Your children will be very confused and think affairs are ok if you do not expose to them. Is that something that you want for them to think is peachy-keen and 100% normal?

You don't have to go into specifics. Just tell them daddy has a girlfriend and married people aren't supposed to have girlfriends because it is wrong.

jealousy,

Sorry if I got this wrong, but did you say that most of his change came after his BFF died?

I'm sorry hon, but he isn't married to his late BFF, and oyu were supposed to be that anyways to him in his heart. More on that later maybe. I have to read though the whole thread in detail and your response again.

I just don't see why your marriage should have suffered so badly yet.


I agree with the plans everybody laid out about plan A and B. Read peps link also, and when you do go dark, this place will help heal you.

Your in good hands here

God bless..

We don't have to know your WH to know what he's doing and thinking. We don't have to know you to be able to help you. That's one distinct advantage of having basically all A's running off the same script.

Your kids WILL think differently of their father. The only question is, will they think differently of him with an accurate understanding of why things happened the way they did,

or

will they blame themselves?



Those are the only two options.

You don't think this is a 'friends with benefits' deal?? = PA?

jealousy, your children are already 'involved'. They KNOW something is wrong, they're just not sure what, and they probably think it's something they've done. (Children are self-centered. Much like waywards.) You need to tell them what's going on in age-appropriate language. By covering for your WH, you are enabling his affair. Do not cover for him - to anyone.

"Kids, daddy has a girlfriend, and it's not right for a married daddy to have a girlfriend."

I suspect they already know.

I will echo in again and tell you that your children already know and they will eventually find out. What do you think will happen then? They will be MAD at YOU for not telling them. They will be mad because YOU LIED. DS10 and DS7 were told, they were 9 and 6. They understand. Even better is that they know who the enemy is. They don't like OW AT ALL. They blame her for the break up of their family(they have a hard time being mad at WH).

Would you feel comfortable lying to them for YEARS? That is what you are advocating by not telling them. They DESERVE to be told the TRUTH about THEIR life. Have you read the articles about honesty? Lying to someone to "protect" them is a DJ. The way the LB works, you even have LB accounts with your girls, keep it HIGH.

So, you say that a PA would be a deal-breaker for you? Do you think that that may be a reason that your WH wouldn't want you to EVER find out if he did that? I know that you want to have faith him him. What would you do if you found out that he did? Would you really be willing to leave and not try? It is well within your right, and NO ONE here would argue with that. It's just that sometimes we wouldn't know what we would actually do if we were in that sitch until we were placed in it. There are MANY people here who said they would NEVER forgive their spouse an affair BEFORE their spouse had an A, but look at them now. Just think about how you would do something different. Because with regards to MB, you would do the SAME things. That's all that I was trying to say. So the debate about if he is in a PA or EA doesn't need to continue. Snooping SHOULD still be done.

Have you exposed to EVERYONE who would have influence over your WH? You should do it all in the same day. You should also expose to OW's family and friends. There are exposure letters on that thread that I started to help newly betrayed.

Also, part of Plan A stick is that you tell your WS that the affair is NOT okay with you. It is a boundary that you MUST enforce. You would tell your WH that you will NOT accept a marriage of 3 people. You will not accept a marriage where you and your children are NOT number ONE in his life. You really SHOULD be number one.

And don't make excuses for his behaviour anymore. He is an ADULT and he needs to act like one. It doesn't matter that BFF( oh I miss HIM) died. His actions are HIS alone. Could he have fallen into a depression? Sure. Was an A a good way to deal with it? NOPE. And that was HIS choice. Remember that.

I thank God I found out about my mother's affair, even though I found out in a rather traumatic way.

I would hate to have not known that.

Of course they won't understand. Neither do you. Nobody understands affairs; nobody understands why someone would do something so horrible and hurtful and illogical.

But people who are involved need a support group.

You are the support group for your children.

I second what Markos said, and...


Children are not unaware of problems in thier lives. Just because we pretend there is no problem outwardly, does not mean they can't feel them.


I have seen children act and respond in more mature manners than adults many times, and visa-versa. What they need is to be valued and loved by someone and know it. Jealousy, you are that person.

Coming out and telling them the truth in an age appropiate way does not condemn you to looking like a failure to them if WH can't keep it together, it explains and defines what is right and wrong for them. Like I said, they allready feel it, but can't put it in words, you need to for them.

Children know and feel much more than we give them credit for, it would be unfair to not tell them the fear and anxiety they feel is not real, and to make them deal with it without any definition can be confusing and cruel for them. Mom deserves to be loved also, and respectful behaviuor to others is crucial to there self esteem also.

They need to know what is right and wrong behavior especially if it is happening to them, just in an age appropiate way without making them sort thru the gray areas. They need simple black and white..


Don't we all..?

My kids are aware that I do not like the friendship between H and OW and that married men are not supposed to spend so much time with other women and definately not to spend the night.

Again, I am not completely convinced that it is a PA and therefore am not comfortable telling them Daddy has a gf. If I ever find any hard evidence of a PA then they will be told at that time.

On a side note, I have been Plan A'ing my A$$ off! OW messaged him today saying she has access to a vehicle today and asked him if he wanted her to pick him up and bring him back tomorrow. He said NO! I know not a huge feat as he's still talking to her but baby steps

So far, so good.

Remember, Plan A means you eliminate LOVEBUSTERS.

Have you identified your past lovebuster habits?

It's a good idea to review/identify lovebusters frequently, during Plan A.

I have identified my lovebusters in a previous post. My biggest is angry outbursts. This is going to be tested tonight.

I celebrated him making the right choice too soon. I came home from shopping this evening to be informed that OW bought him a phone card, I asked why and he said he didnt know. After about a half hour he said he thinks he knows why she bought it, shes texting him again to see if he'll stay over. She thinks her ex bf is trying to kill her and needs protection...ugh! Maybe she thinks he will feel obligated to go because she did him a favour? I was avoiding buying him a card so they couldn't text.

At this point he hasnt answered her, we will see what happens...

The thing about Plan A is that it doesn't matter what HE does. You do it because it is what YOU should do in a loving relationship. You are only showing him what you would be WILLING to do when the AFFAIR ENDS.

This isn't "just a friendship."

Get your Plan B prepared. I dunno that you will be able to continue for a while without love busting all over the place and ruining any progress you had made. That is why it is important to have an end date for Plan A.

Follow all of the steps outlined in MB, plan A, then Plan B and you will be fine.

Thanks Scotty for sending Jealousy our way

ConstantProcess - You hit the nail on the head! Your whole post was soooo insightful, Thanks so much!

Good News! He didnt go last night! WOOT! He told my bff that he seen the disappoinment in my eyes and decided to stay home. I did get upset with him this morning however when he asked for a couple bucks and then realized it was for gas to go to her place. But instead of getting angry, I took a nice long shower!
He ended up not going tonight as well though Mind you it wasnt so much his choice that he didnt go. I was on the computer earlier and he had forgotten to log out of MSN and he received a msg from her saying someone was going over that needed to talk and their talks could get pretty heated so he better not come.
I asked him who was going over and turns out its buddy from down the road from us. Apparently he has a thing for OW and said if his gf wasnt pregnant he would sleep with her. I have a feeling it wont be talking they will be doing...homewrecker.

The sarcastic part of me would have had a hard time restraining myself from saying:

Well, that OW is quite a sport huh? Your WH is being taken for a ride, and you are around suffering.

You certainly are in a bad sitch, Keep the plan A for yourself Jealosy, to help you, and when it goes to plan B, it will be good for you to get away from thier carnival.

Your H needs some seriuos help.
TTYL
God Bless

Everything has been going fairly well I met up with Scotty today to borrow "Love Busters" and "Surviving an Affair". Which one should I read first?

H saw them sitting on the table (Surviving an Affair was on top) and made comment like "do you want me to have an affair so you have something to survive?" Arg... Then I showed him "Love Busters", he actually took the time to read the info on it and said I should read it. I think he is rather bothered by the Surviving an affair book.

I was also wondering if anyone can help with how to get past resentment? I honestly dont have a lot of resentment, I used to but over time Ive realized it was over petty stuff that could be let go. But I am having a really hard time getting over the feelings of hurt and pain caused when he moved in with her last year. He had mentioned the possiblity of moving in with her, I was ok with it at first cause I knew they were just friends, but then within a day or two I realized my H would be living with another woman after living with me for the majority of our relationship, jealousy set in quickly and I begged and pleaded for him not to do it. He kept saying he hadnt decided yet and we'd talk about it later. He was staying with my bff at the time and I found out not only had he decided, he was talking with a landlord. A week later He asked me if I could get him a payday loan and the day I gave it to him I found out it was for the deposit for the house. I had never been so incredibly hurt by him, ever. I even got physical, threw the money at him and shoved him. I wish I never gave him the money, the guilt weighs on me all the time.

No matter how hard I try to forget, the feelings creep back and I break down and end up PO'd at him all over again. He talks about it like it was nothing. I just dont think he realizes how much he really hurt me. Halloween night last year, the night before he was to move in with her, I laid on the couch in complete depression, not myself, thinking of ways to take my life, the only thing that kept me from doing it was the thought of my kids growing up without me. Anytime the house is mentioned, or he brings up "when I lived with...", even though he only stayed there for about 3 weeks out of the four months the house was in his name it still hurts to the core and I cant seem to get past the pain he caused me

I would suggest SAA first. They are both great reads and my BF told me that she would stop by on Wednesday with HNHN and my other friend with FIL SIL I see every day.

There is a managing memories thread that is linked on the newly betrayed thread. That may help you with the memories and resentment, but I believe you won't be able to truly get over them until your ordeal is finished. Until then, everything he continues to do will add on top of what he has already done and your taker will take over. THAT will be BAD BAD BAD, unless you want to enter Plan F/U.

Do you need any help tweaking your Plan A? Have you considered Plan B? Are you going to start preparing for it? I know you are reluctant to go to Plan B but you may find yourself in need of Plan B sooner than you think. This way, you will be ready.

Also, here is a most EXCELLENT post that schoolbus posted on CryingTime's thread.

Word to the Wise: Do NOT drink when in Plan A!
-Back to square one

I felt like I was in a game of tug-a-war yesterday. He woke up at 3:30AM and was unable to go back to sleep as he fell asleep early in the night. At 4AM he came in our room and informed me he was going out, I of course responded "Its 4AM what do you mean your going out?". Apparently OW had texted him two hours earlier asking if he was awake, when he texted back she asked if he wanted to go "burn one" (their both pot heads which is a big reason why they hang out). He said he would be right back and ended up coming in at 7AM...7AM!

He climbed into bed and proceded to try to give me a back rub, I pulled away and said "Don't". He then went on to say he didnt understand why I was upset and informed me of everything they did in that 3 hours including going to the casino. We talked for a bit and he gave me a full body massage which somehow ended with SF.

In the evening I returned the massage favour and gave him an hour long massage that again ended in SF (geez I either suck at being strong or Im awesome with Plan A). After that we had plans to make dinner together which I was pretty excited about but again as soon as he got up he had a text "wanna go for a drive?". He helped a smidge with dinner and then took off again for about 2 hours maybe.

Because of this I went against my better judgement and went out with some friends last night, knowing fairwell OW was going to be going to the same bar. Before leaving H fell asleep on the couch and I checked his texts, after he had said have a good night and she responded you too he said "I will but it will be boring without you" WHAT?!?!? Ugh..this fueled my fire and I soooo badly want to say something but know I cant. I made that mistake last year and its very rare now that he doesnt carry his phone everywhere or delete his texts often.

At the bar I tried to avoid her as I promised H I would behave. I came walking out of the bathroom and as I opened the door there she was coming into the bathroom, I was face to face with OW! I bit my tongue and kept walking. It was rather funny that there were about five other people there that wanted to kick her A$$. You see the band that was playing is one we all used to go see and were friends with, about 2 years ago, on my birthday (also the first time he ever slept at her house) one of the band members and H's cousin started telling people H and OW were having an affair. H ended up getting sucker punched over OW. H hates that I have since made up with everyone and continue to go see them.

Anyhoo....I came home and H woke up. I had mentioned coming face to face with her and he said something along the lines of he doesnt understand why its such a big deal. Apparently I told him I wanted to knock her teeth down her throat!

This morning I noticed he didnt snuggle or spoon in the night as he usually does and kept pulling away from me. When he got up I asked if I had said or did something that upset him, he said he gives up and doesnt understand why I want to knock her teeth out and that I should blame him for the time they spend together not her. But its her that buys him phone cards so she can text him, its her that asks if he wants to go for a drive, hang out, taxi her around, sleep at her house, etc.. HER HER HER!

Hes not talking to me much this morning so I guess Im on damage control.

You are all right...Plan B cant come soon enough. And yes I started thinking about preperations for Plan B last night!