Hi everyone, I first want to say that I am so thankful to have found this site and all of the wonderful wisdom it contains. I already feel like I have progressed leaps and bounds over the hysterical, crying, mess of a wife I was a couple of weeks ago. I have done my best to read through the DrH's articles, all the recommended threads, and posts, but I still have some questions, so I'll ask those after giving you a little background.

My WH and I were hig school sweethearts. We started dating when we were 15, and married at 20. We are both 31 now, and have one 4-year-old daughter. We have always had a very happy marriage...we did lots of traveling, always made time for date nights twice a month, etc. Since the birth of our daughter things had gotten much more complacent I guess you could say, just because of the routine that having a child necessitates. I can see looking back that there are many ways I could have met his ENs better, but in general I would say we were both very happy and secure in the relationship. Last September we went to Maui for our 10-year anniversary and renewed our vows...he spoke such sweet words to me that i just cried from happiness and gratitude to have the life that I did.

Well, in February it all began to fall apart. We had been having financial troubles for quite a while, and learned that our home was going to be foreclosed (we had an ARM that went sky-high, and we are about $100k upside down in our house). Very stressful, however we communicated well about it and agreed that we could go through a bankruptcy and get a fresh start. At the beginning of March, however, my husband got downsized at his job, and his pay got cut about 40%. He was hit extremely hard by this, since I think so much of his self-worth has been wrapped up in his career. He started going out drinking with the co-workers from his new department, and could also now socialize with the employees whom he previously supervised since he was no longer their boss. Included in this group of coworkers was his former assistant, whom he had worked with for the past 4 years. I knew her pretty well, we had gone to lunch a couple of times, and my daughter loved to visit with her when we stopped by the office to visit daddy.

Well, I'm sure you can guess what happened next. His group outings turned to secret get-togethers with OW, lying to me, hours long phone calls to her, etc. etc. D-day was April 22nd, when he plugged in his blackberry to our computer to update his calendar, and all the photos he had of them together appeared on the screen. Of course I was livid, hysterical, etc. He swore to me that he would end things, that it was nothing physical except for a kiss, they were "just friends" and that we could go to counseling. I felt momentarily ok, but continued snooping and gathering proof of their affair.

Well, counseling turned out to open a whole can of worms. Basically, it just helped to convince him that there was a choice to be made, had him questioning where his whole life was heading, if he really loved me, etc. Before we went into counseling he swore that he would NEVER leave the marriage...after counseling he "doesn't know what he wants". The counselor also urged him to leave the house and stay somewhere else for a while, so WH moved in with his mom about a month ago. He is continuing to see OW as far as I know, however I have not been questioning him about it. My daughter and I are in the process of packing our things and moving to a rental house since our home will be foreclosed in the end of July.

Since joining the MB I have exposed the A to:
My parents and siblings
His mom and siblings
My friends and our joint friends
Our neighbors
OWH (they are in the process of divorce)

I am in Plan A as best as I can be with him living outside the home. I am being sweet, gracious, and positive as can be when I see him, and am taking the time to look nice and do nice things for myself. I can definitely see a change in how he reacts to me since implementing Plan A. Before, he would only communicate through text message, and didn't want to even look at me when we met. Since I've gotten a grip, he has been calling me, and he invited me out to go go-carting last weekend. We talked the whole car ride there and it was just a very pleasant day.

So, I think things are going better than they were, but I am still concerned that his is not living with us. On one hand, I think I really needed that for my sanity...when he was still here he would announce right to me that he was going to OW's house, or to her birthday party, or out bowling. He was being deliberately cruel, I felt, and I just felt like I was dying every day. Now that he is not here, I can put those things out of my mind and deal with the rest of life every day, however it is also making it hard to do Plan A. He acts like he is on a vacation from all responsibility.

So, I guess my questions are:

1) Should I convince him to move back in now, or on July 1st when we move into our new rental? I am already thinking of ways to make the new home inviting, beautiful, and welcoming =) If he should move back, how do I bring that up and convince him of that?

2) I haven't exposed to his work, although OWH showed up there are threatened my WH in front of his boss and co-workers, so they probably aren't totally in the dark. Should I expose to HR asap with an official letter?

3) Should I just completely ignore the existence of OW during Plan A? I haven't brought her up in a couple of weeks, and neither has WH.

4) Any other general advice you have for me is more than welcome!

Thank you so much for taking the time to read and reply...I am extremely grateful

MarieClaire, welcome to Marriage Builders, I am sorry you are here.

You sound like you know quite about this program, have you read Surviving an Affair?

Sorry you are here.

You can't convince him to move back in with you. You can, however, make HOME a marvelous place and a better alternative than life with OW. That is where Plan A comes in.

Yes, You definitely SHOULD expose to the workplace. Also, does OW have a FB account? Can you expose to her friends and family too. You want to expose to anyone who can put pressure on the affair.

No, you shouldn't completely ignore the existence of OW during Plan A, but you WILL NOT have relationship talks with your WH. You will use lines like these, "I can not accept a marriage where you have a girlfriend, would you like a cookie?" Have you read the carrot and stick of Plan A? Have you read other people's threads.

What are your WH's top 5 ENs? How can you meet these needs while he is not at home? Is there anything that you can get your WH to come home and do? Is there something that needs to be fixed?

What LBs were you guilty of committing in the past and how will you try to avoid them in the future?

Again, Welcome.

Thank you for the replies. Scotland, I am doing my best to make home a welcoming place for him...it is very difficult with moving boxes stacked everywhere, but I have been making his favorite treats for him for when he stops by, and have kept the house as bright and clean as possible. This is something I am really looking forward to when we move to our rental home...it will be literally twice the square footage, I am going to paint all the walls & just make it very "homey". In the packing process I have also been purging so much of our clutter, which I think will be impressive to him. I am going to try and do a big "reveal" of the new home once I get it all arranged. The other day I mentioned, "You know, you could always move into the new place and stay in the guest bedroom. That way I can make you dinner every night, and you can spend more time with DD." He said, "huh, that might be a good idea", which was a better reaction than I hoped for!

OW does have a FB account, and I am composing a brief letter to her friends to send off tonight. OWH sent out his own message, and after he did she lost about 25 friends from her count. WH told me that she has many friends giving her grief about the A. I guess it will only help to add my story as well.

I have tried to be very good with avoiding relationship talks. For example, I was checking our cell records, and yesterday there was a 2 minute call to the office of her apartment complex. I desperately wanted to ask him why he was calling there, but I just stuffed it down and ignored it. So should I only bring up OW if he does, and shut down any real relationship talk? I have memorized the Carrot and Stick of Plan A, and in fact carry a print off in my purse with me and read through it several times a day. They are my new rules for how to get through the day. And I have read SAA and hundreds of pages of posts on here as well.

WH's top 5 ENs would be:
SF
RC
DS
Admiration
Conversation

I am addressing RC by suggesting and responding to any activities he suggests. Last weekend we went go-carting at a race track, this weekend I suggested that we go to a par 3 golf course (something he has been trying to get me to do but I had always turned him down.) I feel like this is one of the biggest ENs I need to meet, since we have very different interests and often end up doing our own thing.

I am addressing DS by improving our home, and planning to make our new home the best it can be (see above). We have a lot of clutter in our current home, and it is very tiny. I know that is something that I will need to change if I want him back...clean and organized are my new goals!

I'm addressing Admiration by asking him for help with tasks around the house (moving the refrigerator, unbolting all our shelving) Again, I think there will be lots of opportunity for him to help as we move into our new place. He is already talking about how he will come mow the grass and take out the garbage for me every week. I am trying to be VERY thankful and profuse with my appreciation, and I think he is happily surprised by it.

Conversation: A lot of times when he would talk about the specifics of his work, I would really gloss over and tune out. Looking back, of course that would make him pull away. The past two weeks, whenever he brings up something about work, I will listen intently, and ask lots of follow-up questions to encourage him to go on.

SF: We are not sleeping together, but I have been doing my best to appear attractive and flirty with him. Also brief touches on the arm, like many have mentioned here. Should I try to start sleeping with him again?

One of the best parts of MB is that it so clearly helps you identify the simple things that are most important to your partner, but that we don't think twice about in our daily routine. I am actually excited to have taken a look at what he needs from me, how I have been sorely lacking, and how I can do better from here on out.

My biggest LBs are Selfish Demands (needing a lot of "me" time, expecting a certain amount of financial status), Disrespectful Judgements (of some of his friends and family), and Independent Behavior (not willing to give his hobbies a try, working alone at night a lot to build my small business). I'm working on addressing these. I really don't have much "me" time since he moved out, and I am learning that I don't need it as much as I thought. I have gone out to lunch with his siblings to try to get to know them better. And I will be moving my business into our new home when we move, so I will be more easily able to work when DD is at school. I also created a schedule for specific hours I will work, so I am not tempted to hop onto the computer all hours of the day and night.

Really, I feel SO good about the progress I have made. I want to just keep showing him how much better life can be with us, so I'm excited to continue Plan A. How long do you recommend I continue it?

Thank you again, I appreciate all the help1

MC, I would go for about 5 more day; maybe one whole week and then go into Plan B. That is why I asked if you had read Surviving an Affair. Are you familiar with Plan B?

MC, it sounds like you really know your MB. It is refreshing to see someone post who really has it all together.

You are so good at the whole Plan A concepts. Do you need any help with figuring out how to get to Plan B? Would you be ready to go into Plan B in 5 days, as ML has suggested? You are intending to be in a DARK Plan B right?

I would recommend and STD test prior to SF. You cant trust what they are telling you. Its simply not worth the risk.

I personally would not take that risk. SF isn't JUST about the act itself. You can have flirty texts/emails. Have some fun with words. People have cybersex all of the time, there must be something to it.

How long have you been doing a really GREAT plan A, with very few love busters?

In the upcoming weeks, is there any date or activity that has traditionally been something you and H enjoyed together?

Depending on the situation, it is sometimes a good idea to plan B right before, or right after an important event/date.

What ya got?

Fire the counselor.

MC, I would get all your ducks in a row for Plan B. For example, get your finances separated, find an intermediary, change the locks, set up visitation. Perhaps even file for divorce/separation to get yourself legally protected. But start getting ready NOW.

You could also start working on your Plan B letter.

Plan A is only supposed to last for 3 to 4 weeks for women so the time to prepare is now.

Yes.
And, the time to ramp up and intensify your Plan A and shine your absolute brightest, is in the week prior to Plan B.

Making a GREAT (not good) last impression just prior to darkness of plan B.

Is the relatively short timeline for PA for women because its more effective against WH or is it to protect the BW?

Totally agree though. The better the PA the more effective the PB will be.

Women have a tougher time with Plan A and tend to have severe emotional and physical problems.

Boy, does this sound familiar. That is what WH did during his first A and now, looking back, he was hoping for me to find out about his 2nd one so he could announce to me his visits to 2nd OW...they are truly cruel, at all ages.
I see your H is 31 so he can't possibily be in a ML crisis. This really shows that age does not matter because my 50 year old H is saying the same things your 31 year old is saying. It is the addiction to the A which turns their brain into mush.In my case is the addiction to an entitled, selfish and cheating lifestyle.
It is much better to have them out of the house than hear such cruelty and have to live thru it.
Plan B.
blessing

Thank you everyone, sorry I have not been online to reply earlier today!

Wow, I was not thinking of going into Plan B so quickly. Pepperband, to answer your question I have really been dazzling in my PA for the last 10 days to 2 weeks. I was really hoping to be able to get into our new home first. Not having a clean, welcoming home was something that I know caused WH significant stress, so I really wanted the opportunity to show a big change in that area. Frankly, I don't think I have been in PA long enough for him to really get the full effect of it, especially since he is not here every day. And I feel like I am doing alright emotionally at this point. But, if you think sooner is better than later I'm open to that. Pepperband, we don't really have any big celebrations or activities this summer. We usually do a trip or big party for our anniversary and my daughter's birthday (same weekend), but that is not until Labor Day.

Gack, I agree, I am feeling very let down by the counselor. We only went in for 2 couples sessions, then we both went in for a couple of individual times. It does not seem like she wants to support our marriage, rather help us both "find ourselves". I have no plans to go back, and I don't think WH does either.

Atena, thank you for your support. I agree, seeing the A as an addiction was really a lightbulb moment for me.

I am a bit confused about the financial logistics of Plan B...I guess I will look back through SAA. Right now I have very, very little income of my own (maybe $400/month). WH has been very good about continuing to pay for everything just as before, and he told me that he would pay for our new rental home as well. If I enact Plan B should I first try to get a different job outside the home? Write up an agreement about what amount of money he agrees to give me each month? Off to research this more...

Well since he isn't living at home any longer ask him to come up with a financial plan for the two of you, separate accounts so you can just pay your bills on your own without him being involved....
I did Plan A for a bit longer and I made out okay, it was tough emotionally but I did have a final date......I was about 8 weeks.....
If he isn't coming back you need to figure out some kind of alimony payments for you and your daughters support.....
Maybe if he thinks about this being a more permanent situation he might really have to make a decision.....the OW or his family...
You sound like you are doing great and you sound like you have a plan that excites you and you are spending good quality time with your husband when you can....it all sounds good to me...........it's so hard to wait things out.....but hang in there......

Thanks jessi, yes, I think I am excited to see the results of Plan A, so that may be why I'm hesitant to end it so quickly. Anyone else have experience with a longer Plan A? I am thinking of going another 3-4 weeks, until after we have been in the new house for a week, he has seen how great it is and had the chance to help me with the many projects (install appliances, etc) so I can meet his Admiration EN repeatedly, then go to a dark Plan B.

Also, I sent off messages to OW's FB friends...I haven't gotten any replies, but I am assuming that is normal?

I agree with the others about getting your Plan B ready. It is better to have your Plan B ducks lined in a row so that you will be ready and won't have to scramble at the last minute. It sounds like you are doing a stellar Plan A (yay you!) but things can go downhill quickly when you have a wayward flaunting their A in your face. You want to go dark before the DJ's and AO's start to inevitably creep back in...

Hang in there!