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#2375797 05/18/10 05:04 PM
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I'm kinda new to this site but not really, my husband, Wheels_spinning, showed it to me last month, and I have been addicted to it ever since LOL. A lot of great support and great advice!

Here is my story,
Wheels and I have been married for 7 years now, last July I started texting a male friend of ours, and it became an EA REAL QUICK! I didn't realize that I had some needs that were not being met because Wheels and my relationship had always been so open and honest! Family and Friends always looked up to us on how well our marriage was working, so it became a shock to me that I was having feelings for this male friend of ours. I was in denial that what I was in an EA right at the beginning. I loved my husband, and I told my male friend this plenty of times, but I would not stop what I was doing, because at the time it was "harmless" the EA lasted for about 3 months. Wheels confronted me about it and I did not want to lie to him, mostly because I was glad that he found out, not in a bad way, but in a good way that we will be able to start working on our marriage.

Months go by, and I kept telling myself that everything will be fine until....I found someone to vent with. LADIES! PLEASE DO NOT VENT WITH MALE FRIENDS! Anyway needless to say I was having another EA months later with another close friend of ours, someone we new for 5 years! The first EA was only months after meeting him. With the second EA it was quicker then the first, I actually fell in love with him within weeks! And by then my feelings for Wheels were totally gone, I was a different person my family, friends, and kids saw this. And because I had so much FOG in front of me I didn't realize I was hurting my own family! DENIAL DENIAL DENIAL! It's amazing how just one little word can ruin your WHOLE LIFE!

During the second EA I would not end it. Wheels found out right when it started (because of the patterns...he's a very smart man) we did MC, read together, etc. I was literally sabotaging my marriage, and my own life just to be with this other man. Because I was not ending the relationship, I kept telling myself "I'll do MC, and if I still feel the same way in the next 9 month then its over" You see ladies or gentleman "what you think about, you bring about" and that is totally TRUE! If you think your marriage is going to end...IT WILL! And that my friend is called "self sabotage!"

Wheels knew exactly what he had to do, he had to expose this EA, only a hand full of people knew this was going on, and Wheels knew that this would devastate the affair! And it did! After the exposure I was sure never to see Wheels ever again. I hated him at that point, and threatened him with everything you can think of. I was the one that left, he didn't give me the Plan B letter, I volunteered to leave. Not to the other man, you see at this point I realized I was messed up, and I knew I needed help mentally. So I went to my sisters in Colorado knowing full well what my intentions were and they where:

Fix me emotionally
and to never see Wheels ever again
I wouldn't have any contact with ANYONE (except my two boys)even the other man.

My main purpose was to literally fix myself cause I knew I was emotionally broken, and I couldn't do that with Wheels around, not when I had so much resentment inside myself.

Within 6 hours LITERALLY!! 6 hours of me being there something changed. I don't know what to call it, other than a "Change of heart"

These were the facts that I strongly believed:
I was not happy
I was in emotional pain for 9 months (during the EA)
I was different, not myself.
I did not love myself
I punished myself for the things I was doing to my family
I was self sabotaging my life

After 6 hours I realized what I needed to do, I needed to get MY LIFE back! My husband! My kids! And everything that made me so happy before those EA!

Satan has one purpose in this life, and that is to break families apart! WHY? because there is so much LOVE there, the reason why I wasn't myself because I believed it really wasn't me. Yes, I knew the actions of what I was doing, but if you read all of these posts you realize there is a pattern that is identical! Every WH or WW say's the exact same thing! I couldn't believe it until I read them! Because I SAID THE SAME WORDS! And guess what? You want to know who put those words in your WW or WH mind? SATAN!

It has been almost 3 months since the exposure and let me tell you how the facts are NOW:
I am soo much happier
I feel humble and blessed with the great husband that I have
I feel love in my family now
I feel remorse on what I did to my family

If you have an questions please ask!

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Welcome, SR.


How are you doing with protecting your marriage from future affairs? Do you have concrete plans in place now? Things that we call Extraordinary Precautions - such as not being alone with other men, not spending the night away from home without Wheels being with you, giving Wheels all your passwords and emails...etc.?

Also, have the two of you begun the MB programs, filled out Emotional Needs Questionnaires?

I am happy to hear about your change of heart. I have read the posts from your BH, and am happy to see your marriage is coming into recovery!


Lucky to be where I am, in a safe place to get marriage-related support.
Recovered.
Happy.
Most recent D-day Fall 2005
Our new marriage began that day. Not easily, but it did happen.
schoolbus #2375863 05/18/10 07:25 PM
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SR

Welcome to Marriage Builders!


Quote
It has been almost 3 months since the exposure and let me tell you how the facts are NOW:
I am soo much happier
I feel humble and blessed with the great husband that I have
I feel love in my family now
I feel remorse on what I did to my family


Your post made my day.

Nesre

Last edited by nesre; 05/19/10 06:01 PM. Reason: Tipo

M 29 yrs
DS 28 DD 18
Me 53 FWH FBS
MTA signed 5/11/2011
D final 5/16/2011

Free.... and going wherever the big guy wants me to go......
nesre #2375955 05/18/10 11:47 PM
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Oh yes I am doing everything in my power to prevent an future affairs! Here is what I am doing:

1. No talking to male friends with out Wheels there that includes talking on the phone, txt, and emails. If I am talking to an old friend Wheels is present. But that happens very rarely!

2. He has all my passwords to everything!

3. I do not delete any text messages, so he can see them all!

4. We are doing the MB, Refraining form LB, fulfilling each other needs, practicing openness and honesty with our feelings, spending 15 hours of UA per week, setting goals for the future.

5. I am also respecting Wheels as a husband.

6. Keeping myself busy during the day while he is gone, but as soon as he is home I am there kissing him and hugging him!

I can probably go on FOR EVER! smile

I just hope that I can help other people who are in the same situation! Even if we are only in our 3rd month of recovery!

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That's all great. I wish you both well.

A little advice....hang onto the memories of these happy bonding moments, so if/when the "resentment" pops up after your husband is out of the intinial hysterical bonding phase, you'll have something to hold onto. Anger is often a part of the grieving process, along with other emotions.


Husband was unfaithful to me before and after our marriage, at least 7 times. I found out 13 yrs into the marriage. Trickle truth for an entire year. Several different d-days, so it was more like a d-year. Difficult recovery.



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Wheels_spinning is an awesome guy who was brave enough to do what it took to stand up for your marriage! Bravo to Wheels_spinning! hurray


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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What a fantastic post!! Can this be added to the notable post thread??!! This is the ultimate example of MB plans executed at their finest! The viewpoint of a FWS is so critical - too many new BS's are afraid to conduct the plans because they worry how their WS will react. You eliquently explain exactly how a wayward feels and reacts, and how critical things like exposure set the right things in motion to stop the affair and bring the wayward to his/her senses.

Congratulations on your recovery!

Tabby1 #2376039 05/19/10 08:45 AM
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Mopey, I think it was all the happy memories I had with Wheels that kept me going. Like I said I was married 6 years when the EA happened and even though I said FOG babble "wasn't happy for years" BLA BLA BLA BLA....I was very happy in those years!

Right now I have NO anger or resentment on my DH he is and always will be the best man I know!

TY Melody! I know you helped out a lot! He always talks about some of the people here that helped him and you were one of them smile

Tabby I will ask Wheels on how to do that, I'm still kinda new here and wouldn't know how to do it smile

Wheels just left for work and I already miss him! I have a full day to keep my mind off things, but right now I just miss him! He slept in this morning because of the thunder storm that kept him up. My favorite thing from Wheels is when he cuddles me in the morning, that was actually one of the first things I fell in love with, the way he held me smile

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Thanks babe! For trying so hard to work things out with me...BTW, I have no idea how to make this a notable post.

Anyhow, I am always amazed at how things worked out after exposure. I had a Plan A ready, a Plan B, and was expecting to put kids in daycare while I was at work and sapphire was out of town. I was ready for a long drawn out month after month battle, but it was really sapphire that had the surprising change of heart. She made things come together. After she realized that she needed to fix herself then everything else was easy. I wish other WS could turn around like sapphire. She is just amazing, and so willing to fix our marriage with me. I super appreciate that.

We were in the honeymoon phase of our marriage for the first 3-5 years. Now its like we are in that phase again. Only things are better now because we are avoiding LB's working on needs, and spending time together. Sometime I feel that we should spend more time with the kids, but when we are happy the kids are more disciplined, behave better, and our household is generally a better place.

Every once in a while I start thinking "What if...." Like what if this happens again. Or what if I lower my boundaries and I cheat? What if we end up being unhappily married for 50 years? I really have to force those thoughts out of my mind, and focus on trying to affair proof our marriage, and focus on making positive happy memories. If I do that then those "What if..." thoughts don't matter.

Thanks everyone for the good advice given on here, and we are so ready to try to help others.

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OMG!! I have the biggest smile on my face with my eye's a little watery! I was so not expecting you to post something, and I LOVE THAT!! I think that adds about 50 points in the $LB smile

I think you should never pull down your boundaries, ever! Boundaries are not bad its what keeps marriage a live and happy! They will be the vital part in the next 20, 30, 50 years in our marriage, and I am totally on your boat!

Anyway kids are doing great just playing around the house, gunna help Elliot with his R's now I'll send a pix text to you so you can see how great he is on writing! He's so smart just like his daddy! smile

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Awwww...you kids!
kiss


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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SR- Thanks for sharing your side. It is refreshing to see a 'good news' post in the midst of so much pain and suffering. I wish you and WS the best. He is a good man. I am very happy for you BOTH.


-SOL
_SOL #2376159 05/19/10 12:05 PM
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Congrats to you both, I wish you best of luck.

My wish is that more BS are like Wheels.


Her side is also here.

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Great to hear a success story!

Originally Posted by deerhunter71
My wish is that more BS are like Wheels.

In what way? How he acted during the affair or now?

It takes a lot of hard work and effort from a wayward spouse including radical honesty, true remorse and evidence of changed behavior to evoke this type of a reaction from a betrayed spouse.

It's truly awesome that W&S are happy and in love with each other once again. I'm so happy for you both!

But to deerhunter:

Q: Whose responsibility is it for me to be in love with my husband?

A: His (Not mine ... learned this one from Steve Harley.)

If my spouse fails to create the conditions that allow me to fall/be in love with him, I will not be in love with him. He needs to make me feel safe and cared for first and then work diligently on meeting my emotional needs. (and thankfully he is!)

Until then ...

No romantic love.




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Originally Posted by Wheels_spinning
and we are so ready to try to help others.

hurray for this!!! PLEASE do stick around! I think [though I have obvious bias grin] that it is AWESOME when recovering/recovered couples stay and help others apply the MB Program! I always wish there were more!

A big welcome to SR! smile

The two of you here helping TOGETHER, will work wonders for your marriage if your experience in any way resembles ours. It gives us even more common ground and helps us to remain focused on our marriage and how important it is...I think this place is a GODSEND!

I'm very happy the two of you are here! dance2

Mrs. W


FWW ~ 47 ~ Me
FBH ~ 50 ~ MrWondering
DD ~ 17
Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered

Delta_ #2376182 05/19/10 12:27 PM
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Originally Posted by DeltaDrDeceit
Great to hear a success story!

Originally Posted by deerhunter71
My wish is that more BS are like Wheels.

In what way? How he acted during the affair or now?

It takes a lot of hard work and effort from a wayward spouse including radical honesty, true remorse and evidence of changed behavior to evoke this type of a reaction from a betrayed spouse.

It's truly awesome that W&S are happy and in love with each other once again. I'm so happy for you both!

But to deerhunter:

Q: Whose responsibility is it for me to be in love with my husband?

A: His (Not mine ... learned this one from Steve Harley.)

If my spouse fails to create the conditions that allow me to fall/be in love with him, I will not be in love with him. He needs to make me feel safe and cared for first and then work diligently on meeting my emotional needs. (and thankfully he is!)

Until then ...

No romantic love.

I think DH71 meant unafraid to act and quit putting up with abuse. Wheels exposed, deleted contact info, cut out the computer, basically did everything he could to confront and end the affair. There are plenty of BSs that just allow themselves to get walked on and are afraid to do anything for fear of upsetting their WS.

Last edited by jmwc95; 05/19/10 12:28 PM.

Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
Jim's Story
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Originally Posted by deerhunter71
My wish is that more BS are like Wheels.

If you mean how he is during the recovery phase - as in now, then I think you'll find that he would not be as he is without an honest, humble, repentant FWS willingly meeting his ENs. A FWS willing to "do whatever it takes for as long as it takes" is hugely, hugely important...

Mrs. W


FWW ~ 47 ~ Me
FBH ~ 50 ~ MrWondering
DD ~ 17
Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered

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Originally Posted by MrsWondering
A FWS willing to "do whatever it takes for as long as it takes" is hugely, hugely important...

Amen. It means everything.


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Originally Posted by deerhunter71
My wish is that more BS are like Wheels.
I read into this as DH71 wishes that he and B5S could recover better than they are right now. A little DJ on your part DH for wishing your wife were able able to act like someone else. I wonder if I read into that right. If not, then I am sorry for my quick judgement.

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Lunch time...Time to canoodle with saph!

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