Read this again. This is the reason your H needs to help you keep EPs in place. As long as you are living in the same conditions that made it possible for your infidelity, you will find yourself back here. It's not enough to 'know' that it's your responsibility.

Although I cant and won't blame anything I have done on anything but stupidity and selfishness, I have to look within to find the answers so that this never happens again. So many times I think that these problems have absolutely nothing to do with my H. It is NOT about him or anything he has or has not done. There is a link missing in me. I can look back at my life and pinpoint areas of tragedy, pain, suffering....that Im sure have created issues. I think what I have to do is move past these and look to the future of a life of living as others see me.

While it's good to reflect on your life and the good and bad things that have helped you get here, it's also important to understand that your H is pivotal in your life NOW. Your H is very much a part of the equation that makes you YOU. Don't shortchange him and his importance by thinking that he doesn't figure that large in your life when it comes to what makes you tick. I'm not saying that every negative thing you've done is his fault, not by any stretch. I'm saying he is the most important component in your main relationship right now, and that's what matters. Please don't distract yourself by childhood/growing up issues (believe me, we've all had them) and remove your H from your healing process. I think that will short-circuit you.

While your other issues may be something that looking into your past can fix, one thing is for sure: under certain conditions, every person on the planet will cheat. It's not a matter of resolve, willpower, righteousness, charity, or lack of intelligence.

HUMAN BEINGS ARE WIRED TO HAVE AFFAIRS.

Repeat that a few dozen times to yourself. Everybody would have an affair if the circumstances were right. Anybody who tells him or herself that he or she could never have an affair is deluding themselves and at much greater risk than someone who recognizes they could have an affair and must guard against it.

That's a key point to understanding the MarriageBuilders philosophy. Of course you can fall in love with more than one person. MB is about learning to love one -- and just one -- with all of your heart, might, mind, and spirit. It's about learning the precautions to put in place so you'll never be in the circumstances that could lead to an affair. It's about meeting needs and having them met so that you never feel the desire to put yourself into those situations that could lead to an affair.

You build an affair-proof marriage by your actions. Nobody is born with one, and those who have affairs aren't "broken". They are human, and either didn't know or didn't care about the boundaries they should have in place.

Now you know, and now you care. Worrying about your childhood history or other psychological issues may be a valid thing to address, but not in the context of avoiding an affair. That has a very simple, but very difficult, solution: living your life in a way consistent with having a romantic relationship with only one person for the rest of your life.

I have a question.....does my situation have potential to identify me as a sex addict? I have thought about that but always dismissed it because I have never really been INTERESTED in sex. The one affair that went PA started out as most do....talking, texting, we just had alot in common. The sex was almost an afterthought. The other A's were all with people who sexual intimacy was almost impossible because of distance. It was almost as if I deliberatly chose those who were SAFE from sexual intimacy! Any ideas are greatly appreciated!

Well, since you asked No, I don't think you're a sex addict. I DO think you're an attention/admiration seeker. Lots of waywards are.

People give you attention and you like it. It makes you feel good. Read about the Love Bank. If you let others make those deposits, their balance goes up. When you have negative encounters with your H, his balance goes down. There is not as great a chance for "withdrawls" with the other man. It's only a matter of time before someone else has a greater balance than your H.

It is your responsibility to REMOVE the conditions that made your affair possible and STOP tempting fate. What would you say if I, a chronic alcoholic, told you this:

"thanks so much to all that have given advice. It is not possible for me to stay out of bars. I feel its my responsibility to learn to live within the boundaries whether I am in the bar or not." Wouldn't that be insane?

Only a FOOL places themselves in temptation's way when they know they continually fall under those conditions. That is like continuing to play chicken and hoping you become a better chicken player. The solution is to STOP playing chicken.

Sorry, but that's hogwash. Marriage Builders is the solution to her problem. Please stop using Dr Harley's forum to mislead newcomers with your OWN agenda. NOWHERE DOES DR HARLEY say this program can't solve serial adutlery.

I agree very much. Focusing on the past is a distraction to solving current problems.

******edit******

CrushedJim...

I had those same "issues", and guess what? I was absolutely capable CHOOSING to change my behavior - which is what MB teaches - Changing my behavior by really working the MB program WORKED to change my whole outlook on self and life...Feelings follow actions, CJ - you can take that to the bank - Your wife most definitely could have CHOSEN to change her behavior and I guarantee you that if she had chosen that, her feelings would have followed...When you do good, you feel good...

What exactly would "addressing deeper issues" entail? After you answer that, can you please tell me how doing so would prevent adultery and save marriages?

Mrs. W

Please keep posts helpful and productive to this poster. Keep in mind the purpose of this forum is to help posters learn and discuss Marriage Builders. If you cannot help in that regard, please refrain from posting.

Let me say this. My H showered me with attention....affection....acts of kindness BUT it was definately not my Love Language. I have always longed for H to be the financial leader in our family, to take care of the bills, to make sure the cars are in working order, that kind of stuff. Basically I want to be taken CARE of. He wants me to do all the things he does for me and I do all the things I want him to do.

I do agree that I like the attention and admiration. I know that there are things that I will NEVER be able to do. I used to meet a group of women to do "girls night out" occassionally. That can't happen. They want to go to bars. Im not saying this bragging but for my age, I would consider myself very attractive, I work out....etc.....and I know when I go places like that, men talk to me. Probably because Im very outgoing and actually get along with men better than women. I do have to remove all the temptations.

You know, my wife gets together with girls from church, including her sisters, and they have events out ... and they don't go to bars!

There are people who don't go to bars for fun. You could find some and be friends with them.

You are right.....I know that I could go to dinner or a movie with friends that are married that don't do the bar thing. Right now, I am trying to focus on spending time with my H and doing things with him. I am, however, someone who enjoys girl company.

Your enjoying 'girl company' has led you to your enjoying 'boy company' so I suggest you change what you enjoy if you want to stay married.

Then why did you commit Adultery?

I have all of this, yet I have not had an affair.

Why is that?

Married people should not be hanging out in bars without their spouse.
I don't think married people should hang out with "Single" friends period.
Are these women married?
Do they have high morals?
Have any of them ever had an affair?

Your priorities right now are good ones, if you want to have a good marriage.

To tell if a particular chance to spend time with female friends is a good idea for your marriage or not, ask yourself these questions:
* Do my husband and I have 15 hours scheduled this week (20+ hours if one or both of you is dissatisfied with the marriage) to give each other our undivided attention, meeting each other's intimate emotional needs (recreational companionship, conversation, affection, and sexual fulfillment)? Will this interfere with one of those scheduled times?
* How does my husband feel about me going out with these people, at this time, to this place? Is he enthusiastic?
* Am I going to tell my husband everything that happens while I am out, and my reaction to it?
* Would going to this place with these girls cause me to violate the extreme precautions that I need to have in place in order to not have an affair?

ETA: And of course I forgot to mention, that once you are in love with your husband, you may discover you value him more than time with the girls. That wouldn't necessarily eliminate time with the girls, but it might change your perspective quite a bit!