All waywards are vile, evil, vicious creatures. Their sex does not matter...

Some are less vile, evil and vicious than others, but whether wife or husband is not the determining factor.

Men are more likely to compartmentalize, claiming and believing themselves that they still love their wife while having a mistress on the side. They are also less likely to give up said mistress for that very reason.

Wives might be more prone to holding resentments of the past open and using them to justify their affair. They are also more likely to care what other people think of them and so might be more willing to stop the affair once confronted.

Both wayward husbands and wayward wives can say and do some of the most awful stuff that Mankind has ever devised in the name of "real love" or under the assumption of entitlement.

When things are that wrong, how wrong beyond just plain wrong hardly even matters any more and one sin is like all the rest. Who can be more evil is a worthless debate at best.

IMO.

Mark

Ahhh...yeah!

�Both genders seem equally capable of falling into the temporary insanity of romantic affairs, though women are more likely to reframe anything they do as having been done for love. Women in love are far more aware of what they are doing and what the dangers might be.�

�Men tend to attach too little significance to affairs, ignoring their horrifying power to disorient and disrupt lives, while women tend to attach too much significance, assuming that the emotions are so powerful they must be "real" and therefore concrete, permanent, and stable enough to risk a life for.� [Dr. Frank Pittman, Private Lies: Infidelity and the Betrayal of Intimacy]

All adultery is cruel, contemptible, WRONG, and destructive (both of self and to loved ones), but there isn't much doubt that WWs are generally more entitlement-minded, emotionally-addicted, stubborn, and unrepentantly determined to throw away their marriages for their affair-partner. In the fog-state, (previously decent) cheating-husbands usually view their OW as a �fun addition� or �someone on the side�; (previously decent) cheating-wives usually view their OM as �their real love� or �the answer to their happiness�. One can easily see how WWs will tend to vilify and scapegoat their BHs and their marriages all the more to rationalize why �me and OM are soulmates, meant to be, and should be together�.

Dr. Harley admits this�at least indirectly. He acknowledges that WW-affairs are more difficult to break [if exposure doesn�t persuade the OM to dump the WW, the BH is pretty much up the creek w/o a paddle] and that WWs are harder to recover an infidelity-tainted marriage with. The fact that Dr. H advises BHs to Plan A for much longer than BWs reflects this sad fact as well.

WWs tend to �cake-eat� less and for a shorter time period. Even though cake-eating is painful and heart-wrenching for the BS, it is actually a DECENT SIGN. It is certainly not nearly as good as the WS ending the affair, displaying true remorse and repentance, and committing to marital recovery�but, it is WAY WAYBETTER than the WS ramming a divorce down the BS�s throat and chasing headlong after the affair-relationship. The latter is what WWs tend to do in fairly short order as long as the OM prolongs the affair. At least if your WS is still cake-eating, he/she is potentially salvageable and amenable to considering recovery. No question, WHs tend to cake-eat more and do it for longer.

All waywards SUCK�wayward-wives SUCK BIG TIME.

BINGO

I agree with much, but not all, of what Mark wrote. Certainly, ALL adultery is equally vile, evil, hurtful, and destructive. Neither gender of cheater gets �a pass�. There is no such thing as an �honorable or decent wayward�, male or female. I do not quibble one bit with the immoral and unethical equivalence of adulterers vs. adulteresses. I�m merely dealing with the likely mechanisms and realistic outcomes that clearly tend to differ a bit between cheating husbands and cheating wives.

Yes, the male mind has far greater capacity for compartmentalization than the female mind does. It is far more likely therefore that a WH will cake-eat and hang on to a dual life and do it for longer (pre- and post-discovery). As much as this hurts his crying wife, it does provide more opportunity for her to Plan A/B and allow time/pressure to crumble the affair. You don�t see very often a WH in short order file for divorce, ram it through, and go headlong into marital abandonment/exclusive-affair-pursuit mode. It does occasionally happen, but typically a WH will try to hang on to two women for as long as possible. If the affair remains clandestine, WHs often do it and get away with it for years. Men tend to be incautious and less cognizant of consequences when entering the affair, but more reluctant and cognizant of consequences when considering divorcing his wife for the OW he's been keeping on the side. When push comes to shove, many WHs don't really want a divorce.

Cheating-wives tend to enter an affair with far greater awareness and fore-knowledge of the marital implications and far greater emotional �investment� in their affair-partner. By the time the �we�re just friends� EA-nonsense becomes frankly sexual, a WW is likely to be far more addicted & sold-out to her OP and far more convinced that she �needs out of her marriage to be happy with OP� than a WH usually is. [And don�t kid yourself folks�unless it�s a long-distance internet thing or is caught VERY early, pure-EAs are pretty darn rare�most affairs are PAs well before they are discovered. All cheaters lie, but WWs especially tend to reluctantly admit to emotional attachment with the OM while implausibly denying that any physical consummation ever took place]. Wives may cheat less often than husbands (although that gap has been narrowing substantially over the last several decades), but they are more likely to reject recovery and pursue divorce when they do so. There is a bit of cultural bias here: our society still tends to view an affairing-husband as �a ho-good, two-timing cheater� and an affairing-wife as just a �victim of a bad marriage who just fell in love with someone else�. It's much easier for a WW to whitewash, sugarcoat, and "spin" her adultery-story than it is for a WH.

I agree that it seems logical that WWs are �more likely to care what other people think of them� but that doesn�t necessarily translate into being �more willing to stop the affair once confronted�. Many times (myriad MB & real-life examples here) I have sensed and witnessed the former but very rarely have I seen the latter. It is exceedingly rare for a romantic-affairing-WW to VOLUNTARILY end an adulterous relationship in full swing with a willing/reciprocating OM. Cheating wives usually resolve the �what-other-people-think-issue�, not by ending their adultery, but by viciously demonizing and badmouthing their BH & their marriage to family and friends. In short, they search for willing allies�cozying up those people that accept, overlook, or go along with their affair-life and discarding or marginalizing those that do not. It is much easier and more socially-acceptable for a (cheating) wife to vilify a �bad husband� and/or a �bad marriage� than it is for a (cheating) husband to do the converse. WWs often have little difficulty finding sympathetic and/or sycophantic ears among those they scapegoat their husband to�in order to rationalize, CYA, and justify doing that which they would never condone under any circumstances being done to them.

[Politically Incorrect moment coming here]
Let�s be honest here folks�in addition to the psycho-social mechanisms at play, a divorcing-WH usually has much more to lose financially than a divorcing-WW, he can�t generally plan on his OP to support/rescue him, and the family court system is flagrantly biased for women/mothers and against husbands/fathers�no matter who is the wayward in a no-fault state (which most are). As PSUBIKER (and I) have experienced, all a WW has to do to win misplaced sympathy in court is say �I�m scared�, cry a few crocodile tears, and bat her eyes while unrepentantly selling out her values and vows � and every WW knows that double-standard in advance. No man, wayward or betrayed, could ever get away with self-serving & diversionary mendacity like that. Remember, about 70% of divorces in the US are filed for by THE WIFE and there is no way all of those are BWs throwing in the towel.

None of the above makes WHs any less evil or cruel or wrong or sinful than WWs. But, it does explain the undeniable reality, acknowledged herein, that WW-affairs are less likely to result in recovery and more likely to result in divorce than their male counterparts.

WHs do this a fair amount of the time.
WWs ALMOST NEVER do this.

Both affairs are equally evil, but only one has become recoverable. Thank you, Cobol, for illustrating my point.

But usually, they are only vocal about AFTER they've met the affair partner.

If only they had used those allegedly superior communication skills to share with their now betrayed husband that they were becoming overflowed with resentments.

I think a large part of that overflow is the re-writing of history after they meet the affair partner.

We all know waywards lie. Therefore, if they didn't say it BEFORE the affair, saying it once the affair starts is suspect. (And that is being generous to the wayward.)

Do I believe they had valid criticisms of the marriage? Of course I do. But I doubt those criticisms reach the level of resentment and criticism a wayward (either husband or wife) presents after they are involved in the affair.

So if they never said they were unhappy before the affair, any complaints once they've begun the affair are most likely justification for their affair.

Almost verbatim what my ex-wife said. Said she had been trying, but was just too tired, didn't want to, whatever. When asked specific questions, the same, vague, I was trying so hard...

When asked for a list of her specific complaints, she said she didn't want to give them to me because she was afraid I would use them against her in the divorce.

Promised to give me that list after the divorce was final.

To this date, I've still never seen them, and the divorce was final over five years ago now.

Maybe there really were no complaints. I just wasn't as exciting as a married man, almost 20 years older than me, near her father's age, who was willing to leave his wife to be with her.

That didn't turn out so good for her.

Of course my mind was fogged out at the time, though I admit part of me cringes at the "fog" because it might be used in an "I couldn't help it because I was in a fog" kind of way by WS's, BUT My marriage really was BAD prior to the A. I thought many times about leaving. But I knew that if I left, I would be the bad guy, and after "all he had put me through," I didn't want to be the bad guy. So when my "friend" started noticing how hot/pretty/smart/funny blah blah blah......Oh! I can get what I am ENTITLED to and not have to leave H and be the bad guy. I'll live the wife/mother thing and still have "fulfillment."

Insert giant vomit here.

Yeah, I know exactly what the above sounds like. It sounds like an immature, selfish, self-serving, entitled, little scheming liar. That because that is what I was. I could have been more insistent in my complaints. I could have used all that resentment energy to actually WORK on my bad marriage. I could have drawn a line in the sand and separated to "wake him up." Or I could have just sucked it up and divorced regardless of the stigma. Any of that would have been better than sleeping with another man while making sure all my friends started hearing about how neglectful my H was.

So was I more ruthless than a man? I don't know. But I know I was ruthless and manipulative and a whole lot of other things the mods wouldn't let me type. And I had to hit bottom before I was willing to see it. Sometimes I'm still amazed that H was still around when I got there.

That makes sense to me Luri....To the point that the reason why my WH didnt just D me and leave....He didnt want to be the bad guy, still doesnt...So this was his way of getting what he wanted (OW) and not having to leave me....warped logic but it makes sense. Sounds exactly like my WH.

But makes me sad because that means the reason he didnt want to leave me wasnt cuz he had any love left for me, it was because he didnt want to be the bad guy, totally selfish...Oh well...I have given up anyway.

I'm so sorry still. He's a big dummy!

I someones wonder if I have some sort of "man in a woman's body" thing. Not in the gross sex change way. But many of my thoughts during the A, my view of sex in general, the way my top EN's are all on the men's side.....I don't know.

Then again, I usually don't fit the mold. Weirdness is my spiritual gift.

Yeah, thanks Luri....


Can you paralell park....That might be a good indicator if your a man in a womans body.....

{{{{Still}}}}}

Loves ya sweetie....and WH IS the bad guy (and stoopid too..... :D)

Not

ps....I HATE threads like these

Thanks Not, Love the hugs..

Uh....okay, I am a woman (whew!) Parking, driving, directions.....not my strong areas.

WHen I pick up my DS from school its mostly moms. The cars are parked a car length apart cuz no one can judge how close they are to the car in front of them....sometimes someone tries to park in between and they cant do it and have to park a mile away.It is hysterical watching women trying to parallel park ...

Men just seem to be able to do it I dont know why....My WH could back up fast into a tiny parking space...Well I could too but I would hit everything next to me....

I am one of the great parallel parkers of all time. If there was a parallel parking contest I would seriously win.

A small, but telling. thing.

The rational vs. emotional battle continues to rage. Which will win? Even I am losing interest.

Nah that would be me! I am parker champion!!