With heavy heart I am now in this forum. I have decided to enter into divorce mediation with my WW after a tumultuous 4 months of trying to break up her EA with an old HS friend.

I have been slowly grieving the end of our 16 year marriage...in March I was about 30% OK and 70% complete wreck. Now I'd say that I'm about 60% OK and 40% emotional. When I have my sad moments I don't try to suppress the emotions...just let the tears flow. I have a good support system with some other single dads and of course my immediate family. I have two beautiful DD's that I love with all my heart and will concentrate my efforts on their emotional well being.

I haven't thought about dating yet...

I have read and recommend "Single Married Separated and Life After Divorce" by Myles Munroe. The book basically states that we must love ourselves first before we can even think about loving someone else. I'm on a self discovery (minds out of the gutter please) tour to get back to loving myself. I let my STBXWW and our marriage define who I was rather than me defining who I am.

If STBXWW can get her act together and decide to reconcile, great...the light is still on but I can't guarantee how long the light will remain on...Time for me to start worrying about getting my needs met

That's it for now!

Tell me you did not move out, roll over, and let this woman walk all over you. You should be engaged in a bitter divorce and custody dispute. Don't give this woman what she wants in the divorce in an effort to avoid conflict. You and your children will pay the price.

I did move out but I have not let STBXWW walk all over me...In fact, quite the opposite. I've learned to set and enforce boundaries and the boundary I set was no further contact with OM with a consequence of me leaving the marriage...STBXWW crossed the boundary and now I'm enforcing the boundary.

Through this whole process I gained back my dignity and self respect so I went from needing the marriage to wanting the marriage. I 180'd/GAL'd and now I'm moving on with my life.

And you just handed custody of your poor children on a silver platter to your WW. Is OM going to be banging your WW in your old house while you are still paying the mortgage as well? What did your lawyer say when you told him you moved out? If he didn't object then you probably need a new lawyer.

Chill out dude...there comes a point when you need to cut your losses.

1) Right now we split custody 50/50 which according to the attorneys I've spoken with is fine as long as you document the amount of time you spend with the children. It's called establishing status quo.

2) House is on the market.

3 I'm not worried about a custody battle because STBXWW has no money to hire an attorney...that's why we are going mediation. A prolonged nasty divorce only hurts DD's. I would much rather have my DD's see Daddy happily married to another woman than have DD's live with two unhappy people in a tension filled house. Now you can spout as many statistics about children and divorce as you want but remember there are lies, damned lies, and statistics.

Now you can either help me or not but I don't need your lectures or your baseless judgments.

Any attorney worth his salt would tell you not to move out of the house.

I hear you and I would normally subscribe to that but in my sitch it was better for me to stay with family. I talked to DD10 yesterday about marriage and she said she still wants to get married when she grows up so at least her view of marriage hasn't been tainted.

Now, if one of my DD's ever finds herself facing infidelity, I will absolutely advise them to do what I've learned from this and other sites regarding affair busting.

I've also learned many things from this and other sites on building healthy, stable relationships from the ground up so hopefully my next relationship will outlast this one...

I'm not sure judgement is the word to throw out here, but I'm concerned that 4 months is only as long as you have tried. I know the pain of betrayal, it is forever, and we want relief.

However, moving out may create a precedent, I believe.

My niece was asked to move out so her husband could "find himself, have space." Of course he was in an EA. When the settlement came, he said, "You moved out! You abandoned me!" That's how the mediator read it.

Asking HER to move out as the one who betrayed the covenant may have given you more leverage.

Thinking about a future relationship at this point may not be helpful. Reconciliation can still take place. Your WW may have another reality adjustment when D proceedings take place.

I haven't read your postings other than this one, so I don't know your story. How long has your wife been involved with OM? And how young are you two?

You do know that allowed to run its course, most affairs die of their own after 2 years?

That's not to say D cannot happen and remarriage afterwards with reconciliation work, but adding another new person to your life now could sabotage any possibilities of that.

And yes, Monroe is correct, we need to love ourselves, but also let God heal the many wounds of betrayal as well as show us our own hearts and what we must deal with to become the healthiest spiritual person possible. I'm not sure 4 months has been long enough for that to happen to you. You say you are 40% emotional. You're still dealing with things.

We are just concerned for you.

I believe 95 is just concerned for how this will shake down for you legally.

Maybe S L O W D O W N is the word.

This said from a BS waiting over 5 years. My H's affair has ended. He is coming out of the fog. He is realizing and saying things he could not have believed 4 months after DDay.

Just encouraging you to consider.

I know you all mean well and I appreciate the legal concern but sadly, the actual discussion of splitting assets, custody and such have been the best conversations we've had in months. Having said that, I think STBXWW may be starting to have a reality adjustment now that we are actually filling out the D paperwork...who knows...

I am genuinely happy for those success stories such as 77's and Jim's...keep up the good work and continued success! Unfortunately, my story hasn't seen success yet...time will tell

Me, dating...not even remotely close to considering dating at this point.

I may have mislead you. While my husband is REALIZING things he didn't before, we are not in reconciliation. We are separated because he is not willing to do the work necessary to restore our marriage.

I am still waiting, but pursuing my own healing, awareness and self-evaluation.

It can take a long time. He may never decide to work on reconciliation.

But, if I had started D proceedings 4 months or even a year after DDay - he would have still been in the fog believing he could have a life with OW. (who in the 2 years since she left him, got counseling and is now married to someone else.)

As I said, I don't know how long the A has been going, and I see by your signature that you have young children and alot of years left to enjoy marriage yourself.

I am older and have been married twice as long as you, so waiting is not such a challenge for me. I understand.

As far as getting along with your WW in D discussions. It is common for EXs to get along better than when married --no more stress and pressure to make the relationship "work", and the topic of common conversation and interest being something you both love -- your children.

It's because you are giving her what she wants, the freedom to pursue her relationship w/ OM without your further interference. Trust me, she'll screw you over the second you get in her way of what she wants. What if OM (or any new guy for that matter) wants to start things off new together in another state? Guess who will screw you over and take the kids with her. She'll play nice as long as she gets what she wants, but if you stand in the way between her and her "happiness" well, he11 be d@mned, she'll screw you over.

STBXWW in EA since January...exposed to OMW, OM family & friends, WW friends and family. Several tense moments culminating in the POSOM calling the police on me for "threatening Him" by telling him to stop talking to my wife (Twilight Zone anyone?). I digress...STBXWW is in an apt and I'm with staying with family...DD's split time at both locations.

I'm GALing, Holding onto My N.U.T.S., No More Mr. Nice Guy, setting boundaries, etc.

FWW and I were about to enter mediation...then last week the following happened:

Just as the script reads, STBXWW discovered that POSOM is a psycho that was using her...keep in mind this was an EA only. He started threatening her saying he would make her life miserable, that he knows people and could get me fired, etc. She has ended contact with him...deleted him from her contacts.

STBXWW and I had a wonderful weekend both with and without our DD's. Spent the night together and ended up ML...she initiated while I was rubbing her back.

We had a nice discussion earlier that evening and I told her to just let it all out. I won't go into the details of what happened between STBXWW and POSOM but STBXWW reluctantly did something out of the kindness of her heart. I just kept telling her "I understand your feelings, they're yours and I'm not going to try to talk you out of them".

This was the first time since this all went down that STBXWW has shown genuine remorse. She told me that I was right about POSOM.

The only thing I could do was to just hold her, comfort her, keep her safe, and just let her cry. She said she was afraid that I would hate her and asked a few times why I didn't hate her and why I wasn't angry with her. She said she was scared of everything and that she is extremely fragile.

STBXWW said she misses my back rubs and that I give the best back rubs.

We agreed to piece together the marriage.

I'm glad things have taken a positive turn for you. First thing you need to do is probably call up the Harley's and schedule an appointment. Recovery is a very narrow and treacherous road, so you need to walk down it with extreme caution. The hardest work is ahead. You need to write down a list of conditions she needs to accept BEFORE you allow her back into your life.

I can't tell you how happy I am for you.