It's Tax Time
By W. Bruce Cameron

"Tax season" is to taxpayers what "duck season" is to ducks. A "tax
audit," though, is different-sort of like digging up the duck and shooting
it again.

To avoid tax audits, we employ "accountants," people who can read the tax
code without sobbing. Their job is to ferret out little-known deductions,
like "D-97Z11: Deduction for Ferrets." Then you can have a conversation
like this:

Accountant: Congratulations! You'll be getting a tax refund for $1,112.02
this year because your ferret ate your sofa while Aunt Liddy was sitting on
it.

You: Hooray!

Accountant: My bill for finding this deduction is $3,233.00. But I'll put
your returns into an attractive binder.

Eventually you'll conclude that Hey I'm As Smart As Any Accountant and Can
Do My Own Taxes, which is probably true, as delusions go, but ignores one
essential truth: The tax code was written by accountants. This is like
playing football in a stadium where the referees are wearing the uniform of
the opposing team.

Even the language has been hijacked. This year, for example, the tax forms
have been simplified, as they have every year since taxes were collected
by having your crops stolen by the sheriff of Nottingham. In this sense,
"simplified" means that compared to last year, you'll find the new forms
much, much easier to be impossible to figure out.

You basically have three choices for doing your taxes: (a) take the standard
deductions, (b) itemize your deductions, or (c) tie a cement block to your
neck and jump in the river.

If you take the standard deductions, filing your return will go relatively
quickly, but chances are good you'll wind up owing more in taxes than you
actually made. If you itemize your deductions, you'll save lots of money,
at a rate of about six additional hours for every dollar reclaimed.

If you don't believe me, here are the first few questions on the new
simplified 2009 tax form:

1. What is your current status? (a) Full-time resident. (b) Part of the
time I live here, and part of the time I'm dead. (c) I have a note from my
doctor.

2. IMPORTANT: If you have a family of six or more people living in your
attic without your permission, you must complete form AQ-290-BELFRY.

3. In the movie To Kill A Mockingbird, who played the character "Boo?"

4. If you chew gum on the way to work, you may claim only the first ten
chews. (See form 21-BBL.) If you chew two pieces at once, you may double
this deduction (Form 21-DBL-BBL).

5. Do you qualify for a handicapped parking pass? If so, can we borrow it
this weekend? What, you think that's a callous thing to ask? You do
remember that we're the IRS, right?

6. If your home was struck by a hurricane or a tornado, you may deduct the
cost of rebuilding your dwelling in the same place so it will happen again.
If you had a fire, whose fault is that? Not ours, that's who. Don't try to
pay us less just because you were careless. And if kids threw toilet paper
in your trees one night, it means other people in your neighborhood hate you
besides us.

7. Go back three spaces.

8. If you purchased a lotto ticket and then sat around fantasizing about all
the stuff you would buy if you won, you must pay taxes on those items.

9. You must pay x, where (((z " ?p = pn) ? v35) + x) = 8.

10. Frankly, we're sort of disappointed at your income. We have lots of
programs to pay for, and the money for those comes from people just like you
only more successful. We've also got significant expenses for fraud and
waste. Do you think maybe you could try a little harder this year? It
wouldn't hurt you to lose a few pounds, either.

When you've answered these questions, and the 175 others just like them, you
can either (a) file your return electronically, or (b) stuff your return in
a bottle and toss it in the ocean. Neither method will give you the sense
that your work will ever been seen by another living person.

But that's okay. If your return is lost, you can always pay an accountant
to file an extension.

today'sFUNNY=============================

My pastor-husband Scott has a sweet tooth, so I knew the chocolate chip cookies I'd just baked might disappear before I returned from running errands.

To discourage him, I taped a verse on the wrapped goodies: "Everything is permissible for me -- but not everything is beneficial." - 1 Cor. 6:12.

When I returned I found half the cookies gone and another verse attached: "The righteous eat to their heart's content, but the stomach of the wicked goes hungry" - Prov. 13:25.

LOL !!!!

A tired mom opened the front door of her home to find a young minister from the neighborhood who said, "I'm collecting donations for the new children's home we're building. I hope you'll give what you can."

"To be sure," said the beleaguered woman, "I'll give you two boys, two girls, OR one of each."

today'sTHOT============================

I'd like to be the ideal mother, but I'm too busy raising my kids.

HOW TO TELL WHEN FOODS GO BAD

ICE CREAM - If you can't tell the difference between your ice cubes and your ice cream, it's time to throw BOTH out.

FROZEN FOODS - Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled (or wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.

EGGS - When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.

DAIRY PRODUCTS - Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway - if you can dig down and still find something non-green, bon appetit!

MEAT - If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three-block radius to congregate outside your house, toss the meat.

UNMARKED ITEMS - You know it is well beyond prime when you're tempted to discard the Tupperware along with the food.

CANNED GOODS - Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a softball should be disposed of very carefully.

POTATOES - Fresh potatoes should not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth.

BREAD - Sesame seeds and poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable "spots" that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green growth areas are good indications that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment. You may wish to discard it at this time, depending on your interest in pharmaceuticals.

CEREAL - It is generally a good rule of thumb that cereal should be discarded when it will no longer fall out of the box by itself.

FLOUR - Flour is spoiled when it wiggles or things fly out when you open it.

RAISINS - Raisins should not usually be harder than your teeth.

SALT - It never spoils. However, if you can't chip off reasonable amounts from the block, maybe another box is in order, as fresh salt usually pours.

SPICES - Most spices cannot die, they just fade away. They will be fine on your shelf, forever. Put them in your will.

VINEGAR - If your grandmother made it, it is probably still good.

So, who was the idiot who put a fence across the end of a busy one-way road and sat a big stage (complete w/ professional lighting and sound systems) in the middle of the street but did not put up any notices or detour signs?

***********edit************

[quote=cinderella*******edit********[/quote]
Huh?

Huh?? What you talkin' about Cinders?

[quote=cinderella********edit******* [/quote]

Cinderella, you are welcome to click ignore on my posts any time that you want. If you are going to speak publicly about me, I'll thank you to do it respectfully.

Is that supposed to be a joke? It's really not that funny.

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: �My friend is dead! What can I do?�

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: �Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.� There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: �OK, now what?�

Three men walk into a bar.



You would have thought one of them might have seen it.

A duck waddles into a bar and hops on a stool. The bartender, irritated, says, "What'll you have?"

The duck says, "Got any pickles?"

The bartender spits and says "We don't have pickles here, We serve drinks. Now get out!"

The duck hops off the stool and waddles out.

The next day, the same duck waddles into the same bar, hops on a stool, looks the bartender in the eye and asks, "Got any pickles?"

The bartender, irritated, says, "I told you yesterday we don't serve pickles here, we serve drinks, now GET OUT!"

The duck hops off the stool and waddles out.

The next days the same duck waddles into the same bar and hops on a stool, looks at the bartender, and asks: "Got any pickles?"

The bartender, infuriated, POUNDS his fist on the bar and yells at the duck. "I told you two times we don't serve pickles here, we serve drinks! If you ask me ONE MORE TIME, I'm going to nail your beak to the bar! NOW GET OUT!"

With that the duck shrugged, hopped off the stool, and waddled out.

The next day, the same duck waddled into the same bar, hopped on a stool, looked the bartender in the eye and asked: "Got any nails?"

The bartender, puzzled, said "No."

The duck then looked him square in the eye and said, "Got any pickles?"

Warning: drawn out pun ahead . . .


It's the year 2350. Humanity has spread to a few star systems, and is dedicatedly colonizing them. However, there is one discovered planet still lacking much human settlement. On this planet resides a single sentient life form. It is several hundred feet tall, and rather humanoid in form. Brain waves indicate great intelligence, and consciousness, but the creature does not move.

One day, a college student, investigating this creature for his college thesis, gets frustrated and yells out, "how can something evolve with arms and legs if it doesn't use them?"

It turns out this is the first time anyone had asked a question loud enough for the creature to hear. Presently, it stood up, (parting the clouds with its head) pondered a bit, boomed out, "IT CAN'T," and sat back down.

The student was dumbstruck. "But of course." he muttered. "It only stands to reason . . ."

Thank you, thank you, I'll be here all week

Lildoggie, you and your jokes should come with a warning;

WARNING: Do not read lildoggie's jokes unless you have a strong bladder, otherwise...you might just piddle yourself from all the laughter.

Oh man, your jokes are an accident waiting to happen, lol.