Ahhhhh

Why does he have to be such an idiot. This is not the man I married.

He had to go in to the office today. He calls me about 15 min after he left and said there was a problem but that he was going to go out and do something because he didn't want to be at the house, of course.

So I call him an hour or so later. I had something to ask him and I figured if I heard background noise I know hes somewhere public and don't really give a flip if she's there. No answer so I go to her house for a drive by he's there of course I get a picture. Sometime while driving he texted me to find out what I wanted when I called. I answered and we texted back and forth and I asked what he was doing and was going to ask if he wanted dinner. He answered drinking a beer but not where of course and I didn't ask. He said he wasn't going to work and he'd be home soon. I just replied I'd start making something for dinner. So here I am sitting at home doing his laundry for him and cooking his dinner while he's off with OW. I'm hoping to catch him in a lie so I can document that he lied to me.

He has to go out of town tomorrow and he hasn't seen her since wed night since we had friends in town. So he probably was taking his opportunity to see her before he left.

K I just needed to get that off my chest so I didn't blow up at him when he got home.

Plan A. No expectations. I need to keep reminding myself.

Not only do you need to keep calm and cool right now, you need to get your ducks lined up for Plan B. I know how hard it is to pull off a spectacular Plan A while you KNOW that your WS is with OP. It KILLS.

I am sorry, I haven't read all of your thread, I am assuming that you have exposed to everyone already right? Have you figured out what the top ENs are of your WH. You need to know what the top 2-3 are so you can meet those, meeting the lower ones would be ineffective without meeting the higher ones first.

What you need to remember about being in Plan A is that you are doing things to become the spouse you have always wanted to be. You are focusing on meeting needs of your spouse, but also being the best you that is possible.

What "no expectations" means in Plan A, is that the things that you do don't hang on the things your wayward does. You do things because it is what YOU would do being a great spouse.

So what do you think his top 2 ENs are? What do you do to meet those? What LBs have you been guilty of committing in the past and how have you tried to not commit those again? It takes a lot of work, but it is so worth it.

Yes I exposed. And he is very unhappy about it.

I never had hard evidence so he is still keeping up his just friends cover. And Whether it is a PA or not it doesn't matter He's crossed a line and he put her before me. He's very un willing to do anything to make it work. I've tried.

I think his top EN are 1. SF and probably would put domestic support but maybe admiration too. I have tried to meet his needs as best I can right now. He seems like he doesn't want me to be trying sometimes but I know deep down he's glad. For instance he will make note that he needs so and so washed for whatever and I will say I'll go start a load of laundry then. He'll saying something like no don't worry about it I will do it. One time I was in the middle of something else when this happened. I expected him to go start a load of wash. He didn't and I ended up doing it later. I know he doesn't want to do laundry or anything.

As far as LBs I have tried to not be angry. He's noticed it too. He has asked why I am being so calm. He said one time this isn't you this isn't how you are. I trod to explain to him that I was trying to stay calm and not get angry.

I feel like the one I am having a hard time with is judgment. I know that this is a big one for him. I am trying to not be judgmental.

Just do plan A as long as you can, and once you get to the point where you can't handle it anymore then that is when you go to plan B.

I suggest you start preparing yourself for it.

Of course he is pissed. You turned over a rock and exposed his affair. He knows that he isn't doing the right thing or he would of told everybody already.

The old timers can explain Exposure better than I can, but my take on it is that it does two things. The first thing that it does is tell the WS that there is a boundary that WS has crossed and you won't tolerate it. The second thing your telling WS, is that you will do anything to protect your marriage.

For myself whenever I hear this FogBabble, I say "I love you. I'm protecting our relationship. I Love you." You might want to give that mantra a try. BTW, after saying above several times it stopped the babble. Instead I got new babble. "How that protecting working out." So I responded with silence.

I think that this does two things. It doesn't feed their anger and it focuses them to thinking about the US part. What you're doing is deflecting there thought to where they need to be, on what your doing to save your marriage. That is what the Plan A is all about.


You need to catch yourself before this happens. Remember Plan A is for your Giver to be forefront for all your time you spend with your WS. Your Taker needs to be here talking about your needs. Vent here. Not at your WS. Don't talk to him about why you stomped off. Little white lie never hurt. You're fighting for your marriage. If you let your Taker be in charge, all it will do is stomp off.

Yes I was not in control. I have done a pretty good job of controlling my taker most of the time but not the other day. I did get it back together though after that. We will see what happens when he gets back.

I talked with wife of who he is taking his bus trip with this week last night. She said her husband is pissed when he found out he was over at OWs house the night before they were leaving. Hopefully he finds a way to bring it up and tell him what an idiot he is being.

He tried to tell me how we will never be able to hang out with all the people I exposed to agian. Which is just stupid fog babble. The people I have talked to care about both of us and want to see our marriage succeed. He is just embarrassed by what he is doing I think.

Oh and he told me I need to stop calling his best friend. Apparently his best friend said something to him about not wanting to be involved in our problems. So whatever.

I just don't understand. He has to know what he is doing is wrong.

I guess I need to start thinking about Plan B...

Yes, you do. Start Planning your Plan B. It will help give you focus. It will help to know where your finish line is.

You can do this, hon. Just a little longer.

Yes. I can do this. I think this weekend was good for me. Other than my one little mistake. I made dinner for the 6 men staying in my house (WH included) It felt good for others to actually be appreciative since WH isn't. Since he will be gone I plan to do some pampering of myself. I am going to get back on my workout schedule which I have let slide the past few weeks. Also I found a bottle of wine while I was looking for something this weekend. I think I will open that up tonight and take a nice bubble bath and just relax. Then I will get started on Plan B planning. I need to come up with some more ideas for a really good Plan A too. I want to do this right and the best I possibly can.

good! Part of Plan A is to take care of yourself as much as possible, precisely because it is so draining.

There is a good thread by schoolbus on body language. I'll see if I can bump it for you.

Thanks for that. I think I unintentionally do alot of that stuff too.

I was thinking maybe I should send him a picture of myself. Sine he is going to be gone. It's not something I have done in the past Really. A few times when he's been out of town maybe. But just a thinking of you and sexy photo of me.

Don't know if he would think that was manipulative or not.

Does he pack a suitcase? Is there a way you can put the photo of you IN the suitcase? Maybe sprayed with your perfume. Maybe write a little note on the back.

It isn't manipulative for you to be a loving wife.

You're trying to show him that you are capable of meeting his needs.

If he feels manipulated, it's because of the guilt at treating his wife this way while having a girlfriend.

He already has his suitcase. It's in his car. This would hVe been good to think of before he left I guess. Will it be ok to email it later tonight? I might have to wait till I know he's in the hotel.

I was thinking of trying to leave a note on his car too but he will be leaving pretty soon so that might not work.

I need to take the picture and I dont think taking the picture at work would be very appropriate so when I get home and get my bath and wine going I'll take the picture and send it.

Sure thing! Sounds like a good idea.

I am so excited I can't wait to do this. I just hope it is received well.

None of that.

You do this as an opportunity to show your love for him. Success is measured by sending the message, not in his reception of it.

THIS is what no expectations means.

You're sending this because you love him, NOT to get him to come back to you and NOT to get him to change. In the end that is your goal, but THIS isn't going to do that.

Send it.

Do it for you.

As an expression of your love.

Do it so he knows that you're willing to care for him.

Don't do it expecting him to 'receive it well'.

Because he probably won't.

That's ok.

Do it anyways.

Ok. Thanks for setting me straight. I keep forgetting that part. I am still excited to do it though!!!

Just remember, you're doing this because it's right, not to change his mind. Say that again and again.

Have at it lady!

How about: I'm doing this because I love him and I don't expect ANYTHING in return. This is the wife I want to be.

Well... In Plan A - you can't expect anything in return, because he is wayward.

For your future, in this relationship when it is recovered, or any others that may occur, you meet needs because it is the right thing to do and you want to show love, but your needs must also be met for the same reason.

Plan A with no expectations isn't a way of life. It is abusive to you. That is why you are struggling so much. You can only do it for a few weeks, TOPS before you emotionally wear down.

Hence, the need for Plan B.

When recovery begins, then you will have needs you HAVE to have met for the health of the marriage.

So the wife you want to be: One who meets the needs of her spouse out of love and a desire to care, and one who gets her needs met because she is loved for and cared for.