Thanks Rosy.

I'm going to wait and watch as you suggested. Just trying to figure out if this is something that will pass on his part or is now a permanent part of the way he is. He did not cheat on his two wives, and there are none of the other signs that he is cheating.

And you know this how?

What happened to cause his two previous marriages to fail?

I don't know why he would be doing this if he is totally committed to you. It makes no sense. My only thought is that maybe it's his MO.

You met on the Internet. Who initated your first contact? Did you wink or flirt w/him first, or was it the other way around?

Sorry I can't be more helpful. Be wary of anyone who lies to you.

Well, IMO, he is no position to be house hunting with you.

AGG

I wouldn't be entering into a financial agreement with someone with whom I had no committment whatsoever. There is no committment here whatsoever. Nor would I ever, ever live with a guy unless he married me. That will RUIN the relationship because it sets up a renters mentality that will eventually destroy the marriage if it ever gets to that point. Renting is a month to month agreement, where he is free to move onto something better if his fancy so dictates.

Investing in a house in such a situation would be like offering to pay for new expensive tires on a car you don't own. You have no reason to believe you will even have the car next week. If he shacks up with you he is free to move on if something better comes along next week.

As far as him keeping his profile on a singles site; well, he IS single. And will continue to be single even if you do move in with him.

If you think this guy is marriage material, I would make him prove it. Raise the bar. Tell him you are not a rental unit and if he wants to be with you, he can buy the house. Set your price and make him pay it. If he wont' pay it, then you will know it wasn't meant to be. But if you come for FREE he will treat you as free goods. If he won't buy the house, then you will know he doesn't have a very high regard for you anyway, and should move on.

If he won't propose marriage, then you can move on and not waste anymore of your time. As my momma always told me, don't put out for free!

You must be kidding? Have you ever read the statistics on living together before marriage? They have an 85% DIVORCE RATE. 85% get divorced in under 5 years. That is because shacking up sets up a renters mentality that does not go away when married. Shacking up is a month to month renters agreement based on a TEST to see how well the other person does and if one person fails, the test is over. Living together before marriage is a DISASTER to relationships.

Dr Harley has written extensively about this in his book Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders in the chapter about the "curse of living together before marriage." I would check this out before you immerse yourself into such a bad situation. Here is one of his articles about it: Living Together Before Marriage

Is there some reason why he won't marry you?

Because he is SINGLE and that is what single people do. He is not in a committed relationship so he is keeping his options open. Honestly, Madam, you are old enough to know better.

DarkSands, you now have more than TWO DOZEN replies to your question. Many of them (like mine) from guys -- as you requested.

Not a single one has given you the thumbs up on this relationship.

Why do you think that is?

Fred, his first wife drank and left him. He raised his son six he was six (he is now 21). His second wife died. Can't quite call that a failure.

Thanks for your response Starving.
Actually, he initiated the first contact with me.

I can understand why you might want to defend your boyfriend. It's a natural tendency. But you don't seem to be heeding the feedback you're getting.

If you don't want to hear what we are saying, why are you here?

Fred, I am reading what people write and evaluating the input. If I did not want to hear what you are saying then I would not be here.

Do I have to heed the feedback and dump my boyfriend immediately because y'all think I should? No. I will weigh the feedback and make my own decisions, thanks.

That does not mean that I don't appreciate what people post.

I don't think that Fred was asking you to take the advice and run with it "no questions asked", I think he was wondering if you had any feedback on our feedback . IOW, what do you think about the feedback you got so far? Is it off the mark? Does it mostly make sense? Stuff like that...

AGG

Well I am assured then, because that means he would only have an affair with someone who initiated contact with him, that's okay then.

You know, I understand that some of you are going through some really painful times (I have been where you are at before)...but comments like the one from Kay are totally uncalled for.

How nasty can you be to someone who comes and asks for help? What have I EVER done to you, Kay?

DS, K wasn't being nasty. She was following the scenario to its logical conclusion. His rationale of "I only chat with women who iniate contact" is ludicrous. It smacks of the cliche "Honey, what was I supposed to do? She threw herself at me!"

Here's the big question... what do you consider being unfaithful? Where is YOUR boundary? Is it okay for your BF to leave himself as available and talk to women who think he's in the market? What about if he's a live-in boyfriend? If it's okay for him to IM or email a woman who thinks he's looking for a girlfriend, is it okay for him to talk on the phone? What about meet in person? Does it matter if the woman invites him versus him inviting her? These are only things you can decide.

Yup, sometimes it's hard to understand print-only conversation.

If the boyfriend is 'only chatting' with women who initiate it, he is making himself vulnerable. He is not honoring his relationship with you.

You know, HONOR!!! That word is usually in marriage vows. Love and honor your beloved. Forsake all others for your beloved.

Rationalization and blowing smoke your way is what he's doing. You could probably expect his behavior prior to your marriage to be a predictor of his behavior after marriage.

In the words of Bruce Cockburn....Canadian singer/songwriter, "The trouble with normal is it always gets worse."

The same Bruce Cockburn who wrote "If I had a rocket launcher... some son-of-a-b*tch would DIE!"

(tj)Yes! He's kinda awesome! But not as awesome as Leonard Cohen.(/tj)

back to business....sorry 'bout that. Just don't find many people who know bruce's music