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Well, I had my response all typed up and hit the danged backspace key. POOF! It's all gone. I'm starting over.  psst - if this happens again, try hitting Ctrl + Z (as in, hold down Ctrl and while you're holding it down, press Z. Then let go of both.) This is the Windows Undo and should reverse whatever boo-boo you just made.
Me, BW
WH cheated in corporate workplace for many years. He moved out and filed in summer 2008.
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Melody - I am also Irish all the way through - both sides of my family trace back to Ireland as far back as the 1850s - and I grew up in Texas myself.
I have a lot of understanding for how you must feel. "Resentment" just trivializes it, IMHO. What this woman did at your child's funeral was pure psychopathic evil. Now she's coming back to enjoy a second round, and what are you hearing from so many?
"Oh, now, dear, just take the high road. Show grace and dignity. Just ignore her and have a nice day."
In my experience, "take the high road" is just a frightened desperate plea that really means, "Good god, don't embarass us! Don't make a scene! Don't make us face up to what really happened here! Just let the rest of us go on hiding our heads in the sand and pretening nothing is wrong. Don't force us to take a stand against a vile excuse for a human being. That would be uncomfortable for US, so just keep quiet and don't make a fuss! We're okay if YOU suffer, but whatever you do don't cause any embarrassing discomfort for US!"
I say, Screw That.
Every fiber of your being is screaming out that Evil is Coming and your every instinct is to cut it off before it can reach you
and your family.
To me, that's normal. If a venomous snake was slithering up to you, would you just stand there and say, "Oh, no, I won't do anything to defend myself or make the snake go away. I'll just sit here and be mature. The snake will be SO impressed at my dignity that it won't bother me, and my friends will be SO relieved that I didn't make a fuss."
If this were me, I would do everything in my power to keep this nasty stinking woman away from me and my family. Wouldn't matter if it was a wedding or a trip to the city dump. She has proven that she has no place around any decent human beings.
How to keep her away?
Obviously, your XWH is a lost cause when it comes to this.
Explaining the situation to every last man, woman and child who is invited to the wedding might help to put the pressure on.
But I am most concerned about your son, the groom. It may well be that he's just trying to keep the peace between both his bio-parents - and who knows what his father is saying to him about this - but if he cannot understand why he has every right *and every responsibility* to tell Daddy Dearest that he (daddy) can come to the wedding but his hideous snake cannot - well, then, I truly would be worried about him.
With her unbridled cruelty and disgusting intrusion (again, too mild a word) at your child's funeral, this "woman" has forfeited any right she ever had to be seen or heard at any family gathering. I would be very concerned for *anyone* who can't understand that.
Torturing you AGAIN so that everyone else can feel comfortable is NOT a solution.
The only solution here is to keep her OUT - pretty much By Any Means Necessary. And just disinviting her won't be enough. Even if she is specifically told she is not welcome, you can bet your last pair of boots that she would brazenly walk in anyway.
Again, I am so sorry this is happening to you. And for what it's worth, I think this woman should absolutely be kept OUT of the wedding and I find it incredible that any other solution would even be considered by ANYONE involved in this.
Good luck. You'll make it.
Me, BW
WH cheated in corporate workplace for many years. He moved out and filed in summer 2008.
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While, I pretty much feel the same way, the truth is that, when it comes right down to it, Mel has no real control over whether the skank comes to the wedding or not. She can make her feelings known to her son, future DiL and her parents, but that's about all she can do. Too much of a fuss, and she might damage her relationship with her son.
If they uninvite the OW, that is all to the good, as far as I'm concerned. However, because Mel's son wants his dad at the wedding, and it's likely that his dad won't come if she is uninvited. I'm sure that Mel's son will feel like he's between a rock and a hard place.
Yes, it would stick in my craw to not be able to say something to the skank at the wedding, but the fact is: This is her son and FDiL's special day, and to do anything that might create any kind of scene at the wedding would only get her enrolled in the "MiLs from H3!! Hall of Fame". I'm quite sure that Mel does NOT want the kids' wedding day to be tainted by memories of Mel putting the skank in her place.
About all Mel can do, if the skank isn't univited, is to make sure that there is considerable distance between her and the skank at all times. If the skank comes to the wedding, it would be a plus if she is seated on the back row and nobody says more than 2 words to her.
I would hope that the skank can be univited without dragging Mel into it, because who wants the skank to know that she has any power to ruin Mel's day as Mother of the Groom?
Last edited by Lady_Clueless; 07/10/10 01:28 PM.
"Your actions are so loud that I can't hear a word you're saying!"
BW M 44 yrs to still-foggy but now-faithful WH. What/how I post=my biz. Report any perceived violations to the Mods.
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Melody - I am also Irish all the way through - both sides of my family trace back to Ireland as far back as the 1850s - and I grew up in Texas myself.
I have a lot of understanding for how you must feel. "Resentment" just trivializes it, IMHO. What this woman did at your child's funeral was pure psychopathic evil. Now she's coming back to enjoy a second round, and what are you hearing from so many?
"Oh, now, dear, just take the high road. Show grace and dignity. Just ignore her and have a nice day."
In my experience, "take the high road" is just a frightened desperate plea that really means, "Good god, don't embarass us! Don't make a scene! Don't make us face up to what really happened here! Just let the rest of us go on hiding our heads in the sand and pretening nothing is wrong. Don't force us to take a stand against a vile excuse for a human being. That would be uncomfortable for US, so just keep quiet and don't make a fuss! We're okay if YOU suffer, but whatever you do don't cause any embarrassing discomfort for US!"
I say, Screw That. You understand me completely, MULAN. I could not have said it better. You do know I am Irish too, right?  You hit the nail on the head. To me, that's normal. If a venomous snake was slithering up to you, would you just stand there and say, "Oh, no, I won't do anything to defend myself or make the snake go away. I'll just sit here and be mature. The snake will be SO impressed at my dignity that it won't bother me, and my friends will be SO relieved that I didn't make a fuss." Yes, this is what I get from some. Be "mature" and "show growth" and "rise above it." I guess I don't know what that means. It doesnt seem to be rising above anything to allow myself to be disrespected. Why isn't HER behavior in question here? She is the one who did something wrong, so I prefer that SHE "rise above it" and "show growth" and whatever and excuse herself from this wedding. I want people to ask HER to "rise above it" and "show growth" by staying away. She is the one who did something wrong, not me. But I am most concerned about your son, the groom. It may well be that he's just trying to keep the peace between both his bio-parents - and who knows what his father is saying to him about this - but if he cannot understand why he has every right *and every responsibility* to tell Daddy Dearest that he (daddy) can come to the wedding but his hideous snake cannot - well, then, I truly would be worried about him. This is exactly what my BIL from Oklahoma said. He said my son needs to man up and disinvite her. He said he is disappointed in my son and is going to tell him this. I sent my son and his fiance an email this morning to this effect. Here is part of what I said to him: This is not bitterness over a divorce, this is about disrespect of me and my sons by a very brazen person who has no shame. She disrespected me 10 years ago and I won't be disrespected again. As my son, I need you to man up here and take a stand for me. I would protect you if someone was disrespecting you and I expect the same from you as my son. I am disappointed that I even have to ask you to do it, C. I can understand the motivation of your dad and OW to sweep this under the rug and pretend that wrong is right, but I frankly expect much better from you. Mulan, thank you so much for putting it so well. I simply do not have it in me to be disrespected again.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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thanks for your kind words, LadyClueless! 
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Mel- A college friend of mine had to deal with a similar situation as your son when she got married. Her dad had married the OW he left his wife of 28 years for...and then wanted to bring the OW to his DD's wedding. (My friend had addressed the invite ONLY to her dad). When he tried the "if you love me you let me bring her" on my friend, she had this reply: "If you truly loved me, you wouldn't ask me to have the person who made you break the vows you made to my mom on the day I am going to be making those same vows to my H to be. If you can't understand that, I'll have my brother walk me down the aisle." He came to the wedding alone. I don't know if this helps, but it does give your DS something to say possibly if he does choose to tell his dad he doesn't want the OW at the wedding. BTW-my friend and her hubby will be celebrating 27 years of M in December.
johnstwin-
"I may not know what the future holds, but I know who holds my future." -Martin Luther
Remarried my FXH 25 years to the day of our first M. God is so good-and sometimes so unexpected!
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It doesnt seem to be rising above anything to allow myself to be disrespected. Why isn't HER behavior in question here? She is the one who did something wrong, so I prefer that SHE "rise above it" and "show growth" and whatever and excuse herself from this wedding.
I want people to ask HER to "rise above it" and "show growth" by staying away. She is the one who did something wrong, not me. My sentiments exactly! Maybe some of these friends/family members need to be asked this question directly. Might start some wheels turning. I think the e-mail you wrote to your son was exactly right. Maybe it will start him and his bride to re-thinking this. Whatever happens, I hope the day turns out well for you. Just try to hang in. Sometimes strength can be something of a curse, because folks expect you to put up with anything because you're strong - but that's not okay and sometimes you just gotta tell them that.
Me, BW
WH cheated in corporate workplace for many years. He moved out and filed in summer 2008.
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Well, Mel, you know where some of my DH's relatives come from, so let me know if you need some cement shoes or a burly guy in a black suit armed with piano wire. You talkin' ta me? Don't worry mods, I would never seriously advocate violence....in a documentable way like this
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When he tried the "if you love me you let me bring her" on my friend, she had this reply:
"If you truly loved me, you wouldn't ask me to have the person who made you break the vows you made to my mom on the day I am going to be making those same vows to my H to be. If you can't understand that, I'll have my brother walk me down the aisle." I really like that. Hopefully my son will wake up and defend me in that way. Bravo to your friend. Thanks, Mulan. Well, Mel, you know where some of my DH's relatives come from, so let me know if you need some cement shoes or a burly guy in a black suit armed with piano wire. oh yeah!! 
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Hmmm...maybe if the Skank DOES show up, someone could offer her some coffee just before the wedding...and oops! there it goes...all over her dress that she got at Walmart! 
"Your actions are so loud that I can't hear a word you're saying!"
BW M 44 yrs to still-foggy but now-faithful WH. What/how I post=my biz. Report any perceived violations to the Mods.
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All of the feelings from my son's funeral and the subsequent awakening months later when the shock wore off and I realized what she had done to me have come back from just discussing this. If my son would put me through me that, then I wonder what kind of man he is. I can't even imagine such pain compounded by so much disrespect. I'm sorry for your loss ML. But as someone who dealt with a lot of misery dished out by a parent, maybe your son isn't able to see your pain because of what happened when he was so young. See, your son lost his brother to death. That is such a horrible, tragic, terrible loss. Almost impossible for a young person to process if you ask me. maybe, just maybe, it is to difficult for your son to acknowledge/accept the disrespect OW unleashed by her presence at his brother's funeral.... because.... to do so would mean that your son ultimately has to condemn his own father and acknowledge/accept that not only did his father disrespect his mom, but he disrespected his own dead son, plus any other living children and the entire family with OW's presence. His father not only failed to protect him during such a painful time and his father selfishly added to the misery by having OW there at the funeral. That's a lot for an adult child to have to actualize.... that a parent is a narcissistic piece of crap that doesn't really care about his/her own child and places him/herself selfishly above all others. Maybe your son isn't ready or capable to acknowledge that yet. I'm sure you now want to rip xWH and OW apart even more for the pain they unleashed on you all. But really Mel, your son is still in some type of denial. And because it's his dad, he might not ever consciously see it. But trust me, the pain is there. And it sure is a helluva a lot easier to say mom is just bitter and keep pretending his offending father loves him, than to acknowledge that his offending father who unleashed so much hurt doesn't really love/care about him. Your son knows deep down, which parent truly loves him (and who also truly loved his brother). You're that parent, ML. Be there for your son.
Live, love, and laugh because the best is yet to come!
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Thanks for the feedback, RareMamaJewel.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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"When he tried the "if you love me you let me bring her" on my friend, she had this reply:
"If you truly loved me, you wouldn't ask me to have the person who made you break the vows you made to my mom on the day I am going to be making those same vows to my H to be. If you can't understand that, I'll have my brother walk me down the aisle."
He came to the wedding alone."
Have you had THIS talk with your son?
I would not want OW either. Can't put my self in your shoes but don't know if I could stay calm in OP's pesence.
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I would not want OW either. Can't put my self in your shoes but don't know if I could stay calm in OP's pesence. This is true. I would not remain calm and that is really not fair to my son and his fiance on their wedding day. I sent my son an email explaining why I couldn't be there if the OW went. I went over what she did to me and our family back then and how inappropriate it was to invite her. He wrote me back and said: "First off I want to let you know how much this has upset us. This is our wedding, it is a special day for us that will only happen once in our lifetime. Thank You and DH for volunteering your time and money to make this day happen.
but this day is about GF and I, not you. I understand that what happen ten years ago hurt you but this issue is not my responsibly. I do not appreciate being put in the middle of this when it has noting to do with me, other than my relation to you and Dad. I dont understand why what Dad and OW did to you ten years ago falls onto my shoulders now. I am asking you to please support GF and I in our wedding and put aside your issues with OW. you are both invited as is GF's stepmother, your presence at our wedding is necessary to us and we need you to be a part of it. Please do not punish GF and I for what Dad did 11 years ago. " I responded with: SON, I respect that this is your wedding and it is up to you to do what you feel best.
DH and I won't be attending. My family has expressed they won't be attending if OW is included.
I wish you both the best.
with love, Mom Son then called my sister and asked if she would be coming if OW comes. She told him that they will not be coming if "you disrespect my sister in this way." She said we watched it at your brother's funeral and we won't watch it again. She said, so you have a tough decision to make. My son also told her that I had "left him homeless and moved to Texas 10 years ago and the OW took him in and gave him a home for 4 years." He felt he owed the savior OW a debt of gratitude.  That is a completely false story. Here is the truth in this email I sent him: Son, M [my sister] just called me and said I had "moved to Texas and left you homeless" when you were 18 and that OW took you in and gave you a home for 4 years. She said you feel you owe OW a debt of gratitude for taking you in. That is quite the revisionist history and I am certain she misunderstood.
You moved out - against my wishes - in November 1999 when you were 17 and I moved to Texas in June of 2000 when you were 18.
The truth is that you demanded to go live with your father in November 1999 [you were age 17, 4.5 months before your 18th birthday] after I took your car away and nailed your bedroom window shut. You had snuck out in the middle of the night to go drinking and were arrested. You called your dad to get you out of jail.
I grounded you, took your car keys away and nailed your bedroom window shut just as any caring parent would do. Your dad called me the next day after I took your truck away and informed me that you would be living with him since I was so "mean" to you. "can't you two get along??" Is what he said to me. Anytime I tried to discipline you boys he would undermine me for not "getting along." "why can't you be friends??"
My first instinct was to fight him in court to keep you but I was told that all you had to do was get emancipated as an adult and it was only 4 months until you were 18 anyway. I had no way of keeping you home legally.
So, you were not left "homeless;" rather you demanded to live with your dad so you would not be subject to any rules. Your brother had been killed the month before because WH allowed him to run around all night and I was not going to let the same thing happen to you if I could help it.
I was devastated to the brink of a nervous breakdown when you moved out, because I had lost my whole family inside of one year. Bryan was killed the month before and your dad had abandoned us 6 months before. Now you moved out and I was all alone. I had lost my whole family.
There was nothing 'loving" about taking you into open and flagrant adultery when you were a child and teaching you that wrong is right in order to escape the rules. You were taught that adultery is an acceptable solution to marriage problems. You have bought into your dad and OW's whitewashing of their wrongdoing.
Adultery is whitewashed as "your mother is better off now!" OW, the home wrecker, is being hailed as the savior for taking you in after your mother "ran off to Texas" and left you when the truth is that your dad sold you out by helping you escape the one parent who cared enough to try to protect you from harm. Down is up and wrong is right.
son, that is just nuts. You are a man now, and can see through that whitewashing of the truth.
Praising OW for "taking you in' is sick and ironic because she was directly involved in the breakup of your family. That is like thanking the arsonist for putting out the fire.
So, there is some serious denial and rewriting of history going on here that reflects the wayward, dishonest, self justifying minds of your father and OW. The truth has been whitewashed in order to justify their wrongdoing while I have been painted as the demon. This is why you have always said to me "I don't see it that way." You don't see it in a realistic light because you listened to the lies of 2 self serving liars who rationalized their wrongdoing.
son, you don't do your dad or me or GF any favors by enabling their whitewash of the truth. I understand you bought this spin when you were a kid, but you are a man now. And you have the maturity and the intelligence to understand the truth and decipher the lies and spin you were fed by 2 brazen liars and cheaters.
M said you didn't know what to say to your dad. If you do decide to say anything, here is what another young lady said to her cheater father before her wedding about bringing his mistress to her wedding:
"If you truly loved me, you wouldn't ask me to have the person who made you break the vows you made to my mom on the day I am going to be making those same vows to my H to be. If you can't understand that, I'll have my brother walk me down the aisle."
If your dad cared about you, he wouldn't be bringing the person who helped destroy your family and your parent's marriage to the celebration of your marriage.
And son, you are right that it is not your problem when someone mistreats me or disrespects me. You are not obligated to do anything for me ever. EVER. You are my son and not my protector. You owe me nothing.
love, Mother
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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"When he tried the "if you love me you let me bring her" on my friend, she had this reply:
"If you truly loved me, you wouldn't ask me to have the person who made you break the vows you made to my mom on the day I am going to be making those same vows to my H to be. If you can't understand that, I'll have my brother walk me down the aisle."
He came to the wedding alone."
Have you had THIS talk with your son?
I would not want OW either. Can't put my self in your shoes but don't know if I could stay calm in OP's pesence. Yes, I did send that quote in an email to my son. Hat tip to Johnstwin for that excellent suggestion.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I'm sorry Mel. (This is both my sadness for your situation and my pre-apology) I think you're resentment has led you down a dangerous path! P. 64 of The Big Book
Resentment is the "number one" offender. It destroys more alcoholics than anything else. From it stem all forms of spiritual disease, for we have been not only mentally and physically ill, we have been spiritually sick. When the spiritual malady is overcome, we straighten out mentally and physically. P. 65-66 of The Big Book:
We went back through our lives. Nothing counted but thoroughness and honesty. When we were finished, we considered it carefully. The first thing apparent was that this world and its people were often quite wrong. To conclude that others were wrong was as far as most of us ever got. The usual outcome was that people continued to wrong us and we stayed sore. Sometimes it was remorse and then we were sore at ourselves. But the more we fought and tried to have our own way, the worse matters got. As in war, the victor only seemed to win. Our moments of triumph were short-lived.
It is plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness. To the precise extent that we permit these, do we squander the hours that might have been worthwhile. But with the alcoholic, whose hope is the maintenance and growth of a spiritual experience, this business of resentment is infinitely grave. We found that it is fatal. For when harboring such feelings we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the Spirit. The insanity of alcohol returns and we drink again. And with us, to drink is to die.
If we were to live, we had to be free of anger. The grouch and the brainstorm were not for us. They may be the dubious luxury of normal men, but for the alcoholics these things are poison. Mel, I know you've helped a lot of other alcoholics work through this process of eliminating the resentments. It's apparent to me, that you are currently struggling with this in a huge way. You can cling to your resentment or you can work through the process of not allowing this resentment to have control of you any longer. You already know this process IS possible. And although you have all the reasons in the world that you can justify hanging on to these resentments, you and I both know, in the end, how truly detrimental and damaging that would be to you.
Last edited by HerPapaBear; 07/11/10 03:26 PM.
Recovery began 10/07;
Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.
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I don't think this has anything to do with "resentment" or with recovery from alcoholism.
I think this is a very simple case of running into something that is just too painful to endure, and so the only thing a person can do is protect themselves from it.
Everybody has their limit and Melody has found hers. I have never been a drinker and I can understand this perfectly. I'd react the same way.
If DS and his bride allow OW to be present while Mom stays home, then they just proved that Melody did the right thing.
hang in there. it ain't over 'til it's over. DS may come around yet.
Me, BW
WH cheated in corporate workplace for many years. He moved out and filed in summer 2008.
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"Your actions are so loud that I can't hear a word you're saying!"
BW M 44 yrs to still-foggy but now-faithful WH. What/how I post=my biz. Report any perceived violations to the Mods.
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I can't imagine that you could go to the wedding and "put on a good face" while the OW is honored and paraded as family. I think that it is the grown up thing to do to accept that it is not possible to be nice under those circumstances. You are acknowledging your own boundaries. And that is ok.  It makes me sad that your son is choosing OW over his own mother out of a need to do "what he wants". I think that your son will be very angry that you are not willing to "suck it up" and be "nice" for him. It is not a fair request. I am sorry. 
Last edited by stillstanding2; 07/11/10 03:55 PM.
Over it.
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I don't think this has anything to do with "resentment" or with recovery from alcoholism.
I think this is a very simple case of running into something that is just too painful to endure, and so the only thing a person can do is protect themselves from it.
Everybody has their limit and Melody has found hers. I have never been a drinker and I can understand this perfectly. I'd react the same way.
If DS and his bride allow OW to be present while Mom stays home, then they just proved that Melody did the right thing. Mulan, I didn't mention anything about the wedding! As an alcoholic, her first and #1 boundary is to eliminate resentments. Even Mel acknowledges her resentments are affecting her.
Last edited by HerPapaBear; 07/11/10 04:12 PM. Reason: whoops
Recovery began 10/07;
Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.
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Moderated by Ariel, BerlinMB, Denali, Fordude, IrishGreen, MBeliever, MBsurvivor, MBSync, McLovin, Mizar, PhoenixMB, Toujours
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