</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by baba2:
<strong> Is it just the TV shows or are the "differences" there just the "tip of the iceberg" for you two.
Are you basically incompatable in many ways or is it just the TV thing? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">As you (and others) have surmised, this issue is just the tip. Apologies to all if I don't respond personally to each post here - the thread has gotten away from me somewhat as I seem to have hit a common nerve. Not necessarily a bad thing for discussion. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
I don't think I've gotten my whole point across on this, so if you don't mind I'll try to expand a little bit. Those that contend I've made a disrespectful judgement of my W are, I suppose, correct on that. I guess when I let my emotions take hold, this sort of thing happens.
This whole topic got started because I spent a good deal of Sunday listening to Bill Harley via the "Marriage Talk Radio" page on the site here while I was doing some side work at home. I felt so good about listening that when my W walked into the room I didn't bother to turn it off. Usually I do, because I know her reaction. Well, I got the same reaction this time... She looked at me and asked, "What are you listening to?" with that look on her face that I know so well - half smile, half smirk, total put-down. "Marriage Talk Radio", I said. She responded, "You're crazy." Huh? Crazy? "Why?" I asked. "I don't know. C'mon, dinner's ready", and she left the room. So I let it slide, as I don't like to talk about our troubles in front of my stepdaughter, and I especially don't like ruining an otherwise peaceful dinner.
Later, I confronted her (gently) as she walked into the room to give me a hug. I recently was able to at least SHOW her the MB notebook I had printed out (most of the pages), and explained some of the concepts to her. This was a big step, but I didn't hardly get a reaction out of her (hey, no reaction is an improvement over a negative one). So I asked her, "Why do you think I'm crazy to be trying to work on our marriage? What's so crazy about wanting to work things out between us?" She just mumbled another "I don't know", but suddenly the whole mood changed. She because cold and distant, the hug ended, and I could see her face and body language go from bright and cheery to dark and depressing. She went in and brushed her teeth and came out and said "I have to go to bed." I said "Ok, good night hon", but after a minute I followed her into the bedroom and sat down next to her. I explained things again, that even though I was the betrayer, and even though I am the one who needs to work on my issues, we BOTH need to work on this marriage in order for it to be restored and to work again. She shook her head yes, and I went back to my work.
The next morning when we awoke, her mood was still "different", and so I asked her if I had done or said something last night to change the mood between us, which had recently taken a turn for the better. "No", she replied. "My mood hasn't changed." Hmmm. Could've fooled me.
So where did my intelligence comment come from? Well, you can probably tell I am more of the "intellectual" sort of person - a rational INTP on the Keirsey Temperment Profile - an "architect". Funny enough, my job is as a civil engineer, so my life is fairly well grounded I suppose. I am where I should be in life to make myself happy. I am a logical, deliberate and unspontaneous person. My W, on the other hand, seems to be the complete opposite of me, probable an ESFJ. Where I try to analyze and rationalize, she bases everything on "feelings". Where I am introverted and not all that sociable, she is extroverted and lives for her social life. I consider my W, disrespectful or not, to be an anti-intellectual, for lack of a better term. Where I identify a problem in myself and then tirelessly research and read and talk to others about the cause, effect and solution to the problem, my W just shrugs her shoulders and moves on, or (horrors!) just makes a snap decision and continues on. It's as if she can't be bothered to investigate and analyze, and therefore I see her reaction as "unintelligent", which I realize is not exactly fair to her. The television comment of mine was the most common area of our lives where I see such a huge difference, but I guess I agree that this is not an indication of a lack of intelligence on the part of my W.
So the whole issue here revolves around our marital problems (which stem from both of us but were exacerbated by my infidelity via the internet - no physical contact but an EA, I suppose), and my reaction to her not being willing to take the same steps I wish to take (following the MB concepts). I know it's not fair to my W, and I know she has to make up her own mind as to how to deal with these issues of ours. My need and desire - to begin working on our problems in MY way, or even in ANY way - is a selfish thing. I see that now through this thread and other discussions I have had.
Finally, me and my W are going to separate and see if that helps us. I'm not sure it is going to, but my W had been adamant about it. Since I did offer to "go away" and to work on my issues through counseling, I feel as if I need to live up to my word now despite many people here implying that separating is potentially a mistake, and possibly a fatal one. So be it. The apartment is mine, and this weekend I move out. No computer, so I'm not sure how often I will be able to come here. Part of my problem is addiction to various things, and the computer is definitely one of those things. I'll see how that goes. I am going to try and fill my time in the evenings with other more healthy pursuits, such as exercising, or perhaps getting a second job to pay for the apartment. Finances have always been an issue with us as well - "logical" me has always wanted to budget while my W has always just "winged it" and protected her own income, probably due to unresolved issues from her first marriage which went sour and in which her Ex-H took financial advantage of her.
I think you can tell this situation is a lot more complex than I first let on, but I see most of the points here about me making a disrespectful judgement of my W, and I do appreciate the time people have taken to respond and contribute suggestions. I enjoy the site here, as I think there are a lot of great people with a lot of great ideas and helpful experiences that they are willing to share. I hope you have something else to add - I know I've written a lot here. Best wishes everyone!
