I will do that!

And I want to show you this from Dr Harley:

I've read that before. H is not remorseful at all at this point, that's for sure!

It saddens me that he texted our kids and said, "It is not going to work out between your mom and I"

Thats right! Because he is in an affair. So your job is to kill the affair. Once you kill this affair he will be singing a different tune. As soon as her husband and family finds out, I predict she will dump your H like a hot potato. She won't leave her H for your H and you will back her into a corner.

Well, being that they are in 2 different states I don't see how they are going to "be together". It's just ridiculous.

Honestly: with him, I don't know that ending the affair is going to make him turn towards the marriage. I say that knowing if there is any chance at all the affair HAS to end first! He claimed he wanted out before any evidence of the affair. I DO believe him on that. (That the affair started after his initial wanting out.) He's just a really screwed up individual...

SunnyD, don't buy your husband's line that your problems predated the affair. I know you do right now, but it's probably false.

My wife spun her affair as the two-week escalation after the two of us met OM in person. I had seen a PROFOUND effect on our marriage SEVEN MONTHS EARLIER and had confronted her about it.

He was either involved with this woman or "shopping" with other women and subjecting you -- unknowingly -- to Contrast Effect weeks, months, or years before he finally said something to you. Don't buy his timeline. The effect of his wayward attitude was having an impact on your marriage long before he ever addressed it with you, and by that time, Contrast Effect was almost certainly in full swing. He was comparing you to other women, and because his images were based on a fantasy of what those women were like, you suffered in consequence.

Remember, too, that it typically takes 3 weeks after D-Day for a couple to decide whether to divorce or make up. Ignore anything he has to say about what he wants for at least the next three weeks. He wants her, then he'll want you, and this period of vacillation is extremely painful.

Your best bet right now is a stellar "Plan A". Meet his emotional needs. Avoid all Love Busters. Avoid "relationship talk". Show him you're all the wife he needs. But plan to keep Plan A short -- a month or three at most -- and then go to a very dark Plan B to force his other woman (or women) to meet his needs.

Due to the trickle-truth you've received so far, I think his admissions of a PA are just the tip of the iceberg. You have a lot more dirt left to dig up before you hit the full truth.

Doormat: I've been doing Plan A (unwittingly) for 4-5 months now! Given that H has chosen to leave, I have to assume I can't meet his needs any longer and that it's time for Plan B - wouldn't you say???

I agree this is very possibly the tip of the iceburg.

VERY good point about even if the affair didn't predate his original blow up that he was shopping, comparing, etc... I hadn't looked at it this way but that certainly makes a lot of sense.

Doormat, thank you for bringing up the shopping-comparing attitude of a wayward. I think this fits perfectly with what my WH has been doing for years and which culminated in his A.
I believe a wayward always looks for someone better than their spouse. Even Dr. Harley commented on a radio show that if the spouse mentality is "I will be with you til something better comes along" we can pretty much predict the M is not going to work..
blessing

Sunny I just wanted to comment on this, and say he is LIEING!! I said the exact same thing my words to my husband...

"I wasn't happy in the marriage, before I even met OM"
"I wanted a D before I met OM"
"All this started WAY BEFORE I met the OM"

Everything he is saying is...

BULL

P.S when wheels exposed my affair it killed it dead! And I came back wanting my LIFE back!

I'm beginning the exposure process now.

Thanks for the input Atena and Sapphire!

Then why didn't he leave?

that's right...and they only leave when they have a warn nest waiting for them.
A man especially will never leave his wife and children unless there is a wh@re waiting for him and promising him happiness.
blessing

Yep - true.

H texted me. I called him back after 30 min. He is pissed that I told the kids the truth. My youngest sent him a nasty text msg. I don't even care to hear all his BS.

Still no luck on OW H's info. Grrrrr.....

I don't plan on texting him back anymore. I did feel the need to stand up for myself and I did that...calmly. I told him his kids deserve the truth rather than more lies and to blame themselves.

I sent facebook msgs starting with people from her list - and then going from those people to their friends - with the same last name as her H. I am hoping that at some point I hear back from soneone but nothing yet. I figured that was the best place to start in terms of trying to get in touch with him.

Here's the thing: lots of people with his last name but still no him! Hmmm.... It does make me wonder. However, on the phone earlier I slipped in a "OW H and kids..." and H didn't say a word. Did not say she's not married.

Hi - I just wanted to chime on the FB belief that all the old HS friends would support thier relationship.

I am on FB and many HS friends of mine are also, and if I found out someone was having an A, I would not support them, and I know I am not the only one who feels this way!

There are lots of decent people out there and some of them had to have gone to your H's HS!!

Hang in there and keep exposing!

Your right, DaS.

Your right, DaS.

Good point!

Sunny,

It is unlikely your husband has your bedroom bugged. He'd either have to remain near the house to listen to all conversations in real time (by radio bugging device) or come into the house and retrive any standby device to recover the audio RECORDING (like a Voice Activated Recorder). I'm sure more sophisticated devices/technology exist but find it unlikely a WH would go to such extremes.

Thus...IMO...first rule out the EASIEST ways for WH to snoop you:

1. Look for a cell phone left behind that is ON and connected. He may have called his secret cell phone from his regular cell phone and merely left it ON and plugged in sitting on the dresser, or, he could have downloaded a spying application onto YOUR cell phone so check that out as well.

2. Most likely, he's keylogged you and has access to here and any [retracted] other forum...even if you are in a private area...if he has your password he can simply log in as you late at night and still read it. It's possible the admin over there MAY be able to tell if someone else is logging in under your login name from a different IP address but I don't know the capabilities of their system.

a. If this is the case...you can run your spyware application and do a scan. Most likely when he installed it he'd have run a scan himself and then "accepted" the program as OK. Thus...within your spyware program you'll have to root around within the program to see if there are any programs which have been "approved" or on an "approved application" list of some kind.

b. Since he's doing this remotely...most likely the keylogger is set up to send out "packets" of information to a outside email address.

c. Also check the wires running back and forth from the computer (especially the one to the router). Some keyloggers are actually hardware that is connected to the wiring...with one wire IN and then a wire OUT continuing on to the router. This hardware device is keylogging you and using it's own software to compile the information going over the network and forwarding it to him somehow. SOMEHOW...whatever he is using to spy on you has to be connected to the internet somewhere. If it's wireless...unplug the wireless router and just plug your computer in directly....sure the house won't have wireless anymore but whatever's hidden won't be able to tranmit packettes of info to him anymore.

d. It IS possible (though more difficult) to set this up anywhere on the internet cable system set up in your house supplying it with internet access. Most likely it's at the router somehow but this could even be attached OUTSIDE the house at the point the cable (if you have cable provided internet) or phone line (if you have DSL) enters the home.

c. This keylogger is most likely located on YOUR computer. You could get around it by trading computers with someone else in the house (however...thinking about this twice your husband mentioned something about what your son was doing on his computer that needed parental attention...he CLAIMED he discovered that accidentally when the son left his computer open ...however, I think that explanation was gratutious (over the top unnecessary) thus...he most likely has the whole internet system house wide "TAPPED".

3. Until you figure this out...you aren't really safe posting anywhere on the internet and you certainly aren't safe anywhere you've already been that he's seen.


My advice...speak to our mutual friend here again and figure this out.

Mr. W

p.s. - Mr. Sunny, if you are here read this --->31 Reasons to Stop Your Affair then, come back here and tell us your side of the story. There's always her story and his story and then the truth. Why not fill us in and see if we can help you and your wife figure a way through this difficult situation.