Just out of curiosity how soon after you began a relationship did you marry your new partner? And how did that new relationship fair?

I am super analytical and have in my real life several instances of quick paced relationships that have lasted longer and been happier than relationships that stretched out for years.

My parents became engaged after 2 months, married after 13 months from the day they met. Married 28 happy years.

My grandmother and step grandfather married just a few weeks after her divorce was final and have been married for 40 years. (not an affair...met during separation and he wanted to take care of my grandmother and father)

My grandfather and step-grandmother were married the same day as my grandparents divorce and have been married for 40 years (yes it was an affair originally...not saying its okay, but they have been happy)

My sister and brother in law decided to get married after 4 months of dating...since they were in school at the time they waited until they had been together 3 years, but they knew at 4 months. Married 7 years, together 10.

One of my great grandfather's married my great grandmother after 2 weeks and had a happy marriage for several decades...I think 40 or maybe 50 years until his death.

My boss met her hubby in May, started dating in June, married in August almost 20 years ago!

A young lady I know moved in with her BF the same day she met him, had a baby 10 months later, married him 1 year after that and they are still together and happy.


I am now with someone and have been for several months and we are happy, in love and so compatible according to the areas that Dr. Harley specifies as important. We are considering marrying in Dec of this year.

On the flip side I have seen relationships where people were together for years and either didn't ever end up married or ended up divorced.

My first marriage we were together for almost two years before our wedding, because I was nervous and felt something "not quite right" about the relationship...but he seemed so perfect. From a good family, supposedly good values, we "talked" about all the right issues...mostly I talked and he agreed (lied) that he felt the same way. We separated 2 weeks before our 3rd anniversary and were divorced before our 4th.

A girl I work with has been with her fiance for 2 1/2 years and she feels that she isn't really sure about the marriage. Previously she was married to a man she was with for a couple of years before they married and they divorced after 4 or 5 years.

My mother's first marriage took place after they had been together for almost 2 years I believe and she divorced him after 18 months because he was doing and selling drugs, which she hadn't know about before thier marriage.


I know that "people" think that fast marriages are wrong...but I also feel that sometimes you just know. I never "just knew" with my X. I always felt off even though it all looked good. Now I feel deep inside that I am with the right man and people tell me that I am probably making a mistake.

Maybe you are with the right man, but what's the rush?

I read an article recently written by a marriage expert who said that in all her years of talking to and studying happily married couples, she has yet to meet one who says that they should have moved their relationship along faster.

I think some people are just lucky. I think some people are smart enough to see what they're getting into first (as much as anyone can). And I think some people don't have the sense to listen to the caution bells going off. Others get fooled, no matter how little or long they're together. In other words, I don't think you can always base it on how long you're together but it does help to know each other well first.

I think it's about how well you know one another as well. It's also about how well you know yourself. Honestly I didn't know myself all that well when I marrried my XH.

But since our divorce I have done a lot of work on me. I saw where I caused issues in our M and I have made adjustments in myself that help me to be more successful in a relationship. I wouldn't have known those things about myself and be able to share them with M (my BF) along with concerns that I have if I hadn't married XH.

I am in so many ways a different person than I was 5 yrs ago or 2 yrs ago and I realize that certain things are worth fighting over and somethings need to roll off.

M and I are happy together and honestly I don't worry about what "people" think so much as my family...specifically my mother. Because even though she got engaged and married quickly I can promise she would freak if I did. I want to talk to her, but she is the only person that I haven't gotten over worrying what she thinks...it's a big hurdle for me. I guess posting here was kind of practice for what I know I need to say to her sometime soon. Luckily M will be there with me so that my parents know he is sincere in his desire to marry me and help me raise my son.

FWIW, my parents got married 4 months after meeting each other, and are still married 50 years later. My ex and I got married 8 months after meeting, and, well, she's an ex. My present wife and I waited two years before getting married, and that felt like about the right time. We knew from day one that we were right for each other, but there was no harm at all in waiting and making sure that the feeling was correct. As others said, I see no reason to rush.

Keep in mind that regarding the stories of parents and grandparents, divorce was not as rampant in their generations as it is now, so people stayed together no matter what and toughed it out and even became happy. These days folks bolt at first sign of unhappiness.

So how long have you known M, and have long has each of you been divorced?

Good points, both of you. I'd also thought about how times have changed and people used to stick it out, they took their vows seriously.

I would be careful about assuming that quick engagments are better because you've seen longer marriages. Few people see inside another person's marriage.

I date Mike 3 years before marrying him. I don't regret the time we took. Rushing into marriage wouldn't have made those three years better.

I think you really should wait until the physical attraction has lost its power to blind. That seems about a year. Until you've been through a year, you don't really know enough about the person. You know certain sides of them.

I think alot of factors come in to play, mostly the fact that any relationship takes work from both sides. It depends on how hard u r willing to work. I met my ex, three months later we were pregnant and planning a wedding, married a year later. First seperation was about two years later when he cheated , then six months later we got back together. Eight years later split up again. This time for good. It truly does take alot about knowing yourself and knowing what u want in a spouse/partner/mate. I know for a fact that the man I am with now, if I would have met him 5-10 years ago, there is no way we would be together. I dud not look for the same qualities in a man then as I do today. We have been dating about a year and even though I am no where near ready to get married, I can see myself with him for the rest of my life. As long as things do not change. I think people do change and are capable of becoming someone u do not want to be with. So to me the old saying of "people don't change" is completly false. Life experience itself can make u change. And as I read in an earlier post, people opt out more often than they use to. They run to a lawyer at first sign of trouble instead of working on the commitment they made. I say give it time. Being together is together married or not. It's only a piece of paper that puts legal demands on u both.

AGG - Yes I know that with stories of parents and grandparents that people didn't divorce as easily. But the grandparents that I talked about were all divorced before they married one another. So that doesn't seem to bear much weight there. Also my mother was divorced before she married my dad. And yes I did ask for my divorce, so I guess maybe I am one of the people that rushes to the lawyers at the first sign of unhappiness, but I think that I did the best I could. My XH started cheating on me before we were even married and I didn't find out until after we were married a little more than a year. The inappropriate behavior continued for two more years, while I begged, pleaded, cried and did everything he asked in "changes" that were supposed to make him happy enough to not cheat on me anymore. When I realized that it was never going to change and I couldn't let my son grow up seeing that type of relationship I left. That was two years ago. My divorce was final over a year ago, but my marriage ended on June 13, 2008. M has never been married. We have been together for 6 months.

Greengables - I don't understand how anyone can make a blanket statement about how long it takes for two individual people to know one another. Because its about individuals...M and I work hard to share everything about ourselves with one another, because it's important. And I'm not just talking about the funny, superficial, "let's get to know each other" stuff. I know what he felt like growing up when his parents divorced and with his respective step-parents, one of which was really awful to him and eventually abandoned his father and and two half sisters. I know about the terrible decisions he made after he moved across the country and the fact that he changed his entire life after one of his best friends killed himself and it made M realize that he was wasting his entire life. I know extremely personal things that were and still can be very painful to him. I also know he is the strongest, most amazing, loving man I have ever known. I have shared with him the reasons for and feelings about my divorce. He knows that my child is my heart and I would give anything to ensure he is cared for. M knows my hurts and fears and I am completely open to him because that's how it should be when you love someone. I never had that with my XH...never.

L2L - You are right people can change, but that is the chance you take whether you marry early or wait years. Either way after marriage someone can change into someone you don't even like. That's why a commitment to being there for each other is important. That's why putting each other first and being committed to the relationship is crucial and I already know this. And "dating" together is entirely different from "married" together. If it wasn't this type of website wouldn't exist.

It's interesting that you say this L2L. I do look for the same qualities in a man that I looked for when I married XH...only now I understand that when you have a gut feeling that the qualities that the person is showing are not true you should listen to it.

XH appeared on the surface to have the qualities and values I find important. He said all the right things, but it turns out he wasn't being honest with me and really probably not even with himself. He truly thought that how was presenting himself was how he really was...only he was fooling everyone. Even his parents didn't suspect his behavior.

I have learned that actions do speak louder than words and when someones actions don't match what they say you should pay closer attention to what they do. So while the qualities I look for in a person are the same: Honesty, Loyalty, Similar Values, Responsibility, Family Oriented, etc; the way I look for them has changed. The way I evaluate compatibility is different.

Melissa,

I hear you, and I understand what you are saying about your BF sharing his private life with you and vice versa. That is all well and good, and is very important.

What I am saying, though, is that openness does not replace compatibility. Just because someone is willing to share all their secrets and fears with you does not make them compatible with you (I know you know that, I'm just saying).

In other words, just because someone opens up and you think "Wow, he is so open, and what he is saying really speaks to me" does not replace the question of what you still do not know about him, that can only be learned by spending time together rather than talking. How people handle holidays, seasons, stress, and other situations is something you often do not know until you experience it. There is a lot to be learned about compatibility that takes time to learn.

I am not saying he is wrong for you, I am just asking what is the rush to get married? I can tell you that I met a number of women post my divorce that seemed like "the one", that after several months of dating did not pan out. So why rush it?

AGG

I understand what everyone is saying. I just wish that people in my real life would trust my judgement I suppose. I'm not asking for anyone here to give me thier blessing on my relationship. Not to sound offensive, but none of you folks know me or have any real care for me at all. Not that you should, we are on an anonymous forum.

But I feel like I am being looked at in a negative light because of my divorce. It's almost as if people in my life seem to think that because I was fooled at 19 by a guy who was not at all who he said he was I am unable to make sound decisions now at the age of 26. My sister actually made the statement very early in my relationship with M that he might not be what I think because I have a "pretty crappy track record" when it comes to relationships. My mother acts as if I am an idiot and unable to behave as a competent adult. They have all met M and feel that he is a good man and know he is wonderful to me and my son. But because I married XH and got lied to I can't possibly be in a good relationship now. It's just so frustrating.

I'm not saying that you have a crappy track record because you are divorced, since that would mean that all of us on this board have crappy track records. I will say that most of us on this board agree that we wish we had taken more time picking our first spouses than we did.

So, is there any reason why you are not answering the question we keep asking you - "why the rush"?

AGG

Well AGG to be honest, to me it doesn't feel "rushed". Its only the societal perception of a "fast" relationship. To me it feels like we are on exactly the right track. M and I are both so happy with where we are. It's other people's opinion that we are moving too fast. I suppose if we only saw each other a day or two each week and were trying to then say we are ready to make this committment it would feel rushed, but we spend time together almost every single day. When we can actually see each other we talk on the phone.

I understand what you mean about the stress etc. and needing to know how each of us handles things like that. We have been through much of that type of thing together. My job has been very stressful recently and I have been under much stress. He is supportive and helpful, even when I am cranky and out of sorts. His job has also had some stress situations in the last months which he has had to deal with and I have done everything I can to support him. Each of us has dealt with illness and tried to help take care of each other through it. We talk about money issues, parenting, life goals, plans for the future and ways to make it all happen. According to Dr. Harley compatibility is based on 4 major factors: Intelligence, Energy, Social Interest, Cultural Background.

M and I have similar Intelligence and are able to have very interesting, engaging conversation. We each have our own areas where we have better understanding of a subject than the other, but neither of us is condesending about it. We have similar levels of energy and both tend to be more introverted "homebodies". We have similar cultural backgrounds though our families of origin are different in many ways. We do know each other and are committed to making our relationship work regardless of difficulties. Abuse or infidelity are the only reasons we would part ways and if we work at our relationship and do our best to love and care for one another in every way niether of those things will be a serious concern.

I used to think the same way, Melissa. I guess my own experiences, my 10 years on this board, my reading of books and listening to experts, and my own observations, have taught to me to give these things more time, because I do not see a big downside compared to the upside.

But I know that younger folks tend to want to move things quicker . My advice would be to at least listen to those around you, they often have a much more impartial view of things than you do.

AGG

What does age have to do with it? Why is that the deciding factor in whether someone is able to make sound decisions? This is a common statement to me, about lots of things...I was told that I was "young" when I decided to marry the first time, when my XH and I bought a home, when I changed my major in college, when we had a baby, and again when I divorced. When do I stop being "too young"?

U know u asked for opinions and when u got them u want to justify why everything u r saying is right?? I don't get it? I do not think I'm right or wrong and know that every person and situation is different. But don't Take a jam at every one who does not agree with u! That's what an opinion is!! If u r happy and it feels right in ur heart who gives a crap what other people think.

When do you stop being too young?

Probably when you stop complaining about people suggesting you err on the side of caution. Some people never stop being too young.

You can make your own decisions. No one can stop you. if your family and friends are telling you to slow down, why not? What harm will happen if you don't get engaged for another eight months?

I'd ask what is the worst that can happen, but I know that answer. I can tell you now if the worst happens it won't matter if you got married or not, except in a financial way and you won't care about that. Anything short of death, you can deal with.

Ah age would be a factor to me in the fact that now that I am older, I do have different qualities I look for in a man. And those things changed because #1 I am older and more mature #2 life experience.

Melissa, you said I was making blanket statements. But these statements are based on what numerous relationship counselors have written. A year is important because it allows a couple to see each other in a myriad of different circumstances that anything less than a year doesn't afford. Also, a year is about the time that lust takes to wear off. Physically, our bodies adjust to the other body and no longer cloud our instincts with hormones urging us to mate. So, I'm not making a blanket statement. There is qualitative and quantitative evidence to support my statement.

Since you're an analytical sort, you will see the flaw in the logic of your last statement. Just because you never had the kind of openess of communication with your ex-husband that you have with this man doesn't mean this new man is a good life-long mate for you. Openess and honesty can be important, but they aren't the only criteria.

There are tons of other areas of compatibility that can be masked be the excellent behavior we all are one when we first date. And some of us, because of our own insecurites, will try to be what you want rather than what we are. After a year, the effort of trying to be something not quite us becomes tiring and the real us leaks out. The closet conservative drops a remark that sends the big government liberal into a tail spin. Or the neat freak rears her ugly head when the dishwasher is load wrong for the upteenth time. I'm not saying this is you or M. I'm just saying that time will tell. Better give it time to tell BEFORE it takes lawyers to end the relationship.

If you wait another year, what will you have lost?