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He got home. Called me & asked to come up this wkd.



BW (me): 36
WH: 30
M: 07/14/03; together~9yrs
Plan B: 07/13/10; NC broken by me 07/25/10
D-Day: 08/07/10
08/11/10: Plan B/D--can't bring myself to file without having a panic attack.
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Originally Posted by InvincibleMe
He got home. Called me & asked to come up this wkd.

Okay. How long can you stay? Can you stay longer than a weekend?


Over it.
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was planning for Thur thru Mon, but doesn't matter now.

he called me back and we talked & got into a"confrontational" discussion--meaning no yelling or AOs, but it was tense.

doesn't matter because he doesn't think he needs to change anything & I need to change. he doesn't want marriage, he wants a booty call.

I'm done fighting for this. I have been a good wife and I deserve better. I'm done.

I need to go cry now...


BW (me): 36
WH: 30
M: 07/14/03; together~9yrs
Plan B: 07/13/10; NC broken by me 07/25/10
D-Day: 08/07/10
08/11/10: Plan B/D--can't bring myself to file without having a panic attack.
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IM, I am so sorry. ((((((((((IM))))))))))))

I don't know if this is what you want to hear right now, but in case you do decide you want to give it one last effort, you should learn more about Plan A.

The goal of Plan A is to remind your husband that you are great. You do this by meeting all of his EN and avoiding LBs. You spend lots of recreational time together and you do not discuss the relationship during plan A. Sometimes this alone is enough to jolt a spouse back into working on the marriage.

Often it is not and this is when Plan B comes into play. Plan B requires a very good plan A because it leaves positive, recent memories of you for your husband. Then, you write a no contact letter saying you love him but will only be in contact with him if he is willing to do X, Y, and Z (e.g., not go to the bar, move to the same city as you, etc.). Only include things in the letter that you really mean. Then, you go dark, no contact. This goal is to put him in withdrawal over you which may jolt him into wanting to change because it is the only way he can have contact with you again.

If you do plan A partly and plan B partly, you end up with a cake eating situation where your spouse keeps you around because you are meeting some of his needs but doesn't change because he is content with the current situation and doesn't have to.

Please consider going over to the Surviving an Affair forum and read about people who have done the Plan A then Plan B approach. It doesn't work for everyone but it works better than the partial A and B approach. There are some people in the Surviving an Affair Forum who were the wayward spouses and they will even tell you from their point of view that doing plan A and plan B was the best thing their spouse could have done.

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Originally Posted by InvincibleMe
was planning for Thur thru Mon, but doesn't matter now.

he called me back and we talked & got into a"confrontational" discussion--meaning no eylling or AOs, but it was tense.

doesn't matter because he doesn't think he needs to change anything & I need to change. he deosn't want marriage, he wants a booty call

I'm done fighting for this. I have been a good wife and I deserver better. I'm done.

I need to go cry now...

okay, hang on there, IM.

First, I second nomader: (((((((IM)))))))

Now. MB is famous for bringing relationships back from the brink. Many M's have been saved even from A's, if that's what you find your H is in. If not, all the better.

Quote
I'm done fighting for this
C'mon Invincible. You haven't even begun to fight.

One confrontational discussion and you're throwing in the towel? You're way too new to this whole thing to give up that easily. What happened to going down there to see what the hell is up? Why don't you find out what you're up against first? You already know what you're fighting for -- you said yourself the M was great for some time; so you were in love at one time. MB can help you get to that place again.

My I boldly suggest that you please go down there and see what he has to say. Don't react to anything, expect the worst. Expect the ILYBINILWY speech. Try to assess the damage. Then we can craft a plan. I can tell you it will probably involve counseling with the Harleys - so save up some dough. In the mean time, rock his world: you have two days; get the nails and hair done, do all that girly stuff, and pick you out a nice outfit or two. Make him work for it a little, but throw yourself at his mercy and make it a weekend he won't soon forget.

Heck, if he's checked out of the marriage anyway, at least make it a difficult choice for him, okay?
Okay???

You can do this, you're Invincible.

~optimism

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Quote
he doesn't think he needs to change anything & I need to change

They NEVER do. It's called entitlement. - it's a variation of brain rot.

Oh, and read up on the "stages" of a Marriage/Relationship. One is conflict (I'm no expert but I know that one). It's much better than apathy. Conflict is good - embrace it.

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Quote
I'm done fighting for this

C'mon Invincible. You haven't even begun to fight. Dude, I have done nothing, but fight since March. I thought I was strong enough for this, but maybe I just am not.

One confrontational discussion and you're throwing in the towel? You're way too new to this whole thing to give up that easily. What happened to going down there to see what the hell is up? Why don't you find out what you're up against first? You already know what you're fighting for -- you said yourself the M was great for some time; so you were in love at one time. MB can help you get to that place again. MB will do nothing because like a lot other sp's, he thinks its a gimmick. I can't work a plan if I am not up there, and frankly, he doesn't seem to want me up there except for every couple of weeks for a roll in the sack. I have already lost so much self-respect. I hate what this is doing to me. He told me to stop trying to use a book to save our marriage.

"you said yourself the M was great for some time; so you were in love at one time." I was in love. I am beginning to doubt he ever was. The support and encouragement from you & others on this thread have meant the world to me, but you know what I am FINALLY getting thru my head? He DOES NOT WANT TO BE MARRIED. If he doesn't even want to be married, of course he's not going to do anything to save/improve the marriage.

My I boldly suggest that you please go down there and see what he has to say. Don't react to anything, expect the worst. Expect the ILYBINILWY speech. Try to assess the damage. Then we can craft a plan. I can tell you it will probably involve counseling with the Harleys - so save up some dough. In the mean time, rock his world: you have two days; get the nails and hair done, do all that girly stuff, and pick you out a nice outfit or two. Make him work for it a little, but throw yourself at his mercy and make it a weekend he won't soon forget. See the problem is, I have done nothing BUT this when I see him for last couple of months. Not to give TMI, but our sex life is the best and craziest it has ever been. This is why I say he wants a booty call, or FB, or whatever you want to call it. Do you know WHY he called me back? yep, he wanted us to get on the webcam. I have done this before--not comfortable with it, but OK it will make him happy. You know what it changes? NOTHING. It changes NOTHING because he still doesn't want me to move up there, we still don't want the same things in life, he still wants to be able to go out on weekends with his single friends...it's all about HE wants. He does not give a F* about what I want. I am just so sick of it.

I think you guys were right in the beginning to tell me to consider letting it go.


Heck, if he's checked out of the marriage anyway, at least make it a difficult choice for him, okay?
Okay??? He checked out 4 months ago the moment he said he didn't know if he wanted to be married anymore. I just didn't want to believe him, and he didn't have the balls to make the final break. I am only prolonging the inevitable by continuing to allow myself to be used. It's killing me and killing this love for him that I thought would never die.

You can do this, you're Invincible. No, no, I really can't, and I'm really not. It's a lie I tell myself just to get thru the day. I have started bawling 3 times since writing this. I might be a bit emotional normally, but this crying mess of a person I have been for the last 4 months is NOT who I am.


BW (me): 36
WH: 30
M: 07/14/03; together~9yrs
Plan B: 07/13/10; NC broken by me 07/25/10
D-Day: 08/07/10
08/11/10: Plan B/D--can't bring myself to file without having a panic attack.
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Originally Posted by Nomader
IM, I am so sorry. ((((((((((IM))))))))))))

I don't know if this is what you want to hear right now, but in case you do decide you want to give it one last effort, you should learn more about Plan A.

The goal of Plan A is to remind your husband that you are great. You do this by meeting all of his EN and avoiding LBs. You spend lots of recreational time together and you do not discuss the relationship during plan A. Sometimes this alone is enough to jolt a spouse back into working on the marriage. I did read the info on Plan A. I have REALLY REALLY tried to do that. I am just ready think it is a lost cause at this point. A person can only take so many rejections before they finally accept it.

Often it is not and this is when Plan B comes into play. Plan B requires a very good plan A because it leaves positive, recent memories of you for your husband. Then, you write a no contact letter saying you love him but will only be in contact with him if he is willing to do X, Y, and Z (e.g., not go to the bar, move to the same city as you, etc.). Only include things in the letter that you really mean. Then, you go dark, no contact. This goal is to put him in withdrawal over you which may jolt him into wanting to change because it is the only way he can have contact with you again. I actually just wrote a Plan B type of letter. I am sure it is awful. I tried to find examples here (not easy, let me add). I will post it so you can guys can critique it.

If you do plan A partly and plan B partly, you end up with a cake eating situation where your spouse keeps you around because you are meeting some of his needs but doesn't change because he is content with the current situation and doesn't have to. Unfortunately, you are absolutely right. He has been gorging on it and is stuffed with frosting on his face.

Please consider going over to the Surviving an Affair forum and read about people who have done the Plan A then Plan B approach. It doesn't work for everyone but it works better than the partial A and B approach. There are some people in the Surviving an Affair Forum who were the wayward spouses and they will even tell you from their point of view that doing plan A and plan B was the best thing their spouse could have done. Copy that. I am actually over there more than over here, so I am following quite a few threads.


BW (me): 36
WH: 30
M: 07/14/03; together~9yrs
Plan B: 07/13/10; NC broken by me 07/25/10
D-Day: 08/07/10
08/11/10: Plan B/D--can't bring myself to file without having a panic attack.
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OK, so here is the email. I have not sent it yet. I think it seems to really shut the door on the marriage although I do not specifically say anything about a D. I don't know if I should change that...right now I don't know if I want to change that.


_____,

I love you. I love you more than anyone I have ever loved. And I will miss you. I will miss the man that I fell in love with, married, and traveled the world with. I will miss our past and what might have been. I apologize for not being there for you when you needed me. I am so sorry that our choices have created this distance between us that has allowed us to grow apart.

I have spent a lot of time thinking about our marriage in the last few months. I see that I failed to be the companion you needed and that I was not always open to doing things that you wanted to do. I see that, physically, I am not the same person you married. I have been working to change things about myself, not only because of our failed marriage, but because I also realized that I had lost track of who I was over the years. I need to get to know me again and figure out again where my own boundaries are. In doing this, I have come to some conclusions. I can only accept a relationship with someone who's needs I will meet and who will want to meet mine. I can only accept a relationship with someone who understands that the behavior of a married person is different from that of a single person and acts accordingly. I can only accept a relationship with a man who wants me to be the most important person in his life as he will be to me. I can only accept a relationship with a man who will be completely open and honest with me as I will be with him. These are things I have learned about myself so far.

I don't want to argue with you anymore. I never wanted that. I kept hoping that if I fought long enough you would want this marriage, too. In the end it only pushed you away even more. I finally get it, _____. Forgive me for taking so long to see it. I am not what you want and you cannot be what I want.

Please do not contact me unless absolutely necessary. If so, please write to me via email. My love is slowly dying and I need to let go. We both need space and time to heal. I ask that you respect and understand this.



Does it sound selfish or too much like a pity party? I didn't make it a NC letter because there is no OW. <--no, I am not proof positive about no OW, but I have to wonder if he is calling me for phone SF then there must not be anyone there to fulfill that.

This letter was hard to write--and to try to keep brief. I am pretty long-winded as you guys can see! It was so hard not to just lay into him about all the ways he has been a terrible husband. I have not gone into details on this because, overall, he is a good man, but I am finally accepting he has some major boundary issues and is incredibly selfish. I KNOW I AM NOT PERFECT EITHER, but boy oh boy, has he really made some bad choices during our marriage. It is just so galling to me that I am feeling so bad about this. I accept where I have made errors, but I just want to scream when I think of the times I should have been telling HIM, "you know, I think we just want different things and we are not on the same page, blah, blah, blah" instead of forgiving him for transgressions. oooh, I am just so angry right now--yes, my TAKER has TAKEN over right now.

Thank you so much for reading an offering your support, esp Nomader and Opt. I am sure it must get old sometimes.


BW (me): 36
WH: 30
M: 07/14/03; together~9yrs
Plan B: 07/13/10; NC broken by me 07/25/10
D-Day: 08/07/10
08/11/10: Plan B/D--can't bring myself to file without having a panic attack.
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[quote]C'mon Invincible. You haven't even begun to fight.
--Dude, I have done nothing, but fight since March. I thought I was strong enough for this, but maybe I just am not.[/quote]
Okay, IM. Only you know what you went through before June 29. I forget how exposed you were to MB prior to registering. For me, I thought I was "fighting" for months prior to posting, but I was really only making it worse.
Anyway, only you know what you can tolerate. You're obviously intelligent and you seem to be grasping the concepts. You won't get any grief from me for walking away- you know what's best for IM.

One thing this site is good for is for writing long posts (very therpeautic - I'm a big participant), and fielding teh tough questions.
Hopefully someone will comment about the letter.
opt

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IM - I've been reading a long but haven't had much to say. I'm so sorry you have reached this point. If you feel you have done the best you can, and you feel you can do no more, then you should stop Plan A.

Prolonged Plan A is very abusive and damaging. Staying in it too long can give you PTSD. Some people just can't do plan A at all - there's nothing wrong with that, everyone has their limits. You have to recognize what yours are. Plan A is also much harder from a distance.

You stop Plan A when you can no longer handle the damage being done to you, you stop Plan A when you feel your love for your spouse dying. You go into Plan B to both protect your love and yourself.

Ideally, Plan B requires an intermediary. You should have NO contact with your husband. If he contacts you then he gets his wife fix (more cake eating) and you get spun into a tailspin of emotions. I'll try to find the intermediary thread. This person will filter all of your husband's messages to you - takes out the emotion and transmits just the information.

If he says "Tell IM that she needs to get her fat but up here to pick up her damn couch or I'm gonna torch it." Your IM says "Your H would like to set up a time for you to get your couch."

That type of stuff.

If you are open to reconciliation and don't want to hop on the D-train you may like to include that information in your letter. Tell him you are cutting off contact so you can preserve the love you have left for him. Whenever he is ready to make the changes you need for this marriage to be successful, he is welcome to contact you. Until then, to preserve your love you need to not see or talk to him.

Block his email from your account - or set up an automatic forward to your IM so you don't even have to SEE his messages. Block his phone number and texts.

Have you told your family about this situation? You need supportive people around you as you go through this.

I think your letter is a great start.

You don't have to decide today if you are ready to D, but know that Plan B may lead straight to Plan D. That may be what it takes. He may really not want to change.

((IM))

I'm sorry you're in this situation.

Last edited by Vibrissa; 07/13/10 07:58 AM.

Me & DH: 28
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1DD, 9 mo.
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I'm sorry for the turn of events. There is another option. You can go back to your original plan from before he invited you up there this weekend. You can go up there, book a room, and try to find out what is really going on. You have been allowing him to treat you like a f buddy and not a wife. That is not Plan A. Fighting since March is not Plan A. You have not spent the UA time that is REQUIRED to maintain a marriage. He is clearly "out of love" because you don't spend enough time together to maintain a connection - let alone meet each other's needs.

Do you need to know what is going on? Or, have you already given up? He is probably deep in an affair. Does he also watch porn? I would guess that he does. That will further desensitize him to you as a person.

Why did you marry him? What were your goals? What has changed?


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Will check back later to respond more thoroughly to Vibrissa & SS2--thank you both, BTW, for your posts.

Going for a haircut.

PS. Got an IM for both of us (my friend in Ohio); blocked his # & email; sent him the Plan B letter with some minor tweaks. Don't know if this is a true Plan B since I never did a true Plan A and I don't believe at this point there is anything to salvage. Let's just call it a "I love you, but leave me the hell alone" letter.

Sorry...my sarcasm begins to come up in spades when I am angry.


BW (me): 36
WH: 30
M: 07/14/03; together~9yrs
Plan B: 07/13/10; NC broken by me 07/25/10
D-Day: 08/07/10
08/11/10: Plan B/D--can't bring myself to file without having a panic attack.
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I just noticed that it is your anniversary tomorrow. I am so sorry. You are the only one that knows your limits. If you are done, then Plan B will get you through it and over him the quickest.


Over it.
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I liked your letter. The only suggestion I have is that you make it as specific as possible. I know they say Plan A/B is for your marriage, but let me add to that that it is for you, too. Plan A is the quickest road to the point you're at today, where you know in your gut that you're doing the right thing. Okay, it wasn't perfect, it missed some major things, like UA time, and an introduction to the new life with you, the one where you advocate with him for the win-win solutions, instead of being a doormat. Oh, well, you finally see that he wasn't marriage material yet anyway. It wasn't about your less-than-flawless Plan A execution.

Plan B is to prevent you from going back to a doomed marriage. Be really specific what you want. If he is meeting all of the things you put, to the point that you are setting yourselves up for success, it'll be obvious.


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SS2, give IM the respect she deserves. She knows what her H is willing to do to save the marriage. The effort to save the marriage can not be all on her. Give her the respect she deserves to see clearly what's what and to not chase after rainbows.


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[stillstanding2] There is another option. You can go back to your original plan from before he invited you up there this weekend. You can go up there, book a room, and try to find out what is really going on. You have been allowing him to treat you like a f buddy and not a wife. That is not Plan A. Fighting since March is not Plan A. You have not spent the UA time that is REQUIRED to maintain a marriage. He is clearly "out of love" because you don't spend enough time together to maintain a connection - let alone meet each other's needs.
I don't know how much clearly I can state that I did not have a real Plan A as outlined w/MB and that the amount of UA time has been way less than ideal. I feel I have stated it repeatedly. I am aware of this, so the cont'd references as such really don't help, although I do appreciate your intent is to help me. I DO appreciate that very much, SS2. I simply cannot see the benefit in foisting my presence upon him when he so clearly does not want me there with him beyond a few days at a time. If there is one that I am just blind to, OK, but please remember that people are not cookie-cutter and while some actions might work in most situations, they do not work in all. When I say "fighting" I don't mean arguing and yelling. I mean using the time I did have with him, either via my visits there, his here, or on the phone, to try to be a Plan A spouse who did not push, try to reason, persuade, etc. I cannot say that we have NEVER discussed these issues, because yes, of course we have. But they were actually good talks in that it was without vitriol and anger, no accusations, AO's, etc.

[stillstanding2]Do you need to know what is going on? Or, have you already given up? He is probably deep in an affair. Does he also watch porn? I would guess that he does. That will further desensitize him to you as a person.
As for going up there to try to see if there is indeed an OW....right now I simply cannot find it in myself to care. Maybe I will feel differently in a couple of days, but right now, nope, don't care. I get this feeling that you almost want me find that there is an OW. Maybe that will solidify the idea that the only logical assumption is that due to our lack of UA, of course he must have fallen into an A. Frankly, what happens, as I stated in previous post, if I were to go up there and find he really is just drinking at a table with his friends? What then? Does that unequivocably prove he is not in an A, or wld I then need to stay up there several days to try to be sure? While an A wld certainly tidy up the situation complete with a bow, as well as explain his sudden desire to be unmarried, I am also faced with the possibility, maybe not probability, but possibility that while he might still care for me, he has chosen to no longer love me--most likely due to a lack of UA, but perhaps coupled with the fact that he really is wanting something different for his life and our distance has finally made this clear to him.

As for my feeling like I am treated like a F* buddy--I am sure he wld vehmently disagree, but he's the perpetrator, so of course he doesn't see it--you are right. I allowed it. I hoped that our time together coupled with sex wld lean him towards wanting to try for this marriage. I mean, do you honestly think he wld have even considered it if we had NO sex in the last 4 months? SF is a one of his top needs. We used to have SF issues, but this was very early in the marriage. If you had asked him 5 yrs ago what his biggest complaint was, he wld say we don't have sex enough. It has not been a problem in the last few yrs, tho, & I know he agrees w/that.

When I talked to him this last time, I simply decided that I was done being used for his SF/IC. It was an epiphany of sorts, though I have seen it coming to me for a while now. He doesn't want the marriage, but he still wants me to get him off???? That is a big HE** NO.

Porn...hmmm, well, I can go only based on my history with him. In that time, he was never into it. Has he ever seen it? yes, I know he has, but in my time with him he didn't watch it, didn't go to topless bars, read Hustler or anything like that. As for computer porn, I have never found anything, even when we lived together and shared the same computer, and I am WAY more techno savvy then he is. So I have an inclination to answer no, but who knows really?


[stillstanding2]Why did you marry him? What were your goals? What has changed?
Obviously, because I loved him and at the time we shared, or so I thought, the same goals--finish school, build a life together, have kids, do some traveling. He tells me he did want these things, they have just become more long-term now. I guess at 30 he has that luxury of time. Kids for him mean no more traveling, no more going out, no more doing the things he wants. I did say that he has become incredibly selfish, did I not? He was not like this when we married. And these changes are also not sudden--they have been slowly occurring for the last 3-4 years (remember how I said we had agreed on kids when I was 32-33, but when that time came he wasn't ready?) I kept waiting to see if more time would make him settle or if he would grow to want these goals again that we once shared. Re: the kids--think about it--if he tells me in 2006 he's not ready yet, maybe in another couple of years, u/s then why I might feel it is better just to give him more time. Then of course, he got the job in Spain and I saw all my dreams of buying a house and having a baby just go up in smoke.

So you ask what has changed? At its core: he doesn't care about my happiness anymore. He doesn't want me to be unhappy, necessarily, but he simply does not want to take me into consideration anymore. Sooooooo much easier when you only have to worry about making yourself happier. Who needs the stress of a wife wanting kids, or talking about stuff like building up a savings account, or paying off the credit card, or feeling she'd rather spend our Saturday night going out to dinner and movie or maybe having a cookout when I would rather be at a bar with my single friends laughing it up, or if I want to take off to the Dominican Republic for Memorial wknd with a male buddy, or go to Vegas with my brother (which, mind you, he did not tell me about until that following Monday. Yes, I wondered why it was hard to reach him by phone--"those pesky slot machines can be so loud, dammit, I gotta call the wife when I am outside"--his reason for not telling me before he went?--"well, I knew you wld just B* abt the $$"--duuuuhhhhh....he dropped almost a grand that wknd).

sigh....who is this person I have married? He is just not who he used to be. I don't know who he is anymore, but the changes in his actions are NOT sudden. That has been occuring slowly over time. I can see it now that I have taken a step back. There are other examples I could also give from when I was in Spain, even before he ever went to Spain...they were just sporadic, so while I did the best I could to address them, I realize now that he just does not care. What IS sudden was him telling me in March that he didn't think we wanted the same things anymore and he didn't know if he wanted to be married. To a large extent, when viewed from my lens (because of course, I am the one who has been with him for 9 years and knows of all things that have occurred), this actually is just as logical as if he were indeed having an A....sigh...am I making any sense or am I talking out of my a**?

And before anyone asks, yes, I do know he went to Vegas with his brother and I do know he want to the DR with a male friend. That has been verified already.

Thanks for making it thru this post. I know it was mammoth.



BW (me): 36
WH: 30
M: 07/14/03; together~9yrs
Plan B: 07/13/10; NC broken by me 07/25/10
D-Day: 08/07/10
08/11/10: Plan B/D--can't bring myself to file without having a panic attack.
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 71
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Originally Posted by Vibrissa
You stop Plan A when you can no longer handle the damage being done to you, you stop Plan A when you feel your love for your spouse dying. You go into Plan B to both protect your love and yourself. Which is why I knew I needed to cut contact. After that last phone call, I recognized what I had become...I just kept coming back so he cld shoot me down again. I was fulfilling his EN for IC, & wants me to continue to fulfill his need for SF, but frankly, this had become a one-way street I was stalled on and I needed to get the car started and get off that road, KWIM?

You don't have to decide today if you are ready to D, but know that Plan B may lead straight to Plan D. That may be what it takes. He may really not want to change. Not ready for the D. There is still a tiny ember of hope in my heart that I am blowing on to keep alive. I am acutely aware that Plan D is likely where this street is headed tho. I see zero evidence he wants to make any changes.

Thank you for your kind words.


BW (me): 36
WH: 30
M: 07/14/03; together~9yrs
Plan B: 07/13/10; NC broken by me 07/25/10
D-Day: 08/07/10
08/11/10: Plan B/D--can't bring myself to file without having a panic attack.
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 71
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Posts: 71
Originally Posted by stillstanding2
I just noticed that it is your anniversary tomorrow. I am so sorry. You are the only one that knows your limits. If you are done, then Plan B will get you through it and over him the quickest.

yeah, what a crappy anniversary, huh? I seem to have bad luck there cuz XH and I separated right before our 5th anniv.

(Note to self: never get married again & you might be able to break that cycle)

Thanks, SS2. I know my limit is that I am done being used. Plan A is terrible when he lives in a different city, but it's GREAT for Plan B at least! Lack of kids also helps, too.


BW (me): 36
WH: 30
M: 07/14/03; together~9yrs
Plan B: 07/13/10; NC broken by me 07/25/10
D-Day: 08/07/10
08/11/10: Plan B/D--can't bring myself to file without having a panic attack.
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 71
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Member
OP Offline
Member
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Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 71
Originally Posted by NewEveryDay
I liked your letter. The only suggestion I have is that you make it as specific as possible. I know they say Plan A/B is for your marriage, but let me add to that that it is for you, too. Plan A is the quickest road to the point you're at today, where you know in your gut that you're doing the right thing. Okay, it wasn't perfect, it missed some major things, like UA time, and an introduction to the new life with you, the one where you advocate with him for the win-win solutions, instead of being a doormat. Oh, well, you finally see that he wasn't marriage material yet anyway. It wasn't about your less-than-flawless Plan A execution.

Plan B is to prevent you from going back to a doomed marriage. Be really specific what you want. If he is meeting all of the things you put, to the point that you are setting yourselves up for success, it'll be obvious.

Thanks, NED. I think you summed up how I feel perfectly--and so succinctly! It wld have taken me at least a page to do it :o) I did make the change in the letter to state that I hope that he will decide to give our marriage a chance to be a better marriage, I am here if so, etc.

Things wld have to chng because the marriage is doomed right now. In a year I will likely look back at this and realize he did me a favor by wanting out.


BW (me): 36
WH: 30
M: 07/14/03; together~9yrs
Plan B: 07/13/10; NC broken by me 07/25/10
D-Day: 08/07/10
08/11/10: Plan B/D--can't bring myself to file without having a panic attack.
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