TB? You still around? How are things?

Hey, I'm still here. Just taking in everything that I've been advised about regarding my situation right now. WH says he will be here in Iowa soon. That is when I plan to tell him what needs to happen in order for our marriage to work. If he doesn't agree to it then I will start plan B the day he leaves. Maybe I'm a little too hopeful, but I thought that him coming home and seeing his family all together would cause him to realize what he'd be losing if he chooses to keep OW, aka vampira, in his life. He is calling me all the time now. He never called me when I first came back all through the month of April. I guess I just took that as a sign that things could get better quicker than usual. We will see. I hope for the best and prepare for the worst.

Hun, no expectations. My WH was coming home every night and seeing his family and he still chose to have his affair. He even decided that he was leaving it. He may see his whole family together and get the wake up call. He most likely will not. Just be prepared. Plan A only works 15% of the time ALONE. A GREAT Plan A is used to have the best impact in Plan B. Get all of your ducks in a row.

Hey everyone.....so I've totally messed up. REally badly. I shouldn't have stopped posting. I should have listened!!!!

Okay, so I haven't started plan B yet. well, not the right way. I'm not speaking to my WH at all. no communication whatsoever, but the plan B letter has not been sent yet.

I was stupid and I put off going into plan B. I didn't want to so I thought I could just wait it out a little longer. Well, little did I know I was headed into the ANGRY stage. I have been angry for weeks now. I got into a fight with WH over the phone because he is still being an arrogant pr*ck. He was still going over and over all the BS from the past and I was just shutting him down left and right. He didn't like that so he hung up. Then he texts me BS about how he loves me and the boys but that he can't be with me unless he wholeheartedly believes that God wants us together and that our marriage is of God. LMAO! Are you kidding me? And he said that he knows we could make it work if he was willing to do so, but that he's not. HAHAHA. How retarded. So I told him to go off and find himself all he wants wit his little kitty Cat and that I don't wanna talk to him.

I know that I messed up! I just couldn't take it anymore. I was sooooo angry with him and his stupid delusions. I mean, what the hell do these waywards think? (oh wait, they don't. haha) I mean, does he believe that GOD gift wrapped vampira ho bag just for him? LIke a beautiful, shiny new Christmas toy! Make me PUKE. And tell me if htis is normal wayward behavior....he's on FB tellin people how great his life is going. He is braggin and stuff sayin he's on fire, on a roll. He doesn't even call to talk to the kids. HE has NOT been back to see his now 11 week old son. Can we say DEADBEAT!

So, anyway, sorry I was on a tangent but I'm PISSED. I am mad as HELL. Think Lisa Left Eye Lopez when she burnt down her waywards house! ok!!!! that PISSED! Anyway, how do I fix things now? Should I still write a plan B letter? I would like to salvage my marriage whenever dipstick is ready. But I am also wondering if it's even worth it. He is sooooo ARROGANT. I mean, beyond what I've ever seen as arrogant. He said something so stupid the other day. He said "perception and reality. it's a fine line". WHAT A JOKE! haha. ANyway, HELP ME!!!

It is DEFINITELY far past time to go into PLan B. Problem is, you don't want to go into PLan B with an AO. The last thing your WH SHOULD have remembered was a good woman. THIS is why we suggested Plan B to you a LONG time ago. There is still some value in PLan B. I will let the vets tell you if you should Plan A a little(like a week or so) and then go into PLan B. Thing is, you may not WANT to recover after all is said and done. Prepare for that eventuality as your LB is pretty well dry.

Well. Don't be too hard on yourself. Definitely you are in a vulnerable positon to the max.

Buy the book if you have not Surviving An Affair and read it cover to cover.

I am not sure if you have any plan A in you at this point so others can address that. Just perhaps you can respond to his going over the BS from the past with a memorized, rehearsed.."Hmmmm, perhaps I was hasty to get riled up. Hmmm. I see. Hmmmm. I don't know about it. Thanks for sharing." (ugh) It would be a challenge for darn sure.

Being completely dark when you go dark will save your spirit. It will save your spirit by detaching from the horror but allowing for the possibility of rebuilding should your spouse ever be up to redemption. You build your own life and work through your own thoughts and wind up in your own future. Maybe without your H, maybe with your H. No point in conjecturing much on the outcome but a valid way to get to the best ultimate destination for you and the children given the circumstance of betrayel by the man you married.

Yeah, after our one fight over the phone we texted a bit for a week after that and I wasn't doing any LB's. I told him that he can do whatever the thinks he needs to do in order to figure out what he wants and that I will be here in Iowa, with the boys, living my life the best I possibly can. I let him know that I love him and that I want us to reconcile in the future and that the boys really miss him and wish for us all to be together. I haven't heard from him since. So, I'm going to write my plan B letter and mail it. I also filed for child support because he has not sent me but $450 in 4 months time. NOT ENOUGH. I'm not minding the no contact right now. I hate talking to him.

You need to let his FB friends know that he is still having his affair.


"My husband and OW are still having an affair. This ongoing affair has led my husband to abandon me and our children. I want our marriage to recover, and ask everyone to encourage him to return to the marriage. He has not even seen his 11 week old son, preferring instead to stay in his affair, denying his marriage, and turning his back on his family. Please support our marriage, help WH by telling him the right thing to do is to come home and at least talk to me, to see his children, quit seeing the other woman forever, and reconcile the marriage. Our marriage can survive his having an affair - it cannot survive the continued presence of this other woman."


Then, send the Plan B letter. It should be a love letter, explaining that you have waited for him to end his affair, that you know that he is seeing the other woman and that you no longer can live with her in the picture. You have decided to protect whatever love you have left for him by having no contact of any kind with him until he has decided to end his affair with her, return to the marriage, and go to counseling with you to repair the damage he has caused.


And then, go completely dark. That means, no FB, no calls, texts, nothing. DARK.

And yes, you need a legal separation, so that you can get child support.


SB

Thanks SB. I'm on that right away. I'm mailing the letter first thing in the morning. And I will be contacting all his fb friends. i assume he will be raging at that point. would it be a good idea to change my cell #? He has my parents house number so he would still have a way to get in contact with the boys. I just don't feel like having to read angry texts or emails from him. I just want to avoid that altogether because it will hurt too much. I know he will say a lot of crazy things. I will be back to post more after I've done waht I need to do! Thanks again!

It is a good idea to change your cell phone number. I also unplugged the answering machine. Don't forget to black his email address. He WILL try to contact you. You could make an email address for your children. I forget, how old are the older ones? Could they read the emails themselves? If not, you could get your parents to read the emails to them.

Remember, stay DARK. It will be hard on you but you WILL feel better.

Block all access to you - and then resist any urge to contact him.

Make sure you have an intermediary that he can contact in the even he pulls his head out of his butt and wants to reconcile, or if there is business or an emergency.


SB

Thanks everyone. I sent the letter today. I do have a question. So, after we had our fight over the phone we started texting for about a week after that. We ended on better terms the last time we texted. I told him that I was letting go and that he needs to do whatever it is he needs to do and that I would be living my life the best I can in these circumstances. Then he sent me a text asking about the boys. I told him about them and how wonderful they are and all the cute things they've done and then I told him about how Isaiah is sad and how he will say that he wants mommy and daddy together and how he looks at our wedding picture and talks about how pretty I looked and how he wants to see us happy. That was the last text I sent him. I have not heard from him since. He has not called to talk to his boys. He has not tried to contact me at all.

So, I sent the plan B letter. Will it even make a difference? I don't think he cares. He stopped talking to us 2 weeks ago. Does this mean I should just accept the fact that he will most likely want a divorce? I mean, before he was contacting me all the time. Now he's not. Is this typical wayward behavior? Also, he does not talk to his family at all. I'm going down to see them next week. My mother in law is paying the way. His whole family are upset about what's happening and they are really angry with him. It will be strange to be there without him.

Also, I know I shouldn't be entertaining myself with thoughts of what him and vampira are doing....but do waywards eventually introduce their AP to their own family? Like, would a wayward bring their partner in adultery home for the holidays to meet mom and dad? I'm concerned about it because I do NOT want my children around that adulterous whore. Or their father for that matter. Do any of you think that the children should be around a father that is committing adultery?

It seems that he is living the high life and enjoying the ride. WH told me that it would feel "unjust" for him to be with me and that he is a better person without me, with no resentment or bitterness about me ruining his dreams. I know I shouldn't listen to wayward babble, but those words really hurt. How do you move past all the horrid things they do and say? I'm reading the book and I'm reading articles here but I still have anger and so much pain. I look in my little boys' eyes and I just feel so much sorrow. I have never known pain like this before.

It may or may not make a difference to him, but for you there is a solid plan for you to follow. It can help you if anything.


Who knows what he wants, I am going to assume that he does not want a divorce but threatens it often. I suggest you prepare for you to file. I'm not saying this should be the end result, but you should prepare to file.


Each WS is different. Some do this, some don't. He only talks to you when he needs his tink' and kids fix.


Lots of WS want their OP to meet the family. My WW wanted her OM to go on vacation with us....blech! Its a really twisted fantasy. I would not expect a WW to pull a surprise vist on mom and dad with OP. Especially parents who disapprove. They usually test the waters asking if OP can come.


I do not approve of any kids being around WS and their OP. It is not something the kids should be brought up thinking "Its okay to date while married". Read this article: Infidelity: The lessons children learn


Yup, he is doing this to justify himself. He has to tell himself over and over that he has no regrets. In my observance the people who say they have no regrets are the ones with the most problems. Its like a mantra that makes all the bad things they do go away, but it never works, they are fooling themselves.

These are the toughest times I have ever experienced in my life. I know the worst physical pain when I had appendicitus, and now I know true emotional pain. I don't wish this on you at all, and neither does your family and his family. Bask in all our support each chance you get. Sorry you are here.


{{{{{{Tink}}}}}}

YES, it makes a difference because you are showing him you have boundaries. You want to live like a single person? You won't get one single EN met by me.

Secondly, Plan B is to help you get into the mindset of moving on with your life...it stops being all about the WS.

Prepare yourself for him to try to make contact. I wouldn't be surprised if he tries very soon. Waywards hate Plan B.

Hang in there. [[[[[[[[Tink]]]]]]]]]]]]]

So, when waywards respond to plan B are they usually very angry? I'm trying to prepare myself for what he's going to do. Since everyone tells me that he WILL try to contact me I need to be ready. He still has ALL of my stuff in California. I guess I should just count my losses and get new stuff and a new life. He's done that for himself. And just a question for all you BS out there....how did you make it through the temptation to be with someone else if just for revenge and/or comfort during the nightmare of your spouse having an affair? I am soooo tempted. I hate the fact that he is "in love" and having sex all he wants and I'm left lonely and celibate. I will be honest, I've had thoughts of him and vampira getting run over by a bus that I'm driving.

The only experience I have with Plan B other than the boards is as an IM and the experience only lasted one day. The vet who was advising me explained that the WS would "freak out". Oh boy, did he ever. I don't know that that will happen for you, especially since he has become used to you not meeting as many ENs in the last two weeks...but it might so be prepared.

You need to give Plan B a chance. The dynamics of the WS life change when they know that the BS is not waiting around. STAY DARK. Hopefully more Plan B Vets will come by... From what everyone says, you will start to feel better soon

Most importantly, do NOT date! Hang in there!

How I keep myself from being tempted by other men, is to just not let any meet any needs. I put up EPs around myself so that would NEVER happen. I act as if I am still married because, wouldn't you know, I AM. As long as you have EPs in place and don't let anyone meet your ENs, you SHOULD be okay.

Now, I don't know exactly how your WH will react to Plan B since he has been without your presence for so long, and you know what, IT DOESN'T MATTER. You are in PLAN B so you don't care. Get it? You have to change your mindset in regards to your WH. He can no longer be the first thing you think of. I know it is hard. I still catch myself thinking about WH. I see a pair of shorts that he would like, then I get mad at myself for thinking about him. It takes time and I realized lately that I have thought about WH less and less.

Dreams are completely normal too. I would dream of things like that as well. I would wake up smiling. I wouldn't do anything IRL(at least I hope I would be able to control myself), but it made me feel so good to "see" it.

Understand that these next few weeks will be trying on you too. You need to work through all of the feelings you are dealing with. You can't just ignore them. We will be here for you.

STAY DARK.

Ok, I will stay dark. I will. I just hope I am strong enough to endure the temptation that comes my way. I am not doing too good with my needs NOT being met at ALL. I am going through a phase of hating the depravity of humans and wishing for death rather than enduring this. My oldest son Isaiah who turns 5 next Friday was drawing sad faces on the walls (washable marker thank GOD) in his room and he told me it's because he misses daddy and wants daddy to be with mommy. It breaks my heart. The one thing I never wanted for my kids was a broken home. And I am also going through feelings of neglect and abandonment, that i'm sure all of you understand. WH has made me feel worthless and empty. I'm trying to keep busy and I'm going to start school this fall. I'm working again too. It helps, but I still feel the pain at the end of the day.

It really is hard on the kiddos. Just try to help him out as much as you can. Can you find someone who can listen to him? I have seen and read that for young children, therapists get them to draw out their feelings. It helps. It's like their version of journaling.

Now, as far as your own feelings. The farther you get into Plan B, the better you will feel. These feelings will return after every contact with your WH. If that doesn't make you want to stay dark, I really don't know what will.

Here is a thread that I read that helped me realize I needed to stay DARK in Plan B. It is from a poster, who unfortunately, doesn't post anymore. Her name is Mimi. http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1072094&page=48

The reason you are feeling bad now is NOT because your needs aren't being met but rather because you stayed in Plan A for too long. Dr H says that BSs can have breakdowns when they endure too much of Plan A.

I am NOT saying this to make you feel bad for that decision. Rather I am hoping it will strengthen your resolve to stay dark so that you can get healthy and not let your WH drag you down anymore.

Hope you are feeling better soon