Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 46 of 91 1 2 44 45 46 47 48 90 91
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 249
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 249
I think we should take this rant somewhere else if we want to discuss it.

But quickly, for me, religion was so forced on me as a child. I would rather not deal with it if I don't have to. A lot of material to help marriages is Christian in some way. I would just rather be able to get the same quality of marriage help without religion.



Me 31
Him 26
Married 11/30/04

DD11
DD8
DS3

In a big ol mess...
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 596
U
Member
Offline
Member
U
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 596
Originally Posted by jmwc95
Seriously, what the hell is wrong with religion? I'm not a very religious person myself, but it drives me crazy that some people are so very threatened by the very notion of a God because they don't want to have to feel any guilt for the bad $hit they do. Get over it.
[/rant]

I suggest you read up on DJs again because this is a whopper. I can't name one agnostic/atheist/secular person that rejects religion because they don't want to feel guilt for the bad stuff they do. Nor will I cite statistics that demonstrate an inverse correlation between atheism and crime (since "immoral" behavior is not really quantifiable).

I reject the notion of God because I have never seen any evidence to suggest his existence, and religion gets the same level of skepticism from me that any other aspect of my life gets. I have no problem with faith and the people who have it. As a matter of fact, my girlfriend is catholic. I only get upset when faith (of any religion) is used as a basis for legislation.

I didn't want to sidetrack this thread, but I had to point out how woefully uninformed the bolded statement was.



ex-WW had 2 PAs in first 2 years. Buh-bye.
Divorce finalized: 1/28/09
Now just living and loving again.
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
Originally Posted by jmwc95
Seriously, what the hell is wrong with religion? I'm not a very religious person myself, but it drives me crazy that some people are so very threatened by the very notion of a God because they don't want to have to feel any guilt for the bad $hit they do. Get over it. Sure, there are some bad people the run some religions and some people that abuse it. How is that any different than anything else in life (business, politics, etc.)? Whether or not their is a higher power, the purpose of (most) religion is to fight human nature and have people be good to each other. Sounds like your WW could use some religion, no? If you are just going to discard everything that has anything to do with religion, you are going to miss out on a lot of good stuff.

[/rant]

jmwc, another poster had a line under their sig that was quoting Gandhi: "I like your Christ. I do not like your Christians. They are so unlike your Christ."

That really sums it up for me. When I was active in church, I had to deal with so many religious people who used their religion as a club that I chose agnosticism. I couldn't reconcile condoning their hatred. It's not a matter of guilt issues or anything like that.

And just like anything else, messages are good. Sort out the bias, use what works. Discard the rest.

Sorry, gerka - I'll get off your thread now smile

Last edited by maritalbliss; 05/06/10 09:35 AM.

D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 580
G
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 580
In my internet professional experience, this is like thread cancer.

Haven't heard from WW today. I'll send a note tomorrow, as that'll be 4 days after the last one.

Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 596
U
Member
Offline
Member
U
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 596
Originally Posted by Gerkaguards
In my internet professional experience, this is like thread cancer.

Haven't heard from WW today. I'll send a note tomorrow, as that'll be 4 days after the last one.

Agreed. I won't respond to any other discussion on that matter unless its in the OT forum. That being said, I still think you might enjoy the movie.

I think you are doing well in your Plan A, and you seem strong enough to keep to the course. I just hope your WW isn't a sociopath, who is taking your $1k a month just to spite you.


ex-WW had 2 PAs in first 2 years. Buh-bye.
Divorce finalized: 1/28/09
Now just living and loving again.
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 6,087
R
RIF Offline
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 6,087
Hey Gurka,

I think waiting 4 days is fine. I wouldn't mention the deposit in your e-mail to her... wait for HER to bring it up first.

She will most likely be puzzled that you didn't mention it, and hopefully, her curiosity will prod her contact you.

She might even tell you to STOP putting money in her account! whistle

Semper Fi,

RIF


Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 4,222
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 4,222
Originally Posted by Unfettered
Originally Posted by jmwc95
Seriously, what the hell is wrong with religion? I'm not a very religious person myself, but it drives me crazy that some people are so very threatened by the very notion of a God because they don't want to have to feel any guilt for the bad $hit they do. Get over it.
[/rant]

I suggest you read up on DJs again because this is a whopper. I can't name one agnostic/atheist/secular person that rejects religion because they don't want to feel guilt for the bad stuff they do. Nor will I cite statistics that demonstrate an inverse correlation between atheism and crime (since "immoral" behavior is not really quantifiable).

I reject the notion of God because I have never seen any evidence to suggest his existence, and religion gets the same level of skepticism from me that any other aspect of my life gets. I have no problem with faith and the people who have it. As a matter of fact, my girlfriend is catholic. I only get upset when faith (of any religion) is used as a basis for legislation.
I didn't want to sidetrack this thread, but I had to point out how woefully uninformed the bolded statement was.

This is going to be my last post on the subject in this thread, and I'd love to take it to an off-topic forum, but don't call my statement uninformed when you posted an even bigger whopper. What to you think our entire system of governement is based on? And my statement is true. SOME people feel that way. Here's an example. Some of the biggest churchgoing wives in the world will completely toss away their religious beliefs and become at best agnostics during their affairs. They'll do away with religion because it doesn't suit their world view anymore. That is SOME. I didn't say you. I'm sorry if I struck a nerve.

My point to Gerka is, don't just flatly reject anything that is based in religion, just because of the religious ties. Why would you take that stance? Have an open mind. I wouldn't reject something that was secular just for that reason. Do you reject organizations like Habitat for Humanity? You know, much of the military code is based on religion. Why do you think it is illegal for your wife to commit adultery in the Army? That's legislating religion.

My point to everyone is have an open mind. Have an open mind. Who cares if something is based in religion or secularism? Just have an open mind. I think that's what I have a problem with, closemindedness and the hypocrites who call religious people closeminded for their religious beliefs. It's PC to do so these days, and it's a double standard.

Gerka, I think you would get a lot out of Fireproof. Don't let something stupid like religion get in the way of that.

Last edited by jmwc95; 05/06/10 11:45 AM.

Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
Jim's Story
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 4,222
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 4,222
Originally Posted by Gerkaguards
Haven't heard from WW today. I'll send a note tomorrow, as that'll be 4 days after the last one.

I think twice a week is the perfect amount to email a WW that doesn't want to talk to you. It's a balance between letting her know you still care, and not being super annoying. You have any ideas yet? I would always kinda make up stuff to get my WW interested in conversation. You know, how a comedian sets up his jokes, where he's walking down the street the other day and some other guys comes up to him and says... That didn't REALLY happen to him, but it got the audience interested. Maybe you do a little exaggeration or tell some story that didn't happen to you but someone else you know that you can use. Something to possibly get a response other than, "I told you I didn't want to talk to you." Try out some ideas on us.


Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
Jim's Story
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 1,816
J
Administrator
Member
Offline
Administrator
Member
J
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 1,816
PLEASE! Let's stay On Topic here!!

Topic is---
Helping Gerka save his marriage!

Take other discussions to the Off Topic Forum PLEASE!

(Although I hit the 'reply to" on a name does not mean this is meant FOR that poster. I'm asking ALL posters on this thread to stick to the topic!)

Last edited by JustUss; 05/06/10 11:48 AM. Reason: added explanation

JustUss

Administrator/Moderator
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 580
G
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 580
Originally Posted by jmwc95
Originally Posted by Gerkaguards
Haven't heard from WW today. I'll send a note tomorrow, as that'll be 4 days after the last one.

I think twice a week is the perfect amount to email a WW that doesn't want to talk to you. It's a balance between letting her know you still care, and not being super annoying. You have any ideas yet? I would always kinda make up stuff to get my WW interested in conversation. You know, how a comedian sets up his jokes, where he's walking down the street the other day and some other guys comes up to him and says... That didn't REALLY happen to him, but it got the audience interested. Maybe you do a little exaggeration or tell some story that didn't happen to you but someone else you know that you can use. Something to possibly get a response other than, "I told you I didn't want to talk to you." Try out some ideas on us.

That doesn't really fit with openess and honesty. Enough stuff actually happens to be. I caught a couple thousand volts off a server rack today, for example. But I don't want to tell WW dangerous\scary stories that would make her worry.

My draft:

Hi, how has your week been? I've been really busy dealing with all the new people coming in, mostly Australians and Dutch officers. I ran into a Portuguese captain at Camp Eggers on Tuesday and tried to talk to him in Portuguese, he applauded my efforts and said I was the first non-Portuguese person in Afghanistan to try speaking Portuguese with him. It's apparently the rainy season here, and it's been raining a lot. It's nice since it clears the air of pollution, and makes all the plants grow. Speaking of which, I thought it'd be nice for a husband to send his wife some flowers, all the way from Afghanistan. wink

(Attach pictures of newly blossomed roses from the other day)

Joined: May 2002
Posts: 6,087
R
RIF Offline
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 6,087
Quote
I thought it'd be nice for a husband to send his wife some flowers, all the way from Afghanistan.


Hey Gurka,

I'd change this to: "I thought it'd be nice to send you some flowers all the way from Afghanistan."

She will NOT want to be called your wife... remember, she want's to divorce you. Your goal is to keep the comms line open and by using terms like "husband" and "wife", your message will most likely be taken as manipulation of her desire for a divorce.

Semper Fi,

RIF

Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 580
G
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 580
Sounds good.

Joined: May 2002
Posts: 6,087
R
RIF Offline
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 6,087
Quote
I caught a couple thousand volts off a server rack today, for example. But I don't want to tell WW dangerous\scary stories that would make her worry.


Wow, glad you're OK. I try to stay away from electricity, especially while I'm over here!

There was a guy in Afghanistan in 2004 that would write his wife about how he was getting into gun battles around Bagram... hee hee... he was a 71L clerk. Go figure. rotflmao


Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 249
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 249
I like the letter, with the suggested change. Very light hearted.


Me 31
Him 26
Married 11/30/04

DD11
DD8
DS3

In a big ol mess...
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 4,222
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 4,222
Originally Posted by Gerkaguards
That doesn't really fit with openess and honesty. Enough stuff actually happens to be. I caught a couple thousand volts off a server rack today, for example. But I don't want to tell WW dangerous\scary stories that would make her worry.

My draft:

Hi, how has your week been? I've been really busy dealing with all the new people coming in, mostly Australians and Dutch officers. I ran into a Portuguese captain at Camp Eggers on Tuesday and tried to talk to him in Portuguese, he applauded my efforts and said I was the first non-Portuguese person in Afghanistan to try speaking Portuguese with him. It's apparently the rainy season here, and it's been raining a lot. It's nice since it clears the air of pollution, and makes all the plants grow. Speaking of which, I thought it'd be nice for a husband to send his wife some flowers, all the way from Afghanistan. wink

(Attach pictures of newly blossomed roses from the other day)

There is a difference between lying and storytelling. Do you think a comedian is a liar for setting up some jokes that didn't REALLY happen to him, or is he just trying to tell a funny story. Besides, those MB policies aren't always meant to be followed in the case of a WW. For instance, if I am tracking my WW on GPS to keep her from sneaking out and meeting OM, and I bust her everytime she does, am I obligated to tell her how I know if she asks, so she can just pull the GPS device out of the hiding spot in the trunk and throw it away? Of course not. And good luck practicing the POJA with a WS.

I agree with RIF about the flowers part. Taken out the "husband" and "wife" and replace it with "I" and "you" and you've got yourself a winner. However, if I'm being honest, I think the rest of it needs a little work. Remember, this woman is COMPLETELY detached from you right now. Telling her you met some Dutch and Aussies is just going to make her think, "BFD, do I care? Thanks for sharing, ugh." She's going to tune out the rest of the email. Nope, nothing special. Captivate your audience. Make it interesting. That's one of the reasons I told you to only email twice a week. It will give you some time to come up with some new material. Tell her about the zap you got, but spice up the story a bit. Make it funny. Tell her it looked like the time that one guy got tasered. Make it interesting. Exaggerate a bit. Remember, the goal is to meet her need for conversation. Give her a reason to want to converse with you again.

Personally, I'm a non-stop comedian. That is one of the ways I engaged my WW again. I would tell her something so funny, she would start laughing, then she would quickly go back to her dour face. "Whoops, I'm still supposed to be mad at him," is what she was thinking. Well, the more I did that, the more she would engage and forget about being mad at me. I just tried keeping it light and fun. You should do the same. Be creative. Think of things to write about. Pretend you are a writer for Seinfeld, and try and find the humor in little day-to-day things. Carefully prepare and tweak your emails several days in advance. Run it by us or some friends in the military. Solicit them for some funny stories as well. Pass along their funny stories to her in the context of, "I was talking to so-and-so today, and he told me that one time..." Be creative. Pique her interest.

I knew my WW was intersted in celebrity gossip and reality shows and all that US Weekly, In Touch, Real World, Bachelor stuff, so I would use that to break the ice and base some of my material off of. What is your WW intersted in that might get her intersted in talking? What are her interests, hobbies, etc.?

Last edited by jmwc95; 05/06/10 12:42 PM.

Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
Jim's Story
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 580
G
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 580
Well she lived in brazil for years, and speaks portuguese, that's why I included the bit about the Portuguese CPT.

I am engaging her in topics of interest, and things that are happening here with me, but I don't feel the need to "spice them up." It just doesn't seem right to me. I'm trying to give our marriage a second chance, and the foundation for that is bare honesty. If it doesn't work, at least I'll know I tried my best and stayed true.

Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 3,862
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 3,862
Quote
I caught a couple thousand volts off a server rack today, for example. But I don't want to tell WW dangerous\scary stories that would make her worry.

It's interesting that you think your W is capable of taking your money while calling you an idiot but would STILL worry about your safety.

I don't think a woman like that exists. A woman who would take your money, while calling you an idiot, might not want anything bad to happen to you. But, WORRY about you? I don't think so. And the reverse is true as well. A woman who would worry about you would not take your money while calling you an idiot.

IMO, a little worry would DO her good....not to mention your M.

I say tell her what happened to you today. If your story stirs up some feelings for you that she hasn't felt for a while, That's a good thing.

Your email sounds good though...including the changes that were mentioned.


Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 895
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 895
ITA!!! A little worry would be good for her.

God's Blessings,

Say


Me, BW-57
FWH 54
4 kids and 4 grandbabies between us
In recovery since D-day, May 28,2007
FWH never onboard the MB boat but still clinging to the side.
One day at a time by God's grace.
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 3,862
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 3,862
Also, Gerk, I understand the sentiments behind wanting to protect your W from worries, but you really can't achieve the kind of H & O you hope to have w/ her if you want to "manage" her feelings, by 'sparing' her details from your life.

Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240
I too agree that you can tell her about the "scary" stuff that happens to you.

Also, ITA with you on the making up the stories part.

Although, I would not call a comedian a liar, it is also something I watch for ENTERTAINMENT. I don't call actors in movies or TV shows liars. They are "playing" someone else and I believe the same could be said about a comedian.

It's not the same thing as snooping and not telling about it though. That is something you do to protect your marriage. Even DrH says that if NO affair is discovered than the spouse who did the spying should come clean. If there is EVER evidence of an affair, then the snooping should be done indefinitely.


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
Page 46 of 91 1 2 44 45 46 47 48 90 91

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 288 guests, and 71 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
LipTor, namescreen4, Heartbrokeninsv, screenname3, Mauve
71,788 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5