I am by nature a very trusting person. I am starting to understand the theory behind total transparency and complete honesty. But would a wayward spouse ever actually commit to this WITHOUT:

a) A burning feeling of resentment and of being controlled
b) Just burying things further with new e-mail accounts; hard to ask for a password if you don't know how many accounts actually exist?

Sounds like a great theory - but does it ever actually work?

Yes it does. You bet it does but your spouse has to be truly remorseful for what they have done to you and your marriage. If they are then they will OFFER you that transparency. I never had to ask for a single bit of it, in fact just recently my FWH realized I was a little concerned about his computer use so he went online and bought a keylogger and sent it to me to use. I did not ask for it so in answer to your question, yes it most definitely does work.

Dances - your case gives me some hope, but it seems a bit different because you didn't give this as an ultimatum to a wavering spouse.

I thankfully did not have to. Just my discovery of the last A was enough for him to come home and try. However the real transparency did not start for a while because he was holding such an evil secret for so long. It was 3 months before I knew it all. After that he broke down the old GM, not on purpose because I think he had no control over that, but after he accelerated that disintegration to become a new H including all the principles of MB. He had to want to though. You need to get to that point with your W, where she wants to and that is going to mean that you have to do the work. Read up on Plan A. There is a great thread about it here called I thinkg the Carrot and the Stick.

I just saw you have another thread. You should stick to one thread so we can all keep up, those posting to you there could have answered this probably better than I can since I am still bouncing around trying to get a real footing.

Niceguy,

It works. My H had his third (or whatever) affair about four and a half years ago.

I told him that he could never contact OW again. I asked for all passwords, emails, etc. I spied on him relentlessly - at first I did not let him know, then he caught me. I confessed, and he said he completely understood why I felt compelled to do it.

He gave me all of his email accounts the first time around, and when asked again, there were no others to be had. In fact, he decided he didn't even require more than one - because it just made me crazy to think that he might use one for business and maybe one for "other" activities. So he just canceled the secondary account and uses only one, to this day.

I have full access to his cell phone, anytime, anywhere. I have access to the logs. He does not EVER erase the computer history, nor does he delete emails.

He leaves his phone messages on the machine.

He leaves his office at home open.

He has no facebook, myspace, classmates, or other social website activity whatsoever - and has refused any such joining.

He tells me where he's going, how long it will take, and who will be there at the other end when he gets there. If he meets other women through work, he gives me their names, and lets me know the relationship and extent of the work he might be doing with them. He makes sure I know their names, so that if they call or email, I don't get worried - he wants me to feel safe.

He does not make comments about the bodies of ANY other women. Not stars on TV or movies. Not our friends, not passers-by. He used to, not anymore. He doesn't ogle, he doesn't make a show of looking at women. He used to. Not anymore.

He has made it very important to make me feel safe - that there are no other women who interest him. He has done this in order to protect ME from feeling insecure, but also to protect the marriage from possible intrusions of other women. It protects his behavior, his thoughts, his actions as well.


The answer is that YES, it is possible.


And in our case, my husband believes it is what it takes to maintain MY sanity, MY sense of safety, and OUR RELATIONSHIP.

Did I "force" it?

No.

Did I even ask for him to go to this extent?

No.

I asked him to do what was necessary to prevent any further contact with the OW, and with any other women that might make entry into the marriage. To never comment on other women's bodies again. And to make me feel safe in this relationship - to feel safe against his possible cheating.

He figured it out from there. He has done a stellar job. It is a happy coincidence that MB recommends exactly what he has done.


SB

Q: "does it actually work?"
A: you betcha.
i'm an FWW (formerly wayward wife). when my husband found out about my affair, he just REACTED--but in retrospect, he used MB principles out of sheer intuition, and they went a little like this:
"if you're ABSOLUTELY SURE you want a divorce so you can pursue your relationship with OM, i can't talk you out of it. it will break my heart, but i will let you go.
if you're undecided, i understand--but know this:
as long as we live under the same roof, you CANNOT CONTINUE THIS AFFAIR. if you can't do without talking to him, seeing him, texting him, etc., you have already made your decision and you need to move out NOW. Here's 50% of everything we have liquid.
the ball's in your court, love. i'd be sorry to see you go, but i can't stop you. all i ask is that while we're living together, you don't see him, you stop talking to him, stop texting him, stop ALL CORRESPONDENCE with him.
if you CHOOSE to continue, if you can't live without his frickin text messages while you're making your decision whether to stay or go, you're making the decision to take the $ and move out immediately.
if you can't survive without contacting him, i'll help you pack your things and try to explain to our girls why mommy doesn't live her anymore.
you can either see me or him. you can't have both. you need to make your choice. take all the time you need, but know that if you contact him ONCE while living in this house, you will have MADE your choice, and you will move out within the hour, because i will MOVE you out."

that's the most reasonable ultimatum i've ever heard. it's based on fact--if you CANNOT STOP contact, if you just can't find the strength within yourself to stop dealing with the OM(s), you've already COMMITTED to someone else. i don't believe that's the case with your wife--i think you can head her off at the pass and PREVENT a full-blown, physical + emotional affair.

you are not asking too much of her by insisting that she make her correspondence an open book before she moves back in. yes, your requests WILL generate resentment and indignation--but you know what? when a faithful spouse is wrongly accused, they'll THROW their laptop and i-phone at you and INSIST you read everything, because they'll want to prove their innocence (and make you feel like a controlling jerk). nobody objects on principle.

she may not be cheating, but she's almost certainly considering it, and she's putting herself in situations that make it inevitable--EVENTUALLY. if you can gently but firmly give her your terms, it's likely to snap her back to reality and stop her from doing something she'll regret for the rest of her life.