It has been a very long time since I posted here. I am doing much better, but I still have some really hard days. My XWH has moved OW into his apartment, so my kids have to spend each weekend with her. I let him know that I will not pick up or drop off at his house now, that I was willing to meet close to his house or midway. He refused and now does all the pick-ups at my house. Yesterday, though, he was driving her car. I let him know that wasn't ok to bring her car to my house (his works fine). He responded that he uses hers more since its bigger and he has to transport kids. I just don't get it! Is it unreasonable that that would bother me? When will I just not care what he does?

BF, are you divorced? From the sound of it, what you are doing is what is known as "renting space in your head" to XWH. As long as you do that, you allow him to control your feelings -- and he probably doesn't even know it (or care).

So, you're doing this to yourself. Stop it!

Yes, you have to interact with him. But for all intents and purposes, he has become a stranger -- just another wonk you wind up dealing with. The sooner you adopt an attitude that reflects this, the sooner you will actually enter recovery and begin being the person you were meant to be!

Welcome back, sorry you're having trouble with your situation.
Fred's right. [I start a lot of posts that way.] Moving on is the only way.

However, I have a similar perspective in that you and I both have kids with our ex and must deal with them on some level every week, or in some cases daily. Quite frankly, it sucks and it's really hard to deal with. It would be so much better if the ex and their dirty little OP would just disappear. And this is from someone who has very limited experience with what you're going through - my xWW is not spending a lot of time with any of her AP's, and minimal of that is with the kids around. I can't imagine your pain.

From reading threads by people in similar circumstances as yourself, and who are much farther out than me (my D was only final 3 weeks ago); I don't know that you really ever "just don't care" what they do? Except maybe once the kids are full adults and you've moved on to another relationship; but even then there are grand kids to share and everything else.

Does it help to remind yourself that their slimy little relationship is destined for failure? That it is based on untruths and secrecy, rather than honesty and mutual respect? You realize that even though they give the appearance of everything being hunky dory (and they will make sure to portray that to the world), there are inherent cracks in that mold from the onset. --Just an idea.

As for him picking them up in her car. I think you'll do well to recognize the things he is trying to do to respect your wishes - he's not bringing her with him (evidently) and he's agreed to pick them up, so you don't have to see the house or chance getting a glimpse of the OW. You don't have to like the car. Did you tell him you think it's an ugly car? (might make you feel better...)

I feel for you. My sitch would definitely be on a whole different level if any of xWW's OMs moved in with her, or even if I knew they were riding in his car. {shudder}

What have you told the kids about their relationship? Or about people living together before they're married (sinful and also a very poor strategy for a LTR to last)? Do they understand the relationship is, was, and always will be an adulterous affair and will never be legitimate, no matter how much they say they "love" each other? Just curious about that.

I hope someone has some better advice for you because I feel I've not done much to help you.

Optimism

Yes, I'm divorced. You have a really good point- I give him so much control over my life and my emotions. I have been trying to heal on my own and I think I just need to ask for help and check some of these thoughts out.
Thank you!

It is hard, but I know he has made adjustments at my request. It's just a car. I hate far more that my kids have to spend time with her, so the car isn't an issue except it forces me to face my reality. I think that I need as much distance as I can reasonably have from him and focus on me. Easier said than done...

bf!!! So glad to see you again!

I'm very sorry to hear your WH still hasn't pulled his head out, and that you had to go through a D, although I remember that's where it was headed last time we "talked."

Sorrier still that you are struggling with your kids being exposed to OW and all that goes with it.

Is it possible to have the kids watch for him out the window while YOU are in another room? So you don't have the visual? Small thing, but might help a bit.

Do you have contact with him apart from when he picks up/delivers the kids? Obviously better to avoid that altogether, if possible.

Fred and opt are right, of course. The "renting space in your head" thing...YOU are the landlord, and you can evict him. Hard when you have to SEE him, though...

And that their slimy (good word, opt!) "relationship" is doomed...just a matter of time, but I get that you are beyond taking him back anyway. Do I remember that correctly? So much the worse for him when this slimy thing crashes. I've had SO many friends over the years, devastated by their H's A's and the ensuing divorces, who had zero interest in the XH's sniveling attempts to return a couple of years after the fact, when the fantasy bubble shattered. Consequences.

Wondering, how has all his nonsense gone down with his family... friends? And more importantly, how are your kids faring?

Hoping you can manage this trigger. And for an update on what else is going on for you.

((((bf))))

BF, it is quite common for WS/XWS to do things to provoke a reaction out of the BS. He would love for you to get upset, cry, cuss him out, get angry or whatever. That way, he can complain to everyone about how crazy and unstable you are and he's just a poor little victim of your craziness and the breakdown of your marriage had *nothing* to do with his wonderful OW . . .

This is very, very common. Watch for it. It's no accident and no coincidence that he does stuff like drive her car to your house to pick up the kids. It's meant to provoke you. There will be more of the same.

Thanks, RHW and Mulan! I feel such a different person today! I'm used to the up and down, but today I feel a little peace, too. The time leading up to the divorce and after, I really pulled away from here and from other supports, but I think that just allowed me to continue to use xWH as a barometer of what is healthy and normal, without trusting my own feelings and values! That makes is so much easier for me to stay focused on his life, not mine.
I have a wonderful life without him - I redid my house, I took the initiative to change my job within my school to what I REALLY wanted to do (and its fabulous), I spend lots of time with my kids and I have two pugs now! I am working on having more, healthy friends, but I just miss being in a relationship. Not dealing with that feeling can make me look to what was and romantize it, but if I am total truthful, I love my life right now.
The roller coaster continues and I think I need to remember that even though my xWH had an affair doesn't mean I need to stay on his ride.

Thanks for the update, bf. Your life does sound good, and I'm happy for that. (TWO pugs! ) Glad you've bounced back, and feel peace today.

Those down times seem to be par for the course, whether they come post-divorce or during recovery. Been there myself. But they don't pack the wallop they did during those dark, early days, do they?

You always had such a good hold on your selfhood...I remember being impressed by that when you were going through the worst of it. It will continue to be your guide and your strength.

Warm wishes for what lies ahead.

Bestfriend439,
I read your last post and had to smile. Our situations are a bit different in that my D has no R w/my XH who adopted her after we married. I never have to see him again if I choose not to and will finally do that soon I pray.
I say had to smile because you posted how I feel as well. I'm pretty happy w/my life but do miss being in a R. I think it helps to see your own issues in someone else's life b/c it makes you understand that what you are going through is common and that you aren't alone in that respect.
Funny that you said distance in essence whitewashes all the junk. It really does. The old adage "absence makes the heart grow fonder" applies. Sadly, it is just whitewash though.
I have to keep reminding myself of the fact that I don't want to be in a R w/someone who would cheat on me... period. There's really no excuse for that.
You're young (although you may not always feel like it) and have lots of happy years ahead of you.
I'm not one to really give much advice, mainly b/c I can't seem to take it, but do take this one piece of advice from someone who has wasted precious years looking back....
... move on with your life. I was 38 when I married my XH. I have wasted 14 years of my life on a man that loved me so much he was unfaithful multiple times and was such a good liar I never know when to believe what he's saying. Yet, I still remain attached and still allow him control. Don't you do that. Life is too short and too fleeting.

Do your kids know that the OW had an affair with their dad?

How are they with this?

If they don't know what happened they need to.

Yes, they know. They are distant with her and tolerate her. He blames me for that.

Posting this last thread has been very helpful. I rarely break-down any more, but I was still 'renting' space in my head to WXH. He has wanted to maintain a friendship with me and be with OW and has expressed that it is my failng for not accepting that.
I have had an email exchange with him today re: pick up and drop off. I have told him I will not come to his house since it is now her house. I have offered to meet close to his house, but he refuses the idea of a 'neutral location,' because he thinks it makes him look like an abuser?

Anyway, I have been firm on this. I also did a lot of reflection over the past few weeks about the car issue. Its not about the car, its about how he wants to do whatever, including meet with me to talk about the kids, etc, and I want to do it, but its not healthy for me at all! I needed to just distance myself from him further. Keeping him too close to me just hurts me and I choose not to suffer because of his choices.
So, he's not to come into my house; I rarely talk to him; we communicate via email re: the kids or schedule. Its been like that for a couple of weeks and he is pissed, but I feel better!
I know that's what MB has always encouraged, but I thought I could handle more contact with him, plus it fed my need to see him, etc. I don't need to, nor do I want to and that's huge for me. I hope this trend continues!!

Oh, no he doesn't. No way should this ever be allowed. He's trying to have in divorce what he wanted to have in marriage: Both you AND his OW.

No wonder you are suffering.

Please read the MB thread below:

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2279757&page=1

"Plan B - it ain't just for married folks anymore."

I'm aware of that, but I tend to discount that knowledge and get caught up in his logic. Also, because what I thought we had, I jump right in there.
I think I am getting what he is right now (the car thing just sort of drove it home for me), and there is no point to have him in my life.

Reading that thread was so helpful! I have been guilty of inviting him over for bdays, first day of school and most recently, picture time for DD14's homecoming dance. I would just spiral down for days afterwards.

In the emails today, he alluded to things I do that he doesn't think are appropriate, but he never let's on to the kids out of respect to me. I asked what I could do differently, very respectfully, and he would not say. He ended it with that he would share if I met with him, but not otherwise? Doesn't make sense to me...

I would strongly advise against meeting him, but also inviting his commentaries about you in general. It sounds very manipulative to not communicate something unless he has access to you. But on a larger spectrum, his comments (via email) should be regarding specifics about the kids. He lost the priviledge of communicating an opinion about you the moment the marriage unofficially ended. Unfortunately, the same can be said about you commenting on him to a degree. Although trust me I understand. Just keep communication about the kids.

Love how they make the fact that the wife doesn't want to roll the other woman into her life and kids lives out to be a personality flaw on her part. Waywards must all be reading the same book!

Geez, its been a hard week! I think it is just the holidays, but I have really struggled with feelings of loss this week. I miss my in-laws, I hate planning for Christmas with my exwh (re: the kids) and I even miss him.
He told me a couple of weeks ago that he and OW are engaged and plan to be married 8/2011. He wanted to meet with me and I just said no, I had plans, just tell me what he needed to tell me via text. He did. I didn't really respond, just said, OK. Its been a little hard since then, but I was really proud of myself for not responding to him. He sent me texts throughout the day, asking if I was ok; offering to talk -- it just sort of struck me as sick after awhile. What makes him think he can be a support to me? I just don't get it.
I am also catching myself beating myself up because I am not dating -- I don't even want to, but its just hard to be alone sometimes. How do people get out of one relationship and immediately go into another? I don't seem to be able to do it. Bah, humbug. i think this holiday will be hard because last year we were still married, although separated.

He needs you. You still meet needs of his.
He wants to talk to you, he wants to interact with you.


You either need to go all out and win him back. You could become the "OW"...meet with him. Go all out Plan A. Just like back when you were dating. Do you want him back?

If you don't, cut him loose 100% and let the affair fail because you are out of the triangle. Give yourself some peace.

Perhaps the worst advice ever... He's marrying someone else regardless of whether she's the OW. Sounds like a terrible idea guaranteed to wreck havoc on just about everyone involved including the OP. The latter advice sounds a bit more sound... lol

Travis

I ageree that I its not a good idea, especially for me, that's why I cut back even further on my contact with him. He lives with another woman and is engaged. That is his partner now. If he truly has a healthy relationship with her, there are no secrets, but I'm guessing he keeps his conversations and texts with me private.
I could create havoc in their relationship by spending more time with him, but again, it would only hurt me more. I'm better off limiting my contact with him to issues with our kids.

The holiday was ok, just a little exhausting to host on my own.