Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 11 of 47 1 2 9 10 11 12 13 46 47
chrisner #2381319 05/28/10 12:52 PM
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 6,058
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 6,058
Page 14 and NOW you believe us?

BTinTrouble #2381320 05/28/10 12:52 PM
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 398
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 398
well, not sure...

I need some advice on how to handle WW right now, should i continue exposing and have her hear that I know from someone else? or should I call her first?

What do I do with suspected OM? The VAR Man doesnt really sound like him the few words he says. So I am not sure...

omg... ouch, it hurts...

Keeping my heart rate around 100 (which is good, it was about 140 while listening to the thing for the first time, normal resting rate is about 70 bpm)


Lifelong recovery never ends.

BTinTrouble #2381321 05/28/10 12:53 PM
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 398
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 398
Mark, I deserve that. I know I do.

It still hurts.

Just letting you know...


Lifelong recovery never ends.

chrisner #2381322 05/28/10 12:53 PM
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 2,965
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 2,965
Your last encounter with her today was a pretty good way to end Plan A and begin Plan B.

Pack her up.


Testosterone boys! Testosterone! It ain’t just for nose, ear and back hair anymore!
chrisner #2381323 05/28/10 12:55 PM
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 398
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 398
But Chrisner...

Plan B is not a "punishment," its to protect MY love bank.

I am good on LB$ inventory. I still want her. I can Plan A for a while yet. I dont think that would be using Plan B as its intended.

Now maybe Plan B to protect my SON from her? IDK.

Thoughts?


Lifelong recovery never ends.

BTinTrouble #2381324 05/28/10 12:55 PM
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 642
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 642
Originally Posted by BTinTrouble
ok...

VAR only recorded about 6 minutes. It only triggered when the bed was moving...

guess which 6 minutes it caught? It would trigger with the bed moving and record for a while.

It is soul shattering.

There are 7 DISTINCT times when I hear A mans voice or grunts or whatever, and 2 more when I am not sure, and 1 of those instances she asks him to turn the light off, showing that its not the TV since she was talking TO someone.

So yeas, evidence.
I was planning to expose this weekend anyway, so I think I will ocntinue to do that.

Yes, soul shattering is a good way to put it. BT, i know you won�t believe this right now, but it IS going to be ok. Right now your only job is to try to breathe. You know now. Keep calm even though you want to vomit, and if you do that�s ok too, we�ve all done it.

I remember the same feeling when my WW swore to me it was all over and then I found used condom packets in the bedroom. It is horrible.

Time to breathe and plan. Exposure now is a must and you have all you need. It is the OM you thought it was, don�t worry about computer matching voices and all. Your gut is telling you what you need to know.

Get your exposure letter together and post it. It is actually good she is away this weekend, you can start to process this and do your nuclear exposure and get our advice for dealing with her incredible anger when she finds out and is on her way home.

Keep posting, it�s gonna be ok. Every single one of us has made it through this alive.

SWW

Joined: May 2008
Posts: 642
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 642
This aint over by a long shot! It is only getting started, but now you have the weapons, the intel and the plan to fight!!!

No plan B now, expose, plan A, reverse babble, it is all coming together just like we said it would.

SWW

Last edited by sickwithworry; 05/28/10 12:59 PM.
BTinTrouble #2381329 05/28/10 12:58 PM
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 2,965
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 2,965
My VAR recording put a 25mm round right through the old love bucket. There was nothing left.

But if you can keep going after that it's your choice.

Finish your exposure to all and then call her back home.

Last edited by chrisner; 05/28/10 01:10 PM.

Testosterone boys! Testosterone! It ain’t just for nose, ear and back hair anymore!
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 738
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 738
Originally Posted by BTinTrouble
ok...

VAR only recorded about 6 minutes. It only triggered when the bed was moving...

guess which 6 minutes it caught? It would trigger with the bed moving and record for a while.

It is soul shattering.

There are 7 DISTINCT times when I hear A mans voice or grunts or whatever, and 2 more when I am not sure, and 1 of those instances she asks him to turn the light off, showing that its not the TV since she was talking TO someone.

So yeas, evidence.
I was planning to expose this weekend anyway, so I think I will ocntinue to do that.


BT, so sorry to read this latest development. I know what it was like seeing PICTURES of them together - I can only imagine what it would be like hearing it.

Are you sure you can Plan A for a while? My advice would be - if you think you can, go ahead, but in the meantime get everything ready for a very quick and swift Plan B. Trust me. Your mind can change in a second....you've read my thread so you know how fast it happened for me.

Get going with exposure. It'll be okay. {{{BT}}}


Me: BW, 27
Him: WH, 29
DD 4
DS 1
Married 07/25/09
A began end of 08/2009 (possibly sooner)
D-Day: 3/31/10
2nd D-Day: 4/9/2010
3rd D-Day: 4/21/10

Plan B (shortlived as it was): 18/05/10
WH decides to work on marriage: 20/05/10
False Recovery, Back to Plan B: 13/08/10

Filed for D Feb 2011, D April 2012

Looking forward to the sunshine and rainbows life should hold for us all!
NewPetals #2381333 05/28/10 01:09 PM
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 2,305
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 2,305
BT listen to SWW, NUCLEAR EXPOSURE and post to get advice on dealing with her anger and fog bable when she finds out.

She is going to be angry but she will get over it. And keep breathing, it will be okay......

Still_Crazy #2381334 05/28/10 01:12 PM
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 642
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 642
BT,

I have to go to the airport to pick up my son. I will be back later. I posted a thread asking some of the vets to check in on you.

Keep breathing dude!

It's time for us all to help you put up the fight you need to put up to save your M.

I told you before, it is going to be alright!

SWW

Last edited by sickwithworry; 05/28/10 01:14 PM.
Still_Crazy #2381341 05/28/10 01:18 PM
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 398
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 398
K, continueing on with Exposure. Calling the Radio Show in 42 minutes, will maybe get more info there.

NP, good point. Yes I am sure I can Plan A for a while, but you are also right. I will start looking up Day Care for my son and consider a lawyer so I can evict her if needed.


Lifelong recovery never ends.

Still_Crazy #2381346 05/28/10 01:23 PM
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818
Likes: 7
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818
Likes: 7
BT, I am so sorry.

Remember, BT, she's been wayward for awhile. It was wayward for her to date outside of your marriage.

I know this makes it more tragic, though, and I am so sorry you and your son are having to go through this.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
BTinTrouble #2381348 05/28/10 01:25 PM
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818
Likes: 7
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818
Likes: 7
Originally Posted by BTinTrouble
K, continueing on with Exposure. Calling the Radio Show in 42 minutes, will maybe get more info there.

NP, good point. Yes I am sure I can Plan A for a while, but you are also right. I will start looking up Day Care for my son and consider a lawyer so I can evict her if needed.

What you need to do is start making Plan B preparations immediately, but don't pull that trigger until you've done a good Plan A, and definitely don't pull that trigger (the Plan B trigger) until you've talked to Steve Harley.

The carrot of Plan A, the stick of Plan A, and the preparations for being able to start Plan B at a moment's notice.

You're going to have a lot of questions for what all that entails. Take it as slow as you need to to get good answers to your questions and make a good plan.

You can do this.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
markos #2381353 05/28/10 01:36 PM
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 2,305
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 2,305
BT you will be okay just keep breathing and keep exposing, the more the better.

Anyone that will HELP you fight for your marriage, if you do not think they will help don't bother telling them.

And find the OMW NOW and expose to her!

Still_Crazy #2381356 05/28/10 01:37 PM
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818
Likes: 7
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818
Likes: 7
I'll be listening for you on the radio show.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
markos #2381361 05/28/10 01:41 PM
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 2,965
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 2,965
Where was your 15 month old son during the recording?


Testosterone boys! Testosterone! It ain’t just for nose, ear and back hair anymore!
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 9
F
Junior Member
Offline
Junior Member
F
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 9
So sorry to see this BT,

**I AM NOT A LAWYER***
I just wanted to note that since you are in NC, you have some extra legal tools at your disposal that most people in these situations dont have access to, including filing with fault under adultery, 'alienation of affection' and 'divorce from bed and board'. Im not sure you are aware of these but it might be important to bear them in mind as you proceed.

Even if you dont want or intend to divorce her, it might be good for her (and OM) to know that you have the power to turn her out of the home with no immediate access to joint money or assets, you will never pay her any alimony, she may have to immediately demonstate the ability to house and support your son or else you could get full temporary custody, her adultery may be considered when assessing permanent custody, and you can sue the OM for millions of dollars and possibly get a RO against him being around your son. All of this can put you in a pretty significant position of power over your situation, which is a luxury I dont think many BSs have.

However, all of these require 'proof by greater weight of the evidence' of physical adultery. My understanding is that you have records of high phone use and a difficult to hear VAR. Im afraid that these might not be sufficient proof, especially if its difficult to make out voices. I will not suggest holding off on exposure since that seems to be the first order of business on these forums, but I dont think any other state has such tough laws that you can employ so people on here may not immediately consider these. I really suggest you talk to a lawyer ASAP to figure out what tools you have at your disposal, and whether you require more concrete evidence of adultery. Im just afraid that once you expose, this could get much more difficult to obtain.

Good luck!

fade #2381371 05/28/10 01:50 PM
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818
Likes: 7
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818
Likes: 7
I think you should spend enough time prepping a good list of people to expose to before you start. A really good list. Exposure needs to be a tsunami of truth that overwhelms the affair. EVERYBODY important, all in the same day. Don't trickle it out, and don't jump into it real fast if all you're going to do is trickle it out.

Build it up and then go nuclear.

Feel free to get the other parts of your plans in place, as well.

Just my opinion. You'll be getting lots of opinions.

Stay strong. You can fight this.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
markos #2381373 05/28/10 01:51 PM
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 2,305
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 2,305
BT your son is with you now right?

Page 11 of 47 1 2 9 10 11 12 13 46 47

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 1,071 guests, and 57 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mike69, petercgeelan, Zorya, Reyna98, Nofoguy
71,829 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5