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Last night Mrs. Hold was complaining about how I am dealing with a problem at work. She thinks I am not being sufficiently forceful and proactive. I thanked her for sharing her feelings. After she went on a while, I told her that I was uncomfortable continuing the conversation. That I heard her but I was not going to implement her suggestions. I used the line from the song Jayne forwarded yesterday: "I is what I is and I aint what I aint. I am not the most forceful and aggressive person. I understand that quality holds me back at work. And it makes me less sexually desirable in your eyes. There is a limit on how much I can change myself, and I will have to learn to function in relation to those weaknesses." She agreed that she does not find that characteristic attractive.

I know, more "I can't / won't change" thinking. Which is why my marriage never improves.

I left the room and played video games until way too late. This morning Mrs. Hold woke me up to get ready for work. She apologized for criticizing me so harshly. She said "no one is perfect". I laughed and said "not even you?" She said "not even me".


When you can see it coming, duck!
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Hold, I don't think it's more "can't/won't" thinking. It is the beginning of self-acceptance.

I firmly believe that I cannont take action to change what will be until I learn to accept what is, and I can't accept what is unless I am willing to look at what drives me, my motivations.

Awareness first, then acceptance, THEN action.

Seek first to understand (myself), then be understood (by others).

Taking action first is not always the best course, because without awarenes and acceptance, I won't be able to sustain any changes anyway. Just spinning wheels and wasting time.

And our acceptance of ourselves is not conditional on someone else's acceptance of us.

I'm proud of you Hold . . . self-acceptance can be so hard, and you just experienced a little bit of it.

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HOLD the nerve of her when she is too lazy to work. Tell her (as you have asked her many times) to get a full time job.

She can see what it is like out there. Sometimes people who do not work forget the politics of working for a living.

It is ignorant of her to tell you how to do your job.

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NOW IS YOUR CHANCE, BECAUSE SHE COMPLAINED ABOUT YOU...TO ASK MRS HOLD TO GET A JOB!!!!

Today, tell her you thought about it and that she was right. You need to be more aggressive at work. Then, you realized that strength starts at home. You realized you need to be firmer at home in your own family. Because you realized that this is where the problem starts. And you realize if you are more powerful at home and work, she will be more attracted to you and this will be a win win for all. Thank her for reminding you of all this.

Ask her if she will support you in this "change" in YOU.

Then, tell her nicely that you would like her to get a full time job by June 15th.

Tell her also that you need to save money to pay off credit card debt by firing her housekeeper temporarily.

Then, ask her how she likes "the new you".

Tell her this will translate into you being braver and more assertive at work.

I think this quiet calm respectful assertiveness you can practice at home will carry over to work situations too.

What do you think, HOLD?

Last edited by Bubbles4U; 05/13/10 11:58 AM.
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HOLD, you can also tell your wife (if she balks at the new job or the lack of a housekeeper) that if you cannot control your own household, if you have no choice in your own home then you definitely will have no control over others at work.

Does she want the courageous strong new you? Or not?

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Think, I want to find out how it is going in your marriage? Have you quit yelling at your husband when he tries to communicate with you? I cannot forget that. You wanting communication from hom so badly and then when he does communicate, you shut him down in a hurtful way.

I am hoping you have resolved that. It bothers me.

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Nice day with Mrs. Hold yesterday. We went bra and bathing suit shopping. She needed new everything because she is so much smaller. She complained about certain body parts but I was thinking how great she looks compared to last summer or the summer before.

Gifts is definitely her love language.


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Today Mrs. Hold came back from exercise class and said "I talked to a psychologist in the class who says I have body dysmorphia if I think I have 20 more pounds to lose because she thinks I look tiny." I agreed she has a warped view of how much she has left to lose. But I understand her fear of gaining it back and her desire to see how low she can go.

Later, Mrs. Hold said she needed a check for the dry cleaner because she only has one pair of nice pants that fit and we are going to services at temple tonight. I wrote out a check to the dry cleaner. In the memo line, I wrote "clean Mrs. Hold's nice pants that fit her tiny butt". She laughed.


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Originally Posted By: holdingontoit
Today Mrs. Hold came back from exercise class saying "I talked to


And she just stopped like that? lol.


Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
(Oscar Wilde)
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Oops.


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Had a nice session with Mrs. Hold this morning. Told her yesterday that I wanted some time with her after she put the kids on the bus this morning. She came back from dropping off S15 and dutifully marched into the bedroom. No scurrying to the kitchen and pretending she forgot. Kudos to her for being available. In the past she would freak out if I ever mentioned future intentions. So this is a welcome and pleasant change. I know I need to be on the lookout for those. And to admit positive change IS possible. So I am memorializing it here.

Also, she spoke during. Mostly, oooh, be careful of my sore neck and shoulder. Side note: she was available despite a sore neck and shoulder!!!!! But a few times she said "thanks" or "nice to hear" when I told her how much I enjoy being with her. This is a big improvement over silent and unmoving.

Hold here, desperately trying to shoo away the dark clouds hanging over eeyore.


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Mrs. Hold kissed me on the way out the door this morning. Small gestures of Affection help alot.

I have no idea why things have changed between us. I have not been more attentive to her needs than before. But lately we are far closer to the marriage I always wanted than we ever have been.

I am trying hard to fight back the resentment and thinking "why did it take so long and why did I have to suffer so much and look how it has negatively affected my career and our finances (for which I bear much responsibility too)." We cannot reclaim the past. We can make a better future. Until the past few weeks, I did not believe that was possible. Now it seems it is. Amazing.


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Wow. That's awsome. Good updates are wonderful to hear, and especially so when coming from you, Eeyore smile

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"We cannot reclaim the past. We can make a better future." I think I am going to make a little card with that on it and put it on my bathroom mirror. I needed that.

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We had a nice weekend (as usual mostly fpcused on kid events). D13's synchro team unexpectedly qualified for nationals. Which is a good thing. Even though our schedule and budget assumed they would NOT make it. Oh well, Mrs. Hold will now have to spend a week in Buffalo and see Niagra Falls.

S15 went to an open house for a local rowing club. Not sure how he can row on top of playing several school sports but he will give it a try over the summer and see if he likes it. Mrs. Hold went with him. They are now recruiting her to row (or maybe be a coxswain). I think it would be great if they could do it together. That would be an amazing mother-son experience.


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This morning Mrs. Hold came back from dropping the kids at the bus and I was in bed. She looked at me. I said "sorry, Tuesday is not sex day." She looked at me quizzically. I continued "Wednesday is sex day. And Prince spaghetti day if you want that for dinner." She smiled. What a difference.


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smile

LA

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No session today. A tree fell on the power lines this morning and we had to drive the kids to school. I told Mrs. Hold I am sorry she got short changed today and maybe she can get lucky Friday if she treats me well between now and then.

We bought a new vacuum (got a great deal on Ebay). Mrs. Hold said she needed the extension hose so it would reach father. I said I understand ladies are always interested in having a longer hose available, and I would see what I could do. She looked at me like I was pond scum for making a sexual comment.

A couple of minutes later she came to me with her hand lotion bottle. The pump top was stuck. She said "since you are so good at pumping, I thought maybe you could fix the pumper on this." Wow! A double entendre and a sex-related compliment!

News flash: today's weather report for h3ll is snow showers followed by freezing rain.


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Quote:
News flash: today's weather report for h3ll is snow showers followed by freezing rain.


rotflmao

Yay!

Happy day, Hold.


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Seize the moment - open a ski resort!

Get in before the competition. You'll make a killing.


You're just jealous because you can't hear the voices in my head!
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