And another thing, there are 'temporary orders' on the divorce papers. She 'can' use those if she chooses to have me move. I really don't see how I will win that one....that sucks. Any legal help here? I know I can ask my attorney, but anyone here that has gone through that will probably be able to shed some light.

Bust her on the card. Figure out how the card is being used, and if it is being used for OM, cut it up. If she gets a new one, cut it up as well. Allowing contact may be why she hasn't changed her mind about divorce. The fog won't clear until she has not been in contact w/ OM for several months. I have had serious doubts that she as an addict has been able to cut off all contact w/ OM, especially since her tune hasn't changed. She probably has been calling him and is angry with you because that isn't enough anymore to get her fix. Do what you did before. Get proof of contact and expose again.

As for the lawyer, talk to your lawyer about your strategy for custody.

Has a divorce actually been filed and temporary orders signed by the Judge? If not, then there ARE NO temporary orders in place. If she has filed but you haven't been served, there ARE NO temporary orders in place. Have you been served? Please fill me in and I can help you from there. I've been in the legal field (litigation) for over 25 years.

I think he was served about a month ago.

Yes, PrincessMeggy..I was served on May 18th. She has not wanted to go the temporary orders way to 'be nice' to me and time with daughter. But, the more time that goes by, the more 'angry' she is that she did not as she wants this divorce done 'yesterday.' The 60 day waiting period comes up next week and she is going to be interesting to be around

We went to counseling again today. Lots of issues brought to table...she is still adamant about what she wants (divorce). I am still hopeful. We are on totally different pages. We'll see...again, spending time together is always good and the counselor is 2 hours away. And we had a two hour session. Then we went shopping for a bit.

She always gets in a 'funk' after counseling for a few days so I have to expect that this week. We'll see what transpires.

Igrip,

There is NO WAY on God's green earth you should be paying for any part of that calling card! In effect, you are helping to finance her ongoing-affair by doing so. If she wants to get her own, you can't stop her from hiding it somewhere, but CANCEL THAT JOINT CARD NOW!

You are past the point of �snooping� and exposing, correct? Then, there is no secret about her having an affair or you being able to verify it. You have already done that. Then eliminate any and all joint/comingled funds for & sources of her contact with OM. Make sure she isn�t using joint credit cards, bank accounts, phones, computers, etc. to contact/see the OM. You can�t necessarily stop her completely from doing it on her own (and with her own dime), but there is NO WAY again that you should be validating it or paying for it in even the slightest way. You need to make continued contact w/ OM as difficult & costly as possible to her! Your marriage cannot survive an ongoing, propagating affair�and contact is what keeps it watered.

I would definitely bust her big time (verbally) on those calls and expose that again to everyone. Plan A involves BOTH the carrot & the stick. The stick is snooping, exposure, cutting off all possible funds/sources of affair-contact within your control, and displaying ZERO TOLERANCE about the OM towards her. Plan A without the �full stick� quickly becomes Plan Manipulation for a WW and Plan Doormat for a BH.

I don't understand why you are in MC with an actively-cheating wife! WT Heck??? That NEVER WORKS (she�s not there with the same motives and goals you are) and it is usually counter-productive (it lets WW demonize you in counseling and pretend to the rest of the world that she "tried everything first"). Refuse MC with her until you are in recovery.

IC for you is fine and good, but MC is NOT the treatment for ongoing adultery! There are no �issues� between you two to discuss in counseling at present. The only �issue� of paramount importance right now is THE AFFAIR. You deal with marital problems & conflicts AFTER the affair is over, not before. Please end this charade immediately!

The only reason an active-WW agrees to MC is to assuage her own guilt and make herself look �serious� to everyone else while she sabotages the sessions behind-closed-doors with her fog-babble and fingerpointing.

Trust me, Igrip, I was there and made this mistake...I know what I'm talking about here!!!

She is angry about the divorce going slowly because she is still on contact w/ OM. If you had better policed her and kept her from contacting OM by exposing her every time she did, you might have been on your way to recovery. Do not stand idly by and allow contact to continue. It is killing your hopes at reconciliation.

I agree with Jim. Igrip, you have advantages I didn't--your WW is still at home and her family isn't sucking up to her affair-fantasy.

You should be on her like a hawk regarding contact with OM. Policing her like a bloodhound. There's no way you should be allowing or ignoring contact going on in your home or via your phones/computers/etc. Any contact that does happen (or you even reasonably suspect), should be exposed again to everyone and the modes/methods of that contact should be eliminated as much as you are able.

Only 2 elements are required to maintain her affair-addiction:
1) Ongoing or renewed contact and...
2) A willing OM

If these 2 continue, you are going to end up divorced. WWs don't tend to cake-eat as long as WHs do (heck, she has already filed) and they often ram through a divorce as soon as they are confident that the OM will "be there" for them to run to.

Please take this advice you are getting from SDCW & Jim, Igrip. Your WW is still in contact with OM and is placating you by occasionally throwing out little nuggets of hope to keep you heading toward an "amicable" divorce.

Your situation is eerily familiar to what mine was. I suspect that you are reaching a point here where you are going to have to make a stand and decide what YOU want. You feel crippled because you feel like she holds all the cards..."If I get too crazy about the calling card, then she will do X,Y,Z...and you fear that you are going to drive her out the door sooner. And so, you keep sitting back and analyzing every nuance of everything she says and does...and hoping. Hoping that somehow all of the nice gestures and words are sinking in and that ultimately she will realize what a horrible mistake she is making, will change her mind completely, and that things will return to what they were before all of this started. Unfortunately, hoping isn't a plan.

If you want to save your marriage, then please, with your best Plan A stick, take care of this calling card immediately, expose more, and KILL this affair.

If that isn't want you want, then you need to put another plan in action...immediately. Start calling the shots for your life, my friend.

What honestguy described in his 2nd paragraph are precisely the mistakes I made...the inevitable result is detailed in my sig line. Igrip, you are making these same understandable mistakes even though you have advantages (WW at home & a supportive, involved in-law family) that I did not.

You are being far too passive, appeasing, and tolerant of your WWs ongoing cheating...out of fear of "rocking the boat" or "driving her away". I guarantee you that nothing will seal your marriage's doom more assuredly than looking-the-other-way and just hoping she will come to her senses in "Mr. Nice Guy", doormat fashion.

Please, please keep your head, find your spine, and stand up for your MARRIAGE (if you still want it, as I strongly suspect that you do). Re-expose the affair and every means/mode of contact that has continued to sustain it & cut these off in a firm ZERO-TOLERANCE fashion to her. Make it absolutely clear to her that her affair is UNACCEPTABLE and that there will be no "amicable divorce" if she chooses to continue indulging it.

Make sure she is completely aware that continuing her affair will result in a protracted, ugly divorce...there will be no "still good friends" afterwards and she will suffer embarrassment, shame, and loss of her family and many friends as a result. Right now, she is fence-sitting a bit, tossing a few relationship crumbs to keep you pacified, and believing that "everything will work out" to her favor. She thinks she will get an "amicable" divorce, you two will remain friendly, and everyone will eventually go along with her affair-life. My xWW did all of this to me in a series of massive manipulations...I know of where I speak

You need to break her fantasy with a hard dose of REALITY--she can have a EITHER a recovering marriage with an intact family OR she will be left with her affair and great deal of devastating baggage/broken relationships. Decide if you want marriage or divorce and ACTIVELY CHOOSE ONE...Do It and knock some sense into her head right away!

SDCW_Man,

Re-exposure sounds good. No BS should be a doormat and adultery is evil. But is re-exposure effective? A BS likely comes across as crazy and jilted; the AP's dig in and fight back; and the A continues.

For what it's worth, I exposed three different times, as late as six months ago and as recently as two weeks ago.


------------

Me: BH, 39 (and jobless)
Her: WW, 33
2 young kids
EA: Fall '08
Move out: Fall '09
D-day: 01/22/10
D-day 2: 06/28/10
Exposed to 12 of my WW's and the OM's friends and family members
In plan A at Dr. Bill Harley's advice

Thanks everyone..bat me around a little bit, I can take it.

So, last night, she admitted 'calling' OM with the phone card just to listen to his voice mail recording because 'his voice relaxes her.' Total BS or not, she has called and it took a while, but she admitted it.

Today, she is looking at houses with a realtor and meeting with her attorney. Again, I know she 'has no plan' and is just out waving blindly. There are MANY obstacles to this divorce that will have to be jumped over..not mine, just life in general so an easy divorce or quick divorce is just not happening. For example, her mom built an addition to our house last year for her - spent $100k on it...however, the house is not worth any more money so if the house sells, she loses her $100k. Not going to happen. But, fact is, that my wife cannot refinance the house without my name on it..and I cannot keep my name on it...so before divorce, I live in the house with her mother next door? I can do it....wife won't like it. But, that is a fact. Big obstacle. IF she wants to buy another house, needs financing (unless her mother gives her the money, which I hope will not happen).

So, I have time on my side. I think. I have a plan that I am working. She said she 'does not believe' any of the new changes in me, which is understandable. She thinks "I will turn back to the old me' if we were to get back together. I understand it will take time for her to believe me and I am ok with that. However, her feelings for OM are still there and that bothers me, but I cannot do anything.

I told her last night not to use OUR money to contact or continue that affair in any way. Nicely, but firmly.

Will see what the lawyer tells her or what she finds out.

I want my previous wife back! Patience, just patience though.

Hi igrip,

I have not looked at your story in awhile but I did tonight. Wow igrip, have you been honest with yourself in truely deciding that you want to try to save your marriage and win your W back? Have you been honest with yourself in terms of how she is disrespecting you by continuing her affair in your marital home? This latter indicates to me that she wants you out of her life and that of her OM's despite your Plan A efforts, which she has been repelling.

I have not been thru a divorce ever. However, I am concerned about you now because you seem to be relying on 'obstacles' that may present to her challenges in divorcing you but not to procaction on your part. Of particular concern to me about your situation is that you seem to be allowing yourself to sit on a time bomb. If I saw that there was any option in the divorce petition for a restraining order against you I would have take action a long time ago. She intentionally included this (not from any experience here, but only from logic) as an option after the 60-day waiting period to throw you out. Now that has arrived and you think it is 'interesting ' about her seeing her attorney or what will happen after. Igrip, I have no doubt at this time that she will exercise that option or provision and the next time you post here it will be from a motel or rooming house. I do not think that you have established any protection for you and especially your daughter.

Also, in reviewing your last few pages I have noticed that the vets here have not been posting. Bad sign. As I have told you in previous posts I have said prayers for you and have had hope for you as to your happiness as well as your family. I continue to support you, but now I will advise you that. instead of simply hope, you now have a lot of walking to do on your own legs. Christ and our brothers and sisteres can support to a point. If you stop walking then your marriage dies on the beach.

Regards and prayers,

Tom

Igrip,

Forgive me for not being up to speed on all 50 pages of your thread, but I do not understand what Tom is refering to by this "restraining order option included in the divorce petition". Can you explain this please???

I'm not an attorney but (unless you have signed something otherwise) I don't understand how your WW could have you forcibly removed from the house unless/until:

A) That is what is mutually agreed upon in a settlement document OR

b) A judge awards her the house at a divorce trial

This doesn't sound good...it sounds like an exit strategy for her.
What's up here???

Igrip,

I'm not a board "vet", or anywhere close to being one. What I am though, is a guy, just like you, that came here a few years ago with my own little "problem". One by one the board vets provided advice on my thread, gave me the tools that I needed, and implored me to take action immediately. And you know what I did? I hemmed and hawed...I decided these were simply anonymous people who thought they had insight to my situation, and I appreciated their insight and a forum to vent, but that they certainly couldn't appreciate the complexity of my particular situation. I took the advice that suited me (the most comfortable, easy to do things...like being a Plan A nice guy / doormat) from the responses on this board, and disregarded the other advice (the stuff that was uncomfortable, hard to do, rock the boat kind of stuff...like expose her at work to everyone).

Like you, I analyzed everything day by day, looked for little morsels of hope, and some days when I pretended hard enough and there was no evidence of the A smacking me in the face, it seemed like a bad kind of normal (hopeful). I knew she was making calls and doing her communicating at work, and I had all of the spying set up at the house...but how was I going to really stop her at work? And my ex-ww picked up on all of that immediately. She knew to go with the flow at home, to keep me placated, yet make certain that I knew she wanted a D, and to completely downplay the importance of her A's in her decision to D me. She denied that she was talking to anyone, and even when I found hard evidence that she was (think calling card), she had the ability to even make me doubt what I knew to be true.

I see you acting and not acting in much the same manner I did. The one thing I did do right based on the advice that I received here was to take control of my own fate. You see, I got tired of being placated and lied to...I got tired of sitting back and hoping that she would come around. I got tired of allowing her to play with my future and my DD's future. I got tired of being tired. That's when I got MY plan together.



I have to disagree with you here. I think that she has a very thought out plan. And as Tom mentioned in his post to you, it wouldn't be surprising to see your next post from your laptop in a hotel or from your buddies house. When I met with my first divorce attorney, he told me that in his experience, most of his female clients show up after having thought about it for months, and in some cases years...most of his male clients showed up with no plan whatsoever, usually after getting blindsided with the news.



I'm not so sure you have either.




My EX thinks I'm a great guy now that she no longer has to rationalize and justify her affair. Note that I said EX.

But you can do something!!! Decide if your path is to save this marriage. If it is, then do something.

Ultimately, I decided that saving my M wasn't something I wanted. After finding the phone records about OM #2 or 3, or however many there really were, I decided that I shouldn't be treated that way, nor could I ever bring myself back around to caring about her again. It was my call from that point forward, and I did what was right for my daughter and I. A few years down the road, I know I did the right thing. Had I sat idly and let that situation continue to unfold the way that it was, I would have wound up as an every other weekend Dad living in an apartment down the road from my ex. And I would have been showing up every other Friday night to my old house while I watched the OM open the door to say good-bye to my daughter..."see you on Sunday".

Is that what you want? Does that image motivate you to take action one way or another? Don't think your WW is capable of "doing" that to you? Bet you didn't think she was capable of what she's doing now either.

This is a marriage building forum and site, so I'm certainly not encouraging you to pursue D. What I am encouraging you to do is pick a path here....otherwise you are about to get run over.

Igrip, if you're into the 60-day waiting period (without reading through your entire thread), that means at the end of 60 days, she can present a final order to the Judge for signing and you could be divorced. Usually what happens though is that the Judge will want you guys to have everything worked out in the decree before he'll sign off on it. He'll want both of your signatures of agreement. If there IS no agreement, then there will be a hearing/trial and the Court will decide who gets what.

Please tell me that you have your own attorney??? That you didn't sign any kind of waiver??

Your wife is scheming behind the scenes and I can assure you her attorney has advised her with a well thought out game plan.

What are you doing as far as the divorce? Hopefully you have an attorney who should be bombarding your wife with discovery requests. Can you depose the OM? Do you have an AOA statute in your state? You want to make divorce a DIFFICULT thing for her. As for her being "nice" about the temporary orders? They usually go both ways so I suspect she's not enforcing them because she doesn't want to abide by them either.

Please forgive me if you've already answered all this.

Honest guy.........That is one of, if not the best posts I have read!! Great job.

I understand everyone. And thank everyone. And everyone is right...I am just scared. I do not know what is right. I do not know what feels right. This is uncomfortable. I can see everyone and their prediction for my future ideas. I know and can see that. I am just plain scared as I am sure everyone on here can understand.

Yes, I have my own attorney, a bulldog (my wife has a bulldog and I do as well..they work together on many cases so we both have the 'best of the best').

All of this is uncomfortable. My thinking is that there are enough things in the way that it is going to take time to get a divorce..plain and simple. House sale, the fact that she needs financing for a house, her having to get a job, agreeing on separation of property....that really, it is going to take time. Time is good....I do not know my next step. I am just scared. I read and re-read these responses every day. Most of them are along the same lines of action as well......sorry I have not gone along with everything suggested. I will keep everyone in the loop. I just do not know.

Time does not work as long as your WW and OM are in contact and continuing their affair. Time just makes things worse as the affair continues.