I guess it�s time to start my own �after divorce� thread, so here goes.

The (not-so) brief synopsis is that in about May of 09 wife became wayward with the next door neighbor. As things developed into a full-blown EA by July 4th (d-day: �I don�t know if I�m in love with him�), I started to wake up. ILYBNILWY happened in there somewhere, just can�t remember when. To this day I simply don�t know if it was ever physical, she never admitted to it.

I found MB after a couple months of worthless (and probably destructive) MCing. Started a thread in September and was encouraged to expose. In October of last year after WW returned from a trip to her mother�s and tearfully explained �we just weren�t meant for each other� (phone contact was still recurring with OM#1). Exposure ended the EA for the most part, but wayward continued to be wayward and simply transferred her affections to the across the street neighbor (OM#2), a long time friend - recently divorced. By December she was having coffee with him daily, going shopping, and got upset when I suggested that going tanning with him on Christmas Eve (traditionally family day) was not acceptable.

After exposure I was advised by folks on the SAA board to self-expose regarding a series of EA�s and brief (ONS and one 2-week affair) PA�s I had back in 2000-2001. This period of adultery on my part followed a PA on her part which resulted in my OC/DD9. She�s the light and the treasure of my life.

While things were getting more entrenched with OM#2 I had also found evidence of her seeking out (aided by a friend) another OM in the meantime and caught them together at a bar on Nov 22, he was a month away from his divorce being final.

In January WW and DS13 took a two week once-in-a-lifetime trip to Antarctica funded by my Father-in-law. FIL�s pictures revealed WW with yet another OM, all googly eyed and embracing. Email to him after we eventually filed in February read �My divorce will be final in a couple of months.�

Final straw was Jan 22 when I came home early from work (too upset about recently discovered continued contact with OM#1) and found her to be in OM#2�s home, �having coffee.� That�s the day I bought a ticket for the D train.

Mediation was as amicable as possible. Division of assets was more than fair from my end. I stayed in the home, bought her equity, and kept most of the good stuff. Custody is 3 days one week, 4 days the next - 50/50 joint legal and physical. WW just wanted a quick exit and a fantasy D. She got the quick exit, she�s not getting the fantasy D.

Court date was June 18, the divorce was final 90 days later on Sept 16.

I believe recovery has been expedited by lots of introspection and posting here, and getting feedback, following advice (most) from folks with more & different perspective. I�ve read �Boundaries� and attributed a lot of my life�s mix-ups to lack of them. That is my focus now, developing strong and safe boundaries. My focus is also my kids and trying to minimize the damage from the disaster of divorce. I�ve busied myself with projects in my home to make it more my own. I�ve become more active in the church and for the first time since HS attend mass regularly. I quit drinking 10 months ago by personal choice.

I resisted the temptation to date following the court date (in my mind a moment of finality) based on advice received here - and I am glad I followed that advice. After the finality date I asked out a couple of women but it wasn�t in the cards...probably for the best.

I look forward to engaging in active discussions about post-divorce life, dating, or not dating, dealing with loneliness and the inevitable �what-if�s,� and �if-only�s,� and other pitfalls of being a forty-something divorced father of two.

~Optimism

Hi opt, I guess this is my official welcome, even though I've followed your story for quite a while. The one thought that occurred to me while reading your story was, "Divorce is never easy, never perfunctory." Even if it moves without difficulty, there is always some reverberation, or ripple affect. Always.

I'm sorry for you. Now is the time, like the rest of us, to put your life in order. It can be done. It MUST be done, if we are going to move ahead and not stay trapped in our own mental prison.

Sigh.

Thanks Fred for your input.
What I hear you and others saying (in other threads as responses to some of my posts), is to look at being single as an opportunity, and not so much as an affliction (lol).

I certainly will try.

Strangely, the urge to date has waned, I suppose for a number of reasons, but largely from reading posts from good folks like you and others. I'm starting to see that 15 years of being married can only be counter balanced with a reasonable amount of time to...at the very least get the past in the rearview mirror and gain a more whole perspective on what's in front of me. I suppose I'll have more to share with someone, even on a casual basis, once I have gained some experiences with "me", and not "us." The "me" that is no longer half of one entity.

I WANT to move ahead, and not stay trapped in my mental/emotional prison. The knowledge I didn't have before (the lack of which lead to a failed relationship), I'm now starting to become familiar with. I believe in the concepts learned here, especially as they apply to marriage.

My question leading up to this point, and one I hope to grasp soon now that I'm really divorced, is how do I apply those same "marriage" concepts to my life as a single person, and as a single father?

~Optimism

Hey, opt. I don't know if this applies, but I offer it as food for thought.

I heard once in A.A. that it takes about a month of sobriety for every year of drinking to "recover." For me, I speculate that a similar "formula" exists. At least, without actually counting the days, weeks and months, I'm finding that it's safe for me to not get too anxious about dating.

You know from reading my posts that I too, am tempted. Part of me wants to test the waters, and another says I need to be cautious. The lady who I have been attracted to almost seems "safe," in that she's not overly outgoing (and I've seen no sign that she's seeing anyone) and might be suitable for "baby steps" in the scary world of adult dating...

Hey Opt, good to see you're still around.

This board is for post-D "dating and relationships", so I'm not quite ready to move from the other divorce board.

I'm still finding my way as a "single forty-something year old father of two", so I don't have a lot of advice or experience to offer.

I didn't join and it would take a minor miracle for me to ever consider internet dating, but I did browse one of the sites just to get a taste of what was out there. Guess who popped up on the first page? That's right, WxW. I guess she doesn't see the same wisdom of taking time to gain perspective or heal before diving in again.

I also noticed a lot of women list their current status as "separated". Really? They are publicly trolling for men while still legally married? There are men who would consider dating these women? Strange times we live in.

Keep us updated, maybe I'll freshen up my thread.

Wow, I guess I'm old fashioned. I figure if someone would cheat on someone else they'd sure cheat on me. So not interested in that game!
Maybe I don't belong on here either cuz I'm not dating either...since Jim broke up with me my biggest relationship is with my dog...my best relationship too!

{{{{Opt}}}

Boy, you sure do get around!!!!!......

Oh, and you get NEGATIVE points for the lack of creativity on the thread title.......

All kidding aside.......I promised I wouldn't comment any more on dating, though you know all I really wanted for YOU was to heal and learn. And I am very proud of you for doing that!!!!

I don't have much advice in the dating department though.....haven't done since I was a youngin'...... But I know you'll make wise decisions and even if you don't....well, think of them as learning blocks!!!!!

Live well my friend.....YOU deserve it!!!!!!


Not

Hey Sh2p! I know, I know. What can I say, I thought I was ready, lol. Now it's been almost two weeks of being single and let's just say when I stuck my toe in the water it was a lot colder and deeper than I thought it was going to be. More and more I'm deciding to wander around Solitary Island for a while and psych myself up for jumping in eventually.

I did the same thing as you. I joined catholic match a week before D was final to satisfy my curiosity, and get a profile started. Somehow they figured out D was not final yet and booted me off the site. The 12 hours I was a member didn't do much for me. I guess right now, that's just not my thang.

Frankly, I'm discovering I probably wouldn't be much for a date at this juncture. I hardly know how to talk to a woman, I was really never one to flirt or develop any interest in a woman since I was married (except for a period of being wayward, and that was altogether different); so... a little out of practice. I tried to flirt with the deli counter girl last week and as I was walking away, trying to hold her gaze for an extra second I smacked right into a guy who had moved up to my left side to place an order, lol. Smooth.

I understand and agree with you here. I also think there is a ton of ignorance out there. People just don't realize how devastating adultery is. Personally, I've redefined my view of marriage. I was ignorant. Probably why I didn't see the red flags in my ex's behavior; Probably why my marriage was so....unfulfilling for both of us.
Now I know what's right. Now I know how far I have to go. I may be in the extreme minority, but clarity comes with a price I'm willing to pay.

Hope all's well schtoop.

Opt

Hey Not! ((((Not))))

Hey, just cycling through the boards here, lol.

I always have the utmost respect for your opinion, even if I want to bop you for it! Happy to hear what you have to say. You've been with me here for a long time, so I really appreciate your encouragement. I have a long way to go, but life is a journey.

I'm glad you and others have cautioned me against rushing into dating, even casually (if there is such a thing). I am starting to embrace the freedom of being single. I'm also recognizing how that freedom would be encroached upon even with the most unserious of 'relationships.' And I'm also realizing that, sadly, I have not ever really been single. For no extended period in my life even in college would I consider myself to have been "on my own." I think that tells me something...

Finally finished the Boundaries Book. My Mother had taken a class and had a work book with no writing in it, so I may do a little home-study on it. Can't hurt. What little I've managed to understand about the concepts so far has been very powerful in my life already.

Always nice to have you checking in Not2. I hope you came out okay with your daughter and her little dating game.

Not sure what I "deserve" as I take full responsibility for the state of my situation at this point in time. However, what good positive things come my way, I will gladly accept.

Later 'gater,
opt

\That's riiiiiiiiiiiight.
Of course you do, silly.

Then again, I suppose we could ask to start our own board called "After Divorce: NOT dating"

If I raced you to join, who do you think would be first?

LOL, I don't know Fred, you're the runner.

These days, opt, I run at the speed of walk.

LoL, well, in that case Fred, it would probably be a tie.

**edit**

Well, I'm meeting a woman for coffee tomorrow afternoon. Not a 'date.' We're going to "meet up" and "catch up." Maybe that's what the kids are calling it these days. Someone I used to talk to frequently on the phone for business. Only met her once in person. I was encouraged (back in April) by another colleague that she always thought I was nice. Finally I called her and it's been texting ever since (I guess that's how it works nowadays). I have my boundaries all accounted for. I know what I'm ready for and what I'm not ready for. Looking forward to a nice time and some fun conversation.

Opt

"meet up" postponed. Oh well.

Sorry to hear that Opt. Any update? Hope you guys rescheduled the meeting.

Hey milkshake, thanks for checking in. That particular woman is very busy trying to find a new job I guess; she's cancelled a few times and...well, whatever, I guess this is the dating world.

I haven't been on here much, but I checked your sitch. You're getting good advice here.

I am actually going to dinner tonight with woman who my friend has been trying to set me up with for some time. I spoke with her on the phone a couple times this week and she sounds cool. I'm trusting my friend to some extent and let's face it it's just a date. It's not like we're buying real-estate together or something. I have no idea what she looks like or hardly anything about her; so I'm looking forward to just asking some questions and basking in the presence of a female for a little while.

I exercised some poor judgement and got involved with one of those internet dating things. Got to talking to a woman with the texting and emails (standard faire these days I guess). She sounded nice. Then I just found out she's "separated." Two months single, never met the woman, and now I have to figure out how to break up with her, LOL. (ohhh, the drama)

Opt

Dinner tonight! Yay for you. Hope you two have a nice time together.