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Well, my H told me that he put a call out to physically hurt OM eventhough he promised that he won't. What can expect from a cheater that can tell lies for 1.5 years! I am so mad at my H right now.

I called the new friend I met on the plane and called the OM. So I didn't contact him directly but atleast he has been warned and to watch his back. I still have strong feelings for other man and I probably did fall for him but just won't admit it. I will get over him but I don't think I can get over my H hurting him.

This isn't as bad as when I found out about my H affairs but this is pretty close.

I am apologizing to my H for protecting the 'enemy'. I am telling him that I want him and I choose our family.

What else can I do?


Me: BS/FWW - 38
BH/FWH - 36
Married 13 years, together 17 years
Two boys: 9 & 12
OW#1 DDay: PA Nov 26, 2009 (July 2008-July 2009)
OW#2 DDay: PA Nov 29, 2009 (May 2009-Sept 2009)

Me: EA/PA (RA?) June 2010-Sept 2010
His DDay: Oct 2010
Joined: Feb 2009
Posts: 375
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For example you could take MB advice from now on.

Instead of stabbing your H again by warning OM behind his back.

Even if your marriage will enter into real recovery in future, this fact will be a huge obstacle for him to overcome.

In your words you say that you choose your family but your wayward actions say otherwise.


Me (FWH) 44
Mrs_Recon6mo (FWW) 42
Married 22 years
2 Children 20 and 22 years
Last D-Day for me: May 2009
Last D-Day for her: October 2008
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 4,222
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Originally Posted by Lost2010
Well, my H told me that he put a call out to physically hurt OM eventhough he promised that he won't. What can expect from a cheater that can tell lies for 1.5 years! I am so mad at my H right now.

I called the new friend I met on the plane and called the OM. So I didn't contact him directly but atleast he has been warned and to watch his back. I still have strong feelings for other man and I probably did fall for him but just won't admit it. I will get over him but I don't think I can get over my H hurting him.

This isn't as bad as when I found out about my H affairs but this is pretty close.

I am apologizing to my H for protecting the 'enemy'. I am telling him that I want him and I choose our family.

What else can I do?

If you are going to keep contacting OM against our advice, why don't you just post on TOW board? Seriously, don't pat yourself on the back for "ending" the affair yet. You just told your husband. You haven't put extraordinary precautions to prevent contact because you are still contacting him. You are an affront to all BS that post here. Clean up your act. You act so entitled because your husband did this to you. It's disgusting. I know you can't probably see it that way now, but it's true, and other posters will tell you the same thing.

Last edited by jmwc95; 10/01/10 07:34 AM.

Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
Jim's Story
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Originally Posted by Lost2010
I talked my H not to contact him for several weeks. I hope that time will calm him down. I truly hope that he doesn't contact the OM FOREVER too. I told him that we need to focus on our marriage and not have OM distract us. He said that he is throwing the blame on OM than me. I know that this time it was my fault and I am glad that I came clean.

I still have deep feelings for OM and I don't want him hurt. I am still in the grieving stage, it's only been 1 week and 3 days so the feelings for OM is still very fresh. I am standing strong...it just distracts me when H goes on his rants and rage. I really want us to focus on our marriage rather than getting distracted.

Are you kidding me? You have just delivered a blow as traumatic as rape or the death of a child to your H and you don't want to be "distracted" with your husbands pain? Do you not understand what you have done to this man?

You have just inflicted a major blow to this man and your concern is about yourself? That is simply amazing in its callousness and cruelty. Are you a cruel person?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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You just went back on Contact, sending messages through a third party is still contact.

Apologizing to your H after the fact doesn't make it better. You knew what you were doing, you knew it was wrong. As long as you keep choosing OM over your H, your marriage has no chance.

I hope your H doesn't go after OM for HIS OWN SAKE. Your worry should be for your H, NOT OM. OM deserves whats coming for him for his scummy low ways.

You can get over your H hurting OM when you realize what scum he is. He isn't wonderful, or amazing, or sensitive. He is the lowest of the low. What makes it WORSE is that he was once betrayed himself, as were you. You KNOW how much pain it creates and you both purposfully inflicted it on your H.

You keep bringing up your H's affairs. As if it somehow excuses your own.

It doesn't.

Your affair reflects NOTHING about your H and EVERYTHING about you, your character, and your morals (or lack thereof).

You're deep in a fog, where up is down and down is up. Like a pilot flying through a cloud. We're the instruments trying to tell you which way is up, you keep not listening to us you're going to crash into the ground.


Me & DH: 28
Married 8/20/05
1DD, 9 mo.
Just Lookin' and Learnin'
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You guys can blame me for the message sent to the OM. She wasn't going to tell her H the OM's identity for fear he would beat him up. So I told her to tell her H and then text the OM and tell him to prepare for an [censored] whooping.

He has it coming, but like you others I worry about the legal fallout for the BH.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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here is the post where this came up:

Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by Lost2010
I am afraid of telling him the WHOLE truth. I don't want to tell him the OM's name because I fear that my H will hurt him physically. .

Your husband has a right to know the name of the OM. For you to place the well being of this scumbag over your own husband indicates that you don't care about your husband. You and the OM are dangerous to him as long as you conceal his ID.

If your H is going to beat him up, then I would text the OM a nc message and warn him that he is going to get a much deserved [censored] whooping from your husband.

You can't possibly expect to recover your marriage when you are still lying to your H and protecting this loser OM. The idenity of loserOM is information your H has a RIGHT TO KNOW and you have no right to withhold it from him.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by Lost2010
it just distracts me when H goes on his rants and rage. I really want us to focus on our marriage rather than getting distracted.

Is there anything else I can do especially this weekend?


Yeah, grow some compassion.

Focus on your marriage= helping your husband through the pain he is ranting and raving about.

Yes, you've been hurt too, yes one day you will have to address his infidelities. But his pain is FRESH it is CURRENT, he has a bleeding wound, yours has scabbed over for now. So address the bleed first.


Me & DH: 28
Married 8/20/05
1DD, 9 mo.
Just Lookin' and Learnin'
HIYA!
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I may get a 2x4 for this, but here goes...

You were wrong for your A, Lost but I don't have much sympathy for your WH/BH and can't stand his hypocrisy. I think most BSs can understand your struggle to want to feel "normal" again...OM was the wrong way to go about it though. No matter what happens in your M, you don't want to be THAT woman.


BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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Thank you for your all your advice. As mentioned before, I admitted that I felt entitled to this affair and I was wrong to feel that way. I didn't want to contact the OM but I was afraid for his safety and figured to if someone else will contact him and I don't contact him directly then that was okay. Sorry, I don't know all the rules yet. However, I'm not going to apologize for warning someone. I would have done that with ANYBODY...even the two women (I hope there's just two) that I hate the most in this entire world that ruined my life!!! Now I heard that OM will fight back and will bring down my H. I don't want my H hurt AT ALL! I love my H despite what he had done to me. I know I've hurt him too but why can't they just talk it out? I know this is my fault and acknowledge that and I feel terrible for what I've done. Hence, I am worse than my H that's why I titled this topic! I knew most of the anatomy of the affairs yet I STILL DID IT. I can't talk to OM to just back off. I told my H that he will fight back. What a mess!

I admit that I'm still in the fog. I admit that I have not been thinking clearly. I am trying to wake up. I want to do right thing but it's not a switch that I can turn it on and off so easily. I want to get over the OM as soon as possible but it's only been two weeks!

The good news is that my H has calmed down a little bit since our second explosion. He is still badly hurt but I have been comforting him and been trying my best to give him what he needs. We actually talked about the reason behind both our affairs what what that OP have fed us and what we needed at that time the most. I am so proud of my H for staying with me this weekend and us being open with each other. I've agreed to change my cell phone number, give him all my passwords and agreed to sign an agreement of NC. He wants a lie detector test from me in a few months and I agreed to that as well. He does not want me to send a NC letter to OM. I am going to abide to all his requests within reason of course.

Please keep in mind that when I found about his affairs. He was not required to do any of that. He did offer to give me his password to his cell phone but I don't have access to his work phone, email email. He actually saw one of the affair#1 that week I found out about his affairs and didn't mention it to me that he talked to her and only found out when I saw their pictures on the internet! He even met with the affair#2 because she needed closure. Even today there's a trickle of information that I didn't know about. I'm sure there's more but I don't have the energy to focus on that right now.

I better get off this forum (for now( to give my husband my undivided attention. Thank you for all your advice.


Me: BS/FWW - 38
BH/FWH - 36
Married 13 years, together 17 years
Two boys: 9 & 12
OW#1 DDay: PA Nov 26, 2009 (July 2008-July 2009)
OW#2 DDay: PA Nov 29, 2009 (May 2009-Sept 2009)

Me: EA/PA (RA?) June 2010-Sept 2010
His DDay: Oct 2010
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 4,222
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Honestly, shut up already about OM. You should not have contacted him for any reason. He was never in any real danger, and even if he was, it wasn't your place to contact him. So stop trying to defend the indefensible. You are just going to pi$$ everyone off that would try and help you.


Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
Jim's Story
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Posts: 1,879
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Every time I see you write about OM I want to puke

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Originally Posted by jmwc95
You are just going to pi$$ everyone off that would try and help you.

I will still help Lost2010. It takes a great deal of courage to admit to the things she has said.



BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 76
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L2010NM Offline OP
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Hi Everyone! Wow! I didn't just get 2x4's but got 4x8's!!! I was really in a deep fog then and I must admit I still have a couple of patches here and there.

I hope you guys are willing to help me still. blush

I saw a text from H cell phone on Christmas day wishing him a 'Merry Christmas and hope he has a good day' to a phone number that wasn't saved in his contact list.

Knowing the other side of how this works. I called the number (land line) and it was a woman who answered the phone. I hanged up. The voice was a little older and sounded like a smoker (no offense). I texted a reply on my H phone wishing this person 'Merry Christmas and any plans?'. No reply from the other number. I did a reverse number just to get the city (for now) because the area code isn't from our area. The city is two hours away from where H would visit once or twice a month. I called the number again from his cell phone and she didn't answer but just a voicemail so I got her name. I called again on the land line and she didn't answer again. I finally asked my H if she knows somebody from this city and he said that he doesn't know anybody from that city. I asked if she knows somebody named 'x' and he said 'no'. I told him that someone texted you from that number. He said that he doesn't know anybody from that city and anybody with that name. He called the number himself to listen to the voicemail and he said he doesn't recognize the voice either. He said he doesn't mind me getting to the bottom of anything and being transparent but he was upset that I'm playing detective without him.

This could just be a wrong text sent to the wrong person but I am no longer a naive W who would accept H BS. Hope you guys can help on my next step from here.

Update since beginning of October:

We went home from our trip and H went crazy. Absolutely nutso!! He wrote OM name all over the walls of our house. Threatened to kick me out at 2am! Then the next day he was all calm and offered to drop me off at work but instead drove to OM workplace. I wanted to get out of the car but he wouldn't let me but finally got out. Wrote OM name's all over my car and dropped it off there. The police got involved but no one got hurt. H spoke with OM and to leave us alone to let us have a chance to restore our M even with his multiple affairs. And if he ever contacts me then there will be trouble.

H is just learning about MB but he executed a good exposure. Plus my H has the greatest ally of all-my mother. I am so sure my mom called OM and that sealed the deal. I realize how stupid I was to get involved with OM and although OM was a relief to my hurt from H affairs, he only complicated things. I am glad to be out of the fog.

I asked if he wants me to send a contact letter and he doesn't want to. He doesn't see the point but I have a new cell phone number(actually H has my old one). We have read HNHN and I'm currently reading SAA. We also watched the Basic Concepts DVD. We'll be reading Love
Busters together. My plan is to do a phone in with either Steve or Jennifer in the new year because I have a huge anger issues with what H has done to me...HUGE!!! I am past year one and I am still very angry at hIm at times. And we have gaps on our EP with his travels.

You know, I really wished that we started off my MB program FIRST than the last one. So much time, effort, money was flushed down the drain.

What do you think? H has been transparent but now this text. I will never let my guards down.


Me: BS/FWW - 38
BH/FWH - 36
Married 13 years, together 17 years
Two boys: 9 & 12
OW#1 DDay: PA Nov 26, 2009 (July 2008-July 2009)
OW#2 DDay: PA Nov 29, 2009 (May 2009-Sept 2009)

Me: EA/PA (RA?) June 2010-Sept 2010
His DDay: Oct 2010
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 76
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Found out who texted H during Christmas. It was his friend and his wife. He forwarded me the email which is good. But he was upset that I am doing 'detective' work on him and that we should have investigated together.

It's terrible having to always guess if he's at it again. A couple of nights ago during SF, H mentioned that I was tight (I guess OW were (I hope)/ are loose (pun intended)). He said that during his A's before and I'm suspicious again. I'll have to get a VAR and all the spying stuff.

I wasn't aware of the MB policies and never exposed H A's. My family knows but that's about it. OW2 ex-H was never told, but they were separated at during the A anyway (I know that for sure because we were friends with OWH). I think it's too late but I will definitely expose full nuclear to the whole world if he does it again.

Also, OW2 keeps on stalking me, I always see her atleast once a week and now goes to the hot yoga I go to. She has no shame, argh!!!!

We've been doing the 15-20 hours a week but I still don't have any feelings for him. When do I get these feelings back? I'm faking it until I make it. I prayed not to love him during both A's (and I didn't even know that he was in A's at that time) and my prayers have been answered. Maybe it's because my top emotional needs is 'conversation' and he sucks at it. We were eating breakfast the other day and he was admiring the chair instead of paying attention to me or talking to me! Or it could be that I don't ever want to get hurt and be vulnerable again that I've created wall to protect myself. I don't want to live the rest of my life in this marriage without feelings for my H. How do I love my H back? How long do I have to wait to get that feelings back? Maybe I'm just one of the few that can't get over it.

I still have feelings for OM, could it be that? Maybe I'm still in withdrawal but it's been months already. I guess I don't get over anything quickly.

Hope cupid will struck me tonight.



Me: BS/FWW - 38
BH/FWH - 36
Married 13 years, together 17 years
Two boys: 9 & 12
OW#1 DDay: PA Nov 26, 2009 (July 2008-July 2009)
OW#2 DDay: PA Nov 29, 2009 (May 2009-Sept 2009)

Me: EA/PA (RA?) June 2010-Sept 2010
His DDay: Oct 2010
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