Thanks, schoolbus. I like that idea a lot! Have daughter bring the niece to me. Perfect. I don't feel it's right to have daughter bring niece to my H.

Doesn't that seem like more abuse to you? It does very much to me.

After you tell your 14 y/o that it isn't her responsibility to tell the 17 y/o cousin about her mother's affair, then here's what YOU say:


And yes, your husband is with you!




Dear Niece:

A number of years ago some things happened that resulted in our having to cut ties with your parents.

In order to protect our family, we have had to make sure that your uncle and your mom, as well as your mom and Delta, no longer have contact with one another. Contact with each other poses a risk to our family that we are not willing to take, because our marriage and family are our priority. Our children know everything that occurred. Your parents elected not to discuss the issues with you. That was their choice at the time, and although we do not necessarily agree with that choice, we have to respect that decision because we are not your parent.

Perhaps when you are an adult we can discuss the events, but as a minor child we are unable to talk with you in detail. At this point, it might be important for you to ask your parents to fill you in, but we cannot. If your parents do tell you things, and if you have any questions, feel you are owed an apology, or want to know anything at all, please know that we will stand ready to help in any way we can.

This entire event was quite painful for our family, and continues to be difficult. We love you, and you know that in spite of everything else, we will love you. This event should not stand in the way of us having a continued relationship. We want that to be known, because it is very important for you to know that.




She will argue. Stand your ground. Until she is an adult, no matter how angry you might feel, no matter how ugly your sister has been, IMHO the parents make this decision. I do not necessarily believe it to be right or wrong in this case. It is their child - until she is grown up they still make the decision.

That's what I believe about parental choice, anyway. As much as I hate it.

There is no reason that an ADULT hasn't told the child.

If the adults are afraid to tell ALL parties involved...why should they expect another child to do the telling?

The adults are thinking only of themselves.

Putting a teenaged child in this position is deplorable.

committed

Thanks again, schoolbus.

I agree. The parents should be the ones to have already told their children. That would be the best way to deal with this horrendous situation.

My opinion is still that you, Delta, send the BIL an email telling him that you will not keep this a secret from his kids and that he can tell them or they can hear it from other relatives.
Say that you much PREFER that the story comes from him, the father, rather than bits and pieces from other relatives. That is not really fair to his kids.

Hopefully, he will understand that folks are not going to help him keep this secret from the kids and will prepare them. No one is obliged to help your sister hide her crimes.

I am leery about your H having initiating any contact at all BECAUSE a) he is not supposed to be contacting anyway and b) it will come across as morally superior for HIM, of all people, to force the BH to tell his kids. It is different coming from you, Delta, since you are also a BS.

I have promised myself that I will not contact BIL again. After the things he has said to me, I will not allow myself to stick my neck out one more time to hear his abuse.

We apparently have much different views on how to deal with this ordeal. They apparently want to sweep it all under a rug one more time and for the relationships to be restored while me and H want nothing to do with either of them again.

Maybe I should have someone send BIL a link to this thread.

There's a thought.

Do NOT teach your daughter it's okay to keep secrets like this. You would basically be teaching her to lie. It's not her responsibility to keep your sister's secret. Coaching her what to say to her cousins would be an awful thing to do. I wouldn't coach her to do anything. I would tell your daughter that your sister hasn't told her children, so be sensitive to that, but don't feel that you have to cover for them. If you daughter has loose lips and they find out, so be it, BFD. But DO NOT involve your daughter in covering up someone else's lie. That is the absolute worst lesson you could teach her.

Uh, I would say NO to that....it doesn't sound like he WANTS any help, and all that would do is give him some insight into you and your issue's. I've seen too many people use this place as way to "get back" or do more harm to the one's who use this place for help.....

I've been reading along because I KNOW what its like to be 14 and have to deal with this. Not in the same circumstances as you are dealing with, but have done this anyway. I also had to watch and help my own DD14 when H was head long in "Affairland".

I will say, I know as a mom you are worried for her and even PO'ed about her having to go through this. But as long as she has you and H to be able to talk through it and ask, she will be good. And a good BFF doesn't hurt either......

Not

Jim - or anyone else,

Blunt and sincere question: do you feel that doing what schoolbus has suggested is teaching my daughter to lie?

In my opinion, not at all. Schoolbus has phrased the proper answer very artfully. You are now trapped in a situation that's beyond crappy, through no fault of your own. Some of the fault lies with your FWH, but via your description of matters, he's manned up and done everything in his powers to provide just compensation.

Life is complicated, and stupid past decisions turn it into something Rube Goldberg wouldn't even attempt to draw.

This is simply one way of making the best of a horrible situation.

I know, I know. I was only half serious. It would do more harm than good.



Thanks!

No....however, I do think Jim has the best solution. Just let the situation go and whatever plays out, plays out. If DD doesn't tell the cousin, that doesn't make her a liar, not in my book anyway. If she does tell her, it doesn't make her a snitch.

Has your DD been asking you what to do? I know you said she has been uneasy about this upcoming meeting, but has she asked how to handle this IF cousin asks her?

And quite honestly, IF the cousin were to find out from DD and the cousins parents go on attack, to me, if the they were that worried about then WHY are they letting the cousin to see ya all anyway???.....

If they were THAT concerned on keeping this a secret, they would be doing a better job of it then that.....

Not

One thing I did want to add....I hope you H is doing everything he can to help his DD through this. That would include helping her deal with her anger TOWARDS HIM. Not just for the A, but for the aftermath of it. This will help her the MOST. If he is not doing this, then he is leaving her with a legacy of his own doing.......

Also, for YOU, I hope you are not using your DD as a "friend" though this. She does not need this burden. Keep in mind she is your child, not your BFF.....



Not

Delta, there are ways around this. Mainly by blocking his emails. You don't have to listen to anything but you can tell him that no one in your family will keep this secret for him and his wife. This way, when his children hear about it, they will have had fair warning and an opportunity to tell them first.

Absolutely, I would not tell your DD to NOT tell her cousin. That is inappropriate to demand that your child ENABLE this sick, dysfunctional behavior. And besides, she probably will do it anyway, so why put her in a position where she has to keep something from you like she is doing something WRONG?

No more secrets. Secrets are what kept your family SICK in the past and it won't make the family healthy in the future.

JIM IS RIGHT... Don't involve your DD in this sick little cover up. Don't make her an accessory to the crime of a wayward wife.

No more secrets...

H is talking to her about his deep regret as well as his sorrow for her, me and our family. He is giving her opportunities to express her anger toward him (without allowing her to be disrespectful). He has told her she can come to him anytime to discuss the A and its aftermath.

If you have more suggestions about things he can be doing, they are welcome.

I am discussing some of the above with my daughter, too, but she is definitely not my "go to" person to discuss my issues. I am here for her, and I ask her questions once in a while and I'm there when she needs a shoulder to cry on. I don't go to her when I need a shoulder to cry on ... that's my H's job.

Yes

Try asking how she thinks she should handle this?......

I'm not saying that as a child she do what is she thinks is right, but in asking this you are helping her GUIDE herself through her own through process. It also shows that you love her and respect her enough to LET her do this.

It's easy to GIVE our children the right answer, but at this age its also good to help them learn their own thought process, because lets face it, she coming of an age where you and dad won't always be around to give the right answers......

This is going to be a GREAT lesson for her to look back on in the future....

Not