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So this morning it dawned on me one of the reason's I have withdrawn from the situation some. One of the reasons I married my husband was because I felt safe and secure with him. For the first year of our marriage, I could not rest until he was in the room with me.


Now that safety and security has been shaken to its very core. And I am afraid I will never feel safe again because of this type of betrayal.

Has anyone else felt this way? Is there any hope?


I also realize that I am completely POed. How come the OW can more on with her life as if nothing has happened, when WS and I are left to try to pick up the pieces and rebuild something THEY BOTH tried to destroy? It is so not fair! I am so angry. I am glad that she is not a threat atm, but still. Why do I have to suffer this betrayal but she gets to move on as if nothing happened?

Comments? Words of Wisdom?


Me - BS
Him - WS
Discovery 3/26/10
NC letter mailed 5/27/10
NC letter recieved 5/29/10
My Thread

Recovery may not be an option. Seriously looking a plan B/D
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I also realize that I am completely POed. How come the OW can more on with her life as if nothing has happened, when WS and I are left to try to pick up the pieces and rebuild something THEY BOTH tried to destroy? It is so not fair! I am so angry. I am glad that she is not a threat atm, but still. Why do I have to suffer this betrayal but she gets to move on as if nothing happened?

She is a loose woman. She may just move on to another man (victim) but she will never be happy. She will just bounce from man to man and never have anything meaningful.

In the book the love dare they talk about following your heart in one of the appendixes. Basically said that is a terrible way to live your life since your heart is flighty and just reacts to whatever emotion they feel at the time. Your heart is prone to sin as well.

While you are building a strong foundation of a marriage that will be satisfying in the long run and that will give you peace. That is peace that the OW will never get.

Hopefully that will give you some comfort during the long recovery.

BTW keep checking her status. When they drop out of a relationship they sometimes try to rediscover old flames. Just ensure NC.


(ME) BS - 33YO
(HER) WW - 32YO
Married 7 years
DD5
D-Day - 5/1/10 (PA)
Exposure 5/7/10
Plan A 5/7/10 -
Plan B or Recovery on 7-1-10 Its in her court ATM
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Originally Posted by ElunaInNC
So this morning it dawned on me one of the reason's I have withdrawn from the situation some. One of the reasons I married my husband was because I felt safe and secure with him. For the first year of our marriage, I could not rest until he was in the room with me.


Now that safety and security has been shaken to its very core. And I am afraid I will never feel safe again because of this type of betrayal.

Has anyone else felt this way? Is there any hope?


I also realize that I am completely POed. How come the OW can more on with her life as if nothing has happened, when WS and I are left to try to pick up the pieces and rebuild something THEY BOTH tried to destroy? It is so not fair! I am so angry. I am glad that she is not a threat atm, but still. Why do I have to suffer this betrayal but she gets to move on as if nothing happened?

Comments? Words of Wisdom?

Oh, yeah, we've been there. What you're feeling is normal. You'll feel safe again - this is part of your healing. Right after d-day I would look at my H and see a stranger. I would wonder how he could be 'normal' with me during his A, knowing that his head was filled with thoughts of OW while he sat right next to me. puke

It wasn't so much the safety and security that I felt robbed of - it was my reality. That was what I had to heal from, my loss of my reality during his A.

We talk a lot about the karma bus around here. That's what is going to visit your OW. You probably won't know about it when it happens. But she will pay - it's the yin and yang of the world.


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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Thank you for the encouragement.

I believe in Karma and I know that it will hit her hard when it does come back around. I just wish it would hit her now.

I guess I am still in this feeling of vengence that wishes she would get hit by a bus.

Part of me understands that maybe this is God's way of telling us to build a better marriage, but it still sux. I spend alot of my time feeling like things will never get better. I feel so hopeless. I can't trust anything he tells me, but have to trust something otherwise I will never be able to move on.

I am so afraid of letting go control of where I am because what if I trust that we are rebuilding and it turns out he is lying to me again? How can I trust that he is being honest with me at all about anything?

I want to move forward away from this pain, but I am scared @#@*%less to do so because of the what ifs........


Me - BS
Him - WS
Discovery 3/26/10
NC letter mailed 5/27/10
NC letter recieved 5/29/10
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Recovery may not be an option. Seriously looking a plan B/D
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Update:

So we had our MC session yesterday. We talked about the fact that we do not get nearly enough UA time. And that there were some new hobbies he wants to try.

I explained that while the hobbies themselves did not bother me, I felt he should try to include me in them. I then went on to explain the possible setup that may lead to issues with individual hobbies.

We did agree that since we needed more UA time, we needed to find a way to achieve that. So we agreed to try putting our son to bed earlier.

To that end, when we got home last night, we converted DS's crib to a toddler bed in the hopes that he would have an easier time sleeping in it.

After we fixed the bed together, we went downstairs and had dinner. Then we gave DS a bath and got him ready for bed. He stayed in the room with me while DS went to sleep. Then we went downstairs and cleaned up.

Afterwards we spent about 2 hours together. We shut the TV off and put music on. We just enjoyed that time together.




Me - BS
Him - WS
Discovery 3/26/10
NC letter mailed 5/27/10
NC letter recieved 5/29/10
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I believe in Karma and I know that it will hit her hard when it does come back around. I just wish it would hit her now.

I guess I am still in this feeling of vengence that wishes she would get hit by a bus.

Romans 12 addresses vengeance.

Rom 12:19 Beloved, do not avenge yourselves, but [rather] give place to wrath; for it is written, "Vengeance [is Mine, I will repay]," [fn] says the Lord.

I am trying to fight my own feelings of anger towards the OM. I know how hard it is but that scripture keeps me going.


Last edited by YEG; 06/08/10 08:45 AM.

(ME) BS - 33YO
(HER) WW - 32YO
Married 7 years
DD5
D-Day - 5/1/10 (PA)
Exposure 5/7/10
Plan A 5/7/10 -
Plan B or Recovery on 7-1-10 Its in her court ATM
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Well today has been an effing disaster! I forgot to take my AD's this morning and so I have been on a LB rampage for the past hour. I know I should stop, but I feel so much anger I want to scream!

He asked me what I needed to feel better and I told him I would love to hit him atm but he was not worth the price I would have to pay.


GRRRRR. I have to get control. I am sooooooo Angry it is literally making me sick on my stomach. How could he do this to us?

He keeps saying it was because he was lonely. I have been right here. If he was lonely he should have said something. I told him the only reason he was lonely is because he chose to be.

To make things worse, he seems to be expecting to move right past this into a better marriage. He acts like he expects me to move right on. I am still processing. I am still grieving. But as usual I am doing it alone. Where is he? He has disappeared into the other room.


Me - BS
Him - WS
Discovery 3/26/10
NC letter mailed 5/27/10
NC letter recieved 5/29/10
My Thread

Recovery may not be an option. Seriously looking a plan B/D
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Originally Posted by ElunaInNC
I told him the only reason he was lonely is because he chose to be.

Exactly. He could have TOLD you.


One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger

I will not spend my life this way.
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To make things worse, he seems to be expecting to move right past this into a better marriage. He acts like he expects me to move right on. I am still processing. I am still grieving. But as usual I am doing it alone. Where is he? He has disappeared into the other room.


im niot trying to take the WH side here but did you tell him what you needed tonite? Maybe there is a way you could communicate what he could do to help. If it was just to sit there and berate him say it. He might be willing to do that.

Leaving the room isnt always a bad thing. Maybe he was trying to avoid LBing behavior. I have taken the approach with my WW that id rather leave and try the next day than get suckered into a fight.

Its a marathon. you are driving the recovery train. You dictate the pace of how fast this goes. He needs to be willing to take it slow if thats what you need. Just be sure to communicate it effectively to him.

Did you get all your questions answered for the A? Maybe there is some residual doubt you have about it. Maybe you could ask him to take a lie detector test to ensure NC or that another A isnt going on. Maybe that could give you some comfort.


(ME) BS - 33YO
(HER) WW - 32YO
Married 7 years
DD5
D-Day - 5/1/10 (PA)
Exposure 5/7/10
Plan A 5/7/10 -
Plan B or Recovery on 7-1-10 Its in her court ATM
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Originally Posted by ElunaInNC
(T)hat safety and security has been shaken to its very core. And I am afraid I will never feel safe again because of this type of betrayal.

Has anyone else felt this way? Is there any hope?

I also realize that I am completely POed. How come the OW can more on with her life as if nothing has happened, when WS and I are left to try to pick up the pieces and rebuild something THEY BOTH tried to destroy? It is so not fair! I am so angry. I am glad that she is not a threat atm, but still. Why do I have to suffer this betrayal but she gets to move on as if nothing happened?

A little late to the party, but thoughts on this....

I know EXACTLY how you feel. EXACTLY.

Time is the one thing that's healed us. D-day was 19 months ago, and the R really started about this time last year. She has been doing pretty much everything she can to help me through all this.

I know intellectually that there is ZERO chance of anything rekindling, or even anything else of this nature ever happening again, but the rest of me is still catching up.

As for the POSOW, again, I know how you feel. When I exposed to Mrs. Pond Scum (he had been lying to everyone about his marital status, so my first question to her was if she was married to him!) she talked as if she'd bought his gaslighting hook, line, and sinker. She even lied to me about things that were verifiable. (Yeah, I'm the guy everyone lied to about everything. Lucky me.) She did tell me what he'd said about my then-WW, and when I relayed it back to her, any WD she was experiencing ended then and there -- a bucket of ice water to the face, as it were.

It seems like he was able to escape any consequences for his actions, but I really don't know that for sure. I have no contact with him -- thankfully, as one of us would be hospitalized or worse, and the other would be in the graybar hotel -- but remember the Karma Bus.

That POS is overdue to get some tire tracks across his torso. I'd love to be the agency that applies the punishment and have my license plate numbers stamped mirror image into his forehead, but I know that ain't gonna happen. I just have to be content in the knowledge that he's going to pull this crap one time too many, and some other BH with less to lose and a shotgun will take care of things for the rest of us.

In other words, his day will come.

And so will the POSOW's. Bank on it.

Last edited by AheadOfTheCurve; 06/08/10 09:27 PM. Reason: Fixed a typo.

BH 52
FWW 50
S26 S24
EA 3/07-1/09
PA 5/07-10/08
NC finally established after eight false starts: 1/23/09
Final Version of Events 6/09
In a solid Recovery, and lucky beyond belief.
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He just informed me that he is "willing" to leave the 2 most important people in his life (me and DS) just so I don't have to suffer anymore.......


Does this smell rotten to anyone else?


I told him that first he shows me how little I mean to him by having the A and now he is telling me that I am not even worth fighting for? At this point he broke down and started crying "That is not what I meant at all"


Me - BS
Him - WS
Discovery 3/26/10
NC letter mailed 5/27/10
NC letter recieved 5/29/10
My Thread

Recovery may not be an option. Seriously looking a plan B/D
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Only a few hours of sleep and now I have a horrible migraine. I just took my AD for the day. Hopefully it will level my emotions back out once it kicks in.


Grr still really angry.


Me - BS
Him - WS
Discovery 3/26/10
NC letter mailed 5/27/10
NC letter recieved 5/29/10
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Recovery may not be an option. Seriously looking a plan B/D
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Originally Posted by ElunaInNC
He just informed me that he is "willing" to leave the 2 most important people in his life (me and DS) just so I don't have to suffer anymore.......


Does this smell rotten to anyone else?


I told him that first he shows me how little I mean to him by having the A and now he is telling me that I am not even worth fighting for? At this point he broke down and started crying "That is not what I meant at all"

I might have missed a few of your posts, but I've got to respond to this: your H probably didn't mean that. I think he's frustrated over witnessing your healing (and that's what it is, even when you feel horrible) and is at a loss over how to help you. Have you told him things that he can do to help you? Are the two of you working on your ENs?

My poster boy FWH has cried so many times over his actions. His remorse is huge. But I've had to tell him what upsets me, and what helps me.


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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Only a few hours of sleep and now I have a horrible migraine. I just took my AD for the day. Hopefully it will level my emotions back out once it kicks in.

I had to increase my dosage. Is that something your doctor has looked at yet?


(ME) BS - 33YO
(HER) WW - 32YO
Married 7 years
DD5
D-Day - 5/1/10 (PA)
Exposure 5/7/10
Plan A 5/7/10 -
Plan B or Recovery on 7-1-10 Its in her court ATM
My thread
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YEG I forgot the medicine yesterday. I feel like this is why I got so down last night since I have not been on the medicine long enough to have a constant level in my blood yet.


Me - BS
Him - WS
Discovery 3/26/10
NC letter mailed 5/27/10
NC letter recieved 5/29/10
My Thread

Recovery may not be an option. Seriously looking a plan B/D
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Originally Posted by maritalbliss
Originally Posted by ElunaInNC
He just informed me that he is "willing" to leave the 2 most important people in his life (me and DS) just so I don't have to suffer anymore.......


Does this smell rotten to anyone else?


I told him that first he shows me how little I mean to him by having the A and now he is telling me that I am not even worth fighting for? At this point he broke down and started crying "That is not what I meant at all"

I might have missed a few of your posts, but I've got to respond to this: your H probably didn't mean that. I think he's frustrated over witnessing your healing (and that's what it is, even when you feel horrible) and is at a loss over how to help you. Have you told him things that he can do to help you? Are the two of you working on your ENs?

My poster boy FWH has cried so many times over his actions. His remorse is huge. But I've had to tell him what upsets me, and what helps me.


MB

Thank you for your response on this. I wanted to believe that he did not mean it, but since this has all started I don't know what to believe.


Me - BS
Him - WS
Discovery 3/26/10
NC letter mailed 5/27/10
NC letter recieved 5/29/10
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Well we had a break through of sorts today. I had not mentioned it before, but WS has had an issue with porn for sometime. Although it bothered me when we first got together, I viewed it as harmless since it was just videos and mags. Like many I have had to learn the hard way about the dangers of porn to a marriage......

We have talked about him removing this stuff for a while. Due to how much and how strong his obsession for it was, I have slowly been working with him in removing it from our lives. The first of it was placing a child filter on his phone, and he engaged parental overrides on his IPOD and giving me access to create a password. But having the videos and mags inn the house has continued to bother me. So today he started getting them moved into one central location. We loaded it all up and took it to the dump.

He is down in the dumps now, but that was expected. I am just thankful that he has actually done it finally. It is a BIG step towards making things right.

BTW he starts IC next week to deal with these issues with a qualified counselor.


Me - BS
Him - WS
Discovery 3/26/10
NC letter mailed 5/27/10
NC letter recieved 5/29/10
My Thread

Recovery may not be an option. Seriously looking a plan B/D
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Well that was a first. He came in from mowing the lawn a little bit ago. A while he was out there he picked me a gardenia.

I begged for the first year of our marriage for him to pick flowers from the yard and give them to me. He never did and I stopped asking. So Wow! It did make me feel good.


Me - BS
Him - WS
Discovery 3/26/10
NC letter mailed 5/27/10
NC letter recieved 5/29/10
My Thread

Recovery may not be an option. Seriously looking a plan B/D
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I feel like this is why I got so down last night since I have not been on the medicine long enough to have a constant level in my blood yet.

be careful about missing a dose. i get VERY bad dizzy spells when i miss mine. Ive had bad days and accidents as well so I know what your going through.


(ME) BS - 33YO
(HER) WW - 32YO
Married 7 years
DD5
D-Day - 5/1/10 (PA)
Exposure 5/7/10
Plan A 5/7/10 -
Plan B or Recovery on 7-1-10 Its in her court ATM
My thread
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Originally Posted by YEG
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I feel like this is why I got so down last night since I have not been on the medicine long enough to have a constant level in my blood yet.

be careful about missing a dose. i get VERY bad dizzy spells when i miss mine. Ive had bad days and accidents as well so I know what your going through.


I think the migraine that had me out of work yesterday was a result of both missing my dose, and the excess emotional roller coaster I was on as a result. But at least things seems to have stabilized for a bit.


Me - BS
Him - WS
Discovery 3/26/10
NC letter mailed 5/27/10
NC letter recieved 5/29/10
My Thread

Recovery may not be an option. Seriously looking a plan B/D
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