave your mind. My eyes see this garbage happening and I literaly feel sick.

God help me

Cars,
Did you ever expose as you were advised to do a week or so ago? If this has been going on for 10+ months and if your WH has known that you know, you must do something else to try to halt the affair. Exposure is the only way.

I went back and read your other posts on three separate threads. If you are to get good advice from the longterm pros here, you must engage in dialogue with them. They need to know if you have been executing Plan A since you found out and specifically what you have been doing as a wife in that ten months. They need to know what your husband's response (other than continuing the affair) has been to your discovery of his betrayal.

I myself am still in recovery and do not have much experience with your particular situation (as my FWH immediately ended his A upon discovery), but there are others here who have been down your path. They can help you, but you must first do the nuclear exposure and then talk to these guys who have lots of experience guiding BS's through the tortuous journey.

I see the pain in your words and I hope the best for you.

GY

yes, please tell people. you shouldn't have to live his nightmare alone. he is a crack fiend and you need to shine the light on his crack den.

Cars,

I am not familiar with your story, but what you are reading is NOT your husband. It really is another person that your husband allowed to take over for him.

Please, please follow the advice of those advising you on this board. If you have not exposed, DO IT. NOW. There is no good time to wait for. Massive explosion of exposure is extremely important.

Getting a plan will help you. You need to order SAA and do everything suggested, starting with EXPOSURE.

Is the OW married?

Did you expose the affair? What have you done to kill this affair?

YOU need to help you. Have you exposed the affair?

Cars,

In 11-days you have 4-posts on the 3-threads you have started and still have not really explained your situation or what you want to accomplish here.

Its okay to vent and get emotional support however if your goal is marital recovery or just personal recovery we need more information and responses from you.

Here is all we know.

You have been married 20 years.
WH is 10 months into an affair (EA or PA?) with a former girlfriend from a high school reunion.
You have a daughter.
WH is still in the house.
You have not exposed.
Contact continues and your WH is a cake eater.
You have not exposed.

So some of the questions remaining:

Have you read all the major concepts here?
Have you gotten the book, Surviving an Affair yet?
How old is your daughter?
What was the state of the marriage prior to his adultery?
Is this the first adultery either before or during the marriage?
Is the adultery emotional or has it become physical?
Is OW married? Are you sure?
Are you attempting to do Plan A?
How did you discover the adultery?
What evidence do you have?
Are there any addictions involved?
What do you want to accomplish here?

And no doubt a few more.

Sorry you are here Cars. Let us know how we could help you.

There is no magic pill Cars...

You gotta do the work.

First work is to confront and then expose. Things will change after that.

Nothing good will come of you enabling. Don't worry that he might 'leave'... He left 10 months ago.

You've gotta expose.

I went way too long, knowing in my gut that I knew what was going on, and emotionally, it was like dragging myself behind a carthat was speeding up.

I exposed- and while it has created a firestorm of emotion from my WH- I have regained my own power and validation. And you can't buy that kind of peace of mind with a million dollars.

This site is a tremendous HELP, Hugs to any and everyone who has ever posted here. KNowing I am not alone is such a huge help!

I feel parallized trying to write of my situation. I have been informed by a friend that my WH and is brother attorney are here
looking for me.

I have been married for 20 yrs. My WH is very emotionally withdrawn. He knew this before he met me from counseling that I have just learned about. He comes from an emotionally disconected family. He ws told he was aloft, detached and self absorbed.
This I have just learned from a former girlfriend who was in counseling with him .

So while we have had a great life, our marriage was not so much about meeting emotional needs. My attemps at this grew less each yr as my needs where never met. He says now that "I never lost the baby wght and I did that on purpose to disrespect him"
Can't explain that cause I don't get it but that is what he says. He says it was my job to meet his but not his responsibility to meet mine or our DD's. He feels like he supports us financially and that is his only responsibility we shd need.

July he goes to HS reunion, didn't want me to go. Stupid of me I now realize. Comes home and I immediately new something was way different. Confronted him he said How dare I, so what if he had found some happiness connecting to old friends why did I have to turn it into somethingdirty, etc
Began snooping and found a truck load. Yrs of calling a voice recording dating service. Condoms hidden in his car,
I found an email to HS girlfriend he, planned a wkend trip with "his brother" I confronted him he lied and I knew he was lieing. Told him I loved him and tht we needed to get help before he made this mistake, told him adultery was Biblical grounds for divorce, think of our child, family, business everything I cld think of. He went and had the affair.

Hhere we are now he hasnt seen her since Sept, lives 15hrs away thank God. First 6 months of love busting then I found this site. Oct Major $ was moved from joint to single name, counselor and my family all agreed I needed to get legal advice, Atty said only way for financial protection was to file. Did and confronted him of why and he cried and said he new it was stupid but he was soo unhappy, etc. Said he told OW and she said no more it was over. She is married and loves her life said the affair was like going to the prom, no more.

He won't go to counseling or talk to anyone, muchless me has moved into guest bedroom, snooping tells me he stll talks to her occasionally, confronted and he says she is his only friend. Says he does not want a D he is numb and I need to give him time. 10 ths and nothing has chgd. Counselor, family and few friends who know all 100% agree and tell me that if he doesnt want to work on our marriage or totally end it with her I need to get the D.
DDD agrees and says she has been thinking he doesnt care about anyone but himself, and we are better off without him.

So here I am now not knowing what to do, or how I really feel. Not sure if any love is left. WHAT A MESS

Thanks for listening!

Still listening. Have you expose the affair to the OW's husband?

NO, I have not exposed to OW family, only to my family and a few close friends. WHo I am just learning are doing a great job of exposing to others. I guess you can't really trust anyone anymore!!

Atty and my family fear that this looks like a Divorce, 10 mths and he hasn't even said he was sorry, refused to work on marriage etc. Family feels like if D I will need exposure to negogiate with.

As I mentioned 6mths of lovebusting, I keep telling myself the things he said to me were the alien talking, but the pain and scars are all so real. I have tried a type of plan A, trying to be loving and encouraging, etc. Counselor feels like my self esteem if being hurt by trying to gain his love, as she feels that is what I have been trying to do for yrs and with nothing in return. My 15yr old feels the same way. "Dad has never put you or me over his wants, he doesn't care about anyone but himself and making $, Our pastor told him if nothing else he needed to talk to our DD, free her from thinking anything is her fault. He said he was not going to explain himself to a 15yr old, maybe when she is 30 she will understand, Pastor replied so then just let her hurt untill she is 30 and he said I not explaining myself to anyone. I asked him please just talk to her and he said he had leanrned that he wasn't the accountable type, and was not going to submit to anyone.


He wont move out, atty says I have no legal way to get him out.So we are living basically like nothing ever happened as far as day to day life goes. DD and have are active and involved in all that we do. He works when needed and does whatever the rest of the time. Comes home and wants to know whats for dinner.

It is a complete farse to me to live like this. He says he needs time , he is numb.

Cars-

I am sorry you find yourself in the situation you are in. I havne't read your other threads, but this one is engough for me, as I do know how you feel.

This site and the great people on it follow Dr. Harley's proven concepts in order to try to recover their marraiges. If this is what you want, this is the best way to TRY to do that. Speaking from experience, it is hard. Very hard. In fact, it's the hardest thing I have ever tried to do in my life, and I've done a lot.

The greatest thing about this MB program, is as you follow the guidance, you will continue to improve yourself and protect yourself so that regardless of how the marriage works out, you will be a better, stronger person.

Now, assuming that you do wish to recover your marriage, I advise the following:

Keep reading on this site about 'typical wayward behavior'. It is amazing how they all act in the same manner. They read from the same playbook. Use this to your advantage. By the way "I just need some time" is a classic line which really means they want more time to continue their affair.

Continue to snoop and get eveidence without blowing your source of info. Track phone useage. Get a keylogger.

Develop a solid exposure plan, and execute it immediately. There is a lot of information about exposure here. Exposure is your number one weapon against the affair. The OWH is your most influencial exposure target.

Welcome to Plan A.

Right now, learn all you can about Plan A. Here is a short description of it written by a board member, but you must also read up it here on the site.

In a nutshell, while in Plan A you make correct any problems you may have had in being a good spouse (the carrot) AND you do everything you can to bust up the affair (the stick):

*****
"The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A" by Pepperband

THE CARROT OF PLAN A:

Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.



THE STICK OF PLAN A

Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not apologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Allowing the consequences of adultery and infidelity to fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to affect children of the marriage or the financial security of the marriage, or otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slain for the good of the family.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Plan A is both a *carrot* and a *stick*.

Some notes on Exposure:

--Exposure targets
Anyone with influence over your WS or the marriage. WS' parents, siblings, best friend, children if they're over 4. OP's siblings, parents, spouse. Your priest or similar if you're religious. Their employer if they work together. Work exposure should be done *in writing* to the head of HR, the CEO, and WS' boss. All of them should know the others were copied; this makes it harder for them to toss the letter into the trash and forget about it.

--Exposure message
Use a formal letter for work exposure. Everything else is short and sweet: "OP and WH are having an affair. I love WH and I am committed to doing whatever it takes to repair our marriage and make it better than ever. I'd appreciate any advice you might have." The exposure message is not vengeful; it is a message of love.

--No warning
Do NOT threaten to expose, do not tell him you're going to expose. Just do it. If he has advance warning, he will tell his friends and family "We are having trouble in our marriage. W is controlling and angry. She won't talk to me, she won't listen to me. She is possessive and jealous, and she accuses me of insane things. Sometimes I'm scared for my physical well-being, she's changed that much. Thank goodness I have friends to talk to, otherwise I don't think I could bear the abuse. OW has been especially helpful in offering insights into how a woman would see things. I just hope we can make it but I'm not sure we can." How do you think your exposure is going to sound after an oscar winning performance like that?

--Exposure after-effects
Your WS is going to be furious. You will hear predictable things like "I can never trust you again. I was going to dump OP and reconcile but you've blown any chance of that. I hate you. I'm filing for D." Don't EVEN pay attention to this stuff. Your WS is just angry because the super-fun super-secret affair is suddenly looking downright tawdry and the fun is turning into a nightmare. Just ignore most of it. If your WS tries to talk about divorce, say "I don't do divorce, I do marriage." Then change the subject. If your WS tries to pick a fight, tell them you'd very much like to discuss things when you can both be calm and rational, and leave the room if you have to. If he says things like "How could you do this?!" tell him you'll do whatever it takes to save your marriage.

This is just some of the guidance I have received. Please remember that this situation is not uncommon and many marriages have suffered infidelity. There are many people on the website that have followed these principles and saved their marriage and they are there to help us to do the same.

You are not alone here.

-SoL

Oh and can anyone tell me how to check for a keylogger on my computer?

Well, I put a keylogger on my WW's computer and she found it by using a program from PCTools I think. I think it was called Spyware Doctor or something like that.

Hi - it sounds like you are a little leary about full exposure.

While I understand that, I think it will help you. I exposed and it has resulted in both my WH and OW losing their jobs, reputation, and hit our finances hard.

However, I would do it again in a heartbeat. My WH is having to deal with the huge consequences of his behavior - he has lost his job, is embarrassed, and is having to sit with those consequences of his A.
1. He chose MC and IC.
2. He chose to read the books, and do the work on himself that was needed.
3. He chose to fix himself and fix his part of the marriage.

I know it is all devestating. We all know.

Exposure works!

If you really are leery on the exposure front, I will say that everyone who exposed, doesn't regret it. The only regrets in regards to exposure I have seen is that the people who didn't expose regret it and those that did expose but not effectively regret that. I hope this helped nudge you in the right direction.

So even IF this looks like headed in the D direction.
The advice is still expose her to her family?
Even IF they haven't seen each other in 6mths, I know they have talked though.
Also I have exposed him to my family, close friends, DD and pastor. He told his brother (onlyliving family he has) who is married to his 4th wife by the way. So not much help there. He refuses to talk to any of them, just his brother.

I want to expose for the right reasons, not revengeful thinking.
Thats why I was asking if it was too late to expose.

Oh and the most recent graphic email I mentioned finding was dated the end of Oct. Major disgusting, but atleast old. Not that that helps me in anyway!!

cars, YES, the affair should be exposed. Talking on the phone or via email is STILL an affair. Tell everyone about the affair. Exposure is a good thing, not a bad thing.