You know, I have an xh like you. He cheated twice (that I know of). The first time was devastating. The second time I was done. I left him and it was one of the best decisions I have made in life. My xh is still angry after seventeen years and he is still cheating on his second W. He is a mess. He is 47 and looks as though he is sixty. He always tells me how stupid he was for letting me go. You know what I hear when he says that "blah", "blah", "blah". You are going to loose your W for some skanky woman who could care less about M vows and it will serve you right.

So, what you're saying is that you played the 'religion card' so you'd sound remorseful to your wife, then, right? Why else did you start yapping about attending services, since you didn't/don't want to find religion?

Moral compass: you make this sound like an item that's lost way back in your closet, or down in the couch cushions. This has nothing to do with your moral compass, Stay. You've always had a sense of right and wrong (moral compass). You never lost that - you just chose to ignore it in order to get your short-term needs met, instead of working with your wife to make your M the best it could be. That probably seemed like too much work, yes?

By the way, now that I've let you have it welcome. Don't play with us - be straight and we'll try to help you see what you can salvage out of this tragedy. Be ready to be called out if you try to cushion your actions.

Yep. This could well be the case for you, Stay. My H ran this bus over me one time, and that's all I've got in me. If it were to happen again, self-preservation would cause me to run. I can never go through the hell of recovery again. I just don't have it in me. I don't think you can ever realize what you've done to your wife and kids. It's like trying to explain childbirth pain to a male. Can't be adequately done.

SaW,
How long has this new A been going on before you got exposed? I think it's an important question for you to fess up to. You said you were here 7 years ago and things were going well. When did things START with OW2? Did you become exceeding selfish before or after your "signicant turn of events". Be honest and fess up. I'm thinking you never took MB seriously in the first place and used it as a tool to manipulate BW. Now you're doing it again and throwing in the God card for good measure in addtion to using a bunch of "significant turn of events" excuses that most all of us go through at one point or another. Either get serious and get with the program or get out.

Uh-huh. I didn't think he'd be able to handle reality. Recovery will be too much work for this wayward.

What's with the code in his edit comments?


DLKfasdioh
kuhiugh
uglkjh

Guess he was WAY more FOGGED up then we expected. Oh well...like we always say...

NEVER have any expectations for those who are wayward!

Just in case ...

MeThinks he just typed "something" in the edit reason box. In no way shape or form was it as clever as chrisners reasons...

Stayawhile, I know EXACTLY how you feel about the responses to your initial post. I read it before anyone responded and thought "this guy has absolutely no idea what is about to hit him." I almost felt sorry for you.

And the reason I know is because the EXACT same thing happened to me.

Don't let it run you off. There's so much good information here, and the people really do want to help you, although I know it doesn't feel that way. Whether you reconcile or divorce, you will come through this a better human being if you let these people help you.

I read that your BW wants to see the man she married again as she is open to reconciliation? That's excellent! So I'll ask you the question people asked me for 65+ pages: What are you going to DO? Going to services is good for you, good for her and good for your kids.

What else you got?

What are you going to DO? Words are meaningless.

Come back and post. Yes, it's horrible and aggravating and infuriating and you'll get lots of serious headaches from the 2x4's (where is that icon? I want it!) and you currently think that these people just don't understand your special circumstances or they wouldn't react this way so it's pointless to continue here with such a hard hearted, "gratuitously cruel" (a direct quote from me on one of my early posts) people who are taking out their own anger at their own WS on you.

Post. Answer the questions. Take the hits. Be honest, as in don't say what you think MelodyLane wants to hear to get her off your back because that doesn't help.

Post.

Bit of a t/j here, but there is a serious downside to being a WW from Texas who has butted heads with Mel -- every single woman I see with big hair I think "is that her?" Keeps me in line.

Stayawhile

should be Staytill2x4s

NotStay

Stayawhile =

Has Stayawhile left the building

In his defense, it is a lot to take in. It feels very hostile at the time and WS's are skittish. We've been leading secret lives so we startle easily.

And when I say stuff like that, don't infer that I am saying BS's aren't skittish and don't have strong startle responses. I'm sure they do. But they aren't met at the forum door with 2x4's.

He showed up with a confession and a letter expecting a pat on the back, and wham! I wish now that I had posted "Welcome to MB, let me tell you what is about to happen so you can take a breath and brace yourself."

You can't assume that just because he's had A's he isn't sincere about wanting to return to his faith -- isn't redemption what faith is about in the end?

Stayawhile, I thought it was a nice letter, but it doesn't matter what I or any of the other posters think. It matters what your W thinks. You clearly gave the letter a lot of thought. You just need to do more thinking is all. These folks will help you with that.

Nice letter checked off the list.

What else you got?

We're especially HARD of the WS who previously came to MB ... and STILL had yet another wayward experience.

Like, what's the point?

As a BS I was pounded by 2x4s within the third or fourth post. I was still removing the blood spots by the 2nd page.

I kept coming back, I thought everyone here was certifiable crazy.

Both BS and WS are made to be accountable. We know that when we get kicked here it is done with love and best of intentions.

I hope he comes back but it is his choice...like chosing the A.

well said hope.... i know i have been pounced on a time or two... and even to the point of tears at times.

NO one is perfect both BS and WS alike. The BS get pounced on daily for NOT doing the right thing.... look at the list they are making about why BS don't expose.

And Pep is right kinda hard to digest when a WS who was supppposed to made amends didn't learn the first time around.

I want everyone who has a chance of having a healthy marriage gets it.

SW, there's actually a thread buried around here that has photos of alot of the members who still post.

I can see how you might view this as a "nice" letter.

Maybe this conversation will help YOU, SW.

If my H wrote the following line to me after destroying my heart a SECOND TIME ...



.... my cynicism could not be contained, I guarantee that.

A second betrayal is different.
A second betrayal becomes a character issue, until proven otherwise.
Like the second DUI .... that person is no longer a person who "made a mistake" .... that person is now DANGEROUS to everyone's safety.

Especially DANGEROUS if they say "I love you" ....
when they have NO freakin' idea how to behave in ways that do not rip apart the heart and soul of the person(s) they supposedly love.

I could NOT tolerate my husband telling me "ILY" after D day.
I told him:
"Do NOT say those words to me. You said them to OW.
Your words are counterfeit."

What possible good is "love" when a person is willing to destroy the object of that love?

I appreciate your coming to his defense, SW, I really do.
The dynamics of a second betrayal AFTER a MB education ... is beyond cruel.

The betrayed spouse after a second betrayal loses confidence that THEY can determine what is up, what is down, when something is a danger, and when something is safe.

"I love you" does NOTHING to make the BS feel safe.

If he were being honest, he would complete the thought like this:

"I love you, yet I am willing to betray you, despite loving you."

Empty words, those.

Actually, her hair is pretty.
And, it's NOT all that BIG.

Stayawhile's post is my recurring nightmare. I think H's and my recovery is going well - far better than I expected as recently as six months ago. However, I was so blindsided by my H's affair, I doubt my ability to spot warning signs of waywardness. I think it would be nearly impossible to recover if this were to happen to me 7 years after knowing the wreakage of a first affair.