WXH and I are divorced....it was final end of November. He bought me out of the house last month and ds10 and I have moved to a new house. If you remember I discovered he was having an affair with a co-worker 20 years younger than him and subsequently discovered he had had an affair with my then 19 year old cousin 7 years prior. I went immediately to plan D. What do you make of this conversation he and I had via text yesterday?

WXH: I am off on Friday. Can I have ds10 early that morning or Thursday evening?
SW: Friday morning probably. What are your plans?
WXH: No real plans yet, my brother is coming by that morning so I thought it would be nice for ds10 to see him. Maybe a float trip after that. Are you gonna buy a PS3?
SW: I don�t know. He really needs a computer.

30 minutes later

WXH: How are you?
SW: Surviving. You?
WHX: Same�
SW: Is it how you thot it would be?
WXH: Not really. U?
SW: No. Sure not the way I wanted my life to be at this point.
WHX: Too bad we could not have been nicer to each other. It would have been much less stress on everyone plus we would have had everything paid for in a couple of years. I guess it is just a lesson in life at this point.
SW: Lessons in lives that are more than half over
WHX: Yep, pretty sad. Live the rest to the fullest.
SW: I think that is what got u in trouble to begin with.
WXH: LOL I just didn�t want to argue. It sucked and snowballed everything else.
SW: I just wanted to be appreciated. Nothing I ever did was good enough 4 you.
WXH: Sorry. I felt the same way. Maybe we should have really talked more. Oh well�. (1:30 p.m.)

7:30 p.m.
WXH: Did you get the deposit we had with gas company?
SW: No. Why?
WXH: I had to pay $110 deposit.
SW: Yep. I had to pay deposits too. Divorce is expensive. In all ways.

Thank you.

SW, you filed for and were granted a divorce. Be done with it.

I'm not schoolbus, but your wxh is saying, "Dang I almost had it made! Everything paid for, complacent wife, all the chicks I could bang for a buck, then you had to get all nosey and ruin it. If I'm nice to you, can I get my money back?"

LOL...You made me laugh. You are right though. I don't understand him, but guess I don't need to any more.

I am not SB.
This is what I got out of it.

"poor poor pitiful me"
Underappreciated entitled wayward crap.

Do NOT engage.
His head is filled with fluff and goose feathers.

And, I read ZERO insight on his part.

I too am not SB. What I was thinking about when I was reading this was, what DOES it matter to you? If you found out that your WH DID want to get back together, would YOU? That is the part I found interesting. The fact that it seemed to matter to you. I don't see anything in WH's texts that would change the fact that he is wayward. Like Pep said, I read, "Poor Poor Me" syndrome.

No. I wouldn't. I don't want him back. I guess I want to understand what goes on in his mind....but everytime I try to figure it out I just end up getting enraged and all in turmoil. You will notice he makes it sound like we got divorced because we argued. Um, no. I've told him before when he says stuff like this.....'The arguing I was used to...it was you having sex with others that was too much for me.' He is crazy in the head and I am MUCH better with no contact.

Today he picked ds10 up....I had ds wait in the driveway...and when I saw his truck approaching I said good bye to ds and went in the house. LOVE it when I can dodge him that way...well, then I'll be if I don't come out of the gas station and there he is getting gas parked next to my car.

What I feel is that he wants to be friendly with me. I think he misses me a lot....we got into another big texting war last night....he told me he asked me to stop the divorce but I wouldn't. I told him he did nothing to stop it...his words meant nothing and he showed no action that said he wanted to stop. So yeah, he is wayward...and I woke up this morning so mad at myself for letting myself try to reason with him last night. I have to quit talking to him about our failed marriage. It is pointless. Very hard to move on though. I guess I would like him to say, 'SW, you were a good wife and I just screwed it all up. I am sorry.' And honestly he HAS said, "I am really sorry for all that (meaning the adultery)" So yeah, I just need to take that as he best I"m ever gonna get out of him and move on.

I was thinking about you this morning and what I wrote. I hope you didn't think that I was implying that you wanted your XWH back, I just was asking if there were still feelings there. I know that you say all of the time that you don't want to take him back so I was wondering why you were wondering about the texts. I think you have cleared that up. I too believe that you may NEVER get that from your XWH but you do KNOW it right? I am SURE that you were a GREAT wife and I know that you are a great mom.

WXH: I am off on Friday. Can I have ds10 early that morning or Thursday evening?
SW: Friday morning probably. What are your plans?
WXH: No real plans yet, my brother is coming by that morning so I thought it would be nice for ds10 to see him. Maybe a float trip after that. Are you gonna buy a PS3? The PS3 comment is him fishing to see if HE is going to have to shell out the money or if you are going to do it yourself.
SW: I don�t know. He really needs a computer.

30 minutes later

WXH: How are you? I am feeling very sad, lonely, and trying to figure out why I screwed my life up...I think I might have a chance with you if I am gentle and sad sounding.
SW: Surviving. You?
WHX: Same� Please ask me what I mean by this. I don't even really know what I mean by this, but maybe if you ask me, lead me, I might be able to pull my head out of my own butt and figure it out. I always leaned on you for that, and now you are not here to do things for me.
SW: Is it how you thot it would be?
WXH: Not really. U? I'm actually worried that you are happier than I want you to be. I am hoping you are miserable, that you miss me, and that the next words out of your mouth might be something along the lines of asking me to consider a reconciliation, although I don't even know what that might mean.
SW: No. Sure not the way I wanted my life to be at this point.
WHX: Too bad we could not have been nicer to each other. I still am not ready to openly accept that my own behavior is what led to our divorce. I think it might sound more acceptable to my own ears if I say that we needed to be nicer to each other, because to openly confess that I was completely responsible for the affair behaviors would mean that I would have to accept that I am blameworthy and slimy. I can't go there. It would kill my ego and I am nowhere near ready for that. Besides, it just sounds so much more "new age" and "modern" to say we were both to blame - and I am still trying to be "young and cool" which is what got me here in the first place...only I can't go there yet....crap. It would have been much less stress on everyone plus we would have had everything paid for in a couple of years. I wish I wouldn't have these kinds of thoughts, because it ruins the "happiness" I thought I would have. This reality gig stinks. Actually, I would really like it if you would pick up on my hints that I have been thinking about you here lately, and thinking that I might have been to blame, and don't you really miss ME???? It would be good if YOU would admit this, and it would make things easier if I didn't have to work to make things right. I guess it is just a lesson in life at this point. Have you thought about this too?
SW: Lessons in lives that are more than half over YOU SAY THAT YOU DID PICK UP ON THE HINTS, BUT YOU ARE STILL POINTING OUT THAT HE IS 50 PLUS YEARS OLD AND HASN'T STRAIGHTENED HIMSLEF OUT YET.
WHX: Yep, pretty sad. Live the rest to the fullest. OUCH, he says. So you don't want me back. That hurt.
SW: I think that is what got u in trouble to begin with.
WXH: LOL I just didn�t want to argue. What "sucked" was that once I got caught it created much more arguing. It seemed easier at the time to just divorce...to just not argue it all out...there seemed too much to overcome that I could not argue it all out. I was defeated. It sucked and snowballed everything else. The snowball was that I had created a mess that got larger and larger, and I could no longer see a way out. I abandoned ship.
SW: I just wanted to be appreciated. Nothing I ever did was good enough 4 you. YOU MISSED HIS POINT. HE WAS CONFESSING DEFEAT...YOU WENT OFF ON ANOTHER TACK, NOT REALIZING WHERE HIS THOUGHTS HAD GONE.
WXH: Sorry. I felt the same way. Maybe we should have really talked more. He sees the miss - and knows that the work that is to be done really is a mountain, and he sighs... Oh well�. (1:30 p.m.)

7:30 p.m.
WXH: Did you get the deposit we had with gas company? He had to write a check, so he is looking to understand what happened...your explanation was PERFECT.
SW: No. Why?
WXH: I had to pay $110 deposit.
SW: Yep. I had to pay deposits too. Divorce is expensive. In all ways.

Thanks SB. I was so happy to come home and see your analysis....it actually came at the perfect time. I went to pick ds10 up at WXH's this evening at 6:00. He knew I was coming...I even called him when I was 5 minutes away and asked him to have ds ready. I get there and not only is POSOW THERE (at what was MY house 3 weeks ago) but she is sitting in the driveway watching the kids with fireworks. I had been invited to a cook out across the street from my old house...and when I saw her sitting in the driveway, I pulled into the neighbors driveway instead. I called XWH, who could see me, and when he answered as he stood in the driveway I said, 'I can't believe you have the nerve to have that homewrecking whore sitting in my driveway when I come to get ds10.' Well, he went off on my wording choice...'not YOUR house.'.....and then ds came out of the neighbors to greet me.....so I hung up. I had ds go get his back from his dad's and I stayed in the neighbors driveway...I was so mad, so upset....I wanted to drive my car over there and run over her. Instead I stood there across the street and stared at her...and in a few minutes she got up and went in the house. I went in my neighbors where there were a ton of people and tried to enjoy the evening.

It was horrible. How am I going to do this? How am I going to drop ds off and wonder every time if she will be there? How can I do this? And then on the way home, even though HOURS had passed....I said WAY to much to ds and NONE of this is his fault and he doesn't deserve to have his mother melt down about it in front of him.

I am freaked out totally....I want to kill them both. I hate them.

What is WRONG with me? I don't WANT him. I know he is no good. I know I am better off alone than with him. So what then? It feels like he has won somehow...the neighbors are polite to him....but invited ME over for the cook out---not him---but he had the nerve to walk over there and chat them up before I got there.....they didn't invite him in or to eat even though at that moment they thought I wasn't going to come. I made a last minute decision to stay when I saw her in the driveway. I am rambling I know...I don't know why though it feels like he has won and I've lost! He has our house, the big job, and a young girlfriend! And my son doesn't even hate her like I want him to! I just feel like screaming.

I have got to get hold of myself.

It's OK, SW. It's really OK. They just got to you. Just remember -- you're doing what you're suppose to be doing. They aren't. OW in the driveway is just to bait you. Too bad the neighbors didn't stop by and chat up what an asset to the neighborhood YOU are. OW is trash and everyone knows it. WH just doesn't want to be alone. Poor, pitiful BROKE Mr. SW.

Here is the thing HH....she is of course IMMORAL...and I guess that makes her trash. But really she is not what I would describe as trashy. She is young and attractive and has a college education and a good job. She is 25 years old! Ok, let me think....those things do not negate the fact that she was part and party to the destruction of two families. They deserve each other. If only I didn't have to send my ds to spend time with them! I know I could get over it much faster if I never had to see them or speak to them.

And I am not sure they were trying to bait me....maybe....but with XH it is more that he is just CLUELESS that life will not go on like nothing is wrong! Ok, now I am thinking he DID try to bait me! And I fell for it! Well, they went in the house and then left shortly afterwards....guess they felt shunned by the neighborhood embracing SW and not them. Later when it was dark I had to run to the store and JUST as I came back they were leaving...in seperate cars but at the same time....going to her place I guess. I had parked on the street and the neighborhood was FULL of kids and fireworks going off and I just stood next to my car door as they both drove right past me. She didn't even look at me....I wanted to smash her window in or scream out WHORE!!!!! I have to let this go!

SW,

I have to see the OW in my sitch all the time. It is an unfortunate fact, but I have had to come to the point where I live with it.

I have figured out that humor is the best way for me to deal with it. Yep - seems counter-intuitive, but it has worked over time for me.

I see her in the local store? "Clean up on aisle 7. Bring the hazardous waste team."

I see her on Main Street? "Sl&* alert! Please put out an all points bulletin, bring your husbands in off the streets, and be sure to lock down any married men."

I see her driving in her car? "Oh no! She's out trawling again! Notify the local Trawl Patrol and be sure the local TV channels put up the banners and maps, so married women everywhere will be able to track her movements and protect their men!"


I think of new ones all the time.



They definitely baited you. Next time - you walk right up to her, stare into her face until your DS is out of earshot. Then say nothing until you are completely ready to leave. Make sure nobody can hear you, and say:

"Oh, I had to check closely.. you must be her twin....I figure there's so much crap they had to start a second pile."

Then go back to your car and leave.

SB

((SW))
My ex baits me too. I have definately gotten better at my responses in front of him haha. We have a similar story at the stand point of the home and everything. He got the house and then lost it. All because his ego wouldnt give it to me, he had to have it. I feel like it if I cant have it, you wont either. I now have to see him and OW when they pick up kids. Only comfort I have is, I know hes not happy. They didnt change their ways for the OW, they are still renters. We didnt make them that way. I dont want mine back either. I know that it would only be hurt. However I have a text message where he admitted what he did was wrong, and I have it saved, just in case he never says it again. I still cry at our songs, and 90% of the time, I cry after dropping the kids. We loved with our whole hearts, and it was meant to be forever. THey were the ones that dropped out, we are just trying to catch up.

{{{{{SW}}}}}},

I am so very, very sorry for that. Yeah, waywards are SCUM!!!! It was definately a setup, whether it was intentional or not.

Next, time hold that BEAUTIFUL head of yours HIGH, and stick that CHEST out...and smile....KNOWING that YOU my dear are worth so much MORE than the two of them put together. And smile because YOU have a secret.....

the secret is there is NO WAY in HE77 that relationship will ever be as full-filling as they truly desire.....EVER.....

Not

SW,

This is something BW's have to deal with that BH's almost never do. If an OM rubbed it in a BH's face like that, there would be violence, and perhaps a toe tag in somebody's immediate future.

You get a {{{{{SW}}}} from me, because I can't imagine ever being able to handle the situation like you did. Torture ain't a strong enough word for it. Hang in there.

I think I could deal with it easier if the marriage had recovered. I remember when my best friend's WH was waffling between my friend and the OW....I remember my friend saying she didn't want the OH to 'win.' I thot that was crazy because he was nothing to 'win.' Now I understand though...it does feel like she and he have won.

After ds went to sleep I cried for a long time. So I woke up with swollen eyes, but went on to services this morning. The lesson was about Christian men and how they should treat their wives...I had studied the lesson ahead of time, but it REALLY affectd me this morning, realizing that I never had that with him. He was never a good husband and that is the truth. I dont really feel like so many of you do that he turned alien....he was never right for me. So I think part of why I am so mad is that I put up with SOOOOO much trying to do the right thing and then when I'm 44 years old he puts me in the position where I CAN'T put up with him anymore.

So...see I can't get this straight in my head. He was a terrible husband, but he was MY husband. The house was just a house, but it was MY house. My son is MY son and I don't want him exposed to the homewrecker that took that from me. And yes I am the one that divorced him, but I wouldn't have if he had not been sleeping with her.

I might have to plan B my old neighbor until I can get a handle on myself. Ugh.

Yes, I was seeing a man for a few months...and XWH tried to start a physical fight with him in my driveway. XWH FORCED the confrontation, he forced the situation where my son was introduced to this man before I wanted to do so. Not only was I divorced from WH, but this man I was seeing had NOTHING to do with our divorce. I didn't even meet him until after the divorce was final. So you would think WH would know how it feels...and how much worse it feels when SHE is the one who was having the affair with my then husband.