JC was achieved 2 years ago, MF - JC isn't the problem here. If you think you can help us NOW with the issues we have NOW instead of bringing it back to what happened YEARS ago, I would love to have your input. I think you are a wonderful person and I am sorry for upsetting you.

I agreed to work the MB program because I believe it will help the current issues we face as a couple. Because it was not worked properly the first time. Because my husband has agreed to actually participate this time.

Lala - no minimizing. You attempted contact with exboyfriends after coming to marriage builders.

It is a current issue.

Kayla - STOP IT!!! lmao - couldn't help it.

You are right, of course.

Are you serious??? You are obviously not aware of what JC is if you think a pot addiction and contacting exBFs on FB is considered JC.

JC means you STOP offending behaviors, it means ALL of your EPs are in place, ALL THE TIME. IT means you avoid LBers (like smoking pot and IBs such as contacting exBFs on FB).

These ARE issues NOW, Lala...you aren't doing anyone any good by trying to deflect the issues of NOW and trying to cry "We aren't supposed to talk about the A anymore!" Puhlease. You are smarter than that.


EXACTLY. I am not the only one who sees you trying to deflect, Lala.

Glad you and your BH are back. You'll get your train back on the tracks.

MF - agreed - I am starting to understand this now. Thanks for your help.

Thanks, Road - I hope so!

LaLa,

Even without the "smoking" issue much of what you said is still entitled sounding to me.

I am not in your shoes and can only imagine how you feel that your BH has not forgiven you, as i am sure my FWH feels similar to you and has said many times the same thing you are saying here and let me tell you it is very LB draining for sure.

A WS does not know and hopefully will never know the pain a BS feels and how deep that betrayal hurts, you just don't, you may think you do but there is no way you will ever truly understand what that betrayal does to a person.

When my FWH asked me if he could come back home, i told him that day, "this will be the hardest thing you ever have to do in your life and you better be damn sure you want to do it before you really even ask to come home" and i meant that.

He is the one that blinded sided me with an affair, just as i am sure you blind sided W2S with one as well. At least he blind sided you with the fact that he is not happy, he and i did not get that same choice when you and my H made the choices you made.

And no matter how much we BS truly WANT to JUST GET OVER IT, that is easier said than done. So what do you do? Instead of just saying "okay W2S i am done, i can no longer take your actions" and get a divorce and it is legally filed in a court of law, you are still MARRIED.

There is NO EXCUSE for the FB contact at all, there is no such thing as "I THOUGHT THE MARRIAGE WAS OVER", you are either married or divorced there is no in between.......

That is wayward thinking.

Lala ~ is W2S asking detailed questions about the A? If he is THAT is a "no-no".

HOW.EV.ER. If he is saying "it triggers me back to your A, this behavior reminds me of A behavior", THAT is not "talking about the A".

We went to the MBW so we are able to counsel with Dr. Harley and Kim...in fact, not too long ago Kim went over this with us and THIS is acceptable.

Please clarify what you mean by "talking about the A".

I agree, and I just told W2S the same exact thing. I guess I was just trying to explain my mind-set. Lame, for sure.

I still would like the answers to my questions.....


You blew over these ------>

How many counseling sessions did you schedule with the Harley's?

Would you please list out your list of EPs that you created to protect W2S and your marriage?

What MB books did you read? Which ones did you read more than once?

What questionnaires did you complete?

Did you schedule 15 hours of UA with W2S every week since you agreed to work MB in the beginning?

Agreeing to work the MB program is not the same as taking the lead and actually WORKING it.

Let me help you explain that "mindset", Lala...

It's called WAYWARD THINKING.

I know I'm being harsh but I still can't believe this is YOU talking this foggy way. You woulda beat the cr*p outta any FWS who came here talking the way you are talking now.

Hello Lala,

I hear a fog horn. A very loud one. I am in utter dismay that you are in contact with ANY men on FB. In fact, I am dumbfounded that you even HAVE FB.

Would you please list what you perceive as the just compensation you "achieved" 2 years ago? (along with answering tst's previous questions)

I am not on FB any more. I was on there for about 3 weeks.

As far as JC goes, the main thing that bothered my husband about my A (besides the obvious things) was the music - it had always been a source of joy between us (for those of you who don't know our story, I had an A with the producer of my CD). I destroyed that joy with the A, but could never find the strength to completely hand all of the CDs that were made over to him. Singing has been an enormous part of my life since age 10, so giving it up was (and still is) devastating to me. However, I came to a point where I realized that JC, which was never something W2S could decide on, had to be met, or at least attempted. W2S was still in pain an rage (this was about 6 months after coming to MB) but could not think of anything I could do to provide JC. I decided to hand them all over once and for all. I also gave up singing completely. I also told my parents and my brother without W2S asking me to do so. He has told me that this was JC for what happened.

As far as my list of EPs:

1.) I will not speak to another man about personal issues
2.) I will not engage in any activity that makes my husbad feel unsafe.
3.) I will respect my husband's boundaries
4.) I will make sure that my actions always reflect my stated goal for a happy M (according to th MB plans)
5.) I will use POJA with any and all important decisions
6.) I will not email or talk online with any man other than my husband
7.) I will respect my husband's feelings and make sure that nothing I do causes him pain.
8.) I will never be alone with any other man other than my husband.
9.) I will work a recovery program and remain sober for life (I added this one tonight)

As far as the questionnaires - we both filled out the Emotional Needs questionnaire a couple years ago.

As far as the book - I strted HNHN, but didn't finish it. I will start it again tomorrow. We also have "Surviving an Affair" and "Private Lies" but I've never read them.

We have never had the money to schedule time with the Harley's - God Bless the people that do!

I have tried countless times to meet the 15 hours a week of UA time, but it never, ever happens. Either he is on the computer, or falls asleep (or I do). This has always been the hardest part, although now that our schedule is better, we manage about 10-12 hours of UA per week.

LaLa - it's a question of the priorities. If you have been promoted as you say they even after the bankruptcy you now have more disposable income than you did before - how you spend that is an issue of PRIORITIES - no more, no less.

Your number one priority should be calling the counselling centre.

And the Pot thing started almost a year ago, not 2 months ago as you tried to convince me the other day. Naughty girl!

Glad to see you back. Forecast: Fog clearing with a hint of a storm on the horizon.

BK - huh? I told you I QUIT 2 months ago, I told you I STARTED a few months before that. To be exact, I started right before Christmas last year and quit the beginning of April this year. I can pull it up and show you if you don't believe me...

I want to re-interate this once again to those on my AND W2S's thread - I quit smoking 2 months ago!!!

And to answer your other question about money, BK...my husband said we had dental insurance (finally after a year), so I took his word for it and scheduled cleanings for the kids and him. Turns out, he didn't really have insurance and now we have $1200 in dental bills. Also, he didn't pay taxes on his business last year so now we owe $3000 in back-taxes. Talk to him about our current money situation. Sort of a sore subject for me right now!

I think money is a sore subject for him too LaLa.

So do you think he would be more careful with this sort of thing then, or is that too much for me to ask of him?

Resonance/LaLa, I have only read a small amount of your DH's thread on this subject. I have read all of this thread and have attempted to respond to you a few times but I wanted to see what the "vets" had to advise first.

I have not read all of your previous story and I have not been around these parts that long. I have, however, read most of the material on here and I have read most of the books.

When I read your answers to tst's questions, I CRINGED. Really??? You did not finish HNHN, you haven't read SAA? You filled out the questionnaires 2 years ago? That was right after you came here right? When I first came here, I filled out the EN one and my answers have changed already. In WS fog and BS fog, the answers will be different. Also, I have read that DrH says that the ENs tend to change sometimes so it is a good idea to fill out the EN questionnaire more often.

The UA time not being met is UNACCEPTABLE. I have read on other people's threads that they lost feelings for their spouse without this time being met EVERY WEEK. Also, DrH says he will not even consider counseling a couple unless they agree to and meet the minimum of 15 hours PER WEEK.

I too love to sing, always have. I understand that it must feel like there is a HUGE part of you missing. I don't know that DrH meant JC to be a cruel thing and the way that you wrote it, it seemed like you resent your DH for you not being able to sing anymore. I don't know if you would be able to POJA a solution to make both of you enthusiastic about you being able to sing. I could come up with a bunch of ideas for you to throw out there.

Also, when I read your EP's, I felt like you were being careful what you wrote to make sure that what you described on this thread would follow what you were writing as your EP's.

When I read, " 6.) I will not email or talk online with any man other than my husband" I CRINGED. Why? Because it seemed like you wanted to put your FB use into a DIFFERENT category so you made sure to only write EMAIL AND TALK ONLINE. PUH-LEASE. You know the FB thing was a failure to protect your boundaries.

"1.) I will not speak to another man about personal issues," ummmmm, I hope this was just a small version of what you wouldn't talk to another man about.

I have to jet off to work. Just wanted to write out what I felt when I read this the first time. I wish much happiness for you.