You're likely to get a lot of opinions on the whole remarriage thing. I think Jesus' opinion is pretty much the one that matters, and He gave, in Matthew 19:9, the sole Biblical exception to the prohibition against remarrying after divorce: "fornication," or sexual immorality. You can Google this topic--"divorce, adultery, remarriage." I did, and it says there are 141,000 results. That should keep you busy for awhile! There's lots of research (and opinion!) you can read in that category, and the discussions also include the texts where no exception is given, and explain why.

tl

I agree with Neak's mom that Jesus's opinion is definitive, and states that when a marriage has been ended due to adultery you may remarry.

Heal first. Take those two years.

Follow Dr. Harley's advice for singles. He has a lot of it. Most of it doesn't involve filling out forms and communicating about needs, etc.

Don't have sex with anyone you're not married to.

There is one other case mentioned in 1 Corinthians 7.


Clearly even in this case, of a nonbeliever leaving a believer, it's a last resort but is permitted.

BC, when you look carefully at your situation you should look at it from a balanced point of view and this is only IF SHE asks to come back:

1. What does the Bible say
2. What has she done to your life
3. What does she add to your life
4. What does she subtract from your life
5. Is she able to love you, I mean REALLY?
6. Do you deserve love?
7. What do your emotions say (RUN)
8. What does your rational mind say (NEVER GO BACK)
9. What does logic say (YOU ARE BETTER OFF WITHOUT HER)
10. What do others you respect.. say (RUN)
11. What do others who know her say (RUN FAST)
12. What do the kids say
13. What would a "good" counselor advise
14. How much suffering do we need to take on before it becomes unhealthy?
15. Who is this wife of yours and why is she so selfish?
16. Who said you need to accept this cheater/abuser back?
17. What would be the most mentally healthy thing you could choose for yourself and your children?

There are many other things to look at such as the length of your life and how many years you put up with HER and how many years you have left to get a better life going WITHOUT HER. If you go back with her I would consider you to be more mentally sick that anyone else here. Sadly.

BCB,

Paul also gives us the example of an unbelieving spouse abandoning a believing spouse who is then free to remarry. He does state that the other way around is not an acceptable reason to divorce and remarry however. So when one becomes a believer in Christ, if the current spouse wishes to remain married, there is no "out" for the believing spouse.

I think he addresses this primarily because of a dynamic that can exist when a person is saved and their priorities and associations begin to change. It is too often the case that one spouse will begin to attend church where they encounter others who are also attending without their spouse and human nature being what it is, we tend to be attracted to those with whom we now have multiple common bonds.

I have seen cases where one spouse attends church for years while the unbelieving spouse shuns all things Christian, only to have a complete turn around later in life and the unbeliever becomes a believer and the marriage gets stronger and even better than when it was new. We have had a few instances of this in our congregation over the years, so as long as the unbeliever wishes to remain married, there is no justification for divorce in such cases by the believer.

Under OT Law, a marriage was a covenant. It was signified by an agreement to become husband and wife and remain bonded together for life. This was God's plan from the beginning and why He made the woman to be a partner for the man. I recently posted my view of biblical marriage on my Musings thread, so read that if you want more on this.

But also under The Law, adultery was forbidden. It was not just a breaking of covenant with a spouse but also with God. Israel was instructed to remove such sin from their midst by the punishment of death for the adulterous spouse, both men and women. Clearly, remarriage was not an issue for the loyal spouse under such circumstances since the original spouse was no longer alive.

Yet God Himself forgave the sin of adultery time after time and nowhere does He state that a betrayed spouse MUST divorce the adulterous spouse and remarry. David is a prime example. He committed adultery, then murder to try to hide the sin. It cost him dearly and even cost the country in some ways. Yet through it all, David is called by God "a man after my own heart." To see why, read Palm 51 which David wrote after he had been challenged for his sin by Nathan.

There is however one admonishment concerning divorce and remarriage under The Law that is often missed especially in circles where returning to the original spouse is suggested after an adulterous relationship becomes a marriage or affairriage. Under The Law, any person who divorces someone, then remarries and the subsequent marriage ends in divorce the original spouses are told that they cannot remarry each other.

Vows of marriage are to be for life. When those vows are broken by one spouse, they are no longer binding on the betrayed spouse as Jesus points out in Matt 19. Other grounds for divorce were allowed because of our human (sinful) nature under The Law, but that was not God's intent in the beginning when He brought the first man and first woman together. Jesus clarifies the intent in Matt 19 for us and explains that when continuing sexual sin is the case, the vows of marriage are no longer binding.

Steve Arterburn and others suggest that it takes about 20 to 25% the length of a marriage for a person to heal enough to be able to give to a new relationship the full devotion to the new relationship that is needed to make a marriage work. Until then we carry around the baggage of the previous relationship that remains so heavy in the early stages that it becomes impossible to actually become a single entity as marriage is designed to be. So a marriage that lasts 20 years might require 4 or five years to get over and one that lasts 35 years could take as long as 7 or more years before a person is really ready to move on with someone else.

As for remarrying the same person after divorce. As long as neither has subsequently married another person, under The Law, nothing precludes that possibility. JT (JohnsTwin) is such an example of this being possible, BTW, so even divorce does not need to be the end of the marriage in the long term, though remarriage by either and subsequent divorce seems to preclude this from a biblical perspective.


I don't have the references handy off the top of my head, but I can point you to them if you need them to make a decision. Leviticus, Numbers and Deuteronomy all have pages of stuff that apply to daily life when it comes to rules, regulations and laws from God. Wading through them can be mind numbing if you try to make sense of them all and try to recognize where the various passages apply to the same thing or is the clarification of something already said as opposed to something that is an additional law or rule for governing our daily life.

Also keep in mind that many Christians tend to think that Jesus abolished the Law. He tells us that is not the case and that He came to fulfill it instead. But whenever pressed for an interpretation of the Law, Jesus did not do away with ti, but raised the bar to a higher level. For example He points out that under the Law adultery is forbidden. He then says that anyone who looks at another woman with lust in his heart has already violated that commandment. He does the same with forgiveness, showing concern for our neighbors etc.

Also remember that one of God's most important aspects is GRACE... He requires much but allows for our failures. Micah 6:8 says;
"He has showed you, O man, what is good.
And what does the LORD require of you?
To act justly and to love mercy
and to walk humbly with your God."

Mark

This scenario allows for a lot more jiggering of facts, and rationalization, I think, for someone who wants to remarry in the absence of adultery on the part of the former spouse. Fortunately for BCBoy, his situation falls clearly in the unambiguous "except" given by Jesus Himself. Legally and morally, Biblically speaking, he has no impediments. When he's personally ready is entirely his choice.

s

This is what I understand as well. This deals with the issue of the dissolution of the marriage. However what about the issue of remarriage? Currently I am not in a relationship of any kind. However I am human and want company. So because of the actions of my wife committing adultery, does that put her in the position, or do I then consider her an unbeliever?

If I can consider her an unbeliever then I am free to remarry from what I understand. But if she claims to believe in God is seeking her happiness, and God wants her to be happy, then am I still bound to the bonds of marriage and I am obligated to remain single? If I do not want to remain single and remarry then from what I currently understand I am in an adulterous relationship.

According to the scripture I am then sinning against God and my own body. And the wages of sin is death. Is this a spiritual death? Is my only choice to walk away from my faith if I want to remarry, and my wife claims she is a believer? Do her actions nullify her words? This is a tough pill to swallow, if I am unable to remarry because of this.


This may be true. However the clock is ticking and life moves on. The body continues to age and eventually you may run out of time. I am not sure if I will be able to follow through on this one. It may be true, but you can also die from the broken heart of loneliness. This may be the right way to go about things, waiting, but at what point does desire for companionship outweigh the need for waiting for "complete" healing?

This stuff ain't easy. I cannot imagine anything more traumatic than a relationship break down. Blessings to my fellow travelers.

BCBoy

Bubbles4U
You certainly have a way of cutting to the chase. I agree with you that under the current circumstances I do not have any desire to reconcile. She has behaved poorly, has treated me abusively, acted selfishly, and disregarded her faith.

This relationship cannot be restored. It would need a resurrection. A complete new start. I do not believe that will happen. So thank you for assisting me in appeasing the distress I feel for my marriage not succeeding.

I am justified in divorcing my wife. I do not treat this decision lightly, as I believe in a God of restoration and miracles, and it would be a miracle at this point for her to be able to enter into a marriage relationship. It has become apparent the immaturity and narcissism that has been brewing under the surface for years has taken root and is flourishing in the garden of her own desires.

However her behavior does not release me to act in a like manner. I feel a responsibility to try and be an example to my children, who's faith has been shaken by the breakdown of the marriage. I can understand how they are questioning when they see behavior that is contrary to what they were taught.

I no longer want to suffer at the line of reconciliation. I do not want an unhealthy marriage. And I do not want to contravene my faith.

Blessings
BCBoy

I'm not sure where you get all of this out of Matthew 19. Your wife committed adultery, and if she had not done that, then yes, divorce and remarriage for you would be adultery. But since she has, I do not know why you would think you are not free to remarry after reading the words of Jesus.

I'm scoping out nursing homes now in anticipation of my dating eligibility....

Go back and re-read. You have complete Biblical freedom to divorce and remarry.

tl

Thanks - TL the issue I have wrestled with for some time a I have been in contact with an individual who has indicated to me I need to remain single by his interpretation, and that likely colored my view. There does seem to be different points of view on this depending on who you listen to.

He is wrong, and you are WAYYYYYYYY over complicating this.

Divorce her and re marry.

There are some fundamental differences in interpretation, on the subject of remarriage after divorce, between Catholic and Protestant views. It is possible that what he said to you was colored by his personal faith tradition. Any more than that, I'm going to let you check out yourself, since I've got no desire to start a religious war here.

tl

BCB,

Jesus said: Matthew 19:8&9 (NIV)

The admonishment here is that divorce for just any old reason you can dream up is not allowed. Jesus states that this does not apply in cases of marital unfaithfulness. The word used here for marital unfaithfulness in the Greek is porneia which is the root for our word pornography. It's implication speaks to sexual and self serving/self indulgent sexual activity though the word adultery is not directly used, though it falls under the definition as one such application of the word. It also implies an unrepentant or ongoing condition. The Latin uses the word fornicationem which is our source of the word fornication, which has a broader meaning than just adultery which is a married person having sex with a person that he or she is not married to. It can describe multiple sexual sins, among which is included adultery as defined by the Ten Commandments.

Do not muddle things up by including the I Corinthians 7 passage in your situation. It clearly does NOT apply under the current discussion. Clearly your wife has committed adultery. She is currently living with another man. According to Jesus, the prohibition of remarrying does not apply to your situation since it was the one exception to remarriage after divorce that Jesus makes very clear. His words, "except for marital unfaithfulness" make it very clear that prohibition of remarriage does not apply in such cases.

Once you are divorced, you are free to remarry. You are not obligated to remarry your wife, even if she turns her life around, though THAT decision is entirely up to you, but it is NOT required. If she repents, you are obligated to forgive her, but that does not imply that you can't marry someone else and let her go. But forgiveness has to do with grace and your remarriage has to do with what is just and right in the eyes of God.

Mark

Mark
Thank you for this. I appreciate this so very much. You have given me yet another reason to appreciate and respect your insight and diligence.

BCB,

Are you feeling better now? Are you feeling a bit more focused now that you realize your future is yet to be determined? I hope so.

JL

BCB,

I've been very interested in your thread as I have conflicting feelings on this same issue. My WH and myself started out together in the ministry although I am now wondering if following God was just a career opportunity for HIM. My relationship with Christ since I was 14 has been my center. I didn't turn my back on him just because things didn't go my way.

I come from a strong Christian family and this whole A has me pining away about my future. This discussion has been ongoing between myself and my parents for several days. My mother quoted the Math 19 that was referenced by several here. I agree with Mark....I think we are free to remarry and it's clear in that passage. Another point brought up by my parents is that Jesus also said the when you've broken one, you've broken them all.

The point being is that as humans, we catagorize sin, but God does not. Sin is sin in God's eyes. Why is it that divorce is the only one that is harped upon in the church?

I love the reference that was made earlier about covenant and Israel. I think it's a perfect example.

JL
Thank you for checking in. And yes I am feeling better. Somewhat like coming to a resolution in many areas of my life. I have been mulling this issue over for sometime and I wanted to vet it through MB to get feedback.

So what have I resolved?
1) My marriage will not be restored. It needs to be resurrected. I do not believe my wife has the ability to do this.
2) I have waited a sufficient time. I have not made a hasty decision, I stood at the line of reconciliation and was kicked.
3) I am better off to divorce this woman as she shows no signs of remorse, or humility, and has all the earmarks of entitlement and narcissism.
4) I will continue to stay the course of trying to be an example of stability for my children.
5) I will continue to enforce the boundaries I have established.
6) I will continue to seek emotional health
7) I will live a fulfilling and engaged life living by the golden rule.
8) Pay it forward whenever possible.

Thanks