I am a newbie to this site and trying to follow the advice of others by posting my story and asking for help.
I answered the appropriate questions in my signature...
The rest of my story. My H had an EA with a colleague that became PA while I was with my dad who died pretty suddenly in March 2010 (he was 63). Actual PA was while I was in ICU with dad... this has made it a extremely big blow. DD1 was 4/12/10, DD2 (more details and admitted to be in love with AP) was 5/19/10, but tt since and latest intrusion was from OW on 7/30 regarding meeting coming up at end of month that both H and OW will attend. H has said he is commited to NC but has not sent letter to OW to tell her not to contact him. Other issue for me is that OW has same name as my DD1.

Started MC but has since not been going because of conflict at one of the sessions. I am seeing the therapist as IC for now.
Rollercoaster is really hard to live on.

I have read large parts of this website under the guidance of a new friend who has been through this. Will probably order the book soon. 'Not Just Friends' has been a big help to me as well. I am looking to make the changes in me and learning to let go of what I can't control.

So, I am here to continue my journey and hopefully save my marraige. Thank you to those who have read my post

You will be on one h*llish rollercoaster ride if they continue to work together. Recovery CAN NOT happen if they continue to work together, even if C is "limited" or "unlikely".

Your H needs to quit his job, unless OW does.

I'm sorry to say but this is non-negotiable.

Welcome to MB!

Saying is just words. Sending is an action.

You cannot even start the first step down the recovery path until they commit to permanent No Contact.

They cannot work together. Someone has to leave.

Sorry you are here but people can help if you are willing to take action.

Is the OW married?

I am unaware of a single recovered marriage at this site where work contact continued. Not one.

Thanks MarriedForever and chrisner. OW is married (she is 28 and married 3 years) and supposedly has told her BS.
She is in another state (3 hours away) and they will see each other at professional meetings at least 4 times a year. H has no interest in quitting his job... other part of it is H and I work together... I am actually looking for another job 1) because I hate mine 2) H feels trapped that we work together and 3) I need to get out of here if this fails...

I know NC is mandatory... last week I stood up finally for myself and said as much after OW contacted H and asked 1) was I coming to the meeting 2) was he staying overnight 3) how he was doing. To his great credit H came and told me about call immediately after and has tried to be transparent to a point (another post in this story). But he did answer her questions that 1) no I am not coming (he didn't want me to and now it is the first day of school for our kids) 2) he is coming home (my one victory) and 3) that we are doing better (or we were until I raised issues with her contacting him...). He then asked how she was and they exchanged 'pleasantries'. I KNOW... needless to say I am not happy that this is all I have after 4 months of this. He has read some of the NJF book, but is not fully committed to working out our marriage problems and is in a full blown mid-life crisis (feels trapped, has been unhappy with me entire adult life).

So I am still trying to stand up for myself but also trying to show that I am working on the things that I need to change for our marriage to improve. Such a hard balancing act.

Who ever told you that was probably lying.

You need to expose the adultery to him as soon as possible.

Yes! She has been married ONLY three years and she's already cheating? Her BH definitely needs to be told by YOU personally about what happened. I seriously doubt he has been told.

I have considered this under the advice from this and another online forum, but OW BH has a different last name than she does and I was not able to easily find it by google. Honestly, I also am not sure I am able to take this risk yet... H will be furious (yes, I did read the posts about it today even!) and H has told me that she told him 1) she told her H and 2) they were in therapy.
I know I know... 2x4s are appropriate. I haven't gotten strong enough yet to do this...
I do wonder how he is feeling though.

I should also clarify. OW BH has a different last name but I don't know what it is... only what hers is and that they are not the same.

I call BS on that, and I don't mean betrayed spouse. Your WH told you that so you would expose to OWH on your own. It's likely a lie. Find him and expose to him PERSONALLY.


Not good enough. NC means NC FOR LIFE! Your marriage will not improve as long as there is sporradic contact.


Tough. He has to leave his job. If he doesn't, you expose to your employer (your boss, his boss, HR, corporate, etc.).
1) I'm sorry you hate the job.
2) Of course he feels trapped, you probably will be watching him everytime OW comes to town. But wait, if he feels so trapped, why doesn't he look for a new job?
3) It will fail if he doesn't get another job.


Obviously you don't


The best lies contain part of the truth. Him telling you that she called and this is what he told her is just to lower your suspicions so that you are okay will allowing him to go by himself again. I'm sure they'll "hang out" again while he's there, but he'll tell you some BS about her wanting to go out together, but he said that he was working things out with you.


MLC is just BS. He had some needs that weren't being met, had some poor boundaries, let OW meet them, and now he's not happy you aren't letting OW meet them anymore.


Not that bad. You just need to take the bull by the horns and his b@lls in your hands. Meet the ENs he will allow you to meet, but insist on NC for life. That includes changing jobs. If not, you need to treat this like a full blown active affair (cause it is, you finding out just put a damper on it) and start exposing, to OWBH, OW family and friends, your employer, and your WH's family and friends. You don't accept anything less than a new job and NC letter. If he doesn't, continue to plan A for another two months, but then hit him with a legal separation and plan B. Your WH wants to straddle the fence and not make a decision. Worrying that you may be moving on will likely force him to. If you have done a good plan A, his decision will be the same whether or not you put up with this for years. Forcing him to make a decision after a few months will only shorten the duration of his affair or shorten your suffering. Either way, he's going to decide what he's going to decide.

Honestly, for less than $55, you could get all the dirt you ever wanted on OW. It's about getting the gumption to stand up to your WH and actually do something to improve your situation. YOU ARE IN CONTROL!

And if it is the truth (not a chance) then who is it going to hurt if you contact him?

Try Pipl.com to get information on her BH.

She is still after your husband. He is not comitting to stop her at all.

Every contact with her is a restart of his withdrawal.

Island10 want 2x4's

Read my thread. I unfortunately went to another online forum that did not encourage exposure. A was able to flourish from June 08 to Dec 08 before I told and guess what it was too late.

Now the Affairage is in October. In hindsight I would have exposed the first day if I knew what I knew now to save my M.

Listen to these vets that have recovered their M.

Hello-
I started here yesterday and got some feedback that, while it may be tough love, really actually has turned me off of coming here again.
But since I am willing to listen to all advice, I will ask the follow-up question in a new topic.

background- I have not contacted OW H and am reluctant to at this point. Feedback was that I had to and I understand that is a part of the MB approach.

BUT... other things I have read here say that the affair will likely die its own death in 6 months once exposed (to me at least?).

SO, how many people did NOT expose and still feel like it was the right thing to do? My H is not a perfect WS and has not done all the things he needs to for us to start R, but should I undermine what he has started at this point? I also have not done the perfect BS Plan A, and spent the first three months doing anything but the right things. I am still learning and trying to focus on what I can change in me and not control what H does or doesn't do.

Thank you for your help and feedback, but please remember how it feels to be new to this hell. I am only beginning to get my feet under me.

I can't really comment much about the complete exposure thing because I haven't yet either. I tried to contact OWH but only could through FB and he didn't contact me back. I'm waiting on a possible transfer to go through in a week so H and OW are no longer working together but if that fails to happen than I will end up exposing to the company and finding another way to contact OWH.

To each their own. But just know that if they do keep working together you will be like me right now going crazy every day H goes to work.

I DID make H expose to his boss though. Just so someone in the work place was made aware of the situation but trust me it didn't help me. I want to truly believe H when he say he don't talk to POSOW anymore and has no feelings for her BUT I don't. I am going on hope that the transfer goes through. BUT if it don't believe me I WILL EXPOSE IT ALL!

Your M is your own and your R is your own. MB says that exposure is key and it is. You should at least expose to family and friends at least (I did). The A is based off sercerts and being able to be discreet. When you expose you "pull the cutains back and let the light through." It's harder to sneak around and have an A when you have ppl watching you. I had to expose for my own well being. I'm still having a hard time because H and OW still work together but I didn't fully expose either. I'm trying to get a transfer for H (in the military) without ruining his career BUT if it don't happen I'd rather H work fast food and give the M a shot at R than let the A continue.

It's honestly up to you. It's your M. It's your R. I partly exposed and i'm still having problems and you'll have ppl tell you that they never heard of a M making it when the A is able to continue.

You have to make that choice. As ppl on here told me "your M can survive your H's anger at the exposure BUT it CAN'T survive the A continuing."

So my question to you is how long are you willing to let this affair go on? 6 months? 2 years? If so then you don't have to worry about exposure....

But...

2 weeks? 2 months?

THEN

EXPOSE!!

Island,

Did I read this correctly? Your H is going to an away, overnight meeting. OW will be there and you will be staying home getting the kids off to first day of school. If I read this correctly, you do know what they will be doing at the meeting, right?

Your H is not committed to the marriage because he is still in the middle of his affair. Get the book, "Surviving an Affair" and read it cover to cover asap.

AM

AM

I promise you - this affair will NEVER end as long as they work together. In my time here I've never seen ONE marriage survive constant contact.

Exposure will make him angry - your marriage can withstand his anger.

Your marriage will NOT withstand him seeing the OW at work.

It wont.

You can't negotiate that.

I'm sorry that isn't what you want to hear.

It sucks, it does, I know.

But think of it this way - your marriage will ONLY have a chance at recovery if you expose.

So either you get:
No exposure, affair continues, damaging you, your health, your family and eventually you lose your husband to the OW.

Or you expose and you lose your husband to the OW - but seeing as he isn't the man you married, he is a cheating liar. You don't WANT to have that man in your life. He will destroy you and your health and your family. (see scenario 1)

BUT there is a chance, a good chance, that if you expose, the affair ends, your husband and you recover and you have a BETTER marriage than ever before.

Only exposure gives you a chance at Scenario 3.

Let me repeat: ONLY EXPOSURE gives you a chance at full recovery. All the other options will leave you broken, and empty.

Oh - and as for the 6 months thing.... yeah probably not going to happen. You will simply be an enabler of his affair. You will become your husband's accomplice in destroying your family. Your knowledge without action or consequence will do absolutely NOTHING to end his affair. In fact - lack of action on your part is the same as tacit approval of his behavior.

Island10, I am glad you are here. You are getting good advice, advice I know is somewhat scary. But it is spot on. The first order of business is to start the "finding the BH" process. Then your workplace needs to be told - there are examples of very professional exposure letters on some of the threads. It makes WS's MAD when their little A parties are messed up by exposure. But that is because they can't hide from the truth. You just tell him that you are committed to doing whatever it takes to restore this marriage....then offer him a nice cookie . You have kids, so you know how throwing a temper tantrum is usually their last ditch effort to get their way before they figure out it ain't gonna happen.

Hang in there. This is an excellent place to be through the entire recovery process.

I had a A 5 yrs ago. H didn't know, the A did die in 6 months, I ended it and choose to be with my H.

I exposed myself 2 yrs later to H about the A. I couldn't take the lies anymore. H never exposed.

2 yrs later H has A.

See that cycle. My M never really R, we had a "false R." I wish H would of exposed my A. I told him to. Instead he pushed it inside and it ate and him and made him angerier and angerier. EXPOSE! H became the very thing he hated. He had an A with a married woman.

I wish H exposed. Then we might of been able to R right and wouldn't be dealing with H's A right now.